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Forum: Blended Families

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  #1  
September 22nd, 2010, 11:59 AM
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Hi, I am new to messageboards...of any kind...so hopefully I do this right. I need advice on a somewhat complicated situation...I'm a mom of 2 boys...6 and 4, divorced, but very very amicably...and now have been dating someone for over a year. He has a 3 year old son...and this is where it gets confusing...he's not 100% sure he's his. Over the last year we have had many discusscusions about this and now he is finally waiting to get the results of the paternity. So here is my problem...I sort of figured I was done having kids..after my husband and I separated I thought that part of my life was done and I was totally fine with that. Now my bf wants kids badly...especially with me....he is so sweet about it and so passionate...we both have good careers so none of this is an issue...but my problem is I feel like if we find out his son is in fact not his then I would be willing and gladly so, to have a baby with him, because this is all he's ever wanted and it's so painfully obvious and I love him. However if his son is his I don't think I can do it...it would just seem to complicated to me...and honestly his baby mama is not the nicest lady in the world so I do know she would make it even more difficult. I don't want to have to fight for time and attention because she in the situation would make things difficult...is this selfish of me??...I don't know what to do...any feedback or similar situations would be so greatly appreciated! Thanks!
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  #2  
September 22nd, 2010, 12:34 PM
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No similar situations here unless you count the fact that I was only willing to legal marry DH at first because he had never been legally married. Now with that said, once I sat down and truly thought it out, I discovered that I wanted to legally marry DH because I wanted to, not because he's never been married before.

The point I'm trying to get at is this, you need to feel comfortable with having another child regardless of the possibility of his child be his or not. To give a man a child simply because he had one "taken away" from him, is unfair to YOURSELF. In the end you are the one truly responsible for said child and you need peace of mind knowing that you can handle more children on your own if need be.
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❤ Big Thanks to Vicki, trishosaurus, & Shortcake for the great siggies of my kids! ❤
Liz (36) Kev (35)
Tiana (16) Doni (14) Lil Kev (8) Ethan 7/23/12 Lil Roo 10/29/11



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  #3  
September 22nd, 2010, 12:52 PM
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I like the analogy of the marriage thing...good one. I know I could raise a third child on my own if need be...I'm lucky that way. So then I tried to take your advice and think of if I would want another child, me on my own without any other influences, but then I found that impossible. Because I think back to my two boys and I wouldn't of had them had it not been because I was in love with their father and we wanted that together. Sooo...yes the fact that he wants children so bad does play into my thought process. He didn't get to be part of any of the experience with his own (maybe) son. No doctors appts, not at the birth, etc. I feel bad that he never got to experience that....I can still remember my husband's face when we first heard our first son's heartbeat. I just feel like now everything is so muddled together when I try to think it through that I just don't know what to focus on anymore. And I mean you never regret having a baby once it's here do you?? Maybe things will feel more clear and the answer will come easier once we have those results?
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  #4  
September 22nd, 2010, 01:41 PM
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I agree with Liz (again, LOL). We have a blended family. My two, his two and then our one. I totally thought I was done having kids after my older two, but realized quickly that I wanted one more with Neely. (actually, I want another one now, but that's a different story )

Neely's ex is not very nice either, but having a child with Neely never gave her any more or less ammunition against him.
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  #5  
September 22nd, 2010, 01:47 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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Rachel and I share a brain. Nah actually I'm her alter ego.
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❤ Big Thanks to Vicki, trishosaurus, & Shortcake for the great siggies of my kids! ❤
Liz (36) Kev (35)
Tiana (16) Doni (14) Lil Kev (8) Ethan 7/23/12 Lil Roo 10/29/11



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  #6  
September 22nd, 2010, 02:20 PM
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Thanks ladies...you have given me some things to think about. I really want to see exactly how I feel once those results come in...if maybe I have a strong reaction that even if it comes back that he is not his that I still don't want more kids??...maybe that will be the most honest gut feeling reaction...I will wait and see. It was nice to get a bit of feedback from others since I feel like I am overkilling the subject with him and he wants to just and wait and see how it comes back so thank you!
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  #7  
September 22nd, 2010, 03:06 PM
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Let me ask you something. Feel free to not answer if it's none of my business.

Has he been a father to this child up to now? I mean has he supported him, loved him, raised him, spent time with him? I fail to see how a blood test will make much of a difference if he's been parenting the child up to now. Will he suddenly exit from the child's life if it turns out that he's not in fact the father? That's hardly fair to the child, kwim? I think financially, he would no longer be obligated, but I don't see how you can turn the love off like that.
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  #8  
September 22nd, 2010, 05:43 PM
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Actually, bio father or not, if his name is on the birth certificate and he's been raising the child as his own this whole time, that makes him responsible for child support in the eyes of the law.
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❤ Big Thanks to Vicki, trishosaurus, & Shortcake for the great siggies of my kids! ❤
Liz (36) Kev (35)
Tiana (16) Doni (14) Lil Kev (8) Ethan 7/23/12 Lil Roo 10/29/11



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  #9  
September 22nd, 2010, 05:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
Actually, bio father or not, if his name is on the birth certificate and he's been raising the child as his own this whole time, that makes him responsible for child support in the eyes of the law.
I think you're probably right. He'd probably have to initiate litigation to have himself removed.
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  #10  
September 22nd, 2010, 05:54 PM
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Yes, he would and even then there is no guarantee that he would win. This is actually my field of work.
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❤ Big Thanks to Vicki, trishosaurus, & Shortcake for the great siggies of my kids! ❤
Liz (36) Kev (35)
Tiana (16) Doni (14) Lil Kev (8) Ethan 7/23/12 Lil Roo 10/29/11



