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Telling the ex we're expecting


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  #1  
May 2nd, 2010, 03:17 PM
AndyBee's Avatar Super Mommy
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BF and I have been together for about 9 months, however he and his ex wife just finalized their divorce last month. They had lots of custody battles to go through. Now we're expecting, and we don't know how to tell her. Eventually she'll have to know since we'll want his daughter around for the birth, bringing baby home, birthdays and such. But HOW should we tell her? She's very moody and unstable, some days she's fine with our relationship, the next I'm the spawn of satan.

Any ideas on how to bring this up? I hate the fact that my joy will bring her more pain, but eventually she has to know.
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  #2  
May 3rd, 2010, 10:35 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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None of her business. Seriously. I made the mistake of having my DH tell his ex the 1st time around, and she threw a sissy fit. The 2nd time around, we didn't tell her anything. We told DH's son, and he related the message. That was that. When my ex got pregnant w/ twins, he called to tell me on the phone, which was considerate but he didn't need to do that, but I do respect that he did. I did tell him I was expecting the 2 additional children before hand so I assume he was returning the gesture. It depends on the person & the situation. Truly, if you have a good communication w/ the ex, that's one thing, but if you don't, don't even go there. Why allow yourself to get worked up for her sake? The only thing I did appreciate in regards to my DS' father (my ex) telling me, was that it was 2 weeks prior to my DS starting a new school year. I asked him if he could wait a week or two, let our DS settle into his class, meet the teachers, get in a routine, then tell him. He was disappointed, he wanted to tell him, but his wife, my DS' step-mother 100% understood waiting another week or so, which I truly appreciated. Again, they could have told him w/ out telling me, I am happy they chose to tell me & that they respected our son's new routine in school before telling him. He was fine w/ the news.

So as you see, two different ex situations, two different outcomes. It truly depends on the relationship that you have w/ the ex. I mean, I wouldn't avoid it, but at the same time, it's not like you have to announce it to her either. She's going to feel jealous, strange, and upset, things are going to be changing and that's out of her comfort zone, out of her control, and that's going to make even a NORMAL person feel weird. If she's already off her rocker, then I am sure making the announcement wouldn't be the best thing either.

Ultimately, it's a decision you need to make w/ him & HE should be the one to tell her, not you. JMHO, HIH
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  #3  
May 3rd, 2010, 11:53 AM
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That's a tough one. I can see Chantelle's point but I would say that depends on the age of the child. I told my ex that I was expecting because I didn't want to put that on my then 3 year old dd. I didn't think it was fair for her to witness his reaction if there was one.

My dh also told his ex for the same reason. I think the best thing is for your Dh to tell her in whatever method of communication they use. If they talk on the phone then call. If they communicate mostly through email then an email would be fine. A very quick btw conversation when the child isn't present is the best.

It's unfortunate that there may be fallout but I think you have to be grownup about.
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Last edited by My2miracles; May 4th, 2010 at 05:35 AM.
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  #4  
May 3rd, 2010, 01:16 PM
AndyBee's Avatar Super Mommy
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Perhaps an email would work well then. She emails him all the time tryin to sound official and high and mighty. I think she does it so she has "proof" that they discussed something. Since his daughter is only 2 1/2 I really don't want her to be the one to say something.

Thank you both for your input.
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  #5  
May 3rd, 2010, 03:38 PM
1HotMama's Avatar Super Mommy
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I agree that it's none of the ex's business, however I don't think having the child be the messenger is the best either.

Do you ever see the ex? If you do, I would just wait until you're showing and she'll pretty much figure it out or wait until your BF has a reason to tell her. Example, my SO's ex-wife is pregnant and she told him because it directly realted to the visitation schedule. Since it wasn't a "I need to talk to you" thing, but rather related to visitation, it was a very natural thing.

If/when SO and I have a child I don't plan on telling my ex-husband in advance because it's none of his business. I assume that as my belly grows he'll figure out what's going on, and then if/when it becomes necessary to schedule arrangments around the birth, we can talk about it in detail then.

In my experience, telling something major without it being directly related to anything is akin to asking for permission. When it's a part of the bigger picture, for example, working out visitation, then it becomes less about "I'm having a baby with someone else" to just part of working out the plan.

My two cents for what they're worth.
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  #6  
May 3rd, 2010, 05:20 PM
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I took the none of her business approach with my daughter. The way I saw things is that she would find out soon enough and also my BF's brother keeps in contact with her so I knew that she would most likely find out through him anyway.

Every situation is different so maybe in yours, an email would be fine. I just wouldn't give her too much information, just the need to know facts and I would make sure not to do it in a way that is rubbing it in her face sort of way. Just kind of like a brief, just thought you should know for the child's sake, kind of way.

