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  #1  
April 30th, 2011, 09:02 AM
*KaraBeth*'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 2,390
I've been lurking here for awhile now hoping someone was in the same situation as I am to give advice.

I married my dh a little over a year ago and he has a now 3 yr old son. About a month after we got married I found out I was pregnant (he is now almost 6 months old). Well, I quit my job to be a SAHM in Sept of last year.
Elijah's BM comes around MAYBE every 6 months or so. She hasn't seen him since Nov around Thanksgiving.. She used to call every night for a whopping 50 seconds but I haven't heard from her in about 2 weeks.. So he lives with us full time.
Basically she's a flake and I have no respect for her because she has no interest in her son's life and I just don't understand how you can be like that.

Anyways, after I quit my job to stay at home with him before the baby came I was told by everyone around me that the easiest thing would be to treat him as your own. Love him as your own. Ok, so I tried. I really, really try but it's not there. I feel like such a horrible person because my dh, his family and my family want me to be more affectionate and give more attention than I do to him but I feel like I'm babysitting this misbehaving child that won't go home!

Since I had my son in Nov everyone can see a different. I can't help it! I have a bond with him that I never knew one could even have! I just hate the way people compare and say it shouldn't be different between the two. Of course it's going to be different!!!!

So, I am pregnant again, due in Sept. I don't know if it's the hormones of being pregnant, really just having a baby not long ago or what but I am really feeling mental. I have never been this unhappy in my life. I never felt such anger towards someone, much less a child, in my life. I know part of it is that I'm bitter towards my dh because he works A LOT. Gone around 9a and doesn't get home till almost 10p so I have to deal with Eli all day long and we really just don't get along. Half the time during the day we don't even talk to each other. I know this is bad. It's not good for a child that age to not have alot of interaction..

Sorry this is so long I just feel at my wits end with him. I feel so bad for wishing that his bm would get her life together and just take him back. But I know she won't and it would kill my dh if she did... I don't know how I can keep going on doing this every day all day long by myself with someone that drives me crazy. It's one of my biggest fears that my kids are going to take after Eli and act the way he does. It's ridiculous.

Will this get better? Will I start to even enjoy to be around him? Will it ever be the same bond that I have with my son?

TIA
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  #2  
April 30th, 2011, 12:20 PM
Arachne
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First, WELCOME. Second, you are no alone! We have a very similar situation. Though, there are two kids here. I TOTALLY know how you feel.

Honestly, I don't ever think it will be "the same." KWIM? I had my first child around the same time you had your first, and you're right. It's incredible. I didn't know I COULD feel this way so someone.

Certain parts of my family also push for me to be... "more." KWIM? "YOU are their mommy now! They are YOUR babies now! Just like your own!" and it's like... NO! I'm not! No! They aren't! AND NO! It isn't just like my own!!

I have no real advice, because we DO have very similar situations... but, just know you aren't alone. I'm always here if you need a shoulder or an ear.
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  #3  
April 30th, 2011, 12:27 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
He's not your son.

No matter how harsh that sounds. It's a "dirty little secret" that most all of us stepmom's deal with. These kids aren't ours. So we haven't bonded with them as we have our own - and if we're childless stepmoms, it's often worse!

Maybe taking the pressure off of yourself to be perfect will help. Know that you aren't heartless, you aren't a freak, you aren't a horrible step mom. You are simply having a VERY natural reaction to being put (putting yourself) in an unnatural family dynamic. We're talking biology here... it runs very deep...

There is a great book called "Stepmonster" out there - I highly recommend reading it. It talks about the biology of blended families and how they do and don't work.

I hope you find clarity. Be gentle with yourself. The more you release expectations on being the perfect stepmom, the more you will probably have the freedom to open your heart more to your stepchild.

Hang in there!
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  #4  
April 30th, 2011, 06:09 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Taneytown, MD
Posts: 115,658
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Welcome!

I'm in the same situation. My step sons live with us full time. I have two kids of my own from my previous marriage and we have one son together and one son on the way. As much as I have tried to love the boys like they were my own, the fact of the matter is, they are not mine.

