Log In Sign Up

Juggling Understanding and Frustration


Forum: Blended Families

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Blended Families LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
May 27th, 2010, 08:39 PM
AndyBee's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Gresham, OR
Posts: 692
BF's ex-wife now knows we're expecting. She took it rather well, just mainly was upset that this would "interfere with her daughter's life" It won't "interfere" it will be a blessing. She gets to be a big sister, what's the problem? Anyway, she's being really nice about it for now. Telling Evann she's going to have a sibling, that there's a baby in my tummy, and all that stuff. She even wants to get us a baby gift.

Yet she's still unwilling to let me watch Evann by myself. (Parenting plan states that both parents must approve of childcare) She claims that she can't trust a woman she doesn't know. Ok, yes, but I'm not some stranger to Evann. Hell, I've even tried to reach out and connect to the ex-wife. She just doesn't want to.

Anyway, she said it would be different if we were living together. Um, we pretty much are. Sure I still have my own home, but I'm with bf almost half the time and nearly every night he has little one. As far as Evann is concerned we DO live together.

I just feel as though she's trying to stop this just to be spiteful. I understand her uneasiness, I truly do. She doesn't know me, and that would freak me out too. But at least try to connect, or even just trust that the father won't put his daughter in danger. He's a very responsible dad, has his daughter 50/50 and wants her even more than that. Obviously he wants the best for her, but ex-wife is just so **** stubborn.

She says she needs to "marinate on it" some more. Am I out of line for wanting her to ok it already?
__________________

Special thanks to AlexAiden Mommy for my precious siggy
Reply With Quote
  #2  
May 27th, 2010, 09:40 PM
ToonTownGirl's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 729
Well coming from someone who doesn't have my own children, but 2 amazing step children, I think that she needs to lay off. But that's my personal opinion. Both my step kids are from 2 different mothers, that tried that crap too, and DF put the squash on it. We have been together for 2.5 years, and living together for just over 2 years now... and nothing either one of them say phase us. DSD's mother tried to have in their "agreement" that I couldn't watch DSD and DF told her to take a leap. We aren't married yet, but in the eyes of the law we pretty much are. We could claim as common law, heck my parents have been doing it for 34 years.

How long have you been in this child's life? How old is the child? How long have your BF and his ex been separated? There are a lot of factors, but it will come to the point where your BF is going to have to put his foot down. You guys are together, you are having a child with each other, and in a "perfect" world, she SHOULD just accept that. But it very rarely happens that way.

Best of luck with it. Enjoy the time that you are together with her, that's all that matters in the end
__________________


Thank you
*Kiliki* for my beautiful siggie!

1st Miscarriage - not planned - June 29, 2010

Saskatoon Scrappin'
- visit my blog!


Reply With Quote
  #3  
May 28th, 2010, 06:03 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,063
I can see both sides of it. I can see how it would be frustrating to you since you feel like a family already. But I can also see from a bio mom's perspective, the need to be protective of your child. Not that Evann needs protecting from her but I can see why bio mom may be slower to accept. I do think though that she should take the time to get comfortable with you since you are here to stay.

How long have you been with your guy? How long have you been in Evann's life?
__________________
Kris

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
Reply With Quote
  #4  
May 28th, 2010, 11:12 AM
myblueyez's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 2,121
Both PP have good points... And I can see this from both sides as well...

Just wanted to add.. Since it seems from your post that the two of you are at least civil to each other right now, is there any way maybe you could invite her out to lunch or even just coffee sometime so yall could talk and she could possibly get to know you a little better? Or maybe somewhere like the park with Evann there so she could see how you and her interact?? I know this could be awkward but maybe it would show her that you are taking the initiative and it could possibly speed up the preocess...

HTH...
__________________
Killing Time - my blog

~~Thank you to Jaidynsmum for my awesome siggy!~~


Reply With Quote
  #5  
May 28th, 2010, 08:07 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,032
I don't think that you are out of line. At first I was seeing it from bio mom's side as well until I re-read the part about her being ok with it if you guys were living together. Not sure why that would make a difference and it kinda sounds like an excuse for her to be difficult. And that statement doesn't seem very logical because anyone can move in with someone and still not be a good parental figure and you can live in two different households and still be great parents. Lots of people live under different roofs for different reasons, so your decision to do so shouldn't have anything to do with whether or not you are good enough to care for her daughter.

