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Hi there, my husband and I have been married for since May '09. I have a son and he has a son and a daughter, he did have two daughters, however, the younger one died in December from Muscular Dystropy complications. His son who is 6 also has MD and is only expected to be around for a couple more years. His older daughter is 15 and is just wanting his attention. She is very manipulative. My son is 4 and only knows my husband as "Daddy." There is a lot of history with the 15 year old, she has repeatedly lied to and decieved us. Her mother (his ex) is the mother who wants to be her friend so she defends her and helps her in efforts.
The problem is that I do not trust my stepdaughter at all. I have no idea if what she is saying is ever true, if she is ever sincere, and if she has any genuine intentions. The only times she likes to come to our house is her birthday and holidays. When there are gifts involved.
We had her up and my stepson up to house on Saturday. It was the first time my stepson had been to the house and the first time she had been here since May. I was quiet with her and just listened when she spoke. I get mixed messages from my husband about how I should interact with her. I make small talk with her and respond to her when she approaches me. She sensed my distance from her as did my husband. This was completely unintentional.
Anyway, my husband took her to lunch yesterday and she asked him about why I was the way I was with her. When he came home he was irate. He told me that everyday he goes out of his way for my son and I can't take the time to explain to her what I was doing in the kitchen. I'm frustrated by this. I didn't know he wanted me to explain anything to her, I was in a hurry as we were having company and needed to get stuff on the stove.
I'm so pissed because he choose to assume the position of Daddy, I never once asked him to go out of his way for my son, but he chooses to. I admit I could have made more of an effort with my stepdaughter, but he didn't tell me she was coming up, didnt' discuss with me what he wanted to accomplish with her here. He just told me his son was coming up. I'm fine with the kids coming but am I wrong in feeling that he shouldn't have kept the fact she was also coming from me? Can someone please give me an objective look on all of this, because honestly, I think I am ready to quit and leave. He feels that strongly about "going out of his way" for my son, he doesn't talk about his kids unless I drag it out of him, and gets mad at me whenever I want to talk about our deceased daughter (I'm still grieving too). I am so resentful toward him right now. Thoughts anyone???
Wow, first of all take a deep breath and calm down. I wouldn't make any life-altering decisions while you and he are both angry. It sounds like he spoke out of anger and he doesn't "go out of his way" with your son, he just was trying to hurt you in the way that he felt hurt and his step-daughter felt hurt, kwim? Not saying it's right, just sounds like he was speaking with his anger and not with his heart.
And yes, he totally should have told you that his kids were coming, both of them. You have to be prepared for that, especially if his daughter is difficult to get along with, as most teen girls are. She sounds like she's trying to play on her father's emotions a little and he's allowed it and it's causing friction for you two.
I would sit down and talk with your DH after you both have had some time and space to put things in perspective. Tell him how your SD makes you feel and explain why you were distant, but also let him know that you're willing to work on your relationship with her. I would also explain to him how his comment about your son made you feel and that he should never do that to you again.
Good luck! Let us know how things turn out! ((hugs))
Some of your story sounds so familiar. My dh has a 16 year old daughter that I have no relationship with. She too is manipulative & her mother is nuts so encourages it to some extent.
2 years ago, I kicked her out of my house (dh moved in to my house with me). I haven't seen her since nor do I have any desire too. It's tough on dh though but his dd has made the choice.
He made the comment once during an argument about her - "I gave her up! What more do you want"
That sent me to the roof because I never asked him too. Actually when everything blew up, I told him that I would understand if he wanted a divorce & that I wouldn't fight it. He chose to stay. Later he said he didn't mean it but I don't think he really did most days anyway but it stick in my head - something that can't be taken back.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I do hope that your situation turns out better than mine.
ohh I so understand... I have a 12 yr old SD and she complains about me to DH, then it starts fights between us...
and I've definitely had that happen in the kitchen where she is just asking all types of questions, trying to help but I just need to get stuff done, dont have time to answer all the questions and get her involved. If she were my own child I would just say "hunny, I really need to get this done quickly, can you go do something else for a few minutes?" but since they are stepkids we just go silent, we dont talk or react as we normally would, I dont know what it is???
Personally I get so so bugged when he comes to me in anger about something that has happened, he should just try to understand how hard it is to be in a blended family, say something to his daughter like "well I'm sure she was just busy in the kitchen, its not personal, she loves you" kwim? take our side... even if we were kinda leaving them out, sometimes moms leave out their kids, sometimes moms need to run to target ALONE, sometimes moms need to read a book ALONE and sometimes we need to cook ALONE. Theres just this weird expectation that a stepmom should be going overboard to make the stepchild feel comfty... I think its stupid, we should just be loving to them but treat them in a normal way...
Keeping a united front is key with blended families. If step-kids are allowed to vent about step-parent and bio-parent sides with the kids, they learn that they have the power to cause conflicts and kids will do that. I think it's really important for the adults to agree from the outset to stand united and maintain that, throughout.
That's not to say that Neely always agrees with my actions or reactions to problems, but he never talks about it in front of the kids and never jumps on me or yells at me about it.