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Recycle Costumes & spoiled. Where are the boundaries?


Forum: Blended Families

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  #1  
September 14th, 2010, 12:07 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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For the larger families out there, do you recycle the costumes?

We have a lot of kids, and not a lot of $ so I tend to have the little kids wear the same costumes that their older brothers wore before hand. I wish I could buy them all new costumes but I just can't afford to do that. In a perfect world I would but I just can't.

I do get a little annoyed b/c my DSS gets what ever he wants, new this & that, new everything, and comes to our house & brags about it. Which is 100% unfair to our muffins. It's rude actually. He does no chores at his mother's house & gets everything. Meanwhile, my kids do chores & work hard & don't get spoiled like that. I think they feel resentful of their big/step/half-brother, in fact, I get annoyed & DH says that it's not his fault & he can't help it. Which I know, but he COULD have a talk w/ his DS about how it's not nice to BRAG about all the stuff he gets in front of the little ones. It's just not a nice thing to do in general. Kids don't like show-offs & that's what he does. It's pretty rude & my boys are envious of him when he does that. They don't understand why their big-bro can have it all, but they can't. Sometimes I feel like asking his mother "do you care that he has ZERO healthy boundaries?" he doesn't & she doesn't.
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  #2  
September 14th, 2010, 12:36 PM
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I'm not trying to be mean or rude and forgive me if I come off like that, but I have to wonder...

Do you ever have anything nice to say about your DSS? I mean, I've been reading here longer than I've been posting here and I just sense so much resentment coming from your posts. And honestly, I think you're projecting your feelings onto your sons about their brother.

I really don't want to upset you Chantelle, but I have to be honest with you.

And to answer your question, we generally have always bought the Halloween costumes for the kids. We buy new each year because they would take them home to their moms and we'd never see them again. Of course, we buy cheap costumes from Walmart, so it's usually not more than about $30 lost. This will be Will's last year TorTing so we'll only have Clayton & Daniel to worry about. In past years, I have gotten Daniel's costumes just after Halloween at Kohl's on clearance for under $5.00. I didn't do that last year, so I've been searching yard sale sights and ebay for something for him.
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  #3  
September 14th, 2010, 01:13 PM
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I see nothing wrong with reusing costumes. We do not since K is 15 and S is 4.
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  #4  
September 14th, 2010, 04:57 PM
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We haven't but that's because my two that are home are opposite genders. My dsd is always with her mom so I have no clue what she does for Halloween. I do recycle other things, like bathing suits, clothing, and shoes. But that's about it.
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  #5  
September 15th, 2010, 08:40 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel View Post
I'm not trying to be mean or rude and forgive me if I come off like that, but I have to wonder...

Do you ever have anything nice to say about your DSS? I mean, I've been reading here longer than I've been posting here and I just sense so much resentment coming from your posts. And honestly, I think you're projecting your feelings onto your sons about their brother.

I really don't want to upset you Chantelle, but I have to be honest with you.

And to answer your question, we generally have always bought the Halloween costumes for the kids. We buy new each year because they would take them home to their moms and we'd never see them again. Of course, we buy cheap costumes from Walmart, so it's usually not more than about $30 lost. This will be Will's last year TorTing so we'll only have Clayton & Daniel to worry about. In past years, I have gotten Daniel's costumes just after Halloween at Kohl's on clearance for under $5.00. I didn't do that last year, so I've been searching yard sale sights and ebay for something for him.
You are permitted to your outlook & if you believe that I do not like my own step-son then that's your opinion, however, you couldn't be more wrong. It is upsetting that someone is drawing that conclusion but you don't truly know what's happened to me like some of the gals on the board.

