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  #1  
November 23rd, 2010, 01:26 PM
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So i love the fact that hollyanns dad is only having her TWO DAYS yes... TWO DAYS this WHOLE month.... and guess what! I get to drive her to HIS PARENTS! 1 1/2 hours away! WOW and im horrible! And he wont take her ONE day in dec! AMAZING! im glad his winning the worse father award for life!...


It sickens me that MY bf is more of a father to her then her own freaking dad! very sad... look who steps up and not even his kid!

I am very greatful.... for my BF he is just amazing... but he shouldn't have to do all this... ughhh...

I wish her bio dad will just drop out..he doesnt wanna be there..

Once we are married im changing her name.
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  #2  
November 23rd, 2010, 01:45 PM
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that sucks. why doesnt he want to see her more?
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  #3  
November 23rd, 2010, 02:21 PM
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Oh boy! This is the interesting one... He gives me many stories....

One was he works 12 hour days all the time... Im like 365 days a year?? alright!

The latest one he has gave me is because he is working on saving to buy a shop ( he works on cars) in the next two years he wants to open one up. So thats why he CANT see his daughter now...

I dont believe him.. He has lied over and over. One time he didnt take his kid because getting drunk was more important to him. He has lied to his own parents that he sees her all the time.. which is not true.. And for the holidays he just flat out told me he can't see her..ect.....

But i tried and TRIED to get him to take her more ect... but nothing works. So i give up. Me and my BF are sick of it.. My bf is sick of seeing me upset by this. And we decided once we are married . We are changing her last name to ours. So we are a complete family with all the same name. And im not dealing with her BIO dad. Unless my daughter asks to see him or wants to then she can. But im done. Im not putting anymore effort in getting him to see her. If he doesn't want to be a dad he doesn't need too. . My BF is pretty much her dad and he takes care of her. NOT her BIO dad. So we will be fine.
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  #4  
November 23rd, 2010, 03:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetiez View Post
It sickens me that MY bf is more of a father to her then her own freaking dad! very sad... look who steps up and not even his kid!
Why does it sicken you? You should be so happy that he loves you enough to love and care for your daughter. I know it sucks that her dad is not a bigger part of her life, but honestly, it's his loss. He's going to wake up one day and not know her and be kicking himself.

It is sad, but you can't control him and you allow him to control you when you get upset about his lack of involvement. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. It sucks, but in the long run your daughter will figure out who was there for her, kwim?

Just be happy that you have all that time with your daughter and don't have to share her. ♥

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetiez View Post
And we decided once we are married . We are changing her last name to ours. So we are a complete family with all the same name. And im not dealing with her BIO dad. Unless my daughter asks to see him or wants to then she can. But im done. Im not putting anymore effort in getting him to see her. If he doesn't want to be a dad he doesn't need too. . My BF is pretty much her dad and he takes care of her. NOT her BIO dad. So we will be fine.
Do you have a current court order that allows him visitation? If you just deny him unless she asks, you could subject yourself to being in contempt of court. I would definitely stop trying to force his hand to visit with her, but if he has court ordered visitation with her, you can't just stop it without seeking a new order from the courts. As for changing her last name, I think he would need to consent to that or have his parental rights terminated. I guess that depends on where you live, though.
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  #5  
November 23rd, 2010, 05:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel View Post
Do you have a current court order that allows him visitation? If you just deny him unless she asks, you could subject yourself to being in contempt of court. I would definitely stop trying to force his hand to visit with her, but if he has court ordered visitation with her, you can't just stop it without seeking a new order from the courts. As for changing her last name, I think he would need to consent to that or have his parental rights terminated. I guess that depends on where you live, though.
I have to agree 110% with Rachel on this. You can't just stop visitations. And as for the whole name change thing... this hits extremely close to home for me. My DSS's "monster" has tried on numerous occassions to change DSS's last name. Which she can't do. She has tried making the claim that DF isn't involved, and she doesn't know where he is... blah, blah, blah.

