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  #1  
May 17th, 2011, 10:16 AM
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  #2  
May 17th, 2011, 12:20 PM
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This is really an issue with you DH.

I mean, it's his ex-wife. Shouldn't he be coordinating these things with her? Also, given that he's responsible for the custody per the courts, it's up to him to go back to the courts and have the custody adjusted based on the new 50/50 situation.

What does he say?
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  #3  
May 17th, 2011, 12:44 PM
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Umm you might not like what I have to say but I'm going to say it anyway.

You married him and when you did you agreed to be there for him and his child if need be. I can understand it being bothersome, but you are the step parent and it is part of the parental role to feed, bathe, dress, and take the child to school. Also, you're husband isn't paying her to do those things, he's paying support to help support the child. She's the child's mother not babysitter, so you aren't paying her to do anything for that child.

Another thing, if your support is based off of split time, count your lucky stars that the mother doesn't go back to court and demand that your husband pay more in support for a more even split.


Sadly, when we marry someone with kids from a previous relationship, we are agreeing to a heck of a lot more than the normal couple with no kids from the past. And that included taking care of his and her child along with your own two if need be.
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  #4  
May 17th, 2011, 01:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
Another thing, if your support is based off of split time, count your lucky stars that the mother doesn't go back to court and demand that your husband pay more in support for a more even split.
I'm confused by this. The OP says they had the kid 30% of the time and pay child support paid based on this. Now they have the child 50% of the time. How would that equate to more support? Her DH has the child more now - thus paying more out of pocket with the child at his home. Why would he owe BM more cash when the amount of time with the child has dropped on her end - and increased on his end?

I'm all for child support - but not when custody has changed. It should be fair based on the time the child is with each family.

Last edited by katiemama; May 17th, 2011 at 01:23 PM.
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  #5  
May 17th, 2011, 01:48 PM
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  #6  
May 17th, 2011, 02:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katiemama View Post
I'm confused by this. The OP says they had the kid 30% of the time and pay child support paid based on this. Now they have the child 50% of the time. How would that equate to more support? Her DH has the child more now - thus paying more out of pocket with the child at his home. Why would he owe BM more cash when the amount of time with the child has dropped on her end - and increased on his end?

I'm all for child support - but not when custody has changed. It should be fair based on the time the child is with each family.
Because if you go by it, he's paying only 30%, if I read that correctly. I could have misunderstood and he could be paying 70% of the support. But if he's only paying 30%, then it can very well be raised.

ETA: I see I misunderstood, I take back that comment, my bad. Also, now I see where you're coming from and understand better. In that case, you need to speak up. Not to biomom but to your DH. Let him know that you don't feel right doing these parental things since you were never allowed to play the parent before.
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Last edited by K.A.T; May 17th, 2011 at 02:11 PM.
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  #7  
May 17th, 2011, 02:39 PM
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Honestly, this sounds more like your relationship with DH and him wanting his cake and eating it too. You aren't the "real mom" but you are expected to do everything a real mom does without the support.

He needs to find his cajones and manage the relationship with BM. And unfortunately, that will include YOU finding yours and throwing down some boundaries with him.

I don't correspond with BM at ALL. Not my ex, not my problem. I love my SD and I treat her as my own, but that's a gift - it's not a requirement. I offer help because I love her and I love him - but at any point where I feel taken for granted, I go into "Not My Kid, Not My Problem" mode and it gets fixed REAL fast.

Sounds like you need a coming to Jesus talk with DH and start asserting yourself, sister. It's scary - but otherwise, your resentment is going to grow and grow - making yourself miserable and effecting your marriage in the long term.

It's his ex taking advantage of you - and he allows it.
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  #8  
May 18th, 2011, 09:47 AM
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Even after reading your explanation, I still agree with K.A.T.'s first reply. Whether you are supported in the role or not, you are a 2nd mother to the child. As such, when the child is in your home it is expected that you would do the mothering things. It sucks major butt that he's not supporting you in a parenting role, but that's between you and him. Not you and the child or BM. I really hope that it gets better for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AndreaRenee View Post
This isn't the first time she does stuff like this... she schedules dance class, acting class, dr appts etc when they work for her schedule and then directs US when to pick up/drop off even if its inconvenient to what we having going on. I feel that if the daughter will be enrolled in a class that we will be doing driving to and from, WE should be picking the day/time. The ex is just hyper controlling about all this kind of stuff. She feels she has every right to just make these decisions and doesn't seem to care at all how it affects us.
OH! MY! GOODNESS! I totally relate to this!!!!!! Sadly there is nothing you can do about it. Though you might have more options than we had because of the different kind of custody arrangement. We were told though that if the sport, class, etc was outside of school we would be within our rights to refuse to take if there was a conflict (like work or prior commitments) but we'd potentially have to answer to a judge about it later. If the class, sport, whatever what through the school, Hubby was told he could potentially lose what little he had if he didn't take SS.

Good luck though. With the whole shebang.
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  #9  
May 18th, 2011, 10:06 AM
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  #10  
May 18th, 2011, 10:31 AM
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I totally agree that you should open a child into your home - and when you married DH, the children were a package deal. However, when he married YOU, he promised to support his wife. This is not supporting his wife.

You are the lady of the house and should be treated with respect. You are NOT a babysitting service. Picking up his child is a favor, not a requirement. In order to be treated with respect, you have to command it. My question is, are you willing to discuss this with DH and get some boundaries down? BM is not your ex-wife. Just because she's the mother of your step child does NOT mean she can dictate what happens in your home.

Boundaries. Respect. All of it.

