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I am a member of a DDC on here and one of the girls on my DDC board told me about this board.
I am a full time stepmom to my 2 stepkids. Their mom lives closeby (as of now...but she changes residences often). She NEVER sees them unless she has family in town visiting or a big event for her other kids and wants to play mommy and show off all her kids for the day. The rest of the time she goes months without seeing or calling my stepkids. Last time she took them to her home was last August when her own parents were in town. Even then the grandparents called dh and I to make the arrangements because they know how their daughter is. She never tries to see them on holidays (which is easier for us so I am not complaining). She rarely even buys them gifts for holidays/birthdays.
For a long time I tried to make her involved. I sent her texts and called her trying to arrange visitation and told her about the kids school/sporting events. In the 7 years I have been in my stepkids lives she has showed up to one event for each of them....thats it! I can't even count the number of times she has blown them off without even calling. And then there was the time where she moved out of state without even telling the kids she was moving. It was 10 months before she even bothered to call them. And then it was a lame excuse she gave.....she said she had no access to a phone for 10 months! LOL
What really bothers me is that everytime she does talk to the kids she makes these promises to them that she almost never follows through with. I think she says these things to ease her conscience and also to hear excitement in their voices so she feels like they like her.
What gets me is 2 things.
#1. I am so sick of this woman letting the kids down and then dh and I have to deal with their saddness, attitudes and moping.
#2 When she actually does see the kids it seriously makes me want to vomit when they come back talking about her like she is so wonderful! Once they really made a huge deal over how she cooked them dinner.....she made them frickin hot dogs! No side dishes....just boiled a hot dog for each of them. GRRR And here I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off with homework, activities, their friends, etc. But she boils a hot dog and is back up on her pedestal.
My sd went through years of making excuses for her mom. Only now is she finally starting to see through all the bs and realize whats really going on. I actually secretly hoped that this would come for years...but I always made sure not to give any imput into it. I never wanted to be the cause of a rift between her and her mom....I wanted her to figure it all out on her own. KWIM?
BM pays no child support and keeps managing to collect welfare benefits for the kids. We found out about that a few years ago and reported it to the fraud dept. several times. We got follow up calls twice and dh had to fax over copies of his custody paperwork. But she was never cut off! So she not only does not have to take care of the kids but she gets free money for not taking care of the kids.
I do love my stepkids, but their mom just gets under my skin so much. And I wish she would just stay away and leave us all alone completely instead of popping in and out. It seems like just as everything gets normal and everyone could care less about her she pops back in and stirs up emotion in the kids.
I have zero relationship with SD's BM - who is very hands off. I'm not sure what's worse - having a horrible BM who isn't around - or having a capable BM who is up your butt all of the time.
I just want you to know that your feelings are so valid. There is nothing you can do for those kids other than focus on doing the best job you can. Like you mentioned, the truth is coming to light and those kids will have to deal with it.