There was a time that things were complex between us, he pushed me away b/c he thought I was trying to substitute his mother, but as he's grown over the years & seen how that's not the case, he's let those walls down & we're very close as friends. I never pressured anything w/ him. No forced hugs or gatherings. In recent months, he's sat w/ me, had many heart-to-heart talks, and given me hugs & kisses
things that I can't really articulate but to the best of my ability, it's been a huge thing. My kids are grateful that they at last have their brother around, and so am I, it's nice. We have a lot of challenges, which is strange, b/c most married couples who've been together as long as me & my husband, these issues would have come up a long time ago, but they're only coming up now, b/c only recently, have things come up in that my DSS is now spending the night w/ us. Never in the past did those things happen b/c he refused to spend the night w/ us & his bio-mom refused her ex (my DH) visitation, even though legally she couldn't, she decided to do what she wanted. We never had to worry about the kids comparing errands, or items that the others had or didn't have. I have almost zero issues when it comes to my DS & my ex (his bio-dad) b/c it's been years. I can talk to his wife better than I can talk to him actually. There's no issues that can't be resolved. Only recently have I talked to my DSS' bio-mom, we've yet to build a connection which I've always been open too but I never in a million years thought I'd be there/here. I guess Rachel, had you been around in the past few years & known the situation regarding both myself, my DSS, how he wasn't around, the conditions as to why, the horrible heartbreaks, the tears shed, watching your husband cry b/c he can't see his own child due to a bitter ex-wife, you'd identify with why things are the way they are today.

Your analysis is only from a surface, not from one that is understood as a person who truly knows all that has happened. Get to know me, my situation, what has happened, and then, feel free to come to a conclusion on what you think I am, if it is rude, & call me names, but until then, I think it's a little impulsive to call me
rude when you don't really know my position. Just like I don't know yours. But I wouldn't sit here & call you names or pass judgment based on surface information. Perhaps a PM would have been a better way to communicate that sort of observation, it's just not very pleasant thing to say to someone, especially if you're trying to help them. It's more hurtful than helpful. Sorry...
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  #6  
September 15th, 2010, 11:21 AM
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We're on the opposite end. My kids are spoiled & do no chores - because I believe school is their job & the rest they should be kids. I sacrifice my own things - buy clothes 2nd hand, dye my own hair, drive a 7 year old van etc to buy my kids as much of what they want as I can. I also have always worked full-time.

Dh's ex is the opposite. She spends $100 every 2-3 weeks on her nails, takes vacations without the kids, etc. It's all about her. She didn't work until her kids were 10 & 14 and then it was only part-time. Her kids don't get as much as mine. She also put a lot of chores on them etc.

Just as I don't expect her to change the way she parents, I won't change the way I parent. They are my kids and if I want to be an overindulgent mom then I will. I was that way before I had stepkids & I'm not changing it.

I know that there are issue with that with the oldest. But I can't help that. I will not make my kids go without because her mother does. I feel bad for them but I'm still the kind of parent I am.
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  #7  
September 15th, 2010, 11:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daisyfields View Post
You are permitted to your outlook & if you believe that I do not like my own step-son then that's your opinion, however, you couldn't be more wrong. It is upsetting that someone is drawing that conclusion but you don't truly know what's happened to me like some of the gals on the board.

There was a time that things were complex between us, he pushed me away b/c he thought I was trying to substitute his mother, but as he's grown over the years & seen how that's not the case, he's let those walls down & we're very close as friends. I never pressured anything w/ him. No forced hugs or gatherings. In recent months, he's sat w/ me, had many heart-to-heart talks, and given me hugs & kisses
things that I can't really articulate but to the best of my ability, it's been a huge thing. My kids are grateful that they at last have their brother around, and so am I, it's nice. We have a lot of challenges, which is strange, b/c most married couples who've been together as long as me & my husband, these issues would have come up a long time ago, but they're only coming up now, b/c only recently, have things come up in that my DSS is now spending the night w/ us. Never in the past did those things happen b/c he refused to spend the night w/ us & his bio-mom refused her ex (my DH) visitation, even though legally she couldn't, she decided to do what she wanted. We never had to worry about the kids comparing errands, or items that the others had or didn't have. I have almost zero issues when it comes to my DS & my ex (his bio-dad) b/c it's been years. I can talk to his wife better than I can talk to him actually. There's no issues that can't be resolved. Only recently have I talked to my DSS' bio-mom, we've yet to build a connection which I've always been open too but I never in a million years thought I'd be there/here. I guess Rachel, had you been around in the past few years & known the situation regarding both myself, my DSS, how he wasn't around, the conditions as to why, the horrible heartbreaks, the tears shed, watching your husband cry b/c he can't see his own child due to a bitter ex-wife, you'd identify with why things are the way they are today.

