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Primary Custody anyone? also sticky sitution with the ex wife


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  #1  
April 24th, 2011, 08:43 AM
LookingGlassAlice's Avatar Pagan FTM
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 4,270
My boyfriend has primary custody of his son. Him and his ex get along because they decided a long time ago that being hateful to each other for past sins would do no good for their child. He lives with us full time and she gets one weekend a month, but I just have one question. She was ordered to pay child support on her son, and she has not paid a dime in 13 years. We are struggling to keep afloat and she is doing great, and I'm bit irritated that i am providing (as the main earner in the house) all Christmas, birthday, school activities funding, but whenever we want to switch weekends so we can do stuff as a family, she refuses to budge, saying that the custody agreement states when her weekends are. Do you think we could get away with switching the weekend anyways because his grandma wants to invite him on a trip that falls on mom's weekend and he really really really wants to go. The reason that she was failing to pay is that she tells my boyfriend that she has two other kids to provide for and he can't afford to take her to court, nor does he want to because he doesn't want to upset his son. (I'm not mad about paying for anything, but that fact that whenever he needs something, she refuses to help)

Also, my BF was married again for 7 years, and his son calls the recent ex mom since he lived with her for so long, but every time he goes to visit her, he comes back upset, saying that the ex told him that I was the reason that Dad and Mom broke up. Now, we did not tell him the reason (she cheated on my BF with her drug dealer) but it breaks my heart to see him get hurt like that, but neither of us want to restrict visits because he's so attached to her kids. BF has spoken to her about it, and told her that if she keeps doing it she will not be allowed to see him anymore (it was two trips that she did this) but it puts me in a awkward situation to have to deal with these two women screwing with this lovely boy's head. Anyone floating in the same boat?
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  #2  
April 24th, 2011, 11:09 AM
Arachne
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Kind of... not quite the same boat...

As for the child support... I'd enforce the hell out of that. I know in my prior state, if you don't pay child support, you lose your driver's license. Just because she has two other kids to provide for, doesn't mean that she doesn't have to pay child support on her other son.

I know that if my husband's kids went to live with his ex, that'd he'd have to pay child support on his other two children. I'd expect that the court's wouldn't run him through the rack and make it hard to care for the son we have. But I do expect he'd pay child support to help care for the other children.

He may not want to take her to court because he doesn't want to upset his son, but honestly... why should she get off with not paying child support? If you guys are struggling, and she's doing great, she needs to pitch in and help support her son.

As far as the weekends... I'm not sure what you could get away with. I suppose every time she refuses saying "the custody agreement states my weekends are _______" you guys could flip it around and say "Yeah, well, the custody agreement ALSO states that for the past 13 years YOU should've been paying $xxx.xx every month, and we haven't seen a dime from you."

I would also, possibly, have my husband mention in the discussion about the weekend, "Well, our son REALLY wants to do this, it's with his grandmother, and maybe you should take into consideration what our son really wants to do." or, something along those lines.

But, then again, I'm mean.
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  #3  
April 24th, 2011, 02:03 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
We have 50/50 custody, so there is no child support on either side. We have a decent co-parenting relationship with the ex - but I am NOT involved in their communication (unless he comes to me for advice). I stick my nose into issues that effect me - and I would definitely say that finances in the household would be one of those.

I have to say, this is your boyfriend's issue - he is not protecting you or his children in this situation. If he doesn't stand up to this woman, it creates a foundation for how your relationship with him and the raising of these children will be moving forward. It bleeds into all sorts of stuff...

I would not marry a man who did not stand up to his ex-wife. No way, no day. This will bleed into how he raises his children and boundaries with them, with her, with you - and it's a recipe for misery.

If he cannot afford a lawyer, he can still file. The reality is, she is choosing to be in violation of the CO. She isn't following the CO, she is doing what she likes with zero ramifications. I would scrimp and save every dollar, I would sell whatever I could - I would do EVERYTHING I could to take care of my children - including taking the ex to task for not following a court order. She is taking money out of your pocket - out of BF's pocket - and abandoning her children financially. He can also sue her in court for related court costs due to her breaking the CO...

She must be held accountable and he must find the strength to do so. If for no other reason than the fact that it's effecting his children and you. He's wrong to be so passive in this.

Good luck to you.

