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  #1  
June 2nd, 2011, 10:23 PM
alyashlyn's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Arizona
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Tomorrow night I drop my stepson off with his mother and I so badly want to talk to her about a major issue with her son. He's going to be 2 in August and the child only says 3-4 real words, I took him to the pediatrician a few months ago and I was told that he's developmentally delayed and should be saying at least 10 words and that was at 18 months. He babbles a lot but none of it even resembles real words. I work with him all the time trying to get him to talk and he just isn't getting it. He still cries for what he wants and when he does I wont give it to him.

I don't know how she parents but I have a feeling that she gives him what he wants when he cries for it so he sees no reason to learn to talk but I really don't know. I want to talk to her about this since it really is a huge problem not only for him but for me as well it's frustrating for the both of us. I don't see the point in working so hard with this child just to have it all undone when she gets him. I'm looking into speech therapy for him but if she's not willing to do her part it's not going to do much. Since her and my husband are unable to civilly communicate with each other I feel like I have to talk to her about this. I really don't know if I have any grounds to do so though and I really don't know how to approach the issue with her. The problem is that she is mentally ill and truly, in her heart believes that she knows more about everything than anyone else, she really lacks all understanding of logic and reason. So what should be just a conversation about her child's development, will turn into her becoming defensive and feeling that her all knowing parenting skills are being attacked by little old me who in her mind knows nothing about parenting.

Do I even bring it up because I know it will not go over well with her or do I just continue to do what I can here and watch this child fall further and further behind.
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  #2  
June 3rd, 2011, 11:09 AM
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I don't know. 1st I think it's really up to your dh to talk to her about their child unless of course you have a really good relationship with bio mom.

2nd I wouldn't be too sure he's developmentally delayed because he isn't talking much at 2. My son only said about 3-4 workds at 2 too. He really didn't talk much until he was 4 - then had word explosions. It's not uncommon for a boy. Your dh may want to have him more thoroughly examined before raising any alarms. A 20 minute ped vision isn't really enought to determine. The ped is just saying what the average kid can do. My son was never delayed & is actually very, very smart.
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  #3  
June 3rd, 2011, 11:14 AM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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I don't see how you can not bring it up, but I'm not sure I'd want to do it face to face if she is that unstable. Perhaps a letter or email would be a better approach?
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  #4  
June 3rd, 2011, 12:32 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
I don't know. 1st I think it's really up to your dh to talk to her about their child unless of course you have a really good relationship with bio mom.

2nd I wouldn't be too sure he's developmentally delayed because he isn't talking much at 2. My son only said about 3-4 workds at 2 too. He really didn't talk much until he was 4 - then had word explosions. It's not uncommon for a boy. Your dh may want to have him more thoroughly examined before raising any alarms. A 20 minute ped vision isn't really enought to determine. The ped is just saying what the average kid can do. My son was never delayed & is actually very, very smart.
This. I know you're step mom and care for the child, however, this really isn't your place. It's more of your husbands place to speak to her about it. I know when Doni had issues and I suspected them, I just let DH know and he proceeded to speak to BM about it.
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  #5  
June 3rd, 2011, 06:25 PM
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I disagree with some of the others. It absolutely is your place.

I also disagree that shouldn't assume that delayed. First reason for this is because the doctor went to school for a lot of years to get the knowledge to determine if a child is on the right path, developmentally, or not. Second reason is because I was told the same thing (oh don't worry about it) when my son didn't talk by age 2 and I found out when he was 4 that he has Asperger's Syndrome. Not saying that your stepchild has ASD (autism spectrum disorder) but it's a consideration. Finally my reason is that early intervention is most effective. I ignored the nay-sayers and put my son, at age 2, in speech therapy which he remained in for 6 years. They taught him to talk through baby sign language. It worked WONDERS!!!!!!! He remained in speech therapy so he could speak properly. Once he was being taught sign it was under a year before we noticed him speaking words as he should.

If you husband has custody then the two of you should get him evaluated and, if it's deemed necessary, put him in a preschool for speech therapy (mrdd preschool is typically free when there is a disability). It will work wonders!!! If you don't have custody, it needs discussed with BM and if she refuses to do anything about it, my opinion is this matter is important enough to take before a judge.
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  #6  
June 3rd, 2011, 08:20 PM
Turtlesong's Avatar Veteran
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I'm not sure of your custody situation. Do you guys have the child most of the time or does the mother? I do think that would be your husband's place to discuss this though. It doesn't really matter what you say to her in my opinion though. If she has issues, then she's going to refuse to do what she needs to do regarding the child's speech therapy just as a power thing. Possibly not, but I infer from the way that you talked about it that is what you think would happen. If you think that truely, I'd do what you can for the child while he's with you. I'm guessing that yall have custody if you're taking him to doctor appointments. Do what you can on your side and know that you are doing your best. My son spoke very little at 2 but by close to 3 he was talking nonstop. It can be a sign of issues though so I'm not telling you not to worry. It's just my take on how to handle it though. You know the child, the ex, and what your hubby may or may not do in the ensuing drama.
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  #7  
June 3rd, 2011, 10:30 PM
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Depends on so many variables. I tend to leave the big stuff to DH. What is your relationship with BM?
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  #8  
June 3rd, 2011, 11:07 PM
alyashlyn's Avatar Veteran
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Location: Arizona
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So this is a tough one. I already dropped him off and I didn't say a word. I think the best way to approach this is to take him to a specialist and get him evaluated. If it's determined that he's delayed in any way and would benefit from therapy I could get that in writing from a doctor with a phd and I'll have my husband email it to bio mom. I think that even if he may just be late talker there's nothing wrong with helping him out just in case it's more than that and he actually has a problem. I know some kids do talk much later than average but I'm a "better safe than sorry" type of person.