Your analysis is only from a surface, not from one that is understood as a person who truly knows all that has happened. Get to know me, my situation, what has happened, and then, feel free to come to a conclusion on what you think I am, if it is rude, & call me names, but until then, I think it's a little impulsive to call me
rude when you don't really know my position. Just like I don't know yours. But I wouldn't sit here & call you names or pass judgment based on surface information. Perhaps a PM would have been a better way to communicate that sort of observation, it's just not very pleasant thing to say to someone, especially if you're trying to help them. It's more hurtful than helpful. Sorry...
I don't think I said you didn't like him, I just said that it seems like you resent him or at least the tone of your posts sound like you're resentful. But you're right. I don't know you and this is the internet and I can't hear your tone when I read your text. It's just an observation, and perhaps I'm wrong and I really hope I am.
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  #8  
September 15th, 2010, 11:42 AM
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Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
We're on the opposite end. My kids are spoiled & do no chores - because I believe school is their job & the rest they should be kids. I sacrifice my own things - buy clothes 2nd hand, dye my own hair, drive a 7 year old van etc to buy my kids as much of what they want as I can. I also have always worked full-time.

Dh's ex is the opposite. She spends $100 every 2-3 weeks on her nails, takes vacations without the kids, etc. It's all about her. She didn't work until her kids were 10 & 14 and then it was only part-time. Her kids don't get as much as mine. She also put a lot of chores on them etc.

Just as I don't expect her to change the way she parents, I won't change the way I parent. They are my kids and if I want to be an overindulgent mom then I will. I was that way before I had step-kids & I'm not changing it.

I know that there are issue with that with the oldest. But I can't help that. I will not make my kids go without because her mother does. I feel bad for them but I'm still the kind of parent I am.

Make no mistake, my kids jobs are 1) school... 2) family/God/church & 3) chores...the rest is fun or activities like bball or soccer, which ever they want. Priorities will always be education, always! None of my kids will require to work a part-time job as long as they are in school full-time, college included, again, they must be in college full-time. And again, help out around the house, clean up after themselves, be responsible, healthy boundaries, nothing major.

For the record (and this is sad) I'm still wearing what I called my maternity clothes for my son that I had in 2000 to date! That's right, same undies, same clothes, everything down to the same socks. Yes, I've bought some stuff, but not much. I do not get my nails done. The only thing I do for myself is my hair, and that's pushing it, I don't even do that as much. I give EVERYTHING to my kiddos. If they want something special, I make it happen. But, when you are a family of 6, and you have some unexpected bills that have set you back (some more so than recent) you might not be able to do as much as you use to do.
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  #9  
September 15th, 2010, 11:56 AM
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Chantelle, I know you are an awesome mom & do what you can for your kids. I was just explaining my situation - not comparing them in the least.

I wanted to add Chantelle, that I certainly understand how you feel. I would feel the same way if I were you. However, you can't expect her to change. Perhaps your dh can have a chat with dss and explain to him that not all kids including his own siblings have as much as he does. I have those conversations with my dd all the time. Cause kids just don't get it.

Also, I do understand where you are coming from with your dss. Honestly I don't think I have every said anything nice about my Dh's oldest. I actually don't even refer to her as my stepdaugther as we have never had a relationship (her choice not mine). She's not all bad & I do say nice things about her to dh & the kids. I've just not posted them here. Quite honestly I don't like her and I do resent what she's done to Dh & our family ( but that's me not you )

This board is mostly for complaining or at least that's how most of us have used it. A while back we had a person on her who had what appeared to be a perfect relationship with her dsd and her bio mom. She didn't end up staying because she couldn't relate to us & we couldn't relate to her.

That's why it's hard sometimes to keep the board busy. Because people have their playgroups and other boards where they do the fun stuff. This is the complain to people who understand board
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  #10  
September 15th, 2010, 01:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
This is the complain to people who understand board
This is certainly not what this board was designed to be and not something that I want it to be, frankly. I understand that we have things that we need to complaint about and vent about and honestly my step-kids are difficult and their mom makes life difficult and it's hard. But I think if we dwell on the bad, it can be bad for us. I would never say that someone couldn't complain about their situation, but I don't want anyone to feel like that can't post feel good posts because their situation is like that, kwim?

