Log In Sign Up

Feel like I'm losing DSS


Forum: Blended Families

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Blended Families LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
June 12th, 2011, 07:30 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,032
So a few months ago I made the appointments to get Meyson screened and signed up for Kindergarten. My BF went with me to the screening, meet the teachers and principal and the meeting afterwards regarding Meyson's results from the screening. There were a few things that he needs to work on, so I went out and bought alphabet flashcards, a tablet with the paper that they use for Kindergarten, a few workbooks, and some of those cushion things for a pencil to help him with his grip and placement of the pencil in his hand. We were planning our school shopping trip and I'd been watching for deals on some of the stuff that was on his list of supplies. Everything was going well, and we were open the entire time to BM about what we were doing. No sneaking around or anything, trying to pull a fast one on her, I made sure that my BF talked to her about it.

Well now, she has decided that she's wants Meyson to go to school with her oldest son (not with my BF). She has wanted nothing to do with his preschool or anything else, so I have no idea why now she has decided that she all of a sudden wants to be involved in his education, especially since it was her decision to only keep Meyson every other weekend from Sat morning til Sunday evening. She was the one that came up with that agreement, but unfortunately we don't have that in writing.

The most frustrating part is that she keeps making appointments for Meyson, completely disregarding our schedules, and then just telling my BF when this stuff is. And to top it all off, I usually have to find the list of appointments somewhere, he doesn't tell me any of this, which is an issue that we constantly have. It's not that I don't think that Meyson should go to these appointments, but I think that she should have the decency to discuss at least with my BF first about when she wants to make the appointments and what our schedules are and what not. And I just know that she's registering him for school where she lives (we live about 15 min apart, but we're in different districts), but she's being extremely secretive about it. When Meyson comes home to us, he's always saying that his mom says that she's going to take him to school, but he doesn't want to go. She has never once actually come out and said that she's taking over the school thing, but yet she keeps feeling Meyson's head with these ideas.

I just feel like I'm losing Meyson and there's nothing I can do about it. I've been raising him as my own since he was 2, I've been the one to stay up all night when he was sick, go through all the tantrums (and still do), got him on a regular bedtime, bought his clothes, and all the other stuff that goes along with being a parent. Now his BM wants to step in and take over and I don't think my BF is doing anything about it. It's like I was being used to take care of him through the tougher stuff (like the up all nights and the potty training), but now that she can ditch him at school all day through the week, she's all about being his "real mom".
Reply With Quote
  #2  
June 12th, 2011, 01:18 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,129
I think you need to go to court & get the arrangement official. It's not in the best interest of the child to all of a sudden change and quite honestly she's given up that right. The courts should be in your favor since the bio dad has had primary custody for years.
__________________
Kris

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
Reply With Quote
  #3  
June 12th, 2011, 01:31 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Taneytown, MD
Posts: 114,908
Send a message via Yahoo to Rachel
Reply With Quote
  #4  
June 12th, 2011, 02:16 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,032
I say that exact thing to my BF, but he's afraid that she'll get some magic high dollar lawyer that will end up taking his son away from him so he's afraid to fight with her. I've been trying to convince him that having proof that we are the ones who took the initiative to register him for school and things like that will help his case, but he just doesn't seem to want to fight her for some reason or another. She's not a drunk or drug dealer or something like that so I don't want her rights taken away, I just want Meyson to have a schedule when it comes to visitation and I want to be able to know one way or another what we're doing as far as school. I've already told my BF that if she signs him up for school, that she's going to have to step it up and be his mom because it would require one of us driving him to school and picking him up on a daily basis and with us having our 2 year old DD, I don't think it's fair to her to have to get up, get dressed, get off her routine every morning and be rushed around, just because BM wants to choose where he goes to school and possibly pick him up on occasion. I feel bad or like I'm being lazy by not wanting to drive him, but it would disrupt my daughter's morning routine and boost up gas prices (I'm a SAHM so I normally stay home 5-6 days a week because of the cost of fuel) and with us having Meyson through the week, why shouldn't we be able to choose the school that is best for our family, not to mention the fact that Meyson's already met his teachers, the principal, school nurse and some of his classmates.

Sorry for the long posts, but I'm making myself sick stressing about all of this. I just want an answer one way or the other!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
June 12th, 2011, 09:01 PM
mom2more's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 2,680
I think your bf at least needs to talk to his ex and say that if she wants to sign him up for preschool by her then she needs to be responsible for transporting him to it. How many days a week is that preschool?