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  #11  
September 22nd, 2010, 07:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
Yes, he would and even then there is no guarantee that he would win. This is actually my field of work.
Oh interesting! I used to work full time for a small law firm, but now I just work occasionally for an attorney who does custody/visitation and divorce law here in Maryland. That's why I know my way around the Maryland court system. I have never seen a case like this, though.
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  #12  
September 23rd, 2010, 06:24 AM
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My firm is a general practice firm, but their main case loads tend to be family court issues, child support in particular. I'm glad that I'm here since my paralegal path is going towards family law. Hopefully I'll become a practicing attorney within the next 5 years or so.
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❤ Big Thanks to Vicki, trishosaurus, & Shortcake for the great siggies of my kids! ❤
Liz (36) Kev (35)
Tiana (16) Doni (14) Lil Kev (8) Ethan 7/23/12 Lil Roo 10/29/11



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  #13  
September 23rd, 2010, 06:35 AM
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He has been paying child support but probably not as much as he is required too...based it on a salary he had before a raise....but, and this may have been stupid of him (but now maybe not if it turns out to not to be his??) he has been paying with cash. (ohhhh I know!!) He does spend time with him but not on a set schedule or anything and this is where it gets interesting...she has done this to him before..she has an older child who ended up not being his. We had such talks about it at the start because I could not wrap my head around how he would go back after that...he chalks it up to being young and stupid and just wanting a family that badly (and the sex I'm sure). The mom is very manipulative and plays games about him seeing his (maybe) son. I have wondered the same things about the child support issue and am not sure how that would all turn out??...He was devasted the first time around and now I think is just pure scared to go through it again. He has said though...although it would break his heart if he turns out not to be his he is walking away from the situation because it would just be too painful and confusing to be involved in it. The little one just turned 2 so atleast he will probably not really have much of a memory about it but it is still heartbreaking. That is why I have said to him it is now or never...he can't leave it till he's any older or then he is really risking damaging that poor child.

Ohh and she has not let him see a birth certificate so he does not know what she put down as the father of the child.
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  #14  
September 23rd, 2010, 06:49 AM
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What she put down and what he signed are two different things. First question is are they or were they ever legally married? And if so, was the child born during the marriage. If that's the case, he's automatically the father and will most likely be required to pay support. If he signed any papers acknowledging paternity, then again he will most likely be required to pay. If he never signed anything but has been paying, he kinda locked himself in there and will have to fight hard to get out. If he has a court order, then it's more than likely paternity has already been established in the eyes of the court. In cases like these the courts will almost always look out for the best interest of the child, so if that means a man that is not biologically a child's father but has assumed that role, will be stuck with that role until the legal age your state has to stop support payments. Oh and he can pay cash all he has to do is get a receipt book and have her sign them acknowledging his payments. It covers is arse in the end.
__________________

❤ Big Thanks to Vicki, trishosaurus, & Shortcake for the great siggies of my kids! ❤
Liz (36) Kev (35)
Tiana (16) Doni (14) Lil Kev (8) Ethan 7/23/12 Lil Roo 10/29/11



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  #15  
September 23rd, 2010, 07:24 AM
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Hey, Nope they were never married and he never signed anything regarding paternity...I guess this may seem a bit sneaky...(but if he turns out not to be the father then how sneaky was she??)...but since he's been paying cash to her could he just deny that he has ever paid anything?...could he not just say that she just sprung this on him recently and he decided to then do a paternity test?

They also did not live together after this child was born...they had lived together but this was a few years prior to her getting pregnant with her second.
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  #16  
September 23rd, 2010, 09:40 AM
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So they have never been to court for support? He just pays because he knows that as a parent that's what he is supposed to do? He could deny everything, then it becomes a he said she said situation, but I don't think that would look good on his end. He could always just say that he recently found out that the child may not be his and he would like a paternity test to confirm. Also, he could just do a test on his own, it's really not that difficult to find a place that does them.
__________________

❤ Big Thanks to Vicki, trishosaurus, & Shortcake for the great siggies of my kids! ❤
Liz (36) Kev (35)
Tiana (16) Doni (14) Lil Kev (8) Ethan 7/23/12 Lil Roo 10/29/11



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  #17  
September 23rd, 2010, 10:31 AM
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No they haven't been to court. They weren't even actually together when the child was conceived...had just "seen" each other a few times where the timing makes sense. So he just took her word for it when she told him it was his. He says deep down he may have had some doubts but sort of ignored them...so he did just pay based on that...but now the doubts have started getting to him and he has also heard some rumours from people that there is a chance he's not his. He is in the process of doing one. Not a legal one just the home one so that he can get the results and digest that and think about what his next step will be.
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  #18  
September 27th, 2010, 03:32 PM
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Be sure to let us know how everything turns out, k?
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  #19  
September 30th, 2010, 08:14 AM
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Will do! Thanks ladies!
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  #20  
November 11th, 2010, 10:58 AM
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Sooo...he did the test and got the results back a couple of weeks ago and he is not his! He was obviously devastated and is continuing to deal with the news but it is getting better. When he told her she she said she couldn't believe and was upset but then it came out that it could be 2 others! She had based her "I am absolutley sure" on a week and a half time span...so come on any girl knows that if you have unprotected sex with three different guys in one cycle chances are it could be anyones! How do you ruin people's lives like that?...anyway, he says he just can't be part of their lives, not after everything, and he just doesn't know how it would get explained to the little boy as he gets older. At least at 2 and a half he will probably not have any recollection of it all anyway. Anyway, thanks for all your feedback ladies.
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