Feeling like a bad person

appifanie · #1 June 9th, 2006, 05:14 AM

The below italicized is an email to my mom (am too lazy to retype it all) so some background first.

DH=Will. Will is in the Army and has training out of state for 6 weeks and I won't get to see him at all for that time. He then gets 2 weeks off to spend with his son and then I get to spend basically the whole 2 weeks alone w/ SS (who is a nice kid, but I am revelling in my alone time at home, sitting around lazy, w/o my bra, being comfy and relaxed and not worried about anyone but me and the baby enjoying my alone time before I am a mommy) because he's coming for about a month.

Alyssa=stillborn baby girl I had on July 20, 1997 (my one other PG). I got pregnant at almost the same exact time of year as I did this time, and I started bleeding w/ Alyssa on June 9th, 1997. So I'm a bit scared.

Olivia=our baby girl, due Oct 23.

So Will ended up getting Saturday, Monday and Tuesday off and then he works Wednesday and leaves for training early Thursday morning. He called me yesterday and asked if it was okay for SS to come for the weekend and I said yes (I can't say NO, even though I would like time alone w/ him before he leaves for 6 weeks). When he got home, he tells me that SS is coming from Saturday-Tuesday because he's already on summer vacation, and he thought that I knew he meant a 4-day weekend (boys, sheesh! how the hell do I know the kid is on vacation?).

So I had been holding off for months but finally I tell Will that everytime SS is here, Will COMPLETELY ignores me. Apparently he didn't notice that I tend to get snippy and cranky when SS is here (he said I'm so sweet that even cranky he can't tell - HA) and I told him that I do that b/c I am upset because I get completely ignored. I said that of course I don't expect to be the center of attention when he's here, but it would be nice to get some attention. Will said he never realized he ignored me (DUH!) and that he would change things now that he knows. He said he would change it to just the 2 day weekend, but that evil-ex-wife had already arranged and cancelled childcare for SS and he didn't want to go back on that.

What upsets me the most is that now SS will be here for the 4 days Will has off, then Will leaves me for 6 weeks, then he and SS will spend 2 weeks together and then it'll mostly be me and SS for 2 weeks. Which means almost 11 weeks alone for me (during the time of pregnancy I am most paranoid/worried about because of Alyssa). Of course I'm glad he gets time with SS, but I want time too! (I don't actually get to see Will much - he's gone 12+ hours a day) I know I'm selfish, but I'm scared, and I get adapted to one plan and then suddenly it all changes on me.

Apparently Will's boss told Will that once SS turns 10 (Aug 29!) he can decide which parent he wants to live with, and I know it's wrong of me, but I don't want him to live here! It's like . . . Will was off starting a family w/ evil-ex-wife when he should have been with me and now is my time sort of. Mine and Olivia's. I just want it to be the 3 of us and I don't mind SS visiting, but I don't want him to live with us!! I know that's horrible of me, I do.

appifanie · #2 June 9th, 2006, 06:32 AM

Also, I forgot to mention that I have an appt w/ the perinatologist Tuesday morning where we find out how my large fibroids are affecting the baby, and whether they'll want/need to do surgery on me and if I'll need a c-section . . . all stuff I want to be just the 2 of us. Will said we could leave SS in the waiting room, which irked me a bit b/c I want it to be about me and the baby and not SS, you know? But I reread the appt sheet I got from the perinatologists office, and kids aren't allowed to be there, so I told Will and he's gonna call evil-ex and we'll see what happens.

Mom2DyJessAva · #3 June 9th, 2006, 07:52 AM

Your not a bad person for feeling the way you do and i completely understand..I no what you mean when you say you dont want your SS to live with you..If your DH ignores you when he is over (i no he didnt notice it) but if SS lived there all the time you would get ignored everyday..and i dont think its fair to you..Do you no if SS wants to live with you both or stay with his mom?..i wish i could help you more..i feel the same way you do sometimes (well i use to when he got to see his daughter) after finishing college i plan to get my own place for me and dylan and if me and his dad are together i want him there with us but i DONT want his daughter livin with us..it sounds selfish but i personally dont think it is..i mean i care for her and dont mind coming and spending a night but thats it..anyways...i hope things turn out right for you and its good to let your DH know how you feel about things because he might be not realizing some of the things he is doing so talking is def a good thing to do..take care of yourself and try not to stress about this time in your pregnancy and relax

appifanie · #4 June 9th, 2006, 08:45 AM

Quote:

..Do you no if SS wants to live with you both or stay with his mom?..[/b]

well when he lives w/ mom he spends a lot of time w/ the evil ILs whom he loves (they spoil him - on a recent trip to disney world they gave him a new nintendo ds) so it'd be like he'd have to give them up and his mom for his dad. but i can't imagine he wouldn't want to live w/ his dad.

i'm glad i'm not the only one who feels this way. i wish i didn't but i do. in a few years i might feel better about all of it, but DH and i are still sort of new to being together (it took us a long time to get here)