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Ticked!!! That's the only unfoul word I can use!


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  #1  
June 5th, 2011, 03:42 PM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
Join Date: May 2011
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I asked dh to go furniture shopping w me.
The only kid at home today is sd8.
He ASKS sd8 if she wants to go and she says no so he seriously tells me to go alone!
Wth!!! Who is the wife?
Are you kidding me?
I rolled out mad as I could be and I will NOT buy a couch for this house. Living room can stay empty.
Next time sd8 asks me to take her somewhere she wants to go I will say, "no don't feel like it and I'm not letting dad take u either. I want him home w me".
That will be the end of it.

So bc sd8 doesn't want to get out of the house, I can't have my husband w me to look at furniture?
We have been putting this off for a month.
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  #2  
June 5th, 2011, 05:09 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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Well, I would be irritated with the DH, but I certainly wouldn't take it out on the step daughter. She's just a child and she probably didn't know the ramifications of her saying she didn't want to go. He asked, she answered. I guess, I'm not sure why you're ticked at the girl?
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  #3  
June 5th, 2011, 06:46 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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I understand being pissed off, I would be too. But it kinda sounds like misplaced anger. Sorry.
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  #4  
June 6th, 2011, 06:56 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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I agree. Your hubby is the adult and he's the one you should be mad at. Even if you SD was trying to keep her dad to herself, she's still the child.
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  #5  
June 6th, 2011, 07:57 AM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
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Because she ALWAYS says She doesn't want to go anywhere and throws a fit if we "make" her. So now he avoids taking her anywhere.
She has a habit of doing "baby talk" and "baby fits" all the time.
She uses her "I don't get to see my daddy" line ALL the time and guilts him into doing things like this. She's 8 but is very manipulative.
Yesterday dh and I argued about something and she seemed to instigate it further by saying "it's her hormones, they get out of control when you're pregnant".

We also were having a convo about the kitchen being messy. (I've been having severe nausea and haven't been able to do much cleaning especially around food).
Dh says to me something about me not cleaning.
I say "well the last time I checked these weren't my messes, I haven't even eaten here in 3 days".
Sd8 chimes in with " well they aren't ALL your messes. But technically some are". Um. 92.85% of the food prepared is for sd8.
she is pushing my buttons.


Dh got upset with bd5 night before last bc we went out to eat and bd5 didn't eat her food.
Sd8 refused to eat her soup last night and just like w bd5 I refused to give her anything else. Dh didn't like that.
He says I show favoritism. My rules are the same across the board.
I'd NEVER let my kids dictate rather or not WE go somewhere.
If dh and I want to go, the kids go. Period.

Lately it's seeming to Be like he's catering to everything she wants.

Her mom is getting divorced from her current husband and we have sd8 full time for idk how long. So idk if he's going through the whole "feel sorry for the kid of divorce" stage again or what.

So I guess it's not just that event yesterday that upset me toward her. It's the past few days. And prob my hormones too.
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  #6  
June 6th, 2011, 10:25 AM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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I thought the kids didn't know you were pregnant?!

Anyway, still your husband should take control of the situation. Your anger should be directed at him, not the child. If she is manipulating him, he's allowing himself to be manipulated. Sounds like y'all need some serious family counseling.
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  #7  
June 6th, 2011, 10:32 AM
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Exactly. As irritating as she may be to you right now, she is still the child and children do what works. You need to sit down and have a long talk with your DH, one-on-one no kids involved, about setting boundaries with her as well as parenting in general. If you continue to hold onto this resentment toward your DSD, it's only going to generate more conflict between you and her as well as you and your DH.
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  #8  
June 6th, 2011, 11:11 AM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
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Yeah SD8 was eavesdropping on a phone call I had with her BM. (who I am pretty close friends with).
She found out about the PG that way. THen she proceeded to tell my niece. WHo told her brother, who told her cousin and eventually went full circle. This even AFTER her mom told her she absolutely could NOT tell anyone. So...I digress.
We HAD to tell them all bc of this. I wasnt happy about that. But it is what it is.
SD did get in a lot of trouble for eaves dropping.