My husband was given custody of the child in January after mom was committed while her son was in her care. It was temporary orders but its unlikely that will be reversed at the final custody hearing in August. My step-son lives with us two weeks at a time and with her two weeks at a time so it's split 50/50 that could change in August too - although unlikely. Because of the custody battle, my husband and bio mom absolutely can not communicate with each other without being nasty, its actually really pathetic but its how it is. I asked my husband to say something to her about this and he won't he doesn't believe it will do anything except cause issues. I offered to and he said I could but it wouldn't do anything except piss her off.

I know I don't have any legal rights to this child but in reality bio mom and myself are the only two in both of the households that communicate. We get along just fine, we of course only talk twice a month but she's always nice and so am I.

Hopefully this will work. Thanks everyone for your input, it's hard to figure out where I stand in all of this.
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  #9  
June 4th, 2011, 06:00 PM
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If you have primary custody, it is fully in your right to get the child checked out. I would do so. If you feel you need to inform BM, that's wonderful and very kind of you. But from your initial post, it sounds like she doesn't buy into there being a possible problem. Good luck to you!
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  #10  
June 5th, 2011, 01:52 PM
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If your DH refuses to talk to her, then it may be up to you to do so. Someone needs to put pettyness aside and do what's best for the child.

That being said, I would do more checking into it before jumping the gun on this issue. It sounds like BM isn't going to be reasonable with you and there's no need to cause conflict if there really is no problem. Make more appointments with specialist in this field and go from there. Hopefully you will find out that there's nothing wrong, but in case there is, the earlier intervention the better.

Another factor to look at is that the situation that he's in. It sounds like there has been quite a bit of instability in his life, which could cause delays. My DSS has had so much instability in his life and struggles so much with confidence that he has trouble doing things that other kids his age do. It was like he was afraid to try anything new because he was so afraid. Preschool and socialization worked wonders with him.
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  #11  
June 6th, 2011, 12:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2princes2princesses View Post
I disagree with some of the others. It absolutely is your place.

I also disagree that shouldn't assume that delayed. First reason for this is because the doctor went to school for a lot of years to get the knowledge to determine if a child is on the right path, developmentally, or not. Second reason is because I was told the same thing (oh don't worry about it) when my son didn't talk by age 2 and I found out when he was 4 that he has Asperger's Syndrome. Not saying that your stepchild has ASD (autism spectrum disorder) but it's a consideration. Finally my reason is that early intervention is most effective. I ignored the nay-sayers and put my son, at age 2, in speech therapy which he remained in for 6 years. They taught him to talk through baby sign language. It worked WONDERS!!!!!!! He remained in speech therapy so he could speak properly. Once he was being taught sign it was under a year before we noticed him speaking words as he should.

If you husband has custody then the two of you should get him evaluated and, if it's deemed necessary, put him in a preschool for speech therapy (mrdd preschool is typically free when there is a disability). It will work wonders!!! If you don't have custody, it needs discussed with BM and if she refuses to do anything about it, my opinion is this matter is important enough to take before a judge.
I assume that you had more signs than just speach. My bff's son is autistic and it was much more than his speech. She had to fight as well and didn't offically get him diagnosed until he was 6.

I was just saying don't assume because there is a "speach delay" that it's more. Not that they shouldn't get it checked further. So many people today are so worried about hitting milestones, I think a lot of people jump the gun too. (not saying she is btw - just saying parents can get overly concerned). My dd didn't walk until she was 15 months old - didn't even stand until then. Even strangers were expressing their "concern" - well guess what she's 9 now & a gifted dancer - no physical issues whatsoever. My son who didn't talk until he was 3 is highly intelligent. A ped probably would have called him delayed.

It's so hard to tell and I do agree it's good to get it checked out. I just wouldn't get too worried about it until there's further evaluation.
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  #12  
June 7th, 2011, 02:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
I assume that you had more signs than just speach. My bff's son is autistic and it was much more than his speech. She had to fight as well and didn't offically get him diagnosed until he was 6.

I was just saying don't assume because there is a "speach delay" that it's more. Not that they shouldn't get it checked further. So many people today are so worried about hitting milestones, I think a lot of people jump the gun too. (not saying she is btw - just saying parents can get overly concerned). My dd didn't walk until she was 15 months old - didn't even stand until then. Even strangers were expressing their "concern" - well guess what she's 9 now & a gifted dancer - no physical issues whatsoever. My son who didn't talk until he was 3 is highly intelligent. A ped probably would have called him delayed.

It's so hard to tell and I do agree it's good to get it checked out. I just wouldn't get too worried about it until there's further evaluation.

Well yeah, by the time we got him diagnosed there was more signs than just speech. It was just the only one I saw when he was a baby. I didn't know anything about Autism at the time. I just knew my baby wasn't talking as he should. It wasn't til a really good friend of mine was going through the Autism diagnosis with her son that I realized the signs with mine. She'd talk about things her son did or didn't do and it was things my son did or didn't do when he was friend's son's age (my son is about a year & a half older) His first diagnosis was Apraxia (however it's spelled).

I wasn't trying to put words in anyone's mouths with my first comment. I was just expressing that even if you don't think there is a problem, it's best to have a specialist take a look just in case.
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