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Hello, I am new here and am having some trouble with my fiance's ex wife and I just don't know what to do anymore. I have two step-daughters aged 13 and 10 and there mom is a bi-polar control obsessed woman who has been giving us he** for almost 6 years now. But I am finally at my last straw and so ready to quit the whole thing.
Long story short, she has some personal issues with me that she won't address and keeps denying but it comes out in what she says to me. Things have been going pretty well with the kids (we have them every other week) and she's totally thrown a jackhammer into our lives. I am totally untrusting of the kids now and what they are telling her and feel like now I have to watch what I say really carefully because they will repeat everything to her. They told her that we called her bi-polar ( just used it as a definition not in a bad character bashing way) and she's freaking out about it, saying we are irrisponsible, immature, selfish. She has always judged how I was as a step-mom to her kids and picked apart everything that we do.
I sent her a PM on FB last night telling her that I don't know why she feels like she can't be honest about why she doesn't like me and that I am here to talk, offered to have a sit down with her and was very mature about it and she still keeps bringing up stuff from the past and creating these scenarios...
The last month I have been doing the Landmark Education forum and follow up sessions which is supposed to help me learn to deal with these kinds of break-downs. I created a possibility to have an honest kind of friendship with her and to stop being afraid to talk to her and to forgive her for what she's said in the past but so far I'm finding it very hard dealing with her. I am so angry and I am trying not to let it get to me but it's so hard when she's constantly judging me. I don't do it to her. I can understand things from her POV but i am not a bad person, I am not doing horrible things to her kids. It's very easy for her to take what they have said (which has also probably been twisted) and turn that into something nasty towards me and DH. I have given everything for this family and given everything for those children but it's just not enough. I love my fiance but I am about ready to walk away
First off hugs to you. It does sound a like a very tough situation. Just keep in mind that in the end you love your fiance and all of this is not forever. I mean yeah the kids will be in his life always, but once they're old enough you will no longer really have to deal with their mother.
❤ Big Thanks to Vicki, trishosaurus, & Shortcake for the great siggies of my kids! ❤
Liz (36) Kev (35)
Tiana (16) Doni (14) Lil Kev (8) Ethan 7/23/12 Lil Roo 10/29/11
First of all, I would stop thinking you need her approval. She's your fiance's ex for a reason. You don't need to please her and the longer you let her control you and frustrate you, the longer she is going to try. I know from experience how difficult it is to deal with birth moms when you're raising or helping to raise her child(ren), so I know it's tough. And I know it's easer to say not to let her get to you than it is to actually do it (I'm still trying).
I agree with Rachel. I would also take it easy on the kids. Don't assume they are telling her things or twisting what they do tell her. She's most likely doing that all on her own (my ex is bipolar so I know a bit about it).
thanks ladies. So glad that I can have sound advice from others who have been in my shoes
I have cooled down, things have cooled down and there will be no communication at all with her unless it's dire, and Jay will be the one talking to her. We are no longer on each others facebook friends list and I have removed her cell number from my phone.
Some changes we will make with the kids is that there will be no more babysitting by the 13 year old because her mom has gotten upset a few times over it.
I will be having a sit down with each of the girls next weeks when they are here and finding out what it is they need, and whether they truly want to stay with us every other week. I need them to be able to trust me and there dad and that they can be honest with us.
I know I don't have to deal with her forever it's just been so difficult and I feel bad for the kids. I never truly agreed to having them for a whole week because I don't personally feel its in there best interest. But no one will listen to me and I don't want to come off as me just not wanting them here. But it's just been hard on everyone with this arrangement.
I am 25, DH is almost 40 and his step daughters are 13, 10. So there isn't a very big age gap between me and the girls. I am having a hard time relating to the older girl now that she's a full blown teenager and into boys, make-up etc.. her mom keeps telling me to stop being her "buddy" and be more of a parent to her. But how can I do that? I am doing my best with her. Things are soooo different than they were 12 years ago. If I try to be both to her I get criticized either way!! Yes I do treat them differently than my own kids because they are older, my kids are only 17 months and 3 years. They NEED me a lot more so my attention is focused on them a lot. She has a hard time understanding this. She always tells me "I parent all the kids the same way and love the other kids like they were my own" (her step kids who are 10 and 12)
But anyways I am done trying to justify myself to her. She can think what she wants about me. I personally think she's kind of jealous because she treated her kids like s**t when they were babies. She outright told me that she wanted to get an abortion when she found out she was pregnant with her 2nd (her and DH only biological child together, the older one is NOT his).....she was out drinking and sleeping around while DH was working and raising the two (partly why they split up was her cheating. She's an idiot)...and I am so involved in everything with my two little ones. Everything is a celebration and me and DH love each other more than anything...
I love Landmark, but they don't generally know how to deal with bi-polar, borderline or NPD types. This all love acceptance stuff - taking personal inventory - etc. is all well and good - but it doesn't work with these types of personalities.
Your best bet is total no contact with BM. Let DH handle 100% of her. Disengage totally.
How active of a father is DH? How are his boundaries with BM? Does he take your side and take care of you around the step kids?