Log In Sign Up

DSD visit


Forum: Blended Families

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Blended Families LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
November 26th, 2010, 06:11 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,121
DSD visit it going great but we learned some concerning info.

1st I have to say that Dh's relationship with his ex has been ok for the most part over the last 6 years. Mostly dh just gives in to her . And until this visit, she annoyed us but we thought she was taking good care of the kids so dh didn't really push things. You know she was a bad wife - good mom kind of thing. Well except she lied to the kids and told that dh & I had an affair and not her.....

But we got 2 red flags from dsd. DSD is 12. She had a 1/2 day of school on Wednesday before the Thanksgiving break. She 1st told me that she had overslept and missed the bus. I really didn't think too much of it - we were driving to my mil's hotel to swim in the pool. Later she told me why she overslept. She was up until 3:30 doing laundry & packing to come to our house Dsd is 12. What is a 12 year old EVER doing up at 3:30 in the morning & especially on a school night??????? Where was her mother????????

I don't think it's weird that a 12 year old is doing their own laundry - that's about the time I did mine. But why at 3:30 in the morning??????

The other thing that really honked me off is that she said that this year she wasn't having a birthday party (she actually turns 12 in late December). The reason???? Her older sister is turning 16 and they are saving all the money to put toward her sweet 16 party. WHAT????? She can't have a couple of friends over for pizza and a movie?

And does a 16 year old really need a huge party - like a wedding reception with dj, food and even a security guard to keep out uninvited guest. (They live in a town of 500 people) I know in some place sweet 16 is really a big deal but I didn't grow up in one of those places so I just don't understand. But I'm ok with it as long as it doesn't affect the younger one!


Anyway, I've always been concerned about the youngest dsd because she has always played 2nd fiddle to her older sister. Dh just didn't get it until now. More so he is concerned about why she was up doing laundry at 3:30am. He is really concerned at what is going on now that bm is going through her 2nd divorce.
__________________
Kris

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
Reply With Quote
  #2  
November 26th, 2010, 08:05 AM
ToonTownGirl's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 729
Oh Kris, I'm so sorry to hear that about your DSD! {{hugs}}

Do you think that maybe your DH would consider going back to court to have DSD come live with you? I know here, children have a "voice" at 12, and maybe she can make the claim of where she wants to live?

You guys are in my thoughts, and I hope that there will be some kind of resolution to this for you!
__________________


Thank you
*Kiliki* for my beautiful siggie!

1st Miscarriage - not planned - June 29, 2010

Saskatoon Scrappin'
- visit my blog!


Reply With Quote
  #3  
November 26th, 2010, 10:17 AM
Arachne
Guest
Posts: n/a
I am so sorry to hear that!! The laundry thing isn't weird here, either. However, the 3:30 thing DOES seem really strange... why didn't her mother have her packing a few days in advance, too?

How sad about her birthday. Maybe you and your DH could get her for your birthday so she could do a little something? I do agree with you, no 16 year old needs that much of a party. That show on MTV, "Sweet Sixteen" or "My Sweet Sixteen", something like that, used to make me nauseous because of how over blown, and over done EVERYTHING was.

I agree with ToonTown, maybe see if your DH wants to file for custody of the youngest DSD?
Reply With Quote
  #4  
November 26th, 2010, 11:27 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,121
He is now considering filing for primary physical custody. He already has joint legal custody We are on the up swing financially and he just found out that his ex is loosing her job in January - layoffs. So she wouldn't have money to fight us.

I do worry about dsd though. She's so brainwashed that she doesn't see anything wrong with the situation. I told her this summer that she could come live with us anytime. But like I said she thinks what's going on is normal because she's never had anything else.

Oh and year I forgot to mention, we are going to do something special for her birthday. The bad thing is that she won't be able to have any of her friends there because we live 4 hours away But we'll come up with something very special.