I think that she should have a little more trust in your BF, especially if he is a good father like you said in your post, and let him make decisions about who cares for his daughter. I don't think she would like it much if he tried to do the same thing and rule the time she has with the child like she is trying to do to him.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
May 29th, 2010, 06:19 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,063
Good point. Although I think maybe the bio mom's thoughts may be that if they aren't living together then it's easier for her to leave. Bio mom may be concerned that there's no commitment & dd could get attached to Amanda & then Amanda end the relationship. Now with a baby on the way that's less likely but still....
__________________
Kris

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
Reply With Quote
  #7  
May 29th, 2010, 06:39 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,032
That's true too. It's just a difficult situation altogether and since we don't actually know the parties involved, it's hard to base an opinion. There are a lot of factors that could change things. How long they've been together, whether or not bio mom is bringing SO's into the child's relationship with ease, how long it's been since the split, etc...
Reply With Quote
  #8  
May 30th, 2010, 02:56 PM
AndyBee's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Gresham, OR
Posts: 692
Well now bio mom says she doesn't want me to watch her regardless if we live together. She says it's her decision and it's a no. So much for equal parenting rights. Right now I'm in his daughter's life regardless if I babysit her. We spend nearly just as much time together as we can.

Personally, I don't see the big deal. I'm not asking to be a mom. In fact, I really couldn't care less if I could watch her. It actually makes my life easier if I don't. I guess I'm just upset that she's being so immature. Completely unwilling to get to know me, or even communicate in any form.

She's 13 years older than I am, but I feel like the adult. I'm sure my rant here is making me sound immature too. I'm just so freaking tired of dealing with this stuff. The worst part is that I know she'll ALWAYS be around, and she'll always be this negative towards me.
__________________

Special thanks to AlexAiden Mommy for my precious siggy
Reply With Quote
  #9  
May 30th, 2010, 03:59 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,063
If he has joint custody, a judge will say that he can leave the child with whoever he wants when the child is in his custody. She has absolutely no say. Your df needs to stand up to her & tell her to mind her own business.
__________________
Kris

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
Reply With Quote
  #10  
May 30th, 2010, 04:20 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,032
Exactly what I was thinking!

And by the way, you don't sound inmature. We all know how frustrating it is dealing with joint custody, custody battles, meddling bio moms, etc and this forum is a great place for rants about such things.

I also know exactly what you mean by feeling like the mature one. My BF's ex is older than I am and she's always doing inmature things. Today, for example, she called my BF wanting him to take Meyson back, even though he just dropped him off to her today, because she can't handle his bad behavior. You know what, when he has these screaming fits a lot of times I can't handle them, but I suck it up and do what I need to do for the sake of my DSS.

My best advice would be to remain the mature one in the situation and don't sink down to her level, no matter how much she tries to push you buttons and talk with DF about standing up to her. Tell him how all of this is making you feel, if you haven't already. Men tend to be really dense about such things so if you haven't talked to him, then he probably has no idea that there is a problem.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
May 30th, 2010, 05:19 PM
myblueyez's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 2,121
Again I agree with the above posters, but when you said she was 13 yrs older than you, it jumped out at me...
I think it boils down to petty jealousy and insecurity on her part.... She sees you as competition in the mommy area, you're younger so therefore = funner as a mommy to her little girl. Maybe she's insecure that Evann will like you more than her... I don't know if that's the case or not, just my 2 cents....
__________________
Killing Time - my blog

~~Thank you to Jaidynsmum for my awesome siggy!~~


Reply With Quote
  #12  
May 30th, 2010, 06:32 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,032
I agree. I think this happens when there is a big age gap between bio mom and stepmom, not always, but it seems to happen frequently, at least from what I've noticed.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
May 30th, 2010, 09:19 PM
AndyBee's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Gresham, OR
Posts: 692
Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
If he has joint custody, a judge will say that he can leave the child with whoever he wants when the child is in his custody. She has absolutely no say. Your df needs to stand up to her & tell her to mind her own business.
Unfortunately she does have a say. In their parenting plan they listed off individuals that are allowed to watch Evann alone. I was not one of these people. In order for me to legally be able to watch her, both parents have to agree to the decision. The only exception is a spouse. So until we make it official, we have to play by her rules.