Yes I am fully aware that DH is the main issue here. However...sd8's mom and I both have discussed this with sd8 and with dh. Oddly enough the BM will side with me WAY before siding with SD or DH on anything to do with SD bc she too deals w the same crap at her house. SHe knows how she is.
SD8 doesnt ever try anything with me when DH is not around. In fact shes usually VERY good with me and very loving etc. when we are alone or w just me and the kids.
She spends 90% of her time with us, with ME. I am her primary caregiver when she is in our home. We are dealing with the issue right now that she DOES NOT want to share her dad with anyone anytime he is home. I do understand some of it. And I always encourage him to go do "some" stuff alone with her every other week at least.
(movies, lunch date, shopping for stuff we need, etc.)

Some background here. SD8s BM had some "issues' when SD was about 2. BM left and dad got full custody of SD. He absolutely spoiled her ROTTEN. Rotten to the extent that NONE of the family could deal with her. AT ALL. When I say rotten, I mean SD8 had a toy allowance of $2k per month when she was age 3 through 5. You read right. I said $2k per MONTH on TOYS.
Fast forward to when SD starts school. BM had gotten her stuff together. SO DH allowed SD to move back to the other state with BM. BM went through 2 years of counseling w SD to reverse the damage from her leaving sd and to reverse all the spolied behavior DH instilled on SD.

DH and I meet last year. He hadnt seen SD in a year due to them living in diff states.
BM got to know me. SHe allowed ME to take SD to see DH in the other state. (8 hrs away) and *I* was the only reason DH was even able to start seeing SD regularly.
I solely drove or flew her back and forth all the time.
The spoiling started again and BM told DH that if he was going to do this, SD couldnt come.
BM now has custody of SD. And the ONLY reason SD comes to see DH is bc BM trusts that *I* keep the spoiling under control. ( i treat her same as my kids)
Otherwise DH wouldnt get SD much bc 1-he works a lot. and 2- bm knows if DH has SD for extended period of time, he lets her get extremely spoiled and out of control.

I am totally in the middle here. I hate it. SD does KNOW exactly what shes doing when she starts an argument between us. I have HEARD her telling her cousins she does it on purpose.
She is WAY too smart.
We dont have this problem with ANY of the other kids. He has a 17 year old son that he doesnt do this way. and he lives with us. BUT he DID treat that kid the same way growing up. and that kid is ABSOLUTELY out of control. been arrested, into drugs, and into EVERYTHING that he shouldnt be.
I've tried connecting the dots for DH and it doesnt work. He gets offensive.
As I mentioned in the post, the BM is getting divorced now after having been with this guy for like 4 years. (they married a while after she left DH and now they are divorcing)
I didnt want SD being in the middle of the separation and divorce and I knew BM and step dad were fighting a lot etc. so I asked BM just to leave SD8 with us until she got everything settled out. (because I thought that was better on sd8)
Since BM and I are close friends, she was fine with that and brought a suit case of clothes and let her stay. (we are now all living in the same state anyway)
Ok...so my goal here was to make live easier on SD8 bc I didnt want her being affected by BMs divorce. DH never once thought of that or suggested it. It was me who got on the phone w BM and asked to keep her and then I told DH about it.
(there was a blow up at BM's house and I could not just send SD8 over there in middle of it)
so i guess it bothers me that I am ALWAYS the one doing EVERYTHING for this child and the only person she sees hung the moon is "daddy" and then proceeds to make my life hell on certain days.
but yes I am aware DH is a lot of the problem here. I just know that SD8 also does some things on purpose (as ive heard her say) and that infuriates me.
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  #9  
June 6th, 2011, 11:21 AM
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Kids will do what their parents allow. If they get away with certain bad behaviors - they'll continue to do it.