He's planning to talk to dsd over the next few days (unfortunately he's working all the days) - so hopefully they'll get some time to talk. Dh isn't very good at talking like that so I really hope he steps up.
__________________
Kris

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
Reply With Quote
  #5  
November 26th, 2010, 01:33 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Taneytown, MD
Posts: 114,904
Send a message via Yahoo to Rachel
Yeah, like you I don't think it's weird that a 12 year old is doing their own laundry, but at 3:30 in the morning it's a littler off. And oversleeping? Why wasn't her mom available to get her up for school? I made sure my kids were up and out the door every.single.day till they graduated. Sure, I let them (made them) have their own alarm clocks, but I always got up to make sure they didn't hit the snooze one too many times, kwim? That is definitely concerning. I don't think an 11-12 year old is mature enough to get themselves up and out the door for school on their own.

And yeah, the birthday party is a bit crappy too. Certainly, she could do something little for her. Good luck with it all!
Reply With Quote
  #6  
November 27th, 2010, 07:21 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,121
I agree Rachel about the getting up too. The mother only works part-time and I think it's afternoons & evenings. Ironically enough she's a family counselor.

And what about her 16 year old sister? They live in a very small town - 500 people. So the kindergarten thru 12th grade is in 1 school. So her older sister goes to the same school, presumably if not at the same time - close too it. They may stagger start times due to buses. But still she didn't notice that her sister wasn't up? (not that it's her job - although bm has always made her do things like that).

I just don't understand it. That's why we are getting worried. Seems as if with all that's going on dsd is getting lost in the shuffle.
__________________
Kris

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
Reply With Quote
  #7  
November 28th, 2010, 10:35 AM
Regular
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 51
I think there might be some parts of this story missing. 12 is about the age where little girls start changing stories slightly to get more simpathy.

I can see myself telling SD to do her laundry before she goes to BM's for thanksgiving. And if she puts it off after I've told her a few times........telling her that the fact that her laundry still needs to be done before she leaves and since she decided to put it off till the last minute I guess she will be up all night doing it! and I can see my self walking in her bedroom in the morning to wake her up and figuring that she learned her lesson and did her punishment by staying up till 3:30 in the morning, and that its only a half day anyway, why not just let her sleep in.

I can see myself doing that. I don't know if that makes me a bad mom or not, but I'm the type of mom tells her child she'll stand at the dinner table because I'm sick of telling them not to tip the chairs back. and I would totally make SD stay up till her chores are done if she put them off that long. She will have to learn time management, and that procrastination costs you.

Here I am being Devils Advocate again. But you said that "we thought she was taking good care of the kids so dh didn't really push things." So if you thought everything was fine until your SD told you she stayed up late doing her chores and slept through the half day of school then I think you are jumping the gun to go for primary custody over that.

P.S. Sounds to me like this child is looking for the simpathy vote. the 16 year old milestone party does trump the 12 year old party. I didnt have a big birthday party the year my sister had a graduation party. The money wasnt there. And I highly doubt this mom isnt gonna let her have a small cake, or some girlfriends over.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
November 28th, 2010, 01:10 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,121
That's a good point if you didn't know this child. She is NOT the ordinary drama queen 12 year old. Very, very far from it. You are new to the board so you don't know the other things that are going on as well.

The reason we are concerned is that BM is going through her 2nd! divorce in 6 years! Dsd at 7 years old climbed a 150ft rock wall - people started to gather and applauded when she got to the top. Teenagers and athletic grownups couldn't get to the top. When she got to the bottom, she was like ok now what's next. Didn't even notice that she had done something extraordinary.

I WOULD NEVER NEVER NEVER punish a 12 year old by making her stay up until 3:30 doing laundry on a school night. That in my book is child abuse! School is the # 1 priority. And she is ONLY just turning 12.

And I do not agree that a 16 year old's birthday party trumps ANYONE's birthday. There is a history of everything being about the older girl.

My son turns 5 this year - that is a milestone. That does not mean that my dd who will turn 9 a month later gets NO birthday party.