I dunno. Why can't we have both here on this board?
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  #11  
September 15th, 2010, 02:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Rachel View Post
This is certainly not what this board was designed to be and not something that I want it to be, frankly. I understand that we have things that we need to complaint about and vent about and honestly my step-kids are difficult and their mom makes life difficult and it's hard. But I think if we dwell on the bad, it can be bad for us. I would never say that someone couldn't complain about their situation, but I don't want anyone to feel like that can't post feel good posts because their situation is like that, kwim?

I dunno. Why can't we have both here on this board?
Not saying we can't - that would be nice. People do post feel good posts here as well both Chantelle & I have in the last couple of months because we've actually got to spend time with our stepkids and it went well. But the majority is venting and/or figure out how to deal with a situation regarding our blended families - not usually positive situation because they don't need figuring out.

It's great to know we're not alone. Just because it's negative doesn't mean it's not good - I mean it's therapy Plus it great to know that you aren't the only one who feels a certain way or goes through things. Our friends who aren't part of blended families just can't understand.

I love this board because when I posted about my situation with my dh's dd on another parenting board, I was treated like evil incarnate. How dare I not like an innocent child? It's not her fault yadayada. Even though she almost wrecked my marriage I was supposed to love her and allow her to abuse me & my children. I came here and got a ton of understanding and support because the ladies here got it.

Unfortunately usually the struggles outnumber the wins And when I've tried to post off-topic threads, I've gotten no responses. Perhaps I'm just not good at it I hope you can get it going more because this is a great group!
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  #12  
September 15th, 2010, 03:25 PM
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I love this board because of the same reasons Kris! I talk about good things, but sadly sometimes in blended families, that there can be more negative then positive. And knowing that I can come here and vent about the crap that I've been through, and know that there is at least ONE gal here that has been through it, or something similar, pushes me along to get through it because I know that I'm not alone.

I don't think that anything has to change, other than maybe a little bit of a pick up (which has happened) but if the "structure" of this board were to change and we couldn't "vent" to people who are in the same boat as I am... I wouldn't be posting here anymore.

Just my 2 cents
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  #13  
September 15th, 2010, 04:12 PM
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I agree that having a Blended Family is tough. Much more work than I ever imagined. Dealing with crazy ex-wifes or girlfriends and kids that have been brainwashed makes it even harder. I guess what I am trying to get across is that you can either let the bad swallow you up and dwell on it or you can hike up your skirt, step through the poop and keep going.

Heck, I could sit here all day long and write post after post about Neely's ex and I have. I'm not saying let's make this board all sunshine & rainbows, but constant negativity can bring a person down, kwim?
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  #14  
September 15th, 2010, 04:39 PM
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Chantelle, just want to apologize for high-jacking your thread. You can kick me if you want.
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  #15  
September 16th, 2010, 09:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
Not saying we can't - that would be nice. People do post feel good posts here as well both Chantelle & I have in the last couple of months because we've actually got to spend time with our stepkids and it went well. But the majority is venting and/or figure out how to deal with a situation regarding our blended families - not usually positive situation because they don't need figuring out.

It's great to know we're not alone. Just because it's negative doesn't mean it's not good - I mean it's therapy Plus it great to know that you aren't the only one who feels a certain way or goes through things. Our friends who aren't part of blended families just can't understand.

I love this board because when I posted about my situation with my dh's dd on another parenting board, I was treated like evil incarnate. How dare I not like an innocent child? It's not her fault yadayada. Even though she almost wrecked my marriage I was supposed to love her and allow her to abuse me & my children. I came here and got a ton of understanding and support because the ladies here got it.

Unfortunately usually the struggles outnumber the wins And when I've tried to post off-topic threads, I've gotten no responses. Perhaps I'm just not good at it I hope you can get it going more because this is a great group!