With whatever you choose, good luck.
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  #7  
May 3rd, 2010, 09:53 PM
We love Grace-Elizabeth
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My steps are much older 17, and 13 so we had them both come over and we told them we were expecting. We left it up to them to tell their biomom if they wanted otherwise she could just figure it out on her own. One of them told her not really sure and she went into her acting out crap just as we expected she would do. Her children we on cloud nine to be getting a baby sister kind of funny how they handled it alot better than her! I have no advice just my experiance and it probably doesnt help much cause my step kids are much older. Good luck and wish you the best and enjoy your pregnancy no matter what. I let DH's ex get under my skin and it sucked big time like when she found out we were at babies r us making our registry from the kids and started blowing his phone up with nonsense calls I let it bother me and it ruined that moment for me. But now I know that I allowed her to ruin that moment for me and wish I would have handled things better. So I guess I am saying enjoy your pregnancy no matter what and dont let anyone steal your joy away!
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  #8  
May 4th, 2010, 05:38 AM
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I don't see informing her as asking for permission. For 1 - what's done is done. She's already pregnant....

But the little child is going to say something at some point & it's unfair to put her in a situation where the bio mom may have a strong reaction at the moment. Tell the mom - tell not ask and be done with it.
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  #9  
May 4th, 2010, 05:43 AM
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I was just talking about this with Dh and realized....


You aren't telling the ex about your baby because it's her business (because it's not) but you are telling her because it is your DF's child's business. It's the the child's business. It's party of their life & the bio mom needs to be aware of things that are part of the child's life. If the child has a reaction the bio mom needs to be prepared!
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  #10  
May 4th, 2010, 06:23 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
I was just talking about this with Dh and realized....


You aren't telling the ex about your baby because it's her business (because it's not) but you are telling her because it is your DF's child's business. It's the the child's business. It's party of their life & the bio mom needs to be aware of things that are part of the child's life. If the child has a reaction the bio mom needs to be prepared!

I agree w/ this... which is why I had my DH tell his ex-wife about our 1st expecting child. She reacted very poorly and it wasn't good but we wanted to tell her so that once we told my DSS, she would be able to comfort him in letting him know how this is a good thing, not negative (too bad she didn't do that). When I told my ex, I wanted him to know b/c I wanted to keep him in the loop of what would be changing for our son. I do believe they did the same w/ their announcement of the twins. Which again, I very much appreciated. My son & DH's son were both old enough to understand & that's why the second time around we didn't call or email. It wasn't necessary.

As Kris said, it's none of HER business, BUT....BUT...in the end, it will affect the parenting or the co-parenting rather, so that's when you have to put the idea of telling bio-mom out & realize that this announcement is for the well-being of the child.

When DH & I were expecting our 1st DS together, we enrolled the boys (my DS from my ex, & my DH's DS from his ex) in a sibling course at a hospital. It was 2 Saturdays & to see what to expect. They gave the kids books about it (age appropriate) & both kids brought the books to the hospital when the baby was born & they stamped the baby's foot inside the book for a keepsake.

If you want to enroll the child in that sort of class, that would be something you'd have to make sure bio-mom is on board w/ or at least let her know that you'd want the child to participate in certain things. Also, your personal health, will cause your DH/SO to have to do things at the drop of a hat b/c having a baby is never on your schedule, they sort of come when they are ready. You want to make sure the custodial mom is ready for this too.

It's all age appropriate & the type of relationship you have. Personally, I think an email is tacky, but that's me. Even w/ the strain in my DH's relationship w/ his ex, he didn't do that. Again, this is JMHO. Unless there is a restraining order or a legal reason not to tell this person via phone, why not do it on the phone & just leave it at that. You don't have to tell them the names you're picking out, how you found out, what's going on w/ everything, just that you're expecting.
I wouldn't do the email thing on this announcement. If you're going to tell her, tell her, don't send an announcement or some sort of email. Just make it short, sweet, simple & leave it at that. HIH. KUP. (JMHO)


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  #11  
May 4th, 2010, 08:02 AM
ElizabethS's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I had DH tell both of his ex's that I was expecting (I don't have to worry about my ex..he signed the kids over and has nothing to do with my life or theirs). One had lots of snarky things to say, "It's disgusting that you are having another child when you both already have two....I would NEVER have another child...ewww" that sort of stuff. Of course, she wanted to abort their son, so she's not really the mother type. The other more recent ex of my 16 mos old DSS, was OK with it but then said "As long as if it's a girl you don't use the name I want to name my future daughter" . OK, that was reasonable.

Now I get nasty looks from the snarky one and she won't talk to me, but his most recent ex has no problem with me. Go figure!

I would say let DH handle it!
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  #12  
May 8th, 2010, 09:14 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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I'm familiar w/ "why would you want to have another child...." comment w/ my DH's 1st wife. I've been ignored in public, had the snarly statements made & even nasty emails & v/mails. This is why I chose to make sure that I don't deal w/ her b/c of her immature behavior. Something that is not on my plate of "to-do's" KWIM?


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