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I feel your pain! All you can do is do your best and keep plugging along. Don't worry about what is "nice", do what is right and do what needs to be done. When the lines of friend vs. parent get blurred, you start getting into trouble! (This applies to your kids and the ex you are co-parenting with, if that's the case.)
Have you tried not trying to co-parent? That's how we do it. We parent when my husband's son is here and she parents when he is there. We don't have the same rules, values, and so on so there's no way to really work together to parent. The only things we make sure to communicate about is travel arrangements (we don't live in same state) and health concerns. Everything else is completely separate.
Doing it this way causes for less constant drama because we do not have to listen to anything she says if we don't want to and the same for her not listening to us.
(It also becomes a lot easier to handle the attacks when you just expect that's how you will be treated.)
I'm sorry it's so hard. I wish I had some sage advice, but sadly we had to go the not co-parenting route too. Except ours ended up meaning that DH barely sees his dds and for the most part, he doesn't even know what's going on in their lives.
I agree with K.A.T., if he's having issues at her house and not yours it can't be legitimately blamed on you. It sounds like she's casting blame rather than taking ownership in her own failings. Most schools will offer information to each household separately (at least those i've had dealings with) and therefore you can stay in the loop without having to go through BM. Talk to the teacher to see what you'd need to do to have separate parent/teacher conferences, notifications, etc.