Sorry your in such a bad place with your DH not on board. I agree with the others, she's just 8 (my dd is 8) she may be trying to push your buttons but that's what kids do.
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  #10  
June 6th, 2011, 12:15 PM
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Would your DH be open to the idea of setting aside certain times or days when he and your DSD have time alone?

I used to have the same issue with my BF and my DSS. He used to spoil him all the time, let him do whatever he wanted, and had no disipline. He felt guilty because DSS came from a "broken home". Like in your situation, DSS would behave beautifully for me and gained a lot of independence and was a completely different and better kid, IMO. When his dad walked into the house, totally different story, he was a Jeckel (sp) & Hyde kid.

I finally had enough and sat my BF down and had a long talk with him about all this. We came up with a plan to set aside specific times and days that my DSS would get alone time with his dad to get to do whatever he wanted, whether it be going fishing, playing with a certain toy together, or building something together (BF is really into woodworking). And when my daughter was born and got a lil bit older, we incooperated her in. Now we both have "dates" with both of the kids when each of them get alone time with each of them. My parents also do this with them. Sometimes just my DD will get to go to their house and then DSS gets a turn.

This hasn't cured all the issues with my BF letting my DSS get away with this because he has issues with disiplining both of the kids. It has gotten tons better though.
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  #11  
June 6th, 2011, 01:48 PM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AMiner86 View Post
Would your DH be open to the idea of setting aside certain times or days when he and your DSD have time alone?

I used to have the same issue with my BF and my DSS. He used to spoil him all the time, let him do whatever he wanted, and had no disipline. He felt guilty because DSS came from a "broken home". Like in your situation, DSS would behave beautifully for me and gained a lot of independence and was a completely different and better kid, IMO. When his dad walked into the house, totally different story, he was a Jeckel (sp) & Hyde kid.

I finally had enough and sat my BF down and had a long talk with him about all this. We came up with a plan to set aside specific times and days that my DSS would get alone time with his dad to get to do whatever he wanted, whether it be going fishing, playing with a certain toy together, or building something together (BF is really into woodworking). And when my daughter was born and got a lil bit older, we incooperated her in. Now we both have "dates" with both of the kids when each of them get alone time with each of them. My parents also do this with them. Sometimes just my DD will get to go to their house and then DSS gets a turn.

This hasn't cured all the issues with my BF letting my DSS get away with this because he has issues with disiplining both of the kids. It has gotten tons better though.
Honestly he works from about 10 am to 10 pm most days except for saturday and sunday. He works until 2 on saturday and usually none on sunday.
The problem is, that the ONLY off time he has, is the ONLY time ALL OF US get to see him. So she basically wants him to herself on all that time. My bios NEVER get alone time with him nor do they get to spend much time "with" him when shes around either. So there is basically NO relationship between my bios and him.
And I really get aggrivated because I barely see my husband as it is and I NEVER get alone time with him except when we go to sleep. But SD assumes SHE should be given alone time with him EVERY time hes home. And not so much even them having alone time, but she HAS to be the center of his attention. I.E. , DH and I will lay down in our room to watch TV. Just us maybe watching tv and cuddling. Its rare enough anyway bc he works so much. All of a sudden, she comes in and wants a cartoon movie on, so my tv time with him turns into him watching a kid movie with her on full blast volume and them having dad daughter cuddle time.
Happened at least 3 times this weekend.
I have NO issue with him doing these things with her, but I also expect to get some quality time with my husband without the kids interrupting and being put into the center of attention.
My 2 bios dont even ask to come watch their movies in my room. Their are 5 tv's in the house, so why would the kids feel the need to come watch their movies in our room?
Arg.

What will happen when our baby is born? WIll the baby also have to fight for time w its dad?
Usually at least once every weekend DH goes and does something w SD. Even if its just the two of them going to the gas station. (which she ALWAYS gets something EVERYTIME.even if its a pack of gum)
The more it happens, the more it seems to me like she isnt going with him to "be" with him, but just to "get" stuff.

