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As a mom, I too don't understand how a mom could let her child(ren) go without a fight. I just don't get it. It would kill me. To answer your questions:
How many of you guys parent your stepkids? We have custody of his kids. We have had them for about 1.5 years
Did the bio mom's have issues that caused them to lose the kids or did they just give up custody? we suspect drugs played a part, especially since she lost a LOT of weight just before they moved in with us, but it's just suspicion. She lost her house because she couldn't manage money well and had no where to go.
Is the bio mom in the childs life? yes, frequent phone calls. Visits about once a month even though she's entitled to every other weekend
How does the child deal with the situation? they are doing OK. We had some issues initally. I think early on, they thought they'd be back with their mom soon, but it just never happened. And now that the court order is in our favor, it's not gonna happen.
Do you get the impression that bio mom see's herself as good parent to child? I think she does, but no one else does.
Does your child have questions about the situation? not generally. we have always been pretty open and honest with them about things.
How do you handle those questions? honestly, but with kid gloves.
your situation is so much like mine, I will be interested to follow your posts
I have periods of time where BM and I have a friend relationship and we have some very deep conversations. I also have a BM that didn't raise me who I recently found and we have had the 'why werent you there' conversation. from the two of them I have decifered this - they know the child is taken care of. Why have a second child if your not taking care of your first? well, BM says - what reason woudl I have to try and fight for custody? shes happy and well taken care of. and I have to agree. Because do you know how pissed I would be if she tried to take SD back after not being aroudn for so long? absolutly furious. A relationship yes, thats thier right, but takign her back? Nope. and I think I have to give the SD's BM a little recognition for knowing that just because she wants to be in her life now she has no right to turn her world upside down. And just because she made this decision in the past, doesnt mean she doenst have the right to have a child with her new husband. That she cant be a good mom. Every day is a new day, and a chance to turn things around. My BM went on to give birth to 3 more children, and then adopt two more. She told me that when she adopted the two girls, who were her brothers children and exactly the same age and my sister and I were the last time she saw us, she felt like she HAD to get custody of them, she had to make up for what she didnt wrong with us - letting us go. She couldn't change the past, but she could help these little girls.
Both felt strongly that thier daughters were well taken care of, and they did not want to disrupt thier happiness by forcing thier way back in.
Also, SD's BM never actually wanted her. When she got pregnant she was upset about it. she told DH she wanted an abortion, he talked her out of it. She asked if they could put the child up for adoption, DH said no. then when they fought she said if they ever spilt up she wanted DH to take SD. her family influenced her to get custody in the divorce but she later gave it up when DH and I got married.
Heres the deal, that all may sound really bad...but actually, just like in your case, part of me has to give her credit for knowing she wasnt going to do a good job and letting someone else take over. Its definatly much better than having SD with her while she bounced around, and when she didnt feel like beeing a mom, but had to.
My hubby had his first at 16. The little one bounced back and forth from mom to dad (and grandma since Daddy still lived at home)... with mom coming back for him whenever it was convenient for her. After a stupid stunt on the mom's part, the judge declared that neither parent would have custody until they were 21, so grandma had legal custody. This helped my husband also, b/c he lived with him, but he was also able to finish high school and also college. When we met my husband was 20, and the little one only 4. We ended up moving in together (all 3 of us) and the day hubby turned 21, a trip to the court was made. We had to track down BM and eventually got custody. Hubby and I married 7 months later. Up to this point, BM would be around for 2-3 months then disappear for 6. When she found out we were getting married, she all of a sudden wanted him ALL the time. She fought to have him on our honeymoon, so we said OK. She then proceeded to call us OVER AND OVER during our honeymoon to come and get him. She just wanted to ruin our honeymoon. Since then, (almost 2 years ago) she has seen him maybe twice. She moved to Michigan and the only time my son gets to talk to her is when he's at grandma's. She will call BM so our son can talk to her. She doesn't answer my calls. But this is also rare. She is now wanting him for 2 weeks this summer... so we'll see. My hubby will be leaving for basic for 5 months. So I'm kind of freaking on how our son will deal with it. He has issues from his mom not being around (he is 6 and still pees on himself all the time... we believe the reason for this stems from mom issues... at least that's what the counselor says... )