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When do you/did you start talking candidly to your child about the issues?


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  #1  
October 6th, 2010, 01:03 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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My big two are old enough now that they know the whole story and I don't know exactly when I started sharing with them, I just know that I was always honest with them and if they asked something I told them the truth, despite how it made me or their dad look. It seems like they always knew the situation, but I know I didn't share things with them in the beginning. I think they mostly figured it out on their own.

I'm torn with how much to tell/not tell Will & Clayton. Not necessarily about why their parents divorced, but why things are so contentious now, kwim? Their mom lies to them. ALL the time. We don't want them having false hopes about things that she has said to them. Especially since she's telling them that they are going to go live with her soon, which is not going to happen.
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  #2  
October 6th, 2010, 03:11 PM
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Honestly, I wouldn't tell T the whole story until she's at least 18.
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  #3  
October 6th, 2010, 07:35 PM
queenofthecastle's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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The boys only really know that their dad pays support.....which is his fault because he opened his mouth and told them that he coudn't take them to do something because "I give your mom all of my extra money". I think that if they asked questions, I would be honest with them. They haven't asked yet.
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  #4  
October 7th, 2010, 12:29 PM
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Lucy knew pretty much everything that's happened. Unfortunately a lot of it was because she was there living it & there was no way I could shelter her. She was very young when it all started - just 2. But she is gifted so unfortunately aware of more than I wish she was. She went to counseling for a year when she was 5. That helped her a lot with the issues with her bio dad.

I told Dh's kids that he was paying child support. I think the kids should know. Not it they way Outnumbered's kids were told but just a matter of fact. Our problems started with Dh's oldest because her parents didn't tell her he was paying support. Mom either let her believe or told her that Dh had abandoned them - wasn't supporting them but was supporting "his new family". Which is completely untrue because I make way more than Dh and have always supported both my kids and myself. While he supports himself & his 2.

Anyway, it started the snowball down the hill & now it's a mountain and even though she knows the truth - there's no going back.
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  #5  
October 7th, 2010, 02:22 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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Will & Clayton know that we have asked their mom for child support, and that we've had to go to court a few times for it. They also know that we asked the court to give Neely custody because she kept telling them "a few more weeks and we'll be together again" and Will would go to school and tell his teachers that he didn't have to do any school work because he would be leaving that school and transferring to a school where his mom lived. Neely sat them both down and told them honestly that they weren't going to live with their mom, not soon, not in a year, probably not ever. And then I sent her a message, mother to mother, and asked her to please stop telling the boys that and why I thought it was hurting them. She stopped for a few months, but now she's back at it again.
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  #6  
October 8th, 2010, 12:19 PM
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It's so frustrating that these bio moms play games. Why would you do that to your own child??????

Dh's ex is the worst. She's a trained therapist Dealing with family counseling. Can you believe that?????

She even talked to Dh about my dd when we 1st were dating. Calling DD "at risk" because I was keeping her unstable bio dad out of her life. And then what does she do????? Cut her own daughters off from there WONDERFUL Dad. I just don't get it???????
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  #7  
October 10th, 2010, 10:35 PM
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SD had some questions when her BM moved to anouther state to be with her boyfriend and his family (now husband). Most of them surrounded why she left when the rest of her family is here, but questions about why she lives with us and not BM came up too. I gave her the "cause this is where she wanted to you to live, she thought you would have a better life here" speech. But I have over 700 e-mails between BM and I from when the custody switch started till now and pretty much decided when she gets older she can just read the e-mails. I will just give them to her and leave her to it. She can decide on her own how she feels it went down. Bm and I only communicated through e-mails most of the time so everything we said to eachother is there.
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  #8  
October 11th, 2010, 11:09 AM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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I wish their mom would communicate that way. She likes live conversations so she can manipulate the conversation and talk in circles. She's not capable of concise, thought out responses to emails, though we have tried to communicate that way.
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  #9  
October 14th, 2010, 02:28 AM
myblueyez's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Ours all know pretty much the whole story.
Seth knows about his bio now, and yes that's all he is he's not a dad in any way at all. For as long as I could I didn't tell him about him, my ex-dh raised him from 1.5 yrs and was the only dad he ever knew. Then somehow CSE got bios info(not from me, we were perfectly fine w/out him around) and we had to go through all the court crap with support, paternity testing etc.. I had to have bios name put on the birth certificate which was blank for the fathers info, that's what I hated almost the most. But all that was for nothing, bio came around once, paid 1 month of support and very shortly returned to prison where he will be until Seth is about 18. Seth doesn't want anything to do with him at all and still calls my ex his dad.