I'm not trying to rag on you or anything, but there are steps to go through in order for stuff to do this. So it could very well be that her last name won't be able to be changed. Is your BF going to be ok with that? Are you going to be ok with it?

And like Rachel said, I would be so happy that your BF is stepping in as a "father figure". That will go to show you that he is accepting of your child, and that he is willing to help. Feeling sickened by it, confuses me a lot. I guess everyone deals differently, but that's for surely not how I would feel.

If her dad doesn't make the effort to see her, well then I guess that's his call to make, not yours. I know it ticks you off that you have to drive there, and drive back for 2 days, but those 2 days mean nothing to you, but it means the world to your child. And someday she will remember the times you took her to her dad.

And one more thing (and then I promise I will be done), until your child's father is completely gone from the picture.... like years down the road, please don't have your child call your BF "dad". This is something that I have stressed with both of my step kids... you have ONE Mom, and ONE Dad. I mean you will do what you want, but IMHO it's just not cool, or right to do that.

Best of luck in your journey and I hope that everything works out for your child.
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  #6  
November 23rd, 2010, 08:05 PM
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Sorry if this may sound harsh, but it is tough love and reality.

I have to agree with the other ladies. You should be very happy that there was a man willing to step up and take on another man's responsibility. If her bio dad doesn't want to see her, then that is his loss. In some states, if he goes a year without any contact with her and no support paid, then you can petition to have his rights terminated, but without those things, there really isn't diddly you can do. As for changing her last name, you have to also petition the courts for that.

I know all about this stuff because DS1's father is a poor excuse for a father and my son knows it. Over the last few years, DS1 has continually asked me how to get his father's name off of his name, how can he go about not seeing his father anymore, why he has to go to his father's etc. We have talked to my attorney about it several times, and really, there is nothing that we can do legally without his father signing his rights over, which he refuses to do. The difference between my example with DS1 and your post is that you are the one wanting his rights to go away, as where with mine, it is DS1 asking for it.

If you take visitation away from him without amending the court order, then you can and will be held in contempt. In Ohio, the first offense is not more than $250 and some jail time, the second offense is not more than $500 and some jail time and the third offense is not more than $750 and up to 30 days in jail. You also run the risk of losing custody of your daughter altogether. I don't know how your state would handle this, but I would assume some states are similar. Do you think it is really worth it to risk going to jail? If you did, where would your daughter go? Right to her father, cause that's how it works.

If I were you, I would just let him continually mess up, and don't say a word about it to him. Just document everything and go from there. Do it the legal way, but keep in mind, one day she may ask you who/where her father is and if you talk bad about him to or around her, you're going to alienate her from you.

I wish you the best with your situation, and hope that everyone thinks about what is in the best interest of the child.
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  #7  
November 23rd, 2010, 09:21 PM
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I think she's just really disappointed at the lack of involvement from the bio daddy... which is causing her to be reactionary and upset.

If there is a court order for visitation, now is the time to enforce it... if he's refusing his visitation then perhaps you can go back to court and change the arrangements to exclude him if thats what bio daddy wants... then you can make it official.

Amber, I think you should back off a little trying to force him to be a daddy... Men are different, they focus their energy on providing (well most of them haha) so perhaps he doesnt want to take his eye off his prize, opening his own shop... perhaps he sees it that if he can get that going, he can be more stable and therefore be a better daddy to his little one... is there any chance you can have a serious heart to heart with him, approach him with compassion and see whats driving him away from his child...
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  #8  
November 24th, 2010, 02:12 AM
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Sorry no name change without his permission. BTDT

Also, what Mommyto3plus1 says is true. There is a process that you can go through if you want to terminate his parental rights and have your df adopt her. But it is a process and he will have to be served papers and have a time frame where he can contest.

