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  #1  
November 22nd, 2010, 09:09 AM
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Last edited by loveneverfails; December 1st, 2010 at 11:09 AM.
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  #2  
November 22nd, 2010, 11:03 AM
Turtlesong's Avatar Veteran
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I've got joint custody with primary physical custody of my DS and my husband has full custody of DSD since she was a baby. Birth Mom doesn't have visitation but DH has always let her see DSD as much as she wants. Same with Birth Mom's mother as well. Bio Mom lived across the country till last year and would see DSD for maybe one overnight visit in a year. Her Mom has gotten her every few months for the last few years. DSD is 7 now. My ex sees my son about as much with me living 5 hours away as he did when we lived 20 min away so our situations are pretty different. We split when DS was 7.

I wouldn't worry about what your DSS calls anybody. Talk to your DH and try to get him to let that go. I understand that he's hurt by it but the important thing is not to hurt the child by putting him in a position where he feels like he has to choose between them. If you guys try to make the child not call him that when he always has, then it's like you're making him choose. It doesn't really matter that much in the long run. The relationship is what matters. He can call both Dad and still love both. My DSD asked me when we got married if she could call me Mom. I made sure she understood that Birth Mom was still Mom too and told her she could call me whatever she wants. She called me Mom about half the time and after a year and a half it's pretty much all the time. I can't remember the last time she called me Stacy. Now at her mom's house they have a problem. DSD calls her "Name" Mom from time to time because that's how she refers to her. It's how she differientiates between us to herself. I think they get upset about it and correct her. Bio Mom just moved to our area a few months after we got married and only sees her every few months so DSD sees me more.

I think you are right to wait till custody and visitation issues are arranged before visiting child support. The ex will probably be less amicable to changes if she realizes the $ is getting reduced. I don't believe there is anything you can do about the taxes based on custody time. However I do believe it is based on who provides the primary financial support for the child. I'm not sure. I think it may be time with child 1st and financial 2nd in case there is equal time between parents.

Good Luck

Last edited by Turtlesong; November 22nd, 2010 at 11:08 AM.
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  #3  
November 22nd, 2010, 12:26 PM
momma2011's Avatar Shannon
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I wouldn't worry about what SS calls the boyfriend. I know it hurts your Dh, it will kill me if I ever find out my daughter is calling someone else mommy, but it doesn't really change anything. SS isn't confused, he knows who his real daddy is. My fiancee and his daughter's mother split up when my future stepdaughter was less than a year old. She's been calling someone else daddy since she was two. She's never been confused about it though. She's eleven now and still thinks her "real" Daddy hung the moon. The way she distinguishes them is kind of subtle, but as the child of divorce who did something similar I understand it. She always refers to her other dad, as "my other daddy" or she will talk about "mommy and daddy". When she's talking about my fiancee she refers to him as "my daddy". In person none of that matters, she just addresses whichever one she's talking to as daddy. If she calls for Daddy when we're all together she's usually talking about her "real" dad. It can be confusing to outsiders but I guarantee you it isn't confusing to either of her dads and more importantly it isn't confusing to her.
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  #4  
November 22nd, 2010, 04:37 PM
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hey! i juat wanted to let you know i read this..... i dont have much experience in this. but i also wouldnt worry about what SS calls anyone he knows who is who.... im sorry you all are going through this! also sad SS is
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  #5  
November 22nd, 2010, 05:02 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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We have full legal custody of his boys and she has liberal visitation, but doesn't exercise it. As far as the "daddy" issue is concerned, I wouldn't push it. It could end up hurting your SS in the long run. Kids like to please their parents, especially their mom so to tell him he can't do something that his mom tells him he can and should do, will make him feel like no matter what he does, he's being disloyal to someone, kwim?