Just like Kris said above & Tiffany said below, we can't always CHOOSE the way things turn out, and in a perfect world, it would be...well...perfect, but it's not. It's out of our control, and can get messy, ugly, and frankly, miserable. It's nice to come to a place where people "get you"...which is why I've always felt like I've had a place to come & talk. I started to post after a brief time away & all of a sudden I'm being judged by a couple people who don't know me from a a whole in the wall that I don't like my step-son or that I'm negative about him. I'd like Kris & Tiffany to answer that, am I a step-mother monster who doesn't want my step-son in my life? And...up until recently (literally), I never saw my DSS, only recently has this child been coming to our home every other weekend, and it's a brand new thing, literally. I'm happy & so are my other kids. I feel like she's up to something (bio-mom) but I'm hoping she had a mental slap across the face of reality & realized that this is the way it should be.

Then I just get another "vet" who decided to be again, judgmental of a comment to a thread that I posted. Again, I'm being singled out. A place I once felt "safe" to vent, has now become a place that I'm feeling judged. Why? We all have our own issues, no one is perfect, and if I wasn't dealing w/ a life threatening medical condition, I would still be hosting as I did for several years. My medical issues are so erratic, I wasn't able to be consistent anymore.

I'm just glad that I'm not the only person that is not full of candy canes & marshmallows b/c it's not reality, especially in a blended family.
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  #16  
September 16th, 2010, 11:15 AM
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I guess what I am trying to get across is that you can either let the bad swallow you up and dwell on it or you can hike up your skirt, step through the poop and keep going.
I'm trying to figure out a way to respond to this that isn't confrontation but I have to say I found this statement very insulting.

I don't think there is ANYONE on this board who is wallowing in self-pity or dwelling on it. Actually this board is pretty quiet. When it's quiet that's a sign that things are going well for folks.

We come here to share & vent when we need to because quite frankly it's the only place. Most of us have been around for a few years not just a few months. So maybe we have a better understanding of how helpful this board can be.
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  #17  
September 16th, 2010, 12:24 PM
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I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to be insulting. Please PM me and we can talk about it.
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  #18  
September 16th, 2010, 12:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
I'm trying to figure out a way to respond to this that isn't confrontation but I have to say I found this statement very insulting.

I don't think there is ANYONE on this board who is wallowing in self-pity or dwelling on it. Actually this board is pretty quiet. When it's quiet that's a sign that things are going well for folks.

We come here to share & vent when we need to because quite frankly it's the only place. Most of us have been around for a few years not just a few months. So maybe we have a better understanding of how helpful this board can be.


I couldn't agree more with you Kris. We don't have time to wallow in self pity or dwell on it. We are compassionate women who love and care for our kids/step-kids. If we weren't, we wouldn't be where we are. We come here to vent and not to be judged for what we say because someone out there has BTDT. But it seems like a lot of "judgement" is being thrown around, instead of support.

Again, just my 2 cents
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  #19  
September 16th, 2010, 01:18 PM
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For the record, I wasn't judging Chantelle. I was telling her how I perceived her posts. While I haven't been posting on this board for two years+, I have been reading here that long. I want to reiterate that I do think you can and should vent anytime you want here. I never said we should only have only fluff and feel good posts. What I said was that I felt the tone of Chantelle's posts (not all, but a lot) were resentful and I felt like I needed to tell her that that was how she was coming across to me, and possibly others. That's all. I wasn't attacking. I wouldn't attack anyone, since well, I really know the Community Guidelines and all.

Additionally, I don't think any of you or me are wallowing in self-pity. I was just pointing out that anyone who dwells on the bad in their life will be miserable. The end. It was not directed at Chantelle or Kris or Tiffany or anyone, just in general and anyone, including me.

Look, I'll be the first to admit that raising someone else's child is not easy. Dealing with crazy ex-husbands or ex-wives is not easy. Dealing with kids who have been brainwashed by their bio-parent is not easy. I have been dealing with step-kids for 19 years. Dealing with crazy ex-partners for 19 years. It is hard work. Really really really hard. I vent just as much as anyone and I want you all to continue to do so.

I'm sorry if any of you felt that I was attacking you or passing judgment or whatever you might have perceived I did. I didn't mean to upset anyone.
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