Also, depending on the states there may be other requirements. In Illinois, Dh HAD to adopt Lucy. We just couldn't terminate her bio father's rights and leave it at that. The courts wanted her to have a dad. Also, dh & I HAD to be married for 2 years for him to qualify. I'm sure there are exceptions if there are extenuating circumstances like abuse or prison but that wasn't applicable in my case nor does it seem to be in yours.

Another thing, you can't just have her use another name either - at least not where we live. In the school system, they have to use the name that's on the child's birth certificate. We know all about this because Lucy started school 2 months before her adoptions was final. I had to jump thru a ton of hoops to ensure that they used her future legal name in the classroom but I had to give them the court order that an adoption was in process and in their computer system and on all records, they had to show her old name.
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  #9  
November 24th, 2010, 05:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel View Post
Why does it sicken you? You should be so happy that he loves you enough to love and care for your daughter. I know it sucks that her dad is not a bigger part of her life, but honestly, it's his loss. He's going to wake up one day and not know her and be kicking himself.

It is sad, but you can't control him and you allow him to control you when you get upset about his lack of involvement. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. It sucks, but in the long run your daughter will figure out who was there for her, kwim?

Just be happy that you have all that time with your daughter and don't have to share her. ♥



Do you have a current court order that allows him visitation? If you just deny him unless she asks, you could subject yourself to being in contempt of court. I would definitely stop trying to force his hand to visit with her, but if he has court ordered visitation with her, you can't just stop it without seeking a new order from the courts. As for changing her last name, I think he would need to consent to that or have his parental rights terminated. I guess that depends on where you live, though.
rachel- Thanks for your insights! . I just disappointed that my daughter cant rely on her own birth father. I just cant even imagine how hurt she will be later on. And also i dont want her have a bad image on guys because of her dad. Not knowning my dad hurt. But you know..your right she will know who takes care of her ect... And im hoping she will see that within me and kevin. That you can have a good healthy relationship...

As some history ...as a kid...i didnt know my dad and all the guys i ever knew came and went.. from my mom. So, growing up i thought guys were suppose to treat you crappy. Well i followed that pattern. And DD dad was the same. He still is he is highly controlling. and he abused me big time.
Thankfully i have amazing friends and they got me out of that. And i got help. And now im not the same person. I know what a healthy relationship is and grateful for my BF!

So im just worried my daughter will follow that and also let guys do anything to her. So, but im hoping im doing everything right.

As far as custody goes. Her father has ZERO rights to her. Not even Visitation rights. So i can do pretty much decide what i want to do. The only right he has is to pay child support. And in all honesty he prolly is glad for that... So im thinking i can change her name...not positive but we will see. Honestly if i asked he prolly sign over his little rights he has. Which is child support. He is not in her life much only if he has too.

But that being said thanks for the info
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  #10  
November 24th, 2010, 05:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ToonTownGirl View Post
I have to agree 110% with Rachel on this. You can't just stop visitations. And as for the whole name change thing... this hits extremely close to home for me. My DSS's "monster" has tried on numerous occassions to change DSS's last name. Which she can't do. She has tried making the claim that DF isn't involved, and she doesn't know where he is... blah, blah, blah.

I'm not trying to rag on you or anything, but there are steps to go through in order for stuff to do this. So it could very well be that her last name won't be able to be changed. Is your BF going to be ok with that? Are you going to be ok with it?

And like Rachel said, I would be so happy that your BF is stepping in as a "father figure". That will go to show you that he is accepting of your child, and that he is willing to help. Feeling sickened by it, confuses me a lot. I guess everyone deals differently, but that's for surely not how I would feel.

If her dad doesn't make the effort to see her, well then I guess that's his call to make, not yours. I know it ticks you off that you have to drive there, and drive back for 2 days, but those 2 days mean nothing to you, but it means the world to your child. And someday she will remember the times you took her to her dad.

And one more thing (and then I promise I will be done), until your child's father is completely gone from the picture.... like years down the road, please don't have your child call your BF "dad". This is something that I have stressed with both of my step kids... you have ONE Mom, and ONE Dad. I mean you will do what you want, but IMHO it's just not cool, or right to do that.

