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Why?! Why?! Why?!


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  #1  
May 2nd, 2010, 05:07 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,032
...can't he start considering my feelings before making arrangements with his ex?!

So tomorrow I start a new job which means an early start for me in the morning. Job starts at 8 and I always like to be half an hour early, which puts me leaving the house by 7 and getting up, no later than 6. Anywhoo, originally my BF was going to be getting Meyson sometime tomorrow while I was already at work and my mom was going to keep Olivia overnight to give me a chance to prepare myself for tomorrow and so I wouldn't have to drag Livie out so early and then my BF would drop Meyson off there before he went to work later in the afternoon. BF and I had discussed all this over the weekend and I thought we were both on board. Apparently not.

He just called about 45 min ago and tells me that he's on his way to get Meyson. He and his ex decided that would be better. What the hell?! Where the hell was I during all this? Since I'm the one that primarily takes care of him, shouldn't I have a say? Not to mention the fact that it throws a whole kink in my plans. I'm a big planner and I hate surprises and he definitely figured that out by now.

Luckily my mom is awesome and when I called her she told me not to worry about it and that she would be over by 6:30 at the latest to give me time to get ready and be at work in the morning.
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  #2  
May 2nd, 2010, 05:14 PM
AndyBee's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Gresham, OR
Posts: 692
Man, that sucks. I'm sorry. I'm sure you've mentioned it to him before, but maybe he needs some reminding that you are a TEAM. Hopefully your guy will learn to incorporate you in the planning process. Good luck tomorrow with the new job.
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  #3  
May 3rd, 2010, 10:27 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the enchanted forest
Posts: 5,257
Talk about reading my life as it had unfolded...

I still have this issue once in a while, however, I did finally put my foot down in regards to change of plans & although my DH was irritated, and this cramped the bio-mom's style, it wasn't my style to fix.

Here's the low-down. IMHO, when you have 2 families, that are co-parenting, there is always going to have the need for "some" flexibility, however, if there are days that someone has an event to go too all the time (i.e., I have my weekly meetings on Wednesday nights, I've been doing this for YEARS and the person meeting me cannot change her time unless I could see her during the day, in which I have no sitter). I had this "meeting" arrangement PRIOR to meeting my DH, having kids w/ him, you get the idea. It's not like it was a new arrangement.

On MANY occasions my DH has called me to tell me about his plans (or therefore how he was changing them) b/c his ex-wife & DS decided it wasn't a good day/time. My DH would then say "no problem" or something along those lines. And he'd call me & tell me these changes. Now.... there are some times I understand & I am willing to change here & there, however, I REFUSE to change MY MANDATORY Wednesdays for his ex-wife's needs. Not going to happen. Period.

I finally said to my DH, this was after he had calmed down from the disagreement. I told him how BEFORE me & the kids (that we had together), all he had to do was change his schedule & it was only him that was affected by these changes. Now, today, DH has other responsibilities, family at home, kids, babies, and a wife to consider. I made that clear & I told him that BEFORE making changes to our existing schedule, he must call me & ask if this change is something we can accommodate, and honestly 99% of the time, I can accommodate, but, in the case where my DSS wanted to do his "extra curricular activities" on the days he was suppose to spend time w/ his father (my DH), so the ex-wife decided to change the days that my DH would spend w/ his son, w/ out ever considering our lifestyle, etc.

DH was upset, not going to lie. She (ex-wife) refused to change their son's days, so my DH was forced not to see his son. Well, I shouldn't say forced b/c he could have interjected & went to court in breech of their existing order, instead, he stayed w/ her decision as he always does. My DH was the person who should have considered OUR family's needs, not HER. She is a single person, she has no one else to consider, which is fine, but I am tired of her "I'm the boss" attitude. And I know that 99% of the time when she makes her changes, she does it before even consulting w/ my DH, which is WRONG, but...that's my DH's issue, not mine.