The Mother is well off. She is a licenses therapist making $150 an hour. And you have NO idea what this woman is capable of. Dh hasn't been concerned because his kids were fed and clothed. Being 4 hours away - doesn't see much. I have always been concerned about dsd emotional well being. Now with her mother's divorce, we are seeing signs of physical neglect.
__________________
Kris

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah

Last edited by My2miracles; November 28th, 2010 at 01:18 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
November 28th, 2010, 01:30 PM
Regular
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 51
I definatly would make SD stay up till her chores are done if she didnt do them when I told her to. I dont think that is child abuse at all. Not in the slightest, decisions have consequeses, and if staying up late constitutes child abuse these days then I know a whole lot of people who shouldnt be raising thier children.

and I wholehartedly believe that one event can trump anouther where money is involved. If you were planning a trip to disney and saving up then other events that you otherwise would have spent more money on get smaller. And the 5, 10, 16 and 21st birthdays are milestones. even as adults people tend to celebrate the 30th and 50th birthdays more than any other. This year my aunt who always hosts thanksgiving dinner said she was not having a thanksgiving party this year (for the first time in 10 years) because she spent so much on her daughters 30th birthday party. So we didnt have our big family thanksgiving with all the aunts because of a milestone birthday party. In a few months my uncle Mikes 50th birthday party will be in Las Vegas. My mother has already called and said that she is not getting her adult kids presents this year, and she is limiting the grandkids to between $20-$30 dollars becasue she needs to save for Mikes trip. "Sure mom, we understand. Mike party is gonna make us all broke LOL" In a family you make sacrifices. I highly doubt this mother is going to do nothing for the childs birthday, but I doubt it will be big. thats just normal to me. My best friends NEVER has a birthday party for her son who is 9. She never has. every year she just gets him a nice present and they have cake and go out for dinner. Thats all. Shes perfectly fine with that, so is the child. Theres no harm in toning it down one year. SD has had 3 Family/friend birthday parties in her whole life on our side. She only even has girlfriends spend the night. Expecially if we are saving up for something else.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
November 28th, 2010, 01:48 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,121
We don't know that she WAS being PUNISHED for not doing her chores - and since WE don't know - I don't know how YOU could possibly know.

And I do not know ANYONE who punishes their child by doing abusive behavior - yes sleep deprivation is dangerous and abusive. Take away a privilege - yes. 3 hours of sleep on a SCHOOL NIGHT - NO!

And your comparison of adult parties is irrelevant! Who cares about a 20, 30, 40 or 50 year old. That's not what we are talking about. It's a 12 year old. And her 16 year old sister HAD a GIANT birthday when she turned 12. And I'm sure when dsd turns 16 - she will get a small party & her older sister who will be turning 20 - a milestone... will get another big party.

I never had a 16, 18, 20, 30 or 40th birthday party. My family hasn't give out adult gifts since I was in my 20's. That has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Especially not with this situation.

DH and I are going for physically custody because we know it's in the best interested of our beloved daughter.
__________________
Kris

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
Reply With Quote
  #11  
November 28th, 2010, 02:01 PM
Regular
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 51
I never said she was being punished, I think you are working yourself up and seeing things that are not there. I said I could see myself doing that, meaning there maybe anouther side to this story. Did she tell you why? did the BM know she was up doing it? was she directed to do it? I said I could see this happening in my home and you turned around and called it child abuse. therefore I defended mine and my husbands parenting style and rebuttled that I dont think its child abuse. And I still dont. If in the event, like the EXAMPLE I gave, Sd didnt do what she was told, she would stay up until it was done, just like any other punishment. there are standards. If something has to be done by a deadline you make it happen, we are preparing her for the real world. Decisons have consequences. I agree that school is a priority, ours is an honor student and great sacrifices have been made for school. But this was a half day before a holiday. Weighed out, not that serious in my opinion. I think as a parent you have to weigh things out. IF, in my example, a child is told to do something because it needs to be done before a vacation, and it is not done, shoudl the mother have to stay up and do it because the child defied them? Nope. I mean, I would definatly stay up with the child, but she would be doing the laundry herself and I would remind her that if she had done it when she was told then she wouldnt need to stay up to do it. Again this is all hypethetical, I was just pointing out that both sides of the story arent known, and now there is this whole tangent over an example.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
November 28th, 2010, 05:02 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: East Coast :)
Posts: 1,331
...
__________________
Thanks cavewoman for the amazing siggie!

