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Please please please help me keep my cool


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  #1  
May 24th, 2010, 09:25 AM
ElizabethS's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 11,986
I am ready to rip some heads off. Our background situation: DH and I got marreid August 6th 2009. He has two biological children from two previous relationships. Reid (3.5) and Isaiah (17 mos). I have two children from a previous engagement, Alex (4.5) and Cadence (2). My ex-fiance stepped out of their lives and signed them over to DH and DH adopted them. It was finalized in the end of November 2009. They call DH daddy and for all intents and purposes even legally, he is their father, even on their birth certificates. They have his last name etc.

DH ex #1 (Reid's mom) seems to be having some issues. First off, I'm good enough to take over 1/3 of my tax refund and pay her back support through the courts. Good enough to support her son, buy him clothes, and shoes, and food. My mom is also good enough for her to help buy him things, etc. But she has issues with him having relationships with me and "my family and my children".

DSS Reid and I had a really hard time hitting it off. We are finally respecting each other, and things are finally livable. However, she gets jealous over the littlest things. Today, he wanted to stay at my mom's house with my son, Alex, and we let him because he doesn't get much time with her (and he LOVES her). She freaked out, saying she wasn't comfortable with that, wants to pick him up, she's not his family, etc. ***?

Also REPEATEDLY over the last few weeks/months she has been telling him that Alex and Cadence are not his brother and sister, that only Isaiah is his half brother, that my kids don't count, and aren't his family. ***? He spends MORE time with Alex and Cady than he does his "real half brother" Isaiah. They ARE his siblings. By law! I mean, my brother was adopted, does that mean I shouldn't consider him my brother? Or say he's my "pretend brother" like she is trying to tell him my children are?

It just totally pees me off. Reid even came over this weekend telling my son that DH is NOT his real father and he's HIS real father, because his mommy said so.

I mean REALLY? We are thinking about pushing for 50/50 custody and thinking I should document this stuff. We are more of a family than she can give him and it just irritates the he// out of me that she chooses to try to destroy what we are trying so hard to build!!!!

I'm pregnant with I guess "his real half brother". But why do we have to throw in all the halves and non-biological crap to a 3 year old? PLEASE talk me down from slapping her upside the head next time I see her.
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Liz

Momma to Alex (2005), Cadence, (2008), Ethan (2010), Brayden (2012), and Adrianna Elise due September 19th 2014

Stepmom to two (2006, and 2009).


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  #2  
May 24th, 2010, 09:46 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,183
oooooh I hate the halfs & steps. I don't understand why people feel the need to specify!

When Lucy was 4 1/2 a daycare worker said to her about DS "Oh he's your half brother" I flipped a lid - no he's her brother. End of story. And dh's dds aren't her stepsisters either. just sisters.

Of course, we're in the same boat - now that Dh has adopted dd. All for kids are equally his children.

The challenge here is how do you get bio mom to stop saying these things. It's probably impossible. And your dss is so young this must be so confusing to him & she is making it worse. I want to smack her!
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My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah

Last edited by My2miracles; May 24th, 2010 at 04:03 PM.
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  #3  
May 24th, 2010, 10:01 AM
ElizabethS's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 11,986
I know I feel so hopeless. You know she sends him to daycare 5 days a week when she doesn't have a job or school? DH is a SAHD. He has offered to watch him. You know what she said "Heck no, I don't want him spending that much time with you and your family!" ***? She's said before she'd rather Reid hate all of us (including his dad) because then he wouldn't want to come over and she'd have him to herself.

I told her she doesn't know how good she has it...a father who pays his support (well actually, I, the stepmother, does!), and WANTS his son as MUCH AS POSSIBLE no matter what and would be at home to raise him. As it is she is making her grandparents pay $500/mos for unnecessary daycare when she lives 5 min away and DH is here with Alex and Cady and soon the baby. *Sigh*....
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Liz

Momma to Alex (2005), Cadence, (2008), Ethan (2010), Brayden (2012), and Adrianna Elise due September 19th 2014

Stepmom to two (2006, and 2009).