I see you projecting all of this onto BM - but the reality is, this isn't her. It's you and your husband. You have allowed her to demand such - and so she does. You teach people how to treat you.

I hope you can find a resolution to this. Stand up for yourself.

Last edited by katiemama; May 18th, 2011 at 10:34 AM.
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  #11  
May 18th, 2011, 03:25 PM
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What Katie said.
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  #12  
May 20th, 2011, 12:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AndreaRenee View Post
if it weren't for her schedule with her job, she would be taking care of her normal responsibilities as the childs mother. But she is now asking ME to take over her responsibilities and to me thats wrong. Ultimately SHE is the mother, not me.

So to say that I should act as her "mother"... no, I am not the mother. If I were, I would arrange my work schedule so that I'm not having to drop my child off some place each morning, I would pick convenient day/times for classes etc. If anything she's using ME as a babysitter.

Wow. Just Wow. As a working mother, I am completely offend by these statements on so many levels.

It must be so nice for you to have the privelage of being a sahm and sit back and judge working moms. Also to be so clueless that you think work schedules can be made to accommodate childcare. If the job starts at 8 honey, it starts at 8 whether it's convienent for you or not. I struggle with childcare issues all the time & don't have the luxury of changing my work schedule.

Sorry, you don't have to like it but this is your dh's CHILD. Not someone using him as a babysitter. It's HIS responsibility to care for this child as much as the bio mom's. And if he's off working hard so you get to be at home with your children all day then I can't see why it's an issue to step up.

So you signed up for a 30-50% of the time. Did you ever consider what would happen if bio mom were to die? Then you'd have her 100% of the time. That's reality. Life changes & you don't always have control of that.
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  #13  
May 20th, 2011, 12:23 PM
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I didn't hear any judgement of a working mom (I am a working stepmom with a baby on the way). I heard a stepmom being taken for granted. Timewise, financially, the whole bit.

My SO's child is not my child - although I treat her as such and love her like my own. However, I'm consistently reminded almost daily that I am NOT her mother (by BM, by society, etc.). Boundaries are incredibly important in these situations - as they are in any relationship. And a lack of respect and boundaries breeds resentment - that bleeds into both the marriage and the relationship with the step children as they grow.

This is far more complicated than "you signed up to be a step mom so suck it up." Far more. As you well know given your posts about being in situations related to your DH's ex (wasn't sure if you were a stepmom, so looked that up).

Of course if the BM died the stepmom would have 100% of custody. She would also have the opportunity to adopt the child and have 100% parental rights of the child. Co-parenting with another party outside of the home would hardly be an issue. As being demaned when and how to pick up the child by BM would no longer be an issue.

Apparently, this BM never learned the term "you get more bees with honey." And she's not about to if DH doesn't handle this situation properly. If the OP jumps in and tries, she's the crazy, angry stepmom. It's a no win situation without the husband's support. A true and real issue.

Last edited by katiemama; May 20th, 2011 at 12:31 PM.
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  #14  
May 21st, 2011, 07:59 AM
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All of this situation reminds me so much of the one that I'm in. Stepmom's are constantly in a no win situation. If you don't want to take over the responsibility as the parent, then you're selfish, but on the other hand, if you step it up and take on the role of a "real parent", then you're overstepping your boundaries.

I also didn't hear any judgment of a working mom. I have been a SAHM, I've worked full time and I've worked part time. At times, all three of those can be difficult when it comes to raising kids. I don't think her point was that working mom's should be able to just magically get the dream schedule they want just because they have kids, but that if your schedule does not permit you to be there in the mornings, then it becomes your resposibilty as the mother, to create arrangements that don't necessarily rely on your ex and their SO. When I do work, I don't expect anyone but me to set up my childcare, so why should a woman expect her ex's SO to drop everything just to take care of her child?

I do agree that when you choose to be with someone that has kids from a previous relationship, that you should be understanding to the fact that he does have responsibilities to his children and also to a certain extent to his ex. But that being said, that should not turn you into a doormat or some sort of free babysitter.
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  #15  
May 21st, 2011, 01:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AndreaRenee View Post
if it weren't for her schedule with her job, she would be taking care of her normal responsibilities as the childs mother

I find this offensive. You don't have to but I do. Ummm normal responsibilities????? Like food, shelter & clothing? That takes money & for some of us that takes a job.

I'm entitled to my opinion.
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  #16  
May 21st, 2011, 02:35 PM
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Each of us are all entitled to our own opinions, but at the same time, I think we should all try to look at things from the other side of the spectrum sometimes.

As far as what falls under normal responsibilities, that would also include providing childcare for your children while you are at work. What if both parents work and there is no-one to at home to care for the child, then it would be the responsiblity of the parent who happens to have custody at that particular time of time or day of the week to make arrangements for someone to care for that child or children.

I find that too many times that if you are a stepparent and choose to stay home with your own children, that you are automatically become the primary caregiver to your stepchildren. If this is an agreement between all parties involved, that is one thing, but when it is assumed that you want this extra responsibility without even the decency of asking, then it becomes a problem.
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  #17  
May 22nd, 2011, 10:36 PM
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  #18  
May 23rd, 2011, 08:48 AM
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WOW I truly have no nice words right now...so I'll just keep quiet.
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  #19  
May 23rd, 2011, 11:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
WOW I truly have no nice words right now...so I'll just keep quiet.

Yup me too!
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  #20  
May 23rd, 2011, 11:40 AM
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Just have to say (can't keep my mouth shut)

I feel so very sad for you. So much anger towards your mother, sd, dh's ex and probably dh. Just so much anger. It's so sad.

I hope for your sake that your perfect life continues. That your dh doesn't die or leave you. 'Cause reality bites.
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