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Have you guys considered getting counseling for her? From what I've been reading she's been dealing with a lot and it sounds like she's acting out. I know my DSD can get really bad at times, but it always goes back to some underlying issue that is bothering her.
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If she was told there would be consequences for doing it again and she did it again without consequences that is teaching her that she can do what she wants!
I have a problem with my dh being too soft when it comes to things like that too...he always says "next time...." and then there is no follow through. I have had to go and talk to him privatey after many times and get him to reconsider. Maybe you could talk to your dh privately and remind him of what he said last time. I'd also point out that not only is it wrong what she is doing, but how is it fair to ds to continue to let him get beat on?