DSD & DSS know the truth, we made sure of it. But it was their grandma that was doing the lying. They had a bunch of questions and were repeating some not so nice things they had heard from grandma about SO, we called up their mom on speaker phone and it was all straightened out. We do have a good relationship with their mom currently, but will be going to court soon for some custody stuff to get put on paper, we shall see if that changes...
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Last edited by myblueyez; October 14th, 2010 at 02:32 AM.
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  #10  
October 25th, 2010, 10:27 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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I started telling my DS about "some" stuff when he asked about it... he would tell me things, or ask about things that my ex would tell him. And it would leave me w/ no choice but to explain things. And I would explain no more than necessary. It started around 6-ish... but I haven't gotten into great detail. However, my DSS, he has gotten into great detail w/ me about his mother & father, and it's not b/c of his father sharing, it's b/c of his bio-mom sharing. Which I've talked about here on BF's before. It's a shame she's told him the stuff she's told him. No need to share that stuff.

I wonder what she would do or how she would feel if I my DH would tell their son how she used abortion as a form of Birth Control prior to having their son? YUP! Now... I would LOVE to let that cat out of the bag, and I don't know if she even knows that I know, but she has a lot of nerve. You'd think that her past behavior, mistakes, she'd think twice about talking in great detail like that but she doesn't. I wont be the one to tell my DSS about her way of getting rid of her unwanted pregnancies w/ my DH, but at the same time, she has that guilt she has to carry that w/ her. My DH wanted the babies, she ultimately had them & made the decisions on her own. Her body, her decisions. Her daddy paid for it while my DH was overseas serving in the military. Sometimes I wonder if they were his... juicy gossip!
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  #11  
October 25th, 2010, 02:41 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daisyfields View Post
I wonder what she would do or how she would feel if I my DH would tell their son how she used abortion as a form of Birth Control prior to having their son?
While I don't believe in abortion as a form of birth control, I can't imagine any good it would do to tell your DSS that.

And honestly, that's no one's business but her and your DH.
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  #12  
October 26th, 2010, 11:48 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel View Post
While I don't believe in abortion as a form of birth control, I can't imagine any good it would do to tell your DSS that.

And honestly, that's no one's business but her and your DH.
Oh God no... this wouldn't happen, my DH wouldn't tell my DSS this. If he was that "type" of man, he would have played that horrible card year's back. She's the one who's dragged his name through the mud badly. I mean I talked about this before how he came to me, trusted & discussed details about the dynamics regarding his mother's past relationship w/ his father (my DH)... I've yet to truly discuss it w/ my DH, and I've tried to talk to my DSS about it, but it's been an awkward conversation to open up. I haven't had an opportunity to discuss this w/ his bio-mom, I've called & left a couple v/mails asking if she could give me a call to talk when she got a chance, nothing major, nothing that would be a long discussion, just something I felt raised concern.
She's never called back & I doubt she will at this point since it's been over a month. She likes to text & it's quick. I can't talk about that "stuff" via text, it's not appropriate.

It was an example of amo (if you will) that I have, which I would never use, but she is an idiot for being the way she is in talking about her my DH to her DS (my DSS) the way she does. I feel like she doesn't realize that she's no angel & she makes a lot of mistakes, lots of mistakes.... we all do.. but those who live in glass houses should NOT throw stones & she lives in a delicate glass house for sure & she's throwing bricks & boulders! Hope that made sense. It wasn't mean to come off as vindictive, more of again, she shouldn't be acting perfect, she's not herself.

In the end, her actions & what she does, how she behaves & talks about my DH to my DSS, it makes it my business when I have to deal w/ it. What happened in their marriage SHOULD have left when they legally divorced, but she has made it a point to drag it into OUR marriage & in OUR lives today. So actually Rachel, it's not strictly between just my husband & his ex wife, it's involving me & my entire family now. She should have kept her mouth shut regarding the dynamics of her marriage to my DH talking to my DSS, but instead, she talks, doesn't shut her mouth. That's the problem

Last edited by Daisyfields; October 26th, 2010 at 11:51 AM.
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