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This isnt about BM, but more about BM's mom (GM). BM came into town this week for work and asked for two things, to see SD one night for dinner and if she can come with Trick or Treating. We Trick or Treating with us wasnt going to happen because we were going with friends that BM doesnt like. But we were actually invited somewhere Saturday night and DH figured "hey why not ask BM if she wants to take SD overnight on Saturday?" So he e-mails her that she can have her overnight Sat night and we will pick her up at noon on Sunday (Holloween) before our party. Then she can see her during the week to when she gets off work.
So when BM comes to pick up SD she has GM with her, and GM looks at me and says "she has her costume right?" I looked at her dumbfounded. Trick or Treating doesnt start before noon anywhere. And I tell her no, because its not complete (we still needed the leggins and accessories) and that I was heading to the costume shop after they left becasue I didnt even have my costume. and she makes a comment about "well I'm sure we can come up with something, since you have to get her at noon" (what did that mean?)
So the next day at about 10 minutes after noon we are driving down GM's street headed to the house and see BM, GM, and SD walkign down the street trick or treating with some makeshift costume that GM is oviously so proud of she even lifted SD's skirt to show me how they taped up a pair of shoes so they would fit her. Why is she not in her normal clothes so we can pick her up? Shouldnt she be ready to go? She is always ready when GM comes to get her. So I laugh and say Aww you made her a costume. and GM says "well, you had to pick her up and noon, so we went out at 11 to trick or treat" REALLY? you said it again?? we HAD to pick her up at noon???
BM is right there, she never asked for more than a few hours on holloween and dinner one night. We gave her more than she asked!! so why is GM looking a gift horse in the mouth?? Making it sound like were the bad guys because we picked her up at noon. We had 4 different places to go on Holloween, and our plans were already set. BM told us she was coming in 4 days before she did, and she didnt even ask for Holloween.
GM lives here in our state. BM doesnt. GM calls and asks for SD and we always say yes unless there is something important going on. When ever we see her she makes some kind of comment. One time she came in my house and said "what happened" and pointed around the house at clutter. I said "I've been working long nights lately" and she looked at my husband and said "well what have you been doing?" Dont come in my house and judge me. Then when she came back with SD and the house had been cleaned she said "now thats better, thats what I remember"
I seriously am sick of biting my tounge with GM. We dont have to give her ANY time with SD. BM has visitation in the summer and in the summer only. We offered her Christmas which we alternate. GM asks for SD through out the year. I am seriously thinking of stopping that. If she cant keep herself from insulting us passive aggressivly every time we see her then we wont see her. We will let her see SD during BM's time only. I'm sick of dealing with rude. And she does a **** good job of hiding it too. She works little diggs into a normal conversation. Ugghhh
You have been allowing GM access and visitation to the child... that MUST continue. Sorry, but you don't like her, that's your issue. But that isn't your DSD's issue. She has every right to see her family/relatives, and you have created a status quo now that you are allowing the GM to spend time with the child. To take that away will only hurt the child, and possibly cause resentment later on.
Either suck up what the GM says, or talk to her about it.... or how about when she comes to pick up DSD you meet at a coffee shop, or something... somewhere neutral where she isn't at your house to make these comments?
People are going to say things, and honestly, sounds like she's "trying" to get under your skin. Be the bigger person and let it slide off your back... trust me your DSD will thank you in the end.
I know it's hard but quite honestly my own mom talks to me that way.
I agree witht the others. I know you are venting & it sure would be tempting but I don't think you should stop the visitation. You may want to talk to her but I don't it would do you any good. She probably would deny it and get upset. It may make things worse. Just ignore her. She won't get her kicks from it if you don't react & perhaps she'll stop.
My ex's mother is like that. It's always been her way or the highway. I have to pick or choose my battles with her. I have had to learn to just let things roll off my back. It's not worth getting stressed out about.
I'm exhausted reading what you wrote. Phew.... that was stressful for you.
Honestly, what Tiffany said is on the money. And then how Kris mentioned how mother's talk that way to us still (even though it's not what we appreciate), it's also true too.
I'm not saying you need to put up w/ verbal abuse but if you don't want her to say things about your home, don't let her in your home. This way, they can't make comments about the way your home is clean/not clean/disorganized, etc.
