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the ex is bugging me


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  #1  
November 23rd, 2010, 10:11 AM
AndreaRenee's Avatar raising boys...
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we give her a hefty amount of child support (you would be shocked if I told you the amount) and my SD doesnt have what she needs and I'm sick of her putting her needs off onto us... of course we take care of her needs when she's with us to a normal degree but considering the amount of child support we give, we expect her to be the person in charge of shoes, clothes etc..

examples-
in june her toes were poking through her shoes, she was complaining so I went out and bought her shoes ($45)

when school started in Sept, I was curious to see if her mom would be buying her a new pair of school shoes... a month into school she bought her a $10 pair of shoes from target...

she's always asking to borrow my uggs because hers dont fit and now one of my pairs has gone missing.

she's always borrowing my sandals because she doesnt have any, I asked for them back and my SD got upset and then said "I'll just borrow my moms I guess", why doesnt she have her own sandals!?!?! (fyi, our weather is warm enough for sandals all year round)

when school started, WE had to buy her school supplies because the mom had not done it and school was the next day!

she started her dance class 4 weeks ago and just got the proper shoes (and the ex sent my hub several texts asking for HIM to buy them but he didnt out of principal)

she has to run 3 miles 3 days a week in PE and was running in vans, instead of proper athletic shoes, so I went ahead and gave her a pair of MY athletic shoes to wear, her mom STILL has not bought her a pair... I wasnt GIVING them to her, I was letting her borrow them until she could buy her a pair

her choir skirt needs to be hemmed but her mom made her roll it up because she didnt want to pay $25 at the tailor...

I try to talk to my dh about all this, he's starting to get a little upset but he should be FAR more upset... he's just so afraid to rock the boat with her, it sucks! I told him to deduct the stuff from the support and include a receipt... simple... to top it off, the ex quit her job, has been traveling and signing up for expensive personal training..

anyone else encounter this type of stuff?
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  #2  
November 23rd, 2010, 11:53 AM
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  #3  
November 23rd, 2010, 12:52 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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Well, child support is not meant to be the total support for the child. It's meant to provide the basis necessities. Anything above and beyond the basics is extra and should be split evenly between the parents.

I think you and DH should have a sit down conversation with the ex (if that's possible) and decided who is going to buy what and what the other will/can do if the parent responsible for said items doesn't purchase it (like take it out/add it to child support). Extra curricular activities like choir and dance aren't meant to be paid for out of child support, so if the parents want their child to be involved in those activities, they should expect to have to fork over some of the funds needed to afford her the opportunity.

I know it's rough when you have to write a check each month for a lot of money. I've been on both sides, too, having been the recipient of child support (both my kids are adults now) and with a man who had to pay child support (they live here full time now, so he doesn't pay any longer).
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  #4  
November 23rd, 2010, 01:21 PM
Arachne
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I do agree with Rachel... also, is there maybe a reason why she's buying $10 Target shoes? I know for us, we typically buy $10-$15 dollar Target/Walmart shoes, because my husband's kids outgrow shoes VERY fast, AND whether they're $10 shoes, or $50 dollar shoes, they're trashed within a month.
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  #5  
November 23rd, 2010, 03:06 PM
Ponyo22's Avatar Lindsay
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Location: Denver, CO
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Totally feel your pain.

We have a 50/50 split with the ex and the kids are supposed to have everything they need at both houses. Only travel with school books and the clothes on their backs. But they always end up leaving here at the end of the week loaded with bags of clothes, school supplies, toys, you name it. And guess what? Very little stuff with them when they come back. That was put to a stop a few months ago when we asked them to show us what they were taking over there. It was sad- SS packed toothpaste because they didn't have any there. She owes us several hundred dollars for her half of the extras. We're not holding our breath.
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  #6  
November 23rd, 2010, 03:30 PM
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i understand your feelings.. Its so frustrating..i know exactly what your saying. DD's dad does not do anything. and he never buys anything for her. He pays child support but we do way more for her. And my BF isnt even her dad..

id say he does about 20% of what we do.... =\> sometimes its better to think...its for the child not the other parent. B.c your hurting the kid more. The other parent prolly doesnt really care..... sadly!
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  #7  
November 23rd, 2010, 10:01 PM
AndreaRenee's Avatar raising boys...
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see its weird b/c the ex isnt a bad person at all, she provides for her daughter... this is a very new problem. I personally think she had been planning to quit her job for a while and live off the $ we give her, now that its a reality, she's being really stingy with how she spends the support... which I totally understand, however seeing her house newly redecorated/painted, knowing she's signed up for $500 bootcamp training, she's always got new expensive clothing, shoes & purses, traveling... and yet her daughter isnt getting what she needs beyond the basics? thats whats upsetting... if a childs shoes are falling apart, they should NOT have to wait a month for shoes... period! gosh I really hope she wakes up..
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  #8  
November 24th, 2010, 08:11 AM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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I get your frustration. I used to get so angry with DSD BM. She would always be wearing the most expensive name brand clothing with her hair done and nails taken care of, latest car for the year, etc. Meanwhile my poor DSD would be in thrift store clothing, shoes with holes, coats that never kept her warm...you get the idea. Now she's going to be 12 and my DSD has noticed the difference in their dressing styles so her mother is forced to take her shopping for good clothing and shoes.
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  #9  
November 24th, 2010, 08:20 AM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel View Post
Well, child support is not meant to be the total support for the child. It's meant to provide the basis necessities. Anything above and beyond the basics is extra and should be split evenly between the parents.