Last edited by loveneverfails; August 21st, 2012 at 06:23 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
November 29th, 2010, 08:19 AM
ToonTownGirl's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 729
Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
We don't know that she WAS being PUNISHED for not doing her chores - and since WE don't know - I don't know how YOU could possibly know.

And I do not know ANYONE who punishes their child by doing abusive behavior - yes sleep deprivation is dangerous and abusive. Take away a privilege - yes. 3 hours of sleep on a SCHOOL NIGHT - NO!

And your comparison of adult parties is irrelevant! Who cares about a 20, 30, 40 or 50 year old. That's not what we are talking about. It's a 12 year old. And her 16 year old sister HAD a GIANT birthday when she turned 12. And I'm sure when dsd turns 16 - she will get a small party & her older sister who will be turning 20 - a milestone... will get another big party.

I never had a 16, 18, 20, 30 or 40th birthday party. My family hasn't give out adult gifts since I was in my 20's. That has absolutely nothing to do with anything. Especially not with this situation.

DH and I are going for physically custody because we know it's in the best interested of our beloved daughter.
I 100% agree with you Kris! If we found out that this was happening to either one of my step kids, the "stuff" would hit the fan. My DSS just turned 10 and his party was no bigger or smaller than my DSD's 3rd birthday! And NEVER will it be! Our kids are EQUALS, and will always be treated that way. One will never be "trumped" over the other one... that's ridiculous.

You guys are in my thoughts and prayers for your DSD and I hope you guys get physical custody. Please keep me posted! {{hugs}}

Quote:
Originally Posted by schoolyearmama View Post
If in the event, like the EXAMPLE I gave, Sd didnt do what she was told, she would stay up until it was done, just like any other punishment. there are standards. If something has to be done by a deadline you make it happen, we are preparing her for the real world. Decisons have consequences. I agree that school is a priority, ours is an honor student and great sacrifices have been made for school. But this was a half day before a holiday. Weighed out, not that serious in my opinion.
I'm all for "standards" in punishments... but keeping a child up until past 3 am on a school night, whether it's the day before a holiday or not, in MY eyes is CHILD ABUSE!!! Then you send her to bed early, and she wakes up earlier then. But by NO MEANS do you have a child up that late on a school night.

Your "great sacrifices" do they include keeping your child up until past 3 am doing laundry? Probably not. I'm just finding the "minimizing" of this very disheartening to be perfectly honest.
__________________


Thank you
*Kiliki* for my beautiful siggie!

1st Miscarriage - not planned - June 29, 2010

Saskatoon Scrappin'
- visit my blog!


Reply With Quote
  #14  
November 29th, 2010, 12:39 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,121
Ummm schoolyearmama - you did indeed say punishment.

Quote:
Originally Posted by schoolyearmama View Post
........telling her that the fact that her laundry still needs to be done before she leaves and since she decided to put it off till the last minute I guess she will be up all night doing it! and I can see my self walking in her bedroom in the morning to wake her up and figuring that she learned her lesson and did her punishment by staying up till 3:30 in the morning, and that its only a half day anyway, why not just let her sleep in.
And I resent the fact that you are saying that I'm working myself up about nothing. You have no idea. I stand by my very strong opinion - and that of the AMA (American Medical Association) that lack of sleep is child abuse.


And yes in my opinion - her lazy @ss mother should have made sure the laundry was done. She is the mother. Dsd is the child - not the other way around.

Or I would have been more than happy to do her laundry when she got to our house. We do have a washer & dryer after all.

And your constant party comparisons are ridiculous. It isn't about 1 birthday party for 1 child. It's about the constant inequity between 2 children. Did I mention that the older child isn't DH's bio child. More history here... Bio mom has always favored her over dsd.