Oh after the whole furniture thing yesterday, she comes in our room later that evening to ask if we are going anywhere. I said "no". She said, "well can we go somewhere? like to Justice"
(to shop for her!)

All of a sudden shes ready to get out of the house becuase SHE wants to get something.
My answer was no. Dad doesnt even know where Justice is. I am the one who takes her there.
I explained to her that I had wanted to go look at furniture earlier and we didnt go because she told dad she didnt want to have to get dressed and go out in the heat. (ya thats what she told him) .
And I said, hey, its STILL the same temp outside that it was earlier. Maybe hotter. But now you feel ok getting sweaty outisde? Not to mention that she followed dad around for an hour outside while he cleaned the pool. All that was OK to get sweaty and hot, etc.
But that now I was tired and had done a lot during the day and I no longer was interested in getting out to do anything.
Basically it boils down to that she didnt want to get out earlier because it didnt benefit her.
Now that it does, she wants to get out. Um. NO.
ANywho dad didnt chime in and say anything. why? bc he didnt want to have to take her. he just says "well if SM doesnt want to go then you cant make her take you..."
I am frustrated with them both. Very frustrated. I am sure my hormones are out of control right now and I am on progesterone too so I am broken out and oily and sweaty ALL the time. And I am just so aggrivated with everything! Its like everything has to go wrong all at once.
And the last thing I want to deal with each day is him and her and daddy daughter issues.
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  #12  
June 6th, 2011, 01:56 PM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
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One more thing. If I dont post this I will explode.

I go outside yesterday to check the setting on the pool and check the water level.
SD8 comes outside (barefoot AGAIN as ive asked not to) and says in the babyest voice ever "wheres my daaaaady" and I say "I am not sure".
she replies in a crying and whining voice "wheressss my daaaady. I want my dadddddy"

I say "sd8 I havent seen him in the house for about 15 minutes. I am guessing hes in the bathroom."

sd8: "well can you go look because i want my daaaadddddyyy"

wth??? are we 3 years old now??? (what im thinking in my mind)

I ignored it. told her to get her shoes on before she hurt her foot on something outside.

went in to my room. started doing clothes and watching tv.

5 min later sd8 walks right in my room and says again "wheres my daaaaady".
I said "seriously sd8 hes IN THE BATHROOM. can you knock before coming in the room again please? and I will tell dad you are looking for him??"

do you guys think this is getting worse bc of the baby coming or what???

she asked her dad recently if he was going to start only paying attention to the baby and stop paying attention to her because thats what the youngest do to their parents.
(meaning she knows he pays more attention to the youngest, i.e. HER, and she wants to know if he will do that like he did with her when SS17 and SS16 were the older ones and she was the baby)
IDK if this is just fear of her not being his "baby" now or what? especially the baby talk. Shes 8. is that normal? This happened with my 4 year old when her dad and SM had a baby but i expect it from a child that young. Not from an 8 year old? What do you girls think?
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  #13  
June 7th, 2011, 08:56 AM
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Well, I have to be honest. I see a great deal of projection here and very little parenting.

Have you talked with DH regarding your role with SD? Because if my SD came in to me and asked where her dad was in that fashion, she'd be handled. I would handle it. I don't need DH to build boundaries for me.

You mentioned in another post that certain things happen at your house that don't happen at BM's - why do you think that is?

Sounds to me like regardless of DH - you need to determine your role here - and what you are and aren't willing to do regarding these kids. I can't imagine allowing SD dictate where I do and don't go. And frankly, if DH pulled that crap on me regarding the couch - I would have left without him and bought the dang couch without him. And he would have heard an earful about how he handled it - ending in an agreement about how to move forward (even if it took several days to hash it out!).

