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BF wanting to get full custody...


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  #1  
April 2nd, 2010, 07:29 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,032
So here is our situation....

My BF as a little boy that's 4, that he shares custody with. It's written in their agreement as shared parenting, which means his ex is supposed to have him just as much as my BF, but in reality it doesn't even come close to that. The only reason that she doesn't agree legally to what is really going on is because she doesn't want to pay child support, which he doesn't even want from her. He's been talking for awhile about going to court to fight for full custody and I totally support him in this, but I know that she's not going to give up her rights willingly.

The thing of it is, is that I wouldn't even suggest that he try to fight with her about this, but I know that his son doesn't get treated well when he's over there. He's had to have stitches because his older brother hit him with a hammer (I understand kids will be kids but I believe that to be over the limit. What were the kids doing with a hammer anyway?!). He's come home I don't know how many times with HUGE stains in his underwear from her not supervising him with his wiping (He's only been potty trained for about a year and does wipe by himself, but only with our supervision and help). You can tell just by his appearance that she doesn't bathe him while he's there and he will actually sometimes have red lines around his waist from the same pair of underwear being on too long and pretty much sticking to his body.

Also, about 6 months ago, he was scared to death to go to sleep because she watched horror movies with him and then either she or his older brother wore a Jason mask and chased him around the house (You would automatically want to think that it was the other child, but with this woman you just never know). The poor kid would wake up in the middle of he night screaming at least twice a night (sometimes a lot more) for about a month. He's still terrified of the dark.

Anyway, just trying to make a point of the reason I completely support his wanting full custody. The only problem is that I know it's going to be a fight and I was wondering what kinds of things we should be doing as far as documention to prove that she doesn't have him as much as she says or things that would help his case if he does take her to court.
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  #2  
April 2nd, 2010, 09:34 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the enchanted forest
Posts: 5,257
First off welcome, I am a co-host on BF's, both a bio & step mother, been through custody, visitation, child support, accusations, restraining orders, arguments, all of the above. I have 4 children, 9 year old from a previous relationship (he is married w/ 2 children now), my DH has a 12 year old from his previous marriage, she lives far away & doesn't let us have my DSS every other weekend, DSS has no bond or relationship w/ his step-brother or half-siblings, it's very sad. Then together, DH & I had 2 more kids, one is gonna be 4 in a month & the other is 2, all boys.

Any ways, getting back to your situation. He needs a lawyer, hands down, I do not think he'll get full custody, that rarely happens, but if they (bio-parents) live close by, then they can share physical custody and perhaps award him primary legal custody (two separate things).

As far as the treatment that he has over his mom's house, I am not there, and can't speak for her, but there are two sides to every story, I guess I am seeing how "I" have been painted by my ex & his wife at times, and I am not that "monster" that has been painted. Yet now we get along & our co-parenting is going as good as it's going to get.
Same as my DH's ex-wife, she "seems" nice...but she's made my DH's life heck, and refused a lot of visits b/c she is just like that, regardless of the docket case stating that he is to be w/ us every other weekend, overnight (we don't get that & DH doesn't challenge it). She is nasty & will never change but I am sure she's telling others that her son doesn't see his father b/c his father doesn't care or some B.S. like that, when that is so not true. No matter how flat you make a pancake, there are two sides, and since I'm in both positions I can say that it's easy to get caught up in thinking something is one way when there is more to it all.

All I can say is to get a lawyer, write all concerns down, dates, situations, and if you feel the child is sitting in soiled clothes & not being watched or properly cared for, then it's your obligation to make a report to CPS, you can do that & not have your name out there. Any person who feels that any child is being abused, they need to speak up.




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  #3  
April 2nd, 2010, 10:02 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,032
I do agree there are two sides to every story and, as much as I'd like to, I'll never know exactly what goes on at that house. I'm not even trying to portray her as a monster, but at the same time, she's admitted to the scary movies and it's hard to explain away the soiled clothes. I've actually even felt sorry for her at times. Other than fear of paying child support, I think she takes her son when she does because she fears the judgment from other people if she did sign away her rights. I don't even want her to never see her son, I just don't think she should have as much say over things when we have him with us 90% of the time.