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  #4  
May 24th, 2010, 04:06 PM
Platinum Supermommy
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She makes no sense. That sucks! I hope you guys can get it changed.

It's so hard dealing with irrational people. But I can relate with Dh's ex. His dd's haven't been to our house in over 1 year because apparently I'm evil incarnate. But now that the bio mom is having trouble with his youngest & is probably divorcing her current dh - now she thinks we're good enough to take the girl for a month over the summer Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we're getting her but it's really annoying.
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My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
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  #5  
May 24th, 2010, 06:29 PM
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Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,032
I'm sorry you have to deal with all of that. Sounds like she's a real nutjob. And I HATE when people use step and half, and I even feel weird if I call Meyson my stepson that I rarely even tell people any different when they think he's biologically mine. IMO, those words are insulting. I have a "step cousin" that has been in our family since he was three and no one ever uses step with him. He's just my cousin, my mom's nephew and my grandma's grandson. No step in there. My family is also the same with Meyson and my mom will actually get mad if anyone refers to Olivia as her first grandchild because to her Meyson is also her grandchild and she actually treats him better than either one of his biological grandmothers. It's just goes right through me when I hear people say things like "oh well he's her half brother" or "just your stepson" so I can't even imagine having it thrown at you like that all the time with his ex and what kind of crazy person does that to a three year old?!
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  #6  
May 24th, 2010, 09:23 PM
myblueyez's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 2,121
That woman is nuts.... But to gt her to stop doing that is probably next to impossible, unless there is a way to document it and prove it to a judge. In my divorce we weren't allowed to talk badly about the other parent to the kids, if it could be proved either of us did we faced contempt of court....
But that still won't do much to stop her from saying things like that.

My family is full of steps, halves and adopteds. We don't say all that though, my sister is my only "real" sibling but I would never think any less of my half brother, adopted brother or step-siblings...
Heck if we get technical, my kids are all halves, plus I have two steps, but when asked I say I have 5 kids. My mom treats my DSS & DSD the same as mine, and SO has told his family that mine are to be treated the same as his....
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  #7  
May 25th, 2010, 05:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by myblueyez View Post
That woman is nuts.... But to gt her to stop doing that is probably next to impossible, unless there is a way to document it and prove it to a judge. In my divorce we weren't allowed to talk badly about the other parent to the kids, if it could be proved either of us did we faced contempt of court....
But that still won't do much to stop her from saying things like that.

Most divorce decrees in the U.S. have that but it's impossible to enforce or prove when someone is not following. Dh's ex has been bashing him to his kids for 6 years now. Unfortunately there is nothing we can do about it.
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My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
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  #8  
May 25th, 2010, 10:21 AM
myblueyez's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 2,121
^^ Yeah I thought most did..
But yes it is almost impossible to prove or enforce and even if one could I think it would probably make the situation worse....
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  #9  
May 25th, 2010, 11:55 AM
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Yeah you're right it probably would make things worse. I wish someone could come up with a solution. It would help us all.
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Kris

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
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  #10  
May 25th, 2010, 05:23 PM
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Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,032
Maybe if we had a magic wand of some sort to wave at these crazy women to give them a little bit of common sense and decency that would do the trick, but unfortunately such a thing does not exist so I guess we're just stuck with all this drama.
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  #11  
May 26th, 2010, 06:22 AM
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And if the magic didn't work, we could just hit them hard with the wand!
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  #12  
May 26th, 2010, 01:43 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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First off, this is a normal thing to hear/read & I wanted to say that you are not alone.

Not everyone can be okay in a blended situation, and even if we do act nice & play nice, there are always going to be "situations" that aren't ideal.

As far as you being good enough for $, well...that's b/c that is what she wants and in HER perfect world, you'd just give her $ & she would never have to see or have you around again. But...the reality is this, you are married to her ex whom she has a child w/ and that's not going to happen. She is definitely jealous, but not b/c she wants to create drama, it's b/c she is immature & feels insecure about the relationship you have w/ her bio-child. Mothers can be VERY territorial & wonder if you are trying to take her place. Heck, my DH's ex-wife STILL acts like that & I don't even see my DSS, sad really.