And for the record - dsd wasn't going on vacation. She spending time at her home with her dad and siblings. DH has JOINT custody. Legal & physical.
__________________
Kris

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
Reply With Quote
  #15  
November 29th, 2010, 02:20 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NYC
Posts: 13,499
I had a feeling that the two girls had different fathers. Sorry her BM is such a wench.
__________________

❤ Big Thanks to Vicki, trishosaurus, & Shortcake for the great siggies of my kids! ❤
Liz (36) Kev (35)
Tiana (16) Doni (14) Lil Kev (8) Ethan 7/23/12 Lil Roo 10/29/11



Reply With Quote
  #16  
November 29th, 2010, 05:10 PM
Regular
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 51
your right I did say the word punishment,I said it in my senario of if my child didnt do as she was told and her punishment was to get it done. I did not say that your SD stayed up because she was being punished, you are focusing too much on my hypethetical senario, as in working yourself up about my senario too much. working your self up about me too much. Seriously, I was giving a senario of how somethign like that might happen, and you are acting as though I said that IS what happend.

edited to remove a regretful comment out of aggravation.

Last edited by schoolyearmama; November 29th, 2010 at 05:26 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
November 29th, 2010, 05:19 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NYC
Posts: 13,499
Whoa that was a very loaded sentence there schoolyearmama. I'm starting to question your motives here. How in the world do you even know that there isn't more history behind their situation? How do you know that this last one isn't the straw that broke the camels back? Ohh that's right you don't know because YOU aren't a part of that family dynamic. You're just a fresh pair of eyes looking at what is a brief summary of the moment and then passing judgment. Not cool in the least bit. Funny how you have only mainly posted in this ONE forum and not even put in a main intro in the intro board. That comes off as rather suspicious looking.
__________________

❤ Big Thanks to Vicki, trishosaurus, & Shortcake for the great siggies of my kids! ❤
Liz (36) Kev (35)
Tiana (16) Doni (14) Lil Kev (8) Ethan 7/23/12 Lil Roo 10/29/11



Reply With Quote
  #18  
November 29th, 2010, 05:25 PM
Regular
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 51
Kat your right, she was starting to get me aggravated. I'm not sure what you mean about not posting on other forums though. Are there other blended family forums on here? I didnt venture around.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
November 29th, 2010, 05:36 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NYC
Posts: 13,499
Blended Families is just one of the many forums the JM community has to offer. It looks funny when a person, that is fairly new, solely posts in just one forum and appears to be causing problems with other members. Most members will begin to view that person as a trouble making troll.
__________________

❤ Big Thanks to Vicki, trishosaurus, & Shortcake for the great siggies of my kids! ❤
Liz (36) Kev (35)
Tiana (16) Doni (14) Lil Kev (8) Ethan 7/23/12 Lil Roo 10/29/11



Reply With Quote
  #20  
November 29th, 2010, 05:49 PM
Regular
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 51
I am honestly not trying to cause any problems. I never said that that child should be taken from her grandparents, or that this SD was being punished by her mom. It feels like everything I said has been taken out of context. I am not on other forums because I'm new here. I was looking for a blended family forum to replace the last that I was on for 7 years before it had a server crash. it was out for 2 months before it came back on and only a handful of the people came back, I think because they stopped trying every once in a while.

Honestly why would someone join a forum just to cause problems? what woudl be the point of that? I was offering valid advice. When one parent is having a problem with a childs dicipline I truly belive that all the parents to ban together, wether its the stepparent or bioparent having the problem. I believe that stepparents that take on a signifigant role in a childs life should not feel bad if the child chooses to call them mom or dad, becasue I believe that mom or dad is a role/job, its as much a verb as a noun. I believe that "mom" or "dad" isn't only reserved for someone who creates a child. But also the people that mother, and father the child. I've been in the military for seven years and have seen and befriended many different types of familys. And if I tell my child to do something, and she doesnt, she has to deal with the consequences. The truth to that is though, I dont really have that problem much. But I will take something to that level if I am being ignored that much. In my opinion if she isnt listening to me then she can go to school tired becasue she had something she was told to do. She wont make that mistake again. On the flip side, I use alternative punishments because I dont spank. I have posted my true opinions to what has been posted, I believe they were twisted around, but it was my opinion.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:43 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0