Neely was estranged from his kids for about 18 months when I first met him. He erroneously thought that whoever had primary custody of the kids called the shots on visitation and she refused to allow him to see the kids and he just didn't argue it and didn't realize he had options. I quickly fixed that when we started getting serious and after a 2 year court battle that ended up with her being held in contempt of court, we got regular visits. Then ended up getting custody, but that's another story. Anyway, because they were so young when he was estranged from them, they ended up calling their mom's boyfriend "daddy". He later became their step-father, but they were calling him "daddy" long before that. When we first starting getting visitation with them, they called Neely by his first name. Neely put up with it for a while because their mom had them convinced that he was not their real dad. We got copies of their birth certificate and one weekend, we pulled them out and showed them that Neely was in fact that real dad and Jay was their step-dad. Then Neely demanded that the boys call him dad. Still he never asked them not to call their step-dad, dad. When their mom and their step-dad separated, they eventually stopped calling him dad

Now that they live here they don't call me mom, but they do refer to me as their mom when they talk about me to others. They call me Rachel and I'm OK with whatever they choose to call me, whether it's "mom" or "Rachel".
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  #6  
November 22nd, 2010, 07:10 PM
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Last edited by loveneverfails; December 1st, 2010 at 11:10 AM.
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  #7  
November 22nd, 2010, 08:40 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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BM sounds a lot like the loony we're dealing with. At least she's got someone there willing to talk so sense into her. I wish we had that on our end, but every time she gets into a relationship with someone, they figure out what she's really all about within 6 months and kick her to the curb. She's always got new friends and new men in her life because of this.
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  #8  
November 23rd, 2010, 04:46 AM
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Last edited by loveneverfails; December 1st, 2010 at 11:10 AM.
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  #9  
November 23rd, 2010, 09:34 PM
AndreaRenee's Avatar raising boys...
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man what a mess...

I can see why your hub would be upset that his son is calling some guy "daddy"... he's NOT his daddy...

I will tell you that my mom married a man when I was 4 and he told me to call him daddy... and my dad was very involved in my life... I called him that out of fear but resented it and it never meant anything to me. They divorced when I was 8 and I never spoke to him again. So your SS using the word "daddy" might not have the meaning you feel it does.

I can share that my step daughter was 8 when her dad & I got engaged... she immediately wanted to start calling me mom, which was fine by me... her mom on the other hand said absolutely no way... she forbid it. I still to this day am offended by that... my SD wanting to call me mom was an example of how she felt towards me, she felt comfortable calling me that and wanted a more blended feeling between us... ever since her mom forbid it, things have been strained between SD and I ... like she finally realized that her mom is threatened by me and therefore she cant be close to me or shes abandoning her mom.. sucks all the way around.
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  #10  
November 24th, 2010, 05:30 AM
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Last edited by loveneverfails; December 1st, 2010 at 11:11 AM.
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  #11  
November 24th, 2010, 07:28 AM
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No advise right now, I'm sorry but I did want to say welcome.
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  #12  
November 24th, 2010, 11:55 AM
AndreaRenee's Avatar raising boys...
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my SD has also lied like that... she is NEVER to blame for things gone wrong... its awful.
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  #13  
November 24th, 2010, 03:43 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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My oldest step son is never to blame for his own behavior either and he'd rather lie than tell the truth. Lying is completely normal behavior for a child. Some just don't know how to stop.
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  #14  
November 28th, 2010, 11:30 AM
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I didnt read anyone elses responses, so forgive me If I repeat someones elses opinion, and just take it as someone else who feels the same way.

My sister is a foster mother and she says that even foster kids tipically call thier foster parents mom and dad. My SD calls me mama. how does BM feel about it? To be honest with you I dont really care. She has made a few comments throught out the years that it bothers her a little but thats not my concern. the child lives with this man, he is with him everyday, and night with the exception of everyother weekend and one night a week. He took on the responsibility all that time that your DH thought it was 'too difficult' to take care of his child alone without a girlfriend to help him. (I'm military too hun, its not that serious) If the child has chosen to call his stepdad dad, then thats his choice and your hubby needs to accept that as the nature of the beast. One day the child might decide to call you some version of mom if you are signifigant to his life like a mother, and I highly doubt you will correct him, in fact you will probably be flattered that he thinks of you that way.