Back to the tax refund. I wouldn't phrase that as your money going to her. Remember, this is child support, it's going to the child, it's the law, and if your DH was in arears for payment, then what he files in taxes at the end of the year, she is going to get, b/c "HE" owes that $, not you, but him/dad. I know that in your house, it's combined income & it sucks, I know, but you have to put that idea in your head aside & realize that this money is meant for the child & if you have any thought as to WHY or WHAT she is spending the $ on & you both believe that she isn't using the $ correctly, you can challenge her in the courts to see where it's going. If that is a concern of yours.

I think this bio-mom is being territorial b/c she's scared, she doesn't want to be replaced. I was there once, and on occasion, can still see how people can feel that way. This "should" get better w/ time, and if you two could sit down & talk I am sure things could get ironed out, as long as she's not unstable.

She's obviously going to take EVERY dime she can for her child, why wouldn't she? It's for her child, who cares who she gets it from? I wouldn't. However...the whole piece of making a point to say "half-brother/sister/sibling"...that's being petty & immature, it's time for her to shut her mouth & stop that petty behavior.

Now... I don't do that w/ my DS & my ex (they have 1 year old twins & I've never made my DS feel like they are his REAL sibs, I'd NEVER, EVER do that). However, w/ my DSS, he has a less than cooperative bio-mom (who I do not like or get along w/ & I have tried for YEARS to be & play nice, she is rude & out of her mind, what ever...another story). Back to her situation that I understand where you are feeling aggravated. She (my DSS' bio-mom) has told her son that we're not his REAL family & in front of her son (my DSS) told my DH that until she saw paternity tests to confirm that they were half blood, they were not welcome around her son, no photographs, nothing. Aside from her being petty, immature & crazy, how my DSS felt at that moment, I can't imagine, but I can see how he is feeling torn, he is scared to hurt his mother's feelings yet feels like he has to choose, because...and read carefully, she has made this situation about choosing...when it should NEVER, EVER be about choosing.

Is it hard to combine a family w/ different backgrounds, environments, etc.? YES, 110%, BUT...to be a good parent, and co-parent, you MUST put the petty behavior aside & not make ANY child feel like THEY are in the middle or responsible for their parents happiness. In doing that, it robs the child of the family they could have had.

I realize that this information may or may not help your situation, but to make you feel like you can see that you are NOT alone, you are not. You are many of us, either 10 year's ago, or in the present. Depending on which end you are looking at.

I hear from my DSS' bio-mom ONLY when she wants a check, b/c she knows that I am in charge of bills or writing checks. Other than that, if I try to talk to her, email her, anything, she freaks out & goes postal on me. I do not have time for that & have decided NOT to interract w/ her, at all, via email, phone, nothing. I delete her stuff, what she has sent me & don't plan on trying to get a relationship w/ her anymore. Now, if she grows up & decides to see the "light" & realize that this isn't about HER & make the effort for the sake of her son (my DSS), I would be willing to put my previous feelings aside & proceed w/ caution as I do not trust her. But until then, she doesn't exist. That's how much I do not care about her.

When it comes to my DS & his bio-dad, step-mother & sibs, we're in a good place, as good as I think they'll ever be. They are not perfect (as no situation is) but we're good. My DS doesn't feel like he has to choose which side of the room to sit at b/c me & his bio-dad are on the same side, same table & conversation.

With that all said. I hope that you can find some peace w/ in you to let HER go & stop getting mad every time she turns around. She is NOT thinking about you, she is NOT loosing sleep over you & if anything, she is getting personal gratification on you getting upset, the thought that you are upset or angry b/c of her, is EXACTLY where she wants you to be. Think of that every time you get irritated, she wants you to be. Take deep breaths & move onto another subject or situation.

HIH

(((HUGS)))


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  #13  
May 26th, 2010, 07:21 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
And if the magic didn't work, we could just hit them hard with the wand!

Love your idea for Plan B!
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