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My stepdaughter has referred to her Mom as her "real Mom" before and it did hurt. Her Mom moved away when she was 16 mths old and at most would see her for like one or two days a year till she moved back when DSD was 7 years old. Since then it's overnight every 3 months or so. That was several months after we married and she'd asked me if she could call me Mom. Most of the time she referrs to her as "Courtney Mom" but she was upset that day and talking about her when she said that. I try not to take it personally. Especially considering she makes me the Mother's Day cards and stuff
I know exactly what you mean. I HATE those terms. Meyson's BM refers to herself as his "real mom" all the time and it irritates me to know end, especially when she's using it to throw it in my face that I'm not his mom.
A recent example was around Mother's Day. Meyson's preschool was having a Mother's Day tea on the Friday before Mother's Day and since she has had no interest whatsoever in his school before then, I didn't think anything of it when I planned to go. I had been the one getting him up in the mornings, driving him to school, and participating in every other function so nobody thought that she would even want to go. Turns out, we were wrong. The morning of the tea, I dropped Meyson off and then hung around town, just killing time, because the mom's weren't supposed to be there for a couple hours. I was even dressed nicer than normal, not like a formal gown or anything, but when usually I'm in t-shirt and jeans, a pair of khaki's and a cute sweater is dressing nice. Well while I'm browsing a couple stores, my BF calls me and informs me that Meyson's BM is going to that tea because in her words, she's the one that's his "real mom". Not that I really care that she feels the need to make an appearance one day out of the year to his school, but give someone a head's up the night before and there's no need for the "real mom" low blow.
Out of the blue he looks at me and says "I have 2 moms. so ____ is my real mom and you are my stepmom right?"
I seriously wanted to cry because I felt like he was saying I'm a fake mom or something. His mom has almost nothing to do with him and I have raised him since right before his 3rd bday and he is almost 9! In that time I can probably count on my hands how many times his mom has seen him.
My hubby was right there and said to ss that ____ is the mo who gave birth to you and mom2emall is the mom who takes care of you.
I know that shouldn't hurt my feelings, and he did not mean anything by it, but for some reason it did.
I think kids just don't get it. My dd says this about dh but it isn't out of defiance. It's just she equates "real" with bio. Dh is her dad in every way including legally since he adopted her. But in her head bio dad is still real. She doesn't mean it to be mean or even to favor him. She hasn't seen him or spoken to him in 4 years.
I know it would hurt me too if I were in that situation. We have little contact with dh's dds so I never have nor ever will play the caretake role. With dsd, I'm more of the cool aunt.