Lots in this post, mama. Looks like a huge lack of boundaries all around. The question is - what are you willing to do about it?
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  #14  
June 7th, 2011, 09:09 AM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
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Lack of boundaries doesn't even begin to describe it! Lol.
Dh has a very different outlook on EVERYTHING when it comes to his daughter.
I've "handled" it well for the last year. But we didn't get her "steadily" during that time bc he was in a different state. Now we are all in the same state.
The thing is. He doesn't like my "parenting" of her but HE can't be her primary caregiver either. He's simply not there. So he patents his way when he's home. The rest of the time he leaves her w me.
The more I write about this, the more I see how messes up this situation is.
And the more I see how little control I have over anything.
Everything has come to a boiling over point now. I'm assuming it's die to my hormones changing and me not being able to shrug things off as I have in the past.

Sd8's mom "confidentially" told me she may be now moving out of state due to her divorce. Obviously she plans to take SD w her.
I told her I didn't want any part of that conversation w dh bc I'm sure dh will fight it and I dont want to be put in the middle.
Part of me sort of hopes they do move so I will only have to deal w this every other weekend. But a big part of me feels like bm should leave SD w us bc she needs to be here where she's been raised and where she has siblings.
And because I honestly do think of her as my own and it would be like one of my bios being moved off. I am just so tired of the drama. The only time dh isn't acting like this is when shes not around.
Then there's obviously another part of me that thinks ...I love this guy so much...but I'm do tired of what he puts me through w his kids.
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6lb 10 oz

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  #15  
June 7th, 2011, 10:13 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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Even with limited time home, there is always a way to have one-on-one with each of the kids and your partner. It was hard when both of us were working full time to make time for each other and the kids, but sometimes just the simplest things make a big difference. Like one thing we did was all of us would go to the grocery store together and my BF and I would split the list in half, each of us get a cart, and we would each take one of the kids with us that way each of them had some alone time with one of us. Then in the next store, we would switch. It doesn't have to be some huge activity, but if you really want to have one-on-one with your kids, you can make it happen.

Something needs to change or you're going to explode. Lay down the law with your DH and let him know that he either needs to get on board or you're not going to take it anymore. The resentment you have toward him is going to affect your parenting with all the kids, yours and his. It's already affecting how you parent your SD.
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  #16  
June 7th, 2011, 11:17 AM
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wow it's sounds like you really need a break! Is there anyway you can do a "me day" and do something just for yourself.

I also think you have to come to some agreement with you dh. As for ds8, she may have fears because of being replaced by the new baby - that's not uncommon. Also, truly it's not uncommon for an 8 year old to do the baby thing either. My dd turns 9 next week & we had an interesting weekend. 1 minute she's begging me for Calico Critters(little animal families) with a $200 doll house for her birthday and then next she's begging me to take her shopping for a bra It's like a split personality. I think a lot of it has to do with the age. Not little kids anymore but not teenagers either.

And I do know what resentment of a blended family situation is. I went through it with my dh's oldest. Notice I don't call her dsd. After 6 years of dh & I being together, she & I don't have a relationship at all. She has decided to project all her resentment toward her parents for divorcing on to me - even though I had absolutely nothing to do with it. Long story. Anyway it was awful when she was around. She doesn't come to our house anymore. On the 1 hand I am relieved but on the other I feel so sad for dh. But we tried everything and nothing worked. Well except for counseling.

Would you consider marriage counseling?
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  #17  
June 7th, 2011, 11:47 AM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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OMG Split personality doesn't even begin to describe it. lol DSD is like two different people and has been since about the age of 8. One moment she's a grown person, the next she reverts back to toddlerhood. It drives me up the wall.

I agree with everything Kris is saying btw.
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❤ Big Thanks to Vicki, trishosaurus, & Shortcake for the great siggies of my kids! ❤
Liz (36) Kev (35)
Tiana (16) Doni (14) Lil Kev (8) Ethan 7/23/12 Lil Roo 10/29/11



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