I agree that she's threatened by me. But you know what? She could be fun too! If she'd just get off her butt and play with her daughter than I wouldn't be the only fun one. It aggravates me so much to know that Evann has to sit in the museum of a house (bi-mom lives with her parents at the age of 36) while she sits on facebook all day. UGH! We took Evann to the zoo (we have a membership) and when bf told the bio mom, she said "Oh that was nice of you to take her out" She said it like we were doing a super awesome treat for Evann, instead of just an every day play with your daughter thing. Come on lady! Engage with your daughter!
__________________

Special thanks to AlexAiden Mommy for my precious siggy
Reply With Quote
  #14  
May 31st, 2010, 05:29 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,032
My BF's ex is like that. He was telling her about some clothes shopping that we did for Meyson, doesn't sound all that exciting for a four year old but he LOVES clothes and shoes and her response was "Must be nice to get to buy him stuff" instead of being glad that her son enjoyed something. We weren't trying to rub anything in her face about buying him something, it was just conversation about what happened during Meyson's time with us. I hate when she's so negative about anything that we do with him!
Reply With Quote
  #15  
June 1st, 2010, 11:47 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the enchanted forest
Posts: 5,257
Glad she took it well, that's always a plus.

As far as her wondering how this will impact her daughter, I would be too. I mean, this is reality, the time spent will be impacted, and things WILL change. You can't believe that they wont. Sure, there is another sibling that is added, but again, to the child, the child didn't ask for the sibling, and either did the ex/bio-mom, so expect that not all circumstances will be "horray"...I know you want them to be, but reality is that it will not be. Trust me, I watched my son and his reaction to the twins (my ex), and I also watched my son react to my 2 little ones, and I watched my DSS react to the entire situation. We brought the kids to sibling classes, everything. I figured I did it all right. But let me be the one to say that no matter what you do, say, no matter how much you think you have prepared, you will never be prepared for what they will truly do once baby arrives. You will be surprised. I "assumed" my DS would be THRILLED to have a sibling...NOT...and I thought my DSS would be angry w/ the baby, again....total opposites.

Getting back to the "babysitting" thing. She doesn't know you, yes, the child may know you, which is great, but she doesn't, and if she doesn't know you, why should she leave her child alone w/ you? I wouldn't. You two aren't living together, regardless of the "practically living together" wouldn't cut it for me. My DSS' bio-mom refuses to allow my DH to see his son if he isn't around the ENTIRE time. She doesn't like/trust me. What ever. I've been in my DSS' life since he was just turning 6 and he's 13 for Pete's sake! We're married, live in the same house for a while now, 4 years. We have 2 kids in our marriage, nothing is not final in black & white & on paper. I think she would feel "better" (not great but better) if you guys were in fact residing w/ one another, b/c in those cases, it comes w/ the package, he lives w/ you & therefore that is to be expected, yet still...if she said "no, I do not want HER watching our child if you're not around"....bio-mom CAN legally enforce that. It's stupid, but it's the way things are.

Do I feel that she is jealous? yes, do I feel that she is trying to make things an issue that aren't? yes, believe me, I understand it & I've seen it. Try to remove yourself from the situation & realize that to her, you are a stranger who's moving into her territory as another role model/mom, you are now responsible for the sibling of her child, and it's all new territory, it's new to everything, and having a child, another child, it's a big deal & it should be, and you should expect some fear from the child & bio-mom, wondering how things will change, etc. It's to be expected.

In a perfect world, everyone would be happy & no one would be jealous. That's not reality which is why your intentions are wonderful, but they're not realistic, at least not now. In the future, who knows, it could be, but for now, no. I hope for your sake as I've BTDT, you do get a good situation & everyone gets into a pattern/routine, but...don't be surprised if there is some pushing back & pushing away or jealousy. It's just reality, nothing personal.

HIH
__________________



Reply With Quote
  #16  
June 1st, 2010, 02:20 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,063
Wow that's crazy wording in the divorce decree. I've never heard of such a thing. Perhaps it's time to get that changed.
__________________
Kris

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:04 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0