Last edited by katiemama; April 24th, 2011 at 02:26 PM.
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  #4  
April 29th, 2011, 03:35 PM
Turtlesong's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Georgia
Posts: 151
In my state if you have an order then you can file to have it enforced (wage garnishment, taking taxes, etc) for $25. It's free if you are on welfare though. I had to go this route with my ex because he has only ever paid when they took it from his check/taxes. My husband's ex has always paid till this year. It's been almost a year since she's paid any child support. I'm hoping for her sake that they can work it out between them. My case is a PITA to enforce because my ex lives in another state. My state is really strict on child support and both hubby and his ex live here.
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  #5  
April 30th, 2011, 05:57 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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Somehow missed this post. Sorry about that.

Anyway, he should totally pursue the back and current child support. Maybe he could make an agreement with her for the back support, but she definitely needs to be contributing to the current support. I'm not sure how it works where you live, but once a court has jurisdiction of children here in Maryland, they maintain that jurisdiction no matter what until the child is 18. I would reopen the case for contempt of court proceedings (because that's what it is, if she's ignored a court order to pay).

Good luck!
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  #6  
May 1st, 2011, 11:23 AM
LookingGlassAlice's Avatar Pagan FTM
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Location: Kansas City, MO
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we did end up speaking to her. He told her she either gets in gear with the child support or only gets the kid the weekends that are workable for us, since shes not holding up her end of the bargain. She got all pissed and threatened to go to a lawyer, to which he told her try it, because shed end up in more trouble. nothing yet for her. He's just too much of a softie, sometimes his hand needs to be forced.

The kid is pissed that shes not letting him go on the trip with grandma, so he refused to go see her this weekend anyways. and the custody agreement doesnt say anything about forcing him to go, so we didn't.

Missouri sucks for single dads, btw, she is only ordered to pay 75 dollars a month in child support, and one of the reason my boyfriend hasnt kept on her is the fact he is still pissed at the state for only ordering that much. Seriously, if he didn't have custody, he got told he's be on the hook for 325.00 a month.
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More fundamental than religion is our basic human spirituality. We have a basic human disposition towards love, kindness and affection, irrespective of whether we have a religious framework or not. When we nurture this most basic human resource – when we set about cultivating those basic inner values which we all appreciate in others, then we start to live spiritually. - Dalai Lama



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Last edited by LookingGlassAlice; May 1st, 2011 at 11:26 AM.
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  #7  
May 30th, 2011, 03:33 PM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
Join Date: May 2011
Location: US
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Most states don't charge you to go have cs enforced...
Our state has An area for pro se people wheee they help u fill out the papers abd all u pay is a filing fee. I would call the child support office abd see what resources they have on helping you enforce the cs order.
She can't have her cake and eat it too.
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  #8  
June 1st, 2011, 01:13 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 971
I would still try to get the child support enforced. She owes so make her.
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  #9  
June 1st, 2011, 03:43 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kangaroo View Post
Most states don't charge you to go have cs enforced...
Our state has An area for pro se people wheee they help u fill out the papers abd all u pay is a filing fee. I would call the child support office abd see what resources they have on helping you enforce the cs order.
She can't have her cake and eat it too.
Sometimes there is a filing fee to reopen the case, though. I know Maryland has a nominal fee ($25.00) to open a case after it's closed.
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  #10  
June 2nd, 2011, 11:28 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,032
I would look into different local agencies that might be able to help you if your BF can't afford any fees that might be associated with pursuing child support. Where I live, even if you can't afford the attorney to fight in court or even any court fees, there are organizations that will help with that financially. I'm sure it's different in every state, county, city, etc.., but it would never hurt to look around and see what's out there as far as financial aid to pursue this, because there is no doubt in my mind, that this woman should most definitely be paying child support, and should suffer any consequence of not doing so. It is not at all helping the child, to let the mother get away with this. Also, other children are not an excuse to not take care of a child that you do not have primary custody of.

As far as the "ex mom" visits, there needs to be some definite boundaries set during these visits. She has absolutely no right to tell your DSS anything like that. For one, it is no child's business what happens in adult relationships, that is for the adults to figure out and discuss. Secondly, she should not be using him as a pawn to either get back at your BF or interfere with your relationship.

Your BF has got to step it up and lay down the law with both of these ladies and you may have to be the one to push him in that direction. Let him know, that these situations are not acceptable to you and that there needs to be a change. Stand your ground and don't back down because the more you allow to slide by, the more these women are going to push the limit and eventually you won't be able to take it anymore.
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