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I need some help.... DSS had a meltdown this morning about how BM and her BF are telling him that we are trying to take him away from her, and that her BF is telling him that we have him more days than her, and that BM is supposed to be his main parent and not his dad (direct quote from DSS, and he's 9)
SO and I are just at our wits end.... BM's BF has been running his mouth as of late, and have heard the things he's saying to DSS.... this little guy is just messed up and needs professional help, but BM says he's fine, he doesn't need to talk to anyone.... so without her consent, we can't take him to anyone.
We are trying to be the best parents we can be at our house, but it's like DSS feels guilty for being at our house, and for having fun.... any advice is welcomed openly
I know how you feel about the other parent & their family bad mouthing you. The only thing you can do is to show your DSS that you love him and don't under any circumstances badmouth the other parent or their SO. You can say thing's like "I'm sorry that they feel that way but we love you very much and are glad that you are able to be with us". I'm not sure what his divorce agreement says on your rights. I'm not sure of your situation. My mom bad mouthed my dad and he never said anything bad about her. That's what I remember the most. Just make sure that you and your SO show your DSS that he matters to you and in a round about way that he can love everybody, that he doesn't have to choose. Knowing he is loved unconditionally matters a lot.
I have no rights to DSS. I wish that I did, but I don't. SO's mom bad mouthed his dad too, and in the end, it actually destroyed their relationship...I hope it never comes to that with DSS and his mom, but if she doesn't stop being a bonehead, it will happen.... and that honestly makes me sad
My SO has joint custody of DSS, he has full rights to his son, I am the one with no rights. BM likes to think that she has full custody, but she doesn't. We had to take her to court to have her ORDERED to give us DSS's doc/dentist/etc information, cause she would never give it to SO.
This child needs to speak to a professional, but without BM's consent along with SO's, no one will touch the case... pretty sad eh?
This is the thing, he's 9, and he's hearing adults talk, run their mouths & say God knows what. He's hearing things that he shouldn't (no doubt about that) but to what degree is another. Kids can interperet things a way that they weren't meant to be made, but...there is also a chance that BM is just saying these things. There are plenty of things I have said to my DS about our situation, and he'd go back to others & it would come out the wrong way. Yes, some of the stuff I had said were in fact said, but not out of the particular context of it all. That's where I am unsure what to say about how to handle this, b/c you guys dont' talk to BM. Have you had or has SO had the dialogue w/ the mediator yet? If not, this is something to include.
Often children are put in adult situations for the wrong reasons, but sometimes, the bio-parents in question, may talk to their kids about an issue that normally wouldn't be discussed but has to be discussed for their safety. I can't get into the specifics on publics boards, but I can relate to them.
I am not saying that BM is just like me, but I am trying to understand all of the information that you've given w/ out completely throwing BM under the bus. I want to believe that she has a reason, what ever it is, to say certain things. Either way, she's going about it the wrong way or it's being articulated the wrong way, or...she's just really stupid, that's the only other part of it, and if she's just "really stupid" you can't fix stupid (Ron White), some people do not understand what they shouldn't say to someone & run their mouths for nothing.
well this isn't the first, second, or hundredth time that she's done this. She is a bitter and vindictive person that will do ANYTHING she can to hurt SO, and that's by hurting DSS. I, myself have talked to the mediator today, interesting conversation that I can't discuss on the public board, but none the less something needs to be done, and fast. DSS is crumbling, and FAST. Over the past couple of months I have seen him go from a happy, well balanced kid to a child who literally cries over spilled milk. You can look at him and he bursts into tears..... we try so hard to be his rock and be positive, but it doesn't seem to matter
I know what you mean by watching a child worry about everything & it being a result of adult actions. Like I told you before, I'm here if you want to chat, or PM me... I'm curious what else is going on that you aren't able to talk about, I want to help you.
It's nasty to be mean to each other, i understand that. Many ex-couples find that their only common bond (the children obtained during their marriage) is a good weapon to use against each other. I am so sorry to see this happen....... As for the rest my personal opinion is to refrain from taking the kid to a professional and see what you can do about it yourself. As a very clever man one said 'Kids don't need professionals, they need us more'.......he is gonna do just fine....just be there for him as you already are......(my opinion pls not to be taken personally or offensively by anyone thank you)
" \m/ Now I’m riding through the air
going to where no one dares
on the way I’ll cross the line forevermore \m/ "
I don't take your opinions personally at all. My DSS is an extremely sensitive kid. He is scared of hurting anyone's feelings, or making anyone upset. I truly believe that he does need to talk to someone neutral, someone who can help him figure out what's going on in his head without worrying about hurting their feelings.
I, myself have talked with counsellors and it saved me and my relationship with my SO. They are there to put things in perspective and help you with tools to make life work for you.