I think you and DH should have a sit down conversation with the ex (if that's possible) and decided who is going to buy what and what the other will/can do if the parent responsible for said items doesn't purchase it (like take it out/add it to child support). Extra curricular activities like choir and dance aren't meant to be paid for out of child support, so if the parents want their child to be involved in those activities, they should expect to have to fork over some of the funds needed to afford her the opportunity.

I know it's rough when you have to write a check each month for a lot of money. I've been on both sides, too, having been the recipient of child support (both my kids are adults now) and with a man who had to pay child support (they live here full time now, so he doesn't pay any longer).
I have to disagree with the bolded. If both the parents agree to it, then yes, but if one parent decides that the child is going to go into an extracurricular activity that actually interferes with visitation, then the other parent shouldn't be forced to pay for half. Right now our visits are cut down to once a month if even because of DSD's extracurricular activity. So he will not pay for half of it. It's not fair to him to pay for half of her swim team things when that causes him to barely see his child.
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  #10  
November 24th, 2010, 01:48 PM
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How you split cost is usually defined in the parenting agreement in the divorce decree. Although what Rachel has listed is fairly standard it is not a given for everyone. It depends on what has been agreed to.

Also, there are different circumstances. In our case, Dh's ex moved to a VERY low cost of living area where we live in one of the highest cost of living areas in the country. Now the amount of child support we pay would not be even close to enough to survive on if they lived here. But where they live, their family if 4 (ex, her dh & 2 kids) live comfortable on the child support dh pays.

While we struggle to make ends meet & keep a roof over our heads, dh's ex is traveling several times a year & often out of the country for pleasure - without his dds. I the 6 years together, we have NEVER taken a vacation - not even a honeymoon when we got married. Not even 1 night in a hotel.

Dh's ex gets her nails done $100/month, etc. While the girls where clothes that don't fit, are old and ugly. We are embarassed when they come to visit if we go out. It looks like "these are the kids we like" and "these are the kids we don't like" Now mind you my kids don't get expensive clothes - just ones that a clean, updated styles and fit them.

So I do understand your frustration.
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  #11  
November 24th, 2010, 04:47 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
I have to disagree with the bolded. If both the parents agree to it, then yes, but if one parent decides that the child is going to go into an extracurricular activity that actually interferes with visitation, then the other parent shouldn't be forced to pay for half. Right now our visits are cut down to once a month if even because of DSD's extracurricular activity. So he will not pay for half of it. It's not fair to him to pay for half of her swim team things when that causes him to barely see his child.
I agree with you, which is why I said "if the parents ..." It would totally be unfair to expect the non-custodial parent to pay for half of an activity that he/she did not want the child to participate, and especially if the activity cut visits short. That really sucks.
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  #12  
November 28th, 2010, 12:09 PM
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AndreaRenee,

I feel sorry for you and your SD. You sound mature and genuine, and Usually when you hear a stepmom complaining about the child not having what they need it has something to do with what is packed for them to come visit. But your complaints are clearly a pattern that affect her at school and BM's home as well. And I feel bad for your SD that this child came to your home with holes in her shoes.

I prefer SD to dress nicer than what would be considered the norm for most 9 year olds, but thats just my parenting. But even though she rocks shirts from name brand stores like Justice, she gets her jeans and shoes from walmart or target. She just grows out of them too fast. I am not willing to spend $45 on shoes like you did for your SD, and my SD lives with me full time. She wanted Converse shoes, and I showed her the difference in price from real chucks to the look a-likes at walmart that are $10. When she wanted winter boots and she wanted the ones they had a Jusitice I showed her the price there ($130), and the price of Uggs (similar price) and then went to TJ Max and showed her the same Ugg look-a-likes for $20.

Does your DH and you have a choice in what extra-curricular activiites she is in? Does the BM call your DH and say "hey I wanted to put SD in dance classes this year" and your DH would have the chance to say "that sounds like fun, how about you pay for the classes and I pay for the supplies, like shoes and leotards. hows that sound?"

unfortunatly, heres me being a bad mom again LOL, I dont have special shoes for SD9 for running. on the days she has gym, if shes wearing funky shoes or boots, she puts non-marking sole shoes in her backpack. Most of the time they are the chuck look-a-likes. Its not like shes on track ya know. If she was, well then she would have properly measured running shoes. (being in the army for the last 7 years, trust me I know that if you dont have your shoes measured correctly at the store for your size and arch you might as well be wearing cheap shoes because they are doing you no good. and properly measured shoes are $50-$60 dollars)

did you have the child the day before the first day of school? I would definatly avoid doing that again. that sucks!!

I have never paid for a tailor LOL, me being a bad mom again. I usually use pins or sew it myself. God knows I'm not all that great at sewing LOL but I try Ha ha.

Anyway, point is, thats how her mother is. thats who shes gonna be. It sucks, yeah, I say do something about the things you can, understand that shes not the mother you are, and try not to let yourself get put in situations where she has left you with a bill. (you should read my post about the dinner (Dinner Protocol) <-- third post down [sigh])

Last edited by schoolyearmama; November 28th, 2010 at 12:12 PM.
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  #13  
December 11th, 2010, 10:00 AM
Happy Mommy
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Again I'm new so I don't know all the histroy, but I think it would depend how your order is written.

child support is to reimburse the custodial parent for funds they had already spent on the child, for basic care. it's also not meant to cover the full needs of the child (unless the order is written that way). I'd say that if the child needs something EITHER parent shouldn't balk at having to buy it. again if its a NEED. now if it is a want (ie uggs, that's a want in my world because there are far cheaper boots to be bought) then that's up to the parents to decide together who will pay for it.


Hopefully your DH and his ex can sit down and talk about things, and come to an agreement. good luck!
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