The one thing I have responded to the GM's b/c I feel that "if" they can do better, go for it! My kids, 2 little ones, 1 was just potty trained (he's special needs)... I finally got him trained...now I'm working on the last child along w/ other stuff. What ticked me off, seriously is the MOMENT I potty trained my little guy they said "time to get Teighan trained"... I finally responded "feel free to do it if you want or have nothing better to do w/ your time, seems like you have a lot of free time, I have 4 kids & lots on my plate, I'm doing the best I can, 1 thing at a time in our house!" they finally shut up. You have no idea, it's like nothing I do is enough. NOTHING! Everything I do, it's always followed by "well, what about this?" I feel like saying "shut the heck up!" most of the time I ignore them but the comments of potty training, honestly, they need to BACK OFF! Especially after what I have to go through w/ my own medical problems lately. As I told them all "feel free to jump in & help, you all seem to have a lot of time to talk about it, why not use that time to help instead of talking behind my back?" LOL! Sorry, but I know that's what they do... (sorry, that's a mini rant/high-jack) and example of how GM's are w/ people, they truly don't understand how ignorant they sound when they talk, or how rude they might come across.
Try to know that we all have those in-laws or GM's that have those comments to irritate the heck out of us! No matter what we do, it's not right. Just remember, it's not about YOU, it's them. They're too ignorant to understand how they're behaving. It's a shame it's making you feel like this. But I know why you would. I would too.
We all feel your pain in this. Don't deny the visits, the children would be hurt.
We never really would deny the visits, I was just pissed.
To clairify a few things, it doesnt matter where we meet her, she always has a comment, ever since the begining. I remember the first time she saw SD in leggins she said "why is she wearing those pants under a dress" SD was actually a little hurt on that one because she loved that new outfit and asked to wear it to GM's. The one time she picked her up and I said she was sick and gave her the medicine she said "shes not sick, its just a runny nose". When the doctor said that SD couldnt take baths because of some problems she was having, BM made it a point to bathe her even if she only had her one night. Then SD said she sat on the toilet and talked/watched her the whole time. She was seven. DH and I could only conclude that she was checking to be sure there was no bruses or abuse, because we had told her time and time again not to give her a bath and she insisted it was fine. Doctor said otherwise. So we stopped with overnights for a while until GM got the hint. Shoot I can think back to the first time I met her....she leaned over to the person next to her and said "wow, shes a shrimp" (BM's side is taller than I am). Its always been this way.
A little background though, where I guess seeing it from her point of view comes into play (not that I'm giving excuses)....BM never told GM she was switching custody until it was done. BM lived with GM and she told GM that she was going to move out and get her own place with SD. GM tried to talk sense into her saying that she would have too hard of a time with her job and all and no babysitter. (BM was moving a good hour away from GM) but BM just kept blowing it off and saying she had it all worked out and she woudl be fine. The week BM moved out is the week SD got on the plane to come live with us. SD never even said goodbye to GM and she didnt see her again for a year and a half. (we were living in Hawaii at the time, and GM took care of SD all day while BM was at work) BM said that she didnt want to deal with her mom so she decided to tell her after she was out from under her roof. From what BM told me...she broke it to her mom in a 10 page letter she put in the mail. Before BM gave up custody, GM did everything to interfear with custody. She reluctantly brought SD over on weekends and weekday overnights and make lots of comments about how SD doesnt like it with us/her other grandma. when we first moved to Hawaii DH and BM had an arrangement for visitation. SD wasnt school aged yet. Well the day that we fired up our computer the first time at our new home DH found and e-mail from BM saying that she wasnt ever going to send SD out to us visit, that GM told her that all she should give DH is whats in the court order, and because the court order was still set up for living a mile or so from eachother that ment never. Of course BM recanted a few months later and not only sent her to us but changed custody. So perhaps you can see the animosity that we are dealing with with GM. Its the same thing that BM was trying so desperatly to get away from. I have one e-mail from her in the begining (during the custoy change talks) where she says she felt like she wasnt rasing SD, and she certainly didn't want her mom to raise her. A few times in our house withing the past few years BM has said....well it was between you guys and my mom, and I wasnt choosing my mom. (which we always thought was strange anyway because why would her mom be in the running over the childs father, but whatever) anyway, I guess I'm talkative tonight LOL
This post is actually kinda old, and I'm not as upset as I was. Sometimes she just gets to me you know.