For the rest of it, congrats to your hubby for realizing what is important in life and moving from 3 hours away to 20 minutes away and fighting for visitation rights! That is just wonderful. and who cares if the BM thinks it was your influence, it probably was, whats wrong with that? Everyday is a bran new day, and a chance to turn things around. Before you, he was not thinking family, now he is. Maybe he wasnt there before but he is now and as long as the child doesn't hold it against him, the BM has no right to either.
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  #15  
November 28th, 2010, 12:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by schoolyearmama View Post
the child lives with this man, he is with him everyday, and night with the exception of everyother weekend and one night a week. He took on the responsibility all that time that your DH thought it was 'too difficult' to take care of his child alone without a girlfriend to help him.
I think this is a bit harsh for someone who only knows the story by what has been written here. You are new to this board so I'll just explain to you that we are here to support not judge others. Especially when we don't have all of the story. You have NO idea what her dh was thinking/feeling or experiencing. You have no right to make these kinds of comments.
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Last edited by My2miracles; November 29th, 2010 at 11:41 AM.
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  #16  
November 28th, 2010, 12:41 PM
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I'm repeating what she said, and I am offering support. She clearly stated that "About six months after we started dated I started helping out more with SS so he could have longer visits with him." and that the reason he didnt have longer vists before that was becasue his family lived so far away. Thats what she told us. Based on the information that she gave us...the DH increased his time with his son 6 months into thier relationship. I also said there is nothing wrong with that, every day is a new day. But he cant get upset that the stepfather is called daddy, because the stepfather is there with him everyday, and she says hes not that bad and it was BM all along. Is this or is this not a forum for stepparents? should we only support the stepparents that are logged on? I support loveneverfails and her husband, but I dont discredit any stepparent that has taken the role full time either. It may hurt the bio-father that his child calls anouther man daddy too, but thats the nature of the beast in a blended family. kwim?
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  #17  
November 28th, 2010, 03:53 PM
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Last edited by loveneverfails; December 1st, 2010 at 11:11 AM.
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  #18  
November 29th, 2010, 06:24 AM
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Katie is your husband in the Navy? And is he reserves? Thats kinda what I'm gathering here with the duty weekend and the ship being late. Unless your talking about some kind of sentry duty? It definatly sucks if BM was witholding visitation because he couldnt get there fast enough from work. I don't belive in children being forced to call anyone anything. If your SS was told that he had to call his stepdad Dad, thats not right. It hits a cord with me when people say they dont think its right that stepkids call thier stepparents mom or dad. I've had three stepmothers in my life, and three stepfathers, (sort of, I catagorize my aunt who raised me from 3-17 as a stepmother). and I think children should have the right to choose.
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  #19  
November 29th, 2010, 07:57 AM
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Last edited by loveneverfails; December 1st, 2010 at 11:12 AM.
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  #20  
November 29th, 2010, 09:54 AM
ToonTownGirl's Avatar Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by schoolyearmama View Post
I think children should have the right to choose.
I agree with this, and I don't.... I would NEVER want my step kids to call me Mom. They both have moms. Are they good ones? Nope, sure aren't, but they will always have ONE MOM, AND ONE DAD... end of discussion.

Children may have a choice, but when they have one or the other parent TELLING them, this is the way it's going to be.... are they really going to fight back? Knowing it will make that parent upset, mad, and possibly violent? Doubtful... yes they have a choice, it's a matter of being "allowed" to use it, is a whole other ball game

I hate labels too... because I'm not the "evil step mom"... I have heard it from my DSS that's what his monster refers to me as. So I asked him, do you refer to me as your step mom or as your dad's fiance? He said step mom, but that's cause that's what you are. And I told him, he doesn't have to refer to me as that... I'm just Tiffany... and that I hate labels and would never force him to use them.

Kids stuck in the middle of these, IMHO, STUPID situations, drives me crazy. And 9 times out of 10 it's vindictive women that are trying to get the real fathers out of the picture... and it's usually the fathers that are fighting to be in their lives that you hear about this....and as a woman, this disgusts me...

Just my 2 cents
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