((hugs)) you are definitely not alone! It does get better over time, but in my opinion, you'll never truly love him like you love your own child. It's just different and that's OK!
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  #5  
April 30th, 2011, 08:00 PM
*KaraBeth*'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 2,390
Thank you so much! It's just helped me hearing that it's not my fault for not feeling the same way towards the boys.

I looked into that book Stepmonster on Amazon and I'm definitely going to buy it. Thanks for recommending it

I had a long talk with dh and explained as well as I could that I just don't feel the same way for his son as I do for our son. He took it well and understood where I was coming from.

I'm hoping things will get better with Eli and his temper tantrums That's a big part of my stress right now.
How is the best way to handle discipline in this kind of situation. I've tried everything I know and nothing seems to work with this kid and frankly I don't feel it's my place. I don't want MY kids to look to Eli to know what's ok to do because his behavior is NOT ok here. I want to get it under control before the other kids are even old enough to act out.

Last edited by *KaraBeth*; April 30th, 2011 at 08:02 PM.
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  #6  
April 30th, 2011, 10:56 PM
Arachne
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Again, no advice, but I know how you feel. My husband's son acts out a LOT. I told my husband if he couldn't get it under control, and MY son behaved this way(because he sees that it is how my husband's son behaves), I was going to be extremely unhappy.
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  #7  
May 1st, 2011, 03:04 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
But is IS your place.

You are the lady of the house. That is your home. Regardless of whether that kid is flesh and blood or not - you have every right to demand peace in your home.

Discipline him as you would your own child. But if you aren't confident in your follow through and centered in the fact that you have every right to discipline him, it won't work... kids smell conflict and insecurity like a dog smells a bone. Don't let him win.

Are you comfortable with various disciplinary actions available to you? I'm a big Super Nanny fan - I have found that consistently with her Time Out techniques work - but only if you work it exactly as you are told to...
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  #8  
May 2nd, 2011, 09:48 AM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NYC
Posts: 13,499
Welcome. I don't blame you for not having that bond with him that you do with your son. He is not biologically yours and for anyone to expect you to love and treat them the same has either never been a step parent and a parent to their own biological child or just has no understanding that it's not all the same.
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  #9  
May 2nd, 2011, 10:14 AM
*KaraBeth*'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 2,390
Quote:
Originally Posted by katiemama View Post
But is IS your place.

You are the lady of the house. That is your home. Regardless of whether that kid is flesh and blood or not - you have every right to demand peace in your home.

Discipline him as you would your own child. But if you aren't confident in your follow through and centered in the fact that you have every right to discipline him, it won't work... kids smell conflict and insecurity like a dog smells a bone. Don't let him win.

Are you comfortable with various disciplinary actions available to you? I'm a big Super Nanny fan - I have found that consistently with her Time Out techniques work - but only if you work it exactly as you are told to...
You're right. I guess I was just angry because I really do know that it's what I need to do. Being that I'm the one with him ALL. THE. TIME. Then I should be disciplining him as well. I'm sure as heck not going to let my own kids be spoiled and bratty all the time just because they think they can so I won't allow it with him.

I have tried time outs done Super Nanny style (I love Jo too!) and it doesn't work after the first day. I've tried taking toys away and I've gone so far as to take EVERY toy away and it's done nothing. I've spanked him (and I HATE that.. I don't believe that's the way to go.)
He's the most strong-willed child I've ever known! And he seems to have such anger issues.. But I will say that I've noticed (as well as everyone around us) that his attitude and temperament has changed drastically since I've quit my job to stay home with him. I think he just craves structure and routine and just doesn't know it.

I'll keep plugging along It's really nice to know that there are other women going through this same thing. Thanks guys!
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  #10  
May 3rd, 2011, 05:07 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: cny
Posts: 3,230
i have read the other girls repose , i for one have been wanting to post the same post , did not know who to turn to , i have been eatting myself up for how i've been feeling towards my hubbys kid.

i didn't feel like a babysitter till the day he was home, she asked me to make her oatmeal, he snatched it out of my hand and IM HERE.I'll DO IT ,,, fine , i'm done

i don't post here normaly

but i want to say THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!! thank you i'm not the only one except my oldest feeling this way.. thank goodness i thought i was the only one
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