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Are we being unreasonable?


Forum: Blended Families

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  #1  
August 22nd, 2010, 11:32 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2007
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Hello all, i mostly lurk here but i have a question for people who are in blended family situations as most people i know IRL can't relate. My dh has a 6 year old with his ex wife...when his support was determined when she was about 1 she was in full time daycare. His order was written as "x" amount for daycare and "x" amount for support. We left the support alone last year because we werent sure what his ex was doing with her after school... turns out she didnt go to daycare at all during the school year and only2-3 days a week during the summer. Same with this summer, daycare 2-3 days a week... we have her 2-3 days during the week and every other weekend with dh's work schedule.

Now heres where it gets tricky. Dh's ex is now separated from her second husband and thus SDD would be needing some sort of after school care (her step dad watched her after school last year). She was originally supposed to go to an after school program that his ex was going to be paying for and 2-3 days a week dh would pick her up instead, no biggie everyone was fine with the arrangement. Come to find out her school is not offering the after school care so she asked if we could take her everyday because i am home with DS. The problem here is i have accepted a job watching other kids after school (i am taking ds with me) starting sometime in September... so we said to her, well, we can but the problem here is then she wouldnt be able to work. Since you were planning on paying for the after school care, why dont we just reduce the CS each month by whatever amount the after school care was going to be and yes we can take her....

Of course, she hit the roof and only saw this as she has to pay us to take care of "his" daughter. We are by no means trying to get out of support, we really arent but we are VERY tight on bills right now because DS was a Preemie and i am only able to work certain jobs i can take him too. I finally found a position where that works out when this comes up. We are even willing to take far less money then i would be making after all, she is dhs daughter and we would love to have her here everyday.... we just really can't give up the money (even if it is $20 dollars a month, hey thats a can of formula, kwim?). I should also say she very heavily relies on our CS to live, always has said she needs it to pay bills and does even more now that she is living on one income. We are not trying to make her poor by any means, it just really doesnt make sense to us... you would rather pay daycare and not have her come over instead of paying us the SAME amount less?

Are dh and i being completely insane for suggesting this? Seriously it would be a fabulous arrangement we would love to be ABLE to do it but we just arent money wise...
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  #2  
August 22nd, 2010, 02:24 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NYC
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The legal side of me says this is a situation that should be handled in court. What sucks about your situation is that she holds all the power. Your DH has to pay x amount of money as per a court order. If he doesn't, she can go and cause a lot of problems for him. If she was to report that he wasn't paying the full amount of cs, he can get into a lot of legal issues, i.e. have his license suspended, the money taken directly from his check, have part of your irs refund taken and stuff like that.

Things like this irk the crap out of me. She wants all the money the courts deemed she should get, including day care cost, yet she won't be paying for day care. If it were me, I would tell her that either you guys compromise on the money and daycare issue, or that she will need to find someone else to PAY to watch the child. I know that sounds harsh, but if you guys need the money just as much as she does, you shouldn't have to sacrifice your household income because she's being stubborn.

I hope you guys can come up with a solution.
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  #3  
August 22nd, 2010, 03:57 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2007
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I completely agree! I guess for legal sense instead of wording it as a "break" in the support... if it were to happen we'de still pay her the full amount and just have her pay us... just to cover dh's butt, he works for law enforcement so we can't have any issues!

I"m also quite irked with this whole thing. We really didnt expect this to be a blowup it really seemed like a good situation to us. Win - win if you know what i mean. I'm guessing she read the e mail dh sent (she prefers to communicate by e mail, not the phone), and immediately interpreted it as "oh he has another child now, he wants to pay me less he doesnt care about his first daughter anymore". She equates CS with love instead of the fact that we are always there to pick up his daughter, take her last minute, help buy things like school supplies, take her places etc.

When they originally made their custody arrangement years ago they left it very flexible because of dh's work schedule so it was best to have things flexible... but lately his ex is just being ridiculous about things so unfortunately we've decided to talk to a lawyer to deal with the visitation because all this just isnt working anymore and now we'll be seeing if the CS would be changed (before we were just going to leave CS the same). If it ends up going down i'll just offer to watch her full time anyway despite this whole thing. Only if she would just agree we could avoid court all together! Ugh.
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  #4  
August 22nd, 2010, 04:20 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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Good luck, I work in family law, so I know how hard and frustrating this can all be. Plus the fact that I deal with it on a personal level. My dsd bio moms views her daughter as nothing more than just a paycheck. We used to help out a lot more until she took him to court and put a restraining order on him. He went months without seeing his own daughter and ended up paying back support for months that he ALREADY paid. Very frustrating to say the least.
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❤ Big Thanks to Vicki, trishosaurus, & Shortcake for the great siggies of my kids! ❤
Liz (36) Kev (35)
Tiana (16) Doni (14) Lil Kev (8) Ethan 7/23/12 Lil Roo 10/29/11



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  #5  
August 23rd, 2010, 05:11 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
Join Date: Oct 2004
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I agree with the previous poster. If she is no longer in day care the child support order should be amended to remove that portion from the order.

Good luck with it! I don't think it is unreasonable to suggest that it be lowered.
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  #6  
August 25th, 2010, 10:35 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
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First off welcome, being part of a BF is a hard one, on both ends. I am both a bio & step mother, I receive & pay child support, I know all too well what can happen when CS is not paid & when it is paid & not spent the right way. It's very hard on both ends, trying to make ends meet as a single mother, and trying to make ends meet when you have to pay out CS to a person who lives in a web of lies & takes advantage of the $ that is paid to them (not me BTW).

Bottom line, if the non-custodial parent feels that the CS isn't being properly distributed, or illegally used, the non-custodial parent can go to the family probate court, petition for a modification for a breech of contract & ask for proof of where the payments are going etc. You technically don't need a lawyer for this, technically. But... in just my honest opinion, and in past experience, it's not a good idea to represent yourself when you have a lot of technical issues like this. That's JMHO. I'd go that route. Other than that. If the court docket states that there is a certain amount to be paid to the custodial parent, regardless of what she is truly using the $ for, don't not pay it, otherwise he can get into trouble. Pay the amount the court orders & then prove her wrong & have her owe the CS or have the order reduced based on what's happened recently. By law, every three years, you can request the courts to review your CS order, but be prepared to have it not go in your favor. The family first law (first child born gets the most), is the way the courts like to view things. If there are kids born AFTER the fact, on purpose, the courts basically view it as "oh well..." they don't say that but if you can't afford the child you had first, then don't have more. KWIM? Sounds like a lot going on. I'd go to the family probate & petition to modify or at best, you can have your DH seek professional opinion(s) by a legal rep for free for an hour of info., then if you choose to retain, you usually need $2k to do that.

HIH, GL
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