Best of luck in your journey and I hope that everything works out for your child.
Hey!
I understand your concerns. My BF is fine with changing her name. Although im not 100% positive about it as of yet.

Her dad told me he doesn't give a sh*t about her. He told me that. i also have a journal of all he says. It isnt the first time he has said it either

Why it sickins me that my BF steps up is because he does stuff he doesnt need to. But he does and i am so lucky for him... Although it should be her dad taking care of her. But he doesnt at all. Sure we get child support. But that is nothing next to what we spend on her.

I more so feel bad for my daughter. i went through something similar and i didnt want her to go through that also. But she is and i feel the need to protect my princess. He has broke promises to her and it breaks her little heart. Always disapointment . Which i know later in ife she will see this..
Honestly , he will prolly fade away eventually. He has little by little. My daughter doesnt deserve this from him. Im so sick of him hurting my princess. He wont even take her for holidays or get or do anything with her on her birthday.. He has NEVER called and asked how she is.. or that he misses her. And when she wants to call him i let her. But he will never call back or answer.

There has been alot of things he has done to her already. My 4.5 year old has came up to me and asked why her daddy doesnt like her and why wont he play with me ?
Its so sad..im just sick of seeing her hurt.
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  #11  
November 24th, 2010, 05:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyto3plus1 View Post
Sorry if this may sound harsh, but it is tough love and reality.

I have to agree with the other ladies. You should be very happy that there was a man willing to step up and take on another man's responsibility. If her bio dad doesn't want to see her, then that is his loss. In some states, if he goes a year without any contact with her and no support paid, then you can petition to have his rights terminated, but without those things, there really isn't diddly you can do. As for changing her last name, you have to also petition the courts for that.

I know all about this stuff because DS1's father is a poor excuse for a father and my son knows it. Over the last few years, DS1 has continually asked me how to get his father's name off of his name, how can he go about not seeing his father anymore, why he has to go to his father's etc. We have talked to my attorney about it several times, and really, there is nothing that we can do legally without his father signing his rights over, which he refuses to do. The difference between my example with DS1 and your post is that you are the one wanting his rights to go away, as where with mine, it is DS1 asking for it.

If you take visitation away from him without amending the court order, then you can and will be held in contempt. In Ohio, the first offense is not more than $250 and some jail time, the second offense is not more than $500 and some jail time and the third offense is not more than $750 and up to 30 days in jail. You also run the risk of losing custody of your daughter altogether. I don't know how your state would handle this, but I would assume some states are similar. Do you think it is really worth it to risk going to jail? If you did, where would your daughter go? Right to her father, cause that's how it works.

If I were you, I would just let him continually mess up, and don't say a word about it to him. Just document everything and go from there. Do it the legal way, but keep in mind, one day she may ask you who/where her father is and if you talk bad about him to or around her, you're going to alienate her from you.

I wish you the best with your situation, and hope that everyone thinks about what is in the best interest of the child.

Hi thanks for the post. Her father doesn't have rights to her. I am just nice and let him see her whenever he wants. But im sick of him hurting her . His only right is to pay child support. He does what ever he can to hurt us. He doesnt care. And he will do anything to have some sort of control over me and his daughter in some way . He has a domestic order againist him.

But i tried and tried and im just sick of trying. And if he doesnt want anything to do with us. Then i rather him just leave us alone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
Sorry no name change without his permission. BTDT

Also, what Mommyto3plus1 says is true. There is a process that you can go through if you want to terminate his parental rights and have your df adopt her. But it is a process and he will have to be served papers and have a time frame where he can contest.

Also, depending on the states there may be other requirements. In Illinois, Dh HAD to adopt Lucy. We just couldn't terminate her bio father's rights and leave it at that. The courts wanted her to have a dad. Also, dh & I HAD to be married for 2 years for him to qualify. I'm sure there are exceptions if there are extenuating circumstances like abuse or prison but that wasn't applicable in my case nor does it seem to be in yours.