You have to have a quiet, and to the point conversation in regarding the needs of EVERYONE in the family. How making 1 decision, can throw off the entire schedule, plans, what ever. Make it about trying to understand that it's not just about him & his ex, but now about the family he's making w/ you.

Hope that makes sense. It's a hard thing to go through. And I still find myself watching my DH's ex-wife change as she so wishes w/ out total regard for the custody arrangements w/ her ex-husband. But.... that's between her & my DH, I refuse to "go there" anymore. I just stand up for what is right for us, and if she wants to get her panties in a bunch, so be it.

This is not something that will happen overnight, it's one of those things that has to be discussed, not negatively, but in a way to make them all understand that it's not just about the 3 of them anymore, others are involved, and making changes w/ out considering others, isn't mature, it's disrespectful. Tell him how it makes you feel, that you feel like your life together w/ him, isn't being thought of, how when he changes plans w/ out checking w/ you, it makes you feel like you don't matter in the situation. You feel unimportant. Try to steer away from "you do this...you are this...how could you..." more about yourself, not him. KWIM? Otherwise you're going to end up w/ him arguing in self-defense.

KUP


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  #4  
May 3rd, 2010, 05:13 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,032
We actually had a pretty heated discussion after he came home and both kids were in bed. I refuse to have those conversations, heated or calm, in front of either one of them, even if Olivia is only 11 months and has no idea what we're talking about, but kids can just sense things. Anyway, he immediately got defensive, which I can't put all the blame on him for the way the conversation immediately went because I was pretty irritated by the time he walked through the door. It did turn into a big argument but we both took the time to cool down and had a better conversation about it. I explained to him how I felt that when I'm not included in these plans, that I feel that I'm not important enough in Meyson's life to be included and that all he would've had to have done is give me a call earlier in the day and tell me his different plans, not as he was getting ready to meet her to get Meyson.

I also explained that it's not like I was planning some spa day or a big shopping trip, I was making arrangements for a new job that I was starting. He seemed to understand, but I'm not sure it will make a difference or not. We have these talks all the time and it doesn't seem to matter, but who knows, maybe one day it will sink in that he has a new family to consider.
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  #5  
May 4th, 2010, 05:59 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 8,998
I'm glad you talked about it. I hope he does better in the future.

I do know your pain. My dh's kids live 4 hours from us so when they were coming to our house, it wasn't a steady every other weekend thing. So I'd find out Thursday that Dh was going to get them the next day. It drove me crazy. I got to the point that I couldn't make plans for my dd & me because I never knew when they were coming. Dh would consult his schedule, his ex's schedule and his girl's schedule but never mine. I let it go to long and the resentment grew but eventually we had it out and Dh was more considerate.
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  #6  
May 4th, 2010, 06:25 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the enchanted forest
Posts: 5,257
Quote:
Originally Posted by AMiner86 View Post
We actually had a pretty heated discussion after he came home and both kids were in bed. I refuse to have those conversations, heated or calm, in front of either one of them, even if Olivia is only 11 months and has no idea what we're talking about, but kids can just sense things. Anyway, he immediately got defensive, which I can't put all the blame on him for the way the conversation immediately went because I was pretty irritated by the time he walked through the door. It did turn into a big argument but we both took the time to cool down and had a better conversation about it. I explained to him how I felt that when I'm not included in these plans, that I feel that I'm not important enough in Meyson's life to be included and that all he would've had to have done is give me a call earlier in the day and tell me his different plans, not as he was getting ready to meet her to get Meyson.

I also explained that it's not like I was planning some spa day or a big shopping trip, I was making arrangements for a new job that I was starting. He seemed to understand, but I'm not sure it will make a difference or not. We have these talks all the time and it doesn't seem to matter, but who knows, maybe one day it will sink in that he has a new family to consider.
The conversations DO matter, don't let that make you give up. As I said, it's how you approach them (the men), if you come off as combative, they will ultimately tune you out. KWIM? Wait to have this conversation at a time when you are both calm & can speak face to face. It takes time but you CAN teach an old dog new tricks.
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