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So I have a 6 year old to my ex husband who I'm great friends with. I love his family still and we all talk often and get along great. I'm engaged and pregnant now. My daughter finally asked the new guy's parents why the new baby will get to call them grandma/grandpa and not her. =/ Poor thing's so confused. She also asked why the baby will have a different last name than her. I feel bad now!! I almost don't want to change my name after I get married so she won't be the only one. =/
I would talked to your fiance and his family about their feelings toward your daughter calling them grandma/grandpa. They may not have an issue with it and it would help your daughter not feel so left out. My DSS refers to all members of my family the same way my DD does, but my family members are all fine with it. Your fiance's family may not necessarily feel that way, which is fine, but it's just something that needs discussed.
As far as the name change, that is a persanal decision. There's no law saying that you have to change it if you don't want to. Would it be at all possible to use some sort of hyphenation in your name? I know traditionally it's your maiden and current married name that is combined, but if your fiance is fine with it and it would give you that name connection with your daughter, then I don't see the harm in doing something a little less conventional to help your daughter not feel out of the loop.
My stepsons call my parents Grandma and Grandpa at my parent's request. The only person who had issues with this was my niece, who was 13 at the time. She didn't understand it because her step-dad's parents were "Mr. so and so and Ms. so and so" to her since she was 5 years old. She didn't understand how my parents could just accept them as their own without question.
Sounds confusing -- I understand. My step daughter doesn't know what to call my mother and sister/brother. She already has a grandma and aunts - she hasn't bought into how these "new people" can be her grandma/relatives too.
It's hard. Another minefield of the blended family. I hope you can figure out what works best for your family. Good luck!
I know your pain. I was fortunate that my mil came out & told my dd "you can call me grandma too"
The name thing was a challenge for us too. She always felt the odd man out. My only suggestions are to reassure her that it's just a last name & that her daddy will always have that name. (mine was trickier because bio dad wasn't in the picture much). Also let her know that just because the new baby shares your lastname it doesn't mean you the baby anymore.