Another thing, you can't just have her use another name either - at least not where we live. In the school system, they have to use the name that's on the child's birth certificate. We know all about this because Lucy started school 2 months before her adoptions was final. I had to jump thru a ton of hoops to ensure that they used her future legal name in the classroom but I had to give them the court order that an adoption was in process and in their computer system and on all records, they had to show her old name.
That is interesting information. Thanks for it! .

We wouldnt do anything legally with her name till later down the road. If we do. But i should find out the info just cause im curious. im in MN.
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  #12  
November 24th, 2010, 07:32 AM
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So just a quick question, so if your daughter has her father's last name, then I'm assuming that his name is on the birth certificate? If that is the case, then he does have rights to the child. (at least here he would, I'm not sure how things work where you are).

I'm sorry that he is doing these things to make your daughter sad. And it makes me sad to hear this, when I have my DF who would walk the ends of the earth to ensure he got to see his kids. I hope that everything works out for you. Just keep loving your daughter like you have been and go from there. You can't change other people, you can only control what you can do.

{{hugs}}
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  #13  
November 24th, 2010, 07:42 AM
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I will have to agree with the other ladies. I'm sorry it's been so hard for her. But be thankful that you do have someone who does care. You said he has no rights to her. Is this via a court order or did he never sign an acknowledgment of paternity? It's going to be very hard to change her last name. You will most likely require that he signs a paper agreeing to the name change. Good luck on your journey.
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  #14  
November 24th, 2010, 10:12 AM
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I talked to the county and i thought he always had rights. But they told me he has no rights to her at all. and the only right he has at all is to pay CS. but he could take me to court to get some rights. Although i know he wont. he has told me before he doesnt want to deal with it. and he said that he doesnt want the responsibly of it. you think this would shock you. But so serious.

As her last name it is his. So i dk how that would work. but that is forsure something that im not worried about for awhile. And if we cant then we cant. I am close to his family so id be okay with it.
But just sad for my daughter .

We may have to agree on it..but idk if he has no rights... KWIM?

he has told me before he wanted to sign them all away so he didnt have to pay...but if he would idk??? and i havent ever asked him to do that. I think he says it out of being mad. But who knows. He is BI polar so i never know what to expect lol


on a good note we got hollyann to the place we had to meet her grandparents.. i felt good.. they are super nice. so im greatful for that. I know my situation could be so much more worse the it is. Although it hurts me my daughter has to go through this.... He is in and out of her life... just wish he would stay or just leave for good. whatever he decided he wanted to do.
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  #15  
November 24th, 2010, 10:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ToonTownGirl View Post
So just a quick question, so if your daughter has her father's last name, then I'm assuming that his name is on the birth certificate? If that is the case, then he does have rights to the child. (at least here he would, I'm not sure how things work where you are).

I'm sorry that he is doing these things to make your daughter sad. And it makes me sad to hear this, when I have my DF who would walk the ends of the earth to ensure he got to see his kids. I hope that everything works out for you. Just keep loving your daughter like you have been and go from there. You can't change other people, you can only control what you can do.

{{hugs}}
Thank you!!!!

he is on it. Thats why i always thought he had rights to her. But i know MN is for the mother in general. But when i talked to them they said he doesnt have any through out the paper work and he didnt ask to have any?? So i guess he doesn't according to them... I know he could go to court to get them though....

But dont think he cares much? i let him see her whenever he wants anyways..sooo i guess it doesnt matter..

That is so great to hear that your DF will go so far just to see his kids! that is really great to hear. Im glad there are guys out there like that. Its sad not all guys are like that though!
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  #16  
November 24th, 2010, 12:32 PM
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I'm not sure what you mean that he has no rights. Everything I've ever read is that he has rights just by being her bio dad. He doesn't have to act on them or have them written in a court order but he does have rights. So just because you don't have a written visitation order & he would have to go to court to get one in place does not mean he doesn't have rights or that you can just legally do what you want.

