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i need help, feeel like a terrible person


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  #1  
April 3rd, 2011, 08:39 AM
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So df and I have been together right under 2 years. He has 2 girls, 5 (in 2 months) And 8. We are ttc but I am sorta thinking we shouldn't. Wheen we first got together his oldest was calling me mom and I had to have that talk with her that though I would love to be her mom I can only at most be a step mom bc. Her mom is her mom, though a pathetic attempt of it(though I didn't say that last part to her I don't talk trash about her mom to her though her mom has talked trash about me to the girls). I was inseperatable with the girls, then the issues with df started. He was an active alcoholic at the time and when I weent to break up with him he would use the girls against me, that id never see them again and whtnot. Well finally after a year of him drinking he got into aa and has been sober right under a year (a year on the 14th). I've had some issuees with him with trust and whatnot throughout the year bc of what he did when he was drinking so I started pulling away bc I wasn't sure what would happen (we actually brokee up for a lil bit when he first started aa and he was kicked out of my house for a few months). So back to the girls I pulled away and I got a diff job that has crap for hours so I hardly see them. Their mother drank and used meth while pg with both of them and the youngest is special needs bc of it. I can't stand how he parents them, he wants to be more of their friend bc he doesn't want them always in trouble the little time we see them (every weekend/every other depending on the situation). He completely still babies the 5 yr old bc she acts like one and he wasn't even sure she was his bc the mom was cheating on him when she got pg. Their mother yells at them all the time instead of talk to them and doesn't always make dinner, etc. So it has gotten to the point that they annoy me a lot, they don't listen to me and I don't like how they get away with things. I think part of it is indirected anger I'm mad at dad but take it out on the girls.... I'm terrible!!! I try not to and am counciling to deal with some issues. Ugh sooo shouldn't be having a child. I've lost 4 in previous relationships so I have that wanting for a child but the more I'm around them I'm not sure id be a good mom!!! Around other kids I'm great and at first everything was great... I can't bring a child into this!!!! Im a terrible person please help/any advice is welcome no matter what it is
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  #2  
April 3rd, 2011, 09:41 AM
Turtlesong's Avatar Veteran
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Location: Georgia
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I don't think you are a terrible person. I'd wait and see how his sobriety goes before you even thing about having a child in that situation. I'm a child of alcoholics so i can tell you that just because the drinking stops that doesn't fix all of the problems. Do you have an Alanon meeting in your area? I'm posting the link at the bottom. It's for the loved ones of alcoholics. The situation with him and the kids behavior... that's pretty common. He's going to have to deal with it in his way. A lot of the ladies on here have the same issues with that from what I've read in the past. I haven't posted on here in awhile though.

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  #3  
April 3rd, 2011, 09:43 AM
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I go to alanon and both my parents are active alcoholics, been in alanon as long as he's been in aa. Thanks for the advice. He loves his children and is a greeat dad other then not being as strict as I think he should
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  #4  
April 3rd, 2011, 11:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stacye13 View Post
I don't think you are a terrible person. I'd wait and see how his sobriety goes before you even thing about having a child in that situation. I'm a child of alcoholics so i can tell you that just because the drinking stops that doesn't fix all of the problems. Do you have an Alanon meeting in your area? I'm posting the link at the bottom. It's for the loved ones of alcoholics. The situation with him and the kids behavior... that's pretty common. He's going to have to deal with it in his way. A lot of the ladies on here have the same issues with that from what I've read in the past. I haven't posted on here in awhile though.

Al-Anon
I agree! I would would take every precaution you can before trying to have a child with this man, so soon after his recover. ((Hugs))
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  #5  
April 3rd, 2011, 01:42 PM
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So what about the way I am with the girls? The ttc is on hold so no worries about that. Do you get upset with your partner and their children and how they are raised..... do you get annoyed?
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  #6  
April 3rd, 2011, 01:53 PM
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Originally Posted by hopeful211 View Post
So what about the way I am with the girls? The ttc is on hold so no worries about that. Do you get upset with your partner and their children and how they are raised..... do you get annoyed?
I do at times. My SO's son can be SO DISRESPECTFUL! Like sometimes I wish I could export more authority, but I won't because it's not my place. But he really, truly can be a little snot. Like last night, he was mouthing off to his Dad, getting mad that we wanted to watch TV so he had to get off the PS3. He then wanted to play Monopoly, and we did for about an hour. We watched the kids choice awards together, and things were fine. The game was dragging on, I wasn't feeling good, so we said we were done and would call it a night. His son pitches a fit, saying the game was "close to ending" but it was nowhere near close. So he's pitching this fit, saying "You never want to play with me!" and we do... all the time. Every time I go over there we play a game. This was the first time we ended early. He then complained about not letting him go on the PS3. My SO grounds him from the games for the night, saying he isn't going to be able to play until he had a better attitude. So what does he do? He runs off and plays the wii in his room! My SO catches him, and asks "what part of no games for the night do you not understand?" And his son runs his mouth, yelling, says "You don't like me, you don't let me do anything!" It is a constant battle with him to follow rules, and not talking back. He is always talking back, and when my SO calls him out on it, he just yells "You hate me, you are mean to me!" deal. I feel like saying "Wesley, if you just listened and talked respectful, your Dad wouldn't have to raise his voice!"

Grrrr it's a neverending battle!
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  #7  
April 3rd, 2011, 03:50 PM
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I really don't have advice on that. Neely and I both raise his kids. We work together as team and we discuss things beforehand.
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  #8  
April 4th, 2011, 04:58 AM
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We were going to couples councling, but it was doing little good and with my new work schedule its easier for me to go on my own instead of couples, I get more out of it. Df and I were suppose to set down ground rules and consequences for the girls but that didn't happen, we talked about it but the follow through isn't there. He gets just as upset if not more with them but he doesn't get upset as often. If they had some sort of structure somewhere things wouldd be a lot better I'm sure. The youngest will tell him and me both and smile when she says it... the oldest one will do the same but not as often. And df doesn't back me up when I tell them not to do something bc he thinks I'm being too strict and will undermind me and say they can, which helps the idea that they don't have to listen to me bc dad will say something different. And their mom talks **** about me so that doesn't help either, their mom is still an active alcoholic so yeah. I've been trying to get df to try and get primary cust. Of them and he keeps coming up with excuses though their mom **** near had the house in foreclosure and the power has been turned off numerous times but yet she can pay thr satelite bill.... omG I want out of this sometimes. Ttc was a dream I had and wanted to go with it but the right side of my head knows it is a bad idea, I'm 26 and my mom had a full hystorectomy at 33 bc of cancer, each generation on my moms side gets cancer earlier and earlier and that's driving my ttc... I can't do it.
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  #9  
April 5th, 2011, 12:01 PM
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You need to do what is best for you. If your in a toxic relationship it's not a good thing for anyone. Do what is best for you!!!!
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  #10  
April 5th, 2011, 02:48 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2005
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I feel for you. I would recommend not tcc until you get the situation straightened out. Once you have a child together, you are tied for life if things don't work out.

And speaking from personal experience, your child is also tied to this person who may never straighten out. My dd's bio dad is bipolar & untreated. Of course I didn't know he was bipolar until I was already pregnant - I suspected but it didn't seem so bad. But after she was born, he went off the deep end. Now I've sentence my beloved child to a lifetime of dealing in some respect with this situation that she has no control over.

Just my advice
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