For example, I don't think my BF should go running every time she gets a wild hair and decides she wants to see her son. As far as that goes, my BF isn't clear of fault in the situation. He doesn't have to jump every time she calls, but that's a whole different issue. I just want us to have more control over the schedule, since we actually are the primary caregivers. I think that the best thing for the child involved is to have a set schedule of visitation, not just be tossed back and forth according to his mother's schedule.

So maybe trying for full custody isn't even really what we want. We just want something in writing more accurate to our situation. That way, we have a little more leg to stand on when she wants to just get him on random times. Again, I absolutely don't want to keep her from her son, but at the same time, I want more than an hour notice when she decides she wants him.
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  #4  
April 2nd, 2010, 10:20 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the enchanted forest
Posts: 5,257
Okay, now you're talking about something that almost ALL of us can relate too. Our loved ones running to the ex/bio-mom's house b/c they have a way of not knowing how to say "no" to them b/c they are afraid that the child will be taken away or something of that nature. My DH is like that, he refuses to stand up for the freaking legal documents, the court order, that they BOTH signed, and yet, he allows her to do what she wants & if she wants the child back early or decides at the last minute that she is no longer going to meet us half-way & says "oh well" I want to just scream! Believe me.. I have... but I've learned over the years that I can't do a darn thing. The sooner you learn this everything will be gravy. Seriously. She is going to try stuff that will blow your mind, you will look at your man & say "are you out to lunch?" and sit and wonder "HOW" they can co-parent like that. Bottom line, he, yes, your man, has to be the one that puts his foot down & say "no, sorry"... and keep it down. Will he ever do that? I don't know, I have a husband who hasn't yet. It's hard to watch but I've decided that there isn't anything I can do, it's my DH's deal & he will have to figure it out. It does make me angry, but not as much anymore b/c if I got angry for everything she did to me, I'd be TICKED off 24/7, literally. I've learned that I can't control HER....but I can control ME & how "I" react. Focus on YOU & how YOU are around the child, show the child a positive, stable environment, make them feel safe & loved, and just let the rest go. Once you embrace the situation & realize that you'll never make bio-mom change (rarely happens) then you can focus on moving forward. Right now your mad, angry, irritated, sad, ticked off, you want to scream & say to your man "wake up & do something!" right? But here's the thing, our men, sometimes just don't do that, and some will, but it's not worth it to beat yourself up over it daily when you don't know when that day will come, if it ever will come. KWIM?

I feel your pain, trust me. If you ever want to chat, you can PM me too.

(((HUGS)))
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  #5  
April 2nd, 2010, 12:47 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,032
That's exactly it! He is terrified of that custody agreement and being in violation which would make him contempt of court and her taking away his son. I totally understand that he doesn't want to lose his son because I don't want to lose him either. He's a great kid in a bad situation. And there have been MANY times that I've wanted to just shake my BF and tell him to "wake up", but I restrain myself. lol

I suppose I am lucky in one way. I have FINALLY convinced him over the past year NOT to go all the way out to her place all the time to drop him off or pick him up. And that actually proved one of my points, which was if she wants him badly enough that she'd make the effort to drive the distance. She actually started taking him a lot less after he stopped making the longer drive so maybe there is hope....
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  #6  
April 2nd, 2010, 06:58 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,129
Ultimately it's his decision but I do agree with what you've posted & I'm sure there's more that you haven't, it sounds like he should get full custody. Talk to him, encourage him to get a lawyer & fight but be aware that the courts favor joint-custody & you'll have to get a good lawyer & document everything to prove that sole custody is in the best interest of the child. In the meantime, document everything!
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  #7  
April 5th, 2010, 12:33 PM
ToonTownGirl's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 729
Quote:
Originally Posted by AMiner86 View Post
So here is our situation....

My BF as a little boy that's 4, that he shares custody with. It's written in their agreement as shared parenting, which means his ex is supposed to have him just as much as my BF, but in reality it doesn't even come close to that. The only reason that she doesn't agree legally to what is really going on is because she doesn't want to pay child support, which he doesn't even want from her. He's been talking for awhile about going to court to fight for full custody and I totally support him in this, but I know that she's not going to give up her rights willingly.
I'm in Canada, and I'm not sure how things work down there, but if they have a written agreement stating that they have shared parenting, and times and such are laid out, then that is just as good as an agreement that a judge would make. So taking her back to court and saying look, this is what we agreed to, and now she isn't following it for whatever reason.... so that is a good thing for you guys that you have this in place.... I hope that things go well for you guys....
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