The fact that he is required to pay child support means he has be acknowledged by the court to have rights.

I'd check with a lawyer before doing anything.
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  #17  
November 24th, 2010, 12:39 PM
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This got me thinking so I had to look. According to this website a father in Minnesota:

Quote:
Each parent has a legal duty to support the child financially. A child cannot get court ordered child support from a father unless that father is recognized as the child's legal father through an adjudication of paternity or signing a ROP.

Minnesota Divorce Source: Being Recognized as a "Legal Father" - Paternity in Minnesota

So if your ex has been court ordered to pay child support then he has been recognized as her legal parent & has legal rights.
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  #18  
November 24th, 2010, 01:54 PM
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  #19  
November 24th, 2010, 04:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetiez View Post
rachel- Thanks for your insights! . I just disappointed that my daughter cant rely on her own birth father. I just cant even imagine how hurt she will be later on. And also i dont want her have a bad image on guys because of her dad. Not knowning my dad hurt. But you know..your right she will know who takes care of her ect... And im hoping she will see that within me and kevin. That you can have a good healthy relationship...
She won't be hurt later on if she has your BF in her life, kwim? He's the daddy she'll know and love and she'll base her relationships with men on her relationship with him. It is disappointing that her bio dad is not manning up, but she's blessed to have a real father in your bf.

Quote:
As some history ...as a kid...i didnt know my dad and all the guys i ever knew came and went.. from my mom. So, growing up i thought guys were suppose to treat you crappy. Well i followed that pattern. And DD dad was the same. He still is he is highly controlling. and he abused me big time.
Thankfully i have amazing friends and they got me out of that. And i got help. And now im not the same person. I know what a healthy relationship is and grateful for my BF!
At least your recognize that and you want to break the cycle for the sake of your DD. Knowing it and doing different is the best thing you can do.

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So im just worried my daughter will follow that and also let guys do anything to her. So, but im hoping im doing everything right.
I understand your worry, I really do. My kids grew up seeing their dad cheat on me and come and go and come and go for 10 years. When I realized that I was setting a very bad example for my daughter and I thought about a man treating her the way her dad was treating me, that's when I got out. Unfortunately, it was too late and my daughter is now married to a loser, womanizer who will never be faithful to her. It sickens me.

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As far as custody goes. Her father has ZERO rights to her. Not even Visitation rights. So i can do pretty much decide what i want to do. The only right he has is to pay child support. And in all honesty he prolly is glad for that... So im thinking i can change her name...not positive but we will see. Honestly if i asked he prolly sign over his little rights he has. Which is child support. He is not in her life much only if he has too.
Having full legal & physical custody is not the same as his parental rights being terminated. In fact, if he's ordered to pay child support, there's no way his rights have been terminated. Definitely talk to a lawyer. I'm not sure where you live, but I'm sure it won't be easy to change her name if he does not consent and/or his parental rights are not terminated. And if he does consent to his rights being terminated you will no longer be entitled to child support.

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But that being said thanks for the info
You're welcome! I hope it was helpful.

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Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
This got me thinking so I had to look. According to this website a father in Minnesota:




Minnesota Divorce Source: Being Recognized as a "Legal Father" - Paternity in Minnesota

So if your ex has been court ordered to pay child support then he has been recognized as her legal parent & has legal rights.
Ooops. Didn't read ahead and see that you said the same thing I said.
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November 26th, 2010, 06:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
This got me thinking so I had to look. According to this website a father in Minnesota:




Minnesota Divorce Source: Being Recognized as a "Legal Father" - Paternity in Minnesota

So if your ex has been court ordered to pay child support then he has been recognized as her legal parent & has legal rights.
Thank you! It weird how they told me he has not rights?? so weird.. maybe its because its not court ordered too that could be it thanks for checking this out for me!
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