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Forum: Blended Families

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  #1  
April 30th, 2011, 07:12 PM
mom2more's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 2,680
I am a member of a DDC on here and one of the girls on my DDC board told me about this board.

I am a full time stepmom to my 2 stepkids. Their mom lives closeby (as of now...but she changes residences often). She NEVER sees them unless she has family in town visiting or a big event for her other kids and wants to play mommy and show off all her kids for the day. The rest of the time she goes months without seeing or calling my stepkids. Last time she took them to her home was last August when her own parents were in town. Even then the grandparents called dh and I to make the arrangements because they know how their daughter is. She never tries to see them on holidays (which is easier for us so I am not complaining). She rarely even buys them gifts for holidays/birthdays.

For a long time I tried to make her involved. I sent her texts and called her trying to arrange visitation and told her about the kids school/sporting events. In the 7 years I have been in my stepkids lives she has showed up to one event for each of them....thats it! I can't even count the number of times she has blown them off without even calling. And then there was the time where she moved out of state without even telling the kids she was moving. It was 10 months before she even bothered to call them. And then it was a lame excuse she gave.....she said she had no access to a phone for 10 months! LOL

What really bothers me is that everytime she does talk to the kids she makes these promises to them that she almost never follows through with. I think she says these things to ease her conscience and also to hear excitement in their voices so she feels like they like her.

What gets me is 2 things.
#1. I am so sick of this woman letting the kids down and then dh and I have to deal with their saddness, attitudes and moping.

#2 When she actually does see the kids it seriously makes me want to vomit when they come back talking about her like she is so wonderful! Once they really made a huge deal over how she cooked them dinner.....she made them frickin hot dogs! No side dishes....just boiled a hot dog for each of them. GRRR And here I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off with homework, activities, their friends, etc. But she boils a hot dog and is back up on her pedestal.

My sd went through years of making excuses for her mom. Only now is she finally starting to see through all the bs and realize whats really going on. I actually secretly hoped that this would come for years...but I always made sure not to give any imput into it. I never wanted to be the cause of a rift between her and her mom....I wanted her to figure it all out on her own. KWIM?

BM pays no child support and keeps managing to collect welfare benefits for the kids. We found out about that a few years ago and reported it to the fraud dept. several times. We got follow up calls twice and dh had to fax over copies of his custody paperwork. But she was never cut off! So she not only does not have to take care of the kids but she gets free money for not taking care of the kids.

I do love my stepkids, but their mom just gets under my skin so much. And I wish she would just stay away and leave us all alone completely instead of popping in and out. It seems like just as everything gets normal and everyone could care less about her she pops back in and stirs up emotion in the kids.

I feel better for letting this all out.

Feel free to comment!!!
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  #2  
April 30th, 2011, 07:21 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
Sounds so hard.

I have zero relationship with SD's BM - who is very hands off. I'm not sure what's worse - having a horrible BM who isn't around - or having a capable BM who is up your butt all of the time.

I just want you to know that your feelings are so valid. There is nothing you can do for those kids other than focus on doing the best job you can. Like you mentioned, the truth is coming to light and those kids will have to deal with it.

Very sad.
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  #3  
May 2nd, 2011, 09:21 AM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
Join Date: Oct 2004
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Welcome! As you know, we have full custody of my stepsons too and their mom doesn't see them as often as she's entitled to either. It sucks, but what can you do.

For us, I never promise that she's going to do something until it happens, ya know? No need to see them disappointed.
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  #4  
May 2nd, 2011, 10:33 AM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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Location: NYC
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Welcome and sorry she's like that.
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  #5  
May 2nd, 2011, 10:40 AM
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What a sad situation. So glad the kids have you in their lives. I wish I had some sage advice. Just echoing that your feelings are valid.
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  #6  
May 4th, 2011, 11:38 AM
mom2more's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Posts: 2,680
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel View Post
Welcome! As you know, we have full custody of my stepsons too and their mom doesn't see them as often as she's entitled to either. It sucks, but what can you do.

For us, I never promise that she's going to do something until it happens, ya know? No need to see them disappointed.
That is the thing. We don't tell them she will do anything. She tells them she will and then they tell us about it.
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  #7  
May 4th, 2011, 12:13 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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Ah, yes that is difficult. It sucks, but perhaps when they tell you what she's said, you could remind them that she doesn't always follow through on her promises. Just so they expect it, kwim?
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