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  #1  
June 2nd, 2011, 11:44 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 772
Without boring all you with the details I'll get to the point...at some point coming up fairly soon I'm going to be asking my bf to marry me...just waiting to get the rings from my parents (they are helping us with them until we can afford something else). If I wait for him to do it our new baby will be 18 (haha) so I'm going to do it, my question is do you think I need to tell the kids mom (his ex) before I do it or just do it and don't worry about it? I'm not concerned with what she said..her and I get along great so far, I've had no problems with her...I'm thinking of doing it more out of respect I guess then anything. For those of you married, did you tell the ex first or just not worry about it.
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  #2  
June 2nd, 2011, 12:11 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,032
My BF and I aren't married, but IMO I think it really depends on your relationship with the ex. Since the two of you seem to get along well, I think it would be a good thing to talk to her for the kids' sake more so than hers. If kids weren't involved, I would see that you two getting married is none of her business, but since that is not the case, it would be good for the two of you to have a conversation regarding the kids and how you want to tell them and what it's going to mean for them and what not.

On the other hand, if you don't feel comfortable talking to her one on one, this same conversation can be had with your BF after you pop the question and the three of you can sit down together.

It all comes down to how comfortable you are talking one on one with this woman and what your relationship with her is like. If she is someone that you feel you can talk to, then by all means fill her in before hand, but if you feel the need of support from your BF, then I don't see what it would hurt to wait until all three of you can have the conversation together.
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  #3  
June 2nd, 2011, 12:17 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3
I'm new here, but I do think that honesty is the best advice. My X and I have a very good relationship, so we find there are little arguments that way!
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  #4  
June 2nd, 2011, 12:20 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 772
corbin, the oldest, he's 10 i guess has been asking his dad if we are getting married and his dad asked him if it would be ok if we did some day and he said yes so I think the subject is on everyone's mind lol! but i'll talk to her, thanks
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  #5  
June 2nd, 2011, 12:24 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NYC
Posts: 13,499
Honestly, it's between you and your BF, not the ex. If you want to talk to her first because you think it's the right thing to do, then do it. But I wouldn't if I were in your shoes.

I see things this way. My relationship with my husband in ours and our alone. No one else is in the middle of it, therefore, no one else needs to give me their respect/opinion/blessing for anything we want to do as a couple.
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  #6  
June 2nd, 2011, 02:07 PM
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Yep. I think talking to the ex about it is a boundary violation.

Get engaged first, then talk to folks about it.

May I ask what your motivation is to talk about it with the ex?
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  #7  
June 2nd, 2011, 03:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
Honestly, it's between you and your BF, not the ex. If you want to talk to her first because you think it's the right thing to do, then do it. But I wouldn't if I were in your shoes.

I see things this way. My relationship with my husband in ours and our alone. No one else is in the middle of it, therefore, no one else needs to give me their respect/opinion/blessing for anything we want to do as a couple.
I agree! It's really not like you need her approval or anything. I think talking with the kids about it after you have a commitment is fine, but asking the ex is a little OTT.
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  #8  
June 2nd, 2011, 05:03 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 8,998
I agree - get engaged & then have your bf inform her afterwards. That's what my dh did with his ex. He wanted her to know so that if the kids had issues or concerns (which his oldest did) she would be prepared to handle them. We are of the belief that if it affects the kids then bio mom needs to know at some point. It's only fair.
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  #9  
June 2nd, 2011, 05:06 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 772
Quote:
Originally Posted by katiemama View Post
Yep. I think talking to the ex about it is a boundary violation.

Get engaged first, then talk to folks about it.

May I ask what your motivation is to talk about it with the ex?

I guess talking to her is to more reassure her i guess that im not going anywhere and I will be around forever. She's an ex, I dislike what she did to my bf and the way she treated him but I don't hate her as a person if that makes sense. I know it sounds like I"m defending her..like my bf said if she didn't do what she did we wouldn't finally be together. And I guess part of it is how I was raised to.
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  #10  
June 3rd, 2011, 09:33 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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It sounds, again, like a boundary issue. She is not your ex. You are not responsible for her feelings and it isn't really your role to reassure her. They are broken up. The only responsibility that is appropriate is one the relates to coparenting...
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