Maybe you could have him go to both? I know when my kids were in preschool it was a MWF or a Tues Thurs thing. And for only a few hours each time. Maybe he could do MWF with one of you and Tues Thurs with the other??
__________________
Mom2more






Reply With Quote
  #6  
June 13th, 2011, 08:26 AM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
Join Date: May 2011
Location: US
Posts: 1,397
I thought this was about kindergarten ? Not preschool?

I'd do as above and have bf tell bm that if SHE signs him up for school in her district that SHE alone will be responsible for getting him back and forth.
I can't imagine why she would want to do all that now if she never has before. I'm
Assuming that if he went in your district hd could ride the bus?
__________________

Jade Ja Kang
1-18-12
10:52 a.m.
18.5 inches
6lb 10 oz

Reply With Quote
  #7  
June 13th, 2011, 09:00 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,032
Yes, he'll be going to kindergarten in the fall. He's already been in preschool and we were the ones doing all the transportation, minus like one or two days when she wanted to pick him up. The only thing that she contributed to during preschool, was paying half of the tuition, which was court ordered.

I've told my BF that if he goes to school there that she will have to provide all the transportation, but at the same time, I don't want us to become the weekend parents. I don't want to be walked all over by her, but at the same time, I don't want to lose Meyson.

The only reason that I can think of is that she's trying to get primary custody, which would allow her to get child support. Right now it's 50-50 so no support either way, but if she has him in school and has him all week, then it's no longer equal. She's already tried using him to commit welfare fraud. She tried to count him a family member in her home to get food stamps, while we already had him signed up to receive a medical card while my BF was laid off last summer. In our state, if the child isn't in one home more than the other, then neither parent can receive food benefits for him. If she's tried to benefit off of him in one way, I don't put it past her to use him in another way to get money.

And yes, if he were in our district, he would ride a bus, which is something else that he has been excited to do.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
June 13th, 2011, 09:11 AM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
Join Date: May 2011
Location: US
Posts: 1,397
What is the "schedule" for the 50/50? Mine is the same except I have primary. The kids are included as members of MY household since bd has visitation only.

Mine is set for every other week. Like I have them from one Friday to the next. We switch at pickup from school on Fridays.

Maybe you guys could do that so you only have to transport him every other week?
__________________

Jade Ja Kang
1-18-12
10:52 a.m.
18.5 inches
6lb 10 oz

Reply With Quote
  #9  
June 13th, 2011, 11:00 AM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Taneytown, MD
Posts: 114,908
Send a message via Yahoo to Rachel
Your boyfriend really needs to get the custody arrangement official. Your DSS is unprotected as it is now and what's to stop her from coming in and demanding him back. The court's want kids to have the status quo, if he's been living with you all for more than a few years, unless there's a significant change in circumstance that would make your BF unfit to parent him, the court's are not going to move him back to his mom.

at the very least, he should talk to a lawyer.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
June 13th, 2011, 12:47 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NYC
Posts: 13,499
I agree with Rachel, this needs to become an official contract via the courts so things like this won't happen again.
__________________

❤ Big Thanks to Vicki, trishosaurus, & Shortcake for the great siggies of my kids! ❤
Liz (36) Kev (35)
Tiana (16) Doni (14) Lil Kev (8) Ethan 7/23/12 Lil Roo 10/29/11



Reply With Quote
  #11  
June 13th, 2011, 01:31 PM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
Join Date: May 2011
Location: US
Posts: 1,397
My ex had my kids a while almost full time and I was able to have the courts change it back. Sadly most courts will still favor the mom.
Not to damper the mood here. But it sounds like that's what her bf is already afraid of and it sounds like she's also said mom is "stable". No drugs and what not.
If it's a 50/50 situation I'd totally go for just enforcing the plan as is so that nothing gets nasty. A court case isn't cheap. At all. And stressful on the child. I spent upwards of $100k on my court case. And mom is likely to get free counsel if she's low wage. Depending on the state. Is there a chance that bm might be able to actually do a good job half the time?

I'm not siding here but there are some cases where the bm hasn't played her role in the beginning but later on does. In my opinion bm actually stepping in even if it's later, is a good idea for the child.
As much as you have done for this child, she is still the bm.
In all honesty, your dh should have been doing all that nurturing you did for his child.
It should never just be left in the hands of a sm. Although it usually is.
I'm sure if my SD got sick, dh would not be anywhere involved.

Anyway what I'm trying to say (in the nicest way possible) is that is great you stepped in and did all of bm's job, but that was dh's "responsibility".
IF bm steps back in and tries to do the right thing or "be there" , it might be better to see it as positive for the child. He kinda needs both of his bios in the pic.
Even if bm isn't really up to "bm standards".

I really hope bm is really trying to do the right thing but in the event she isn't , maybe then I'd go to asking the court. Lucky for this little guy he's had you around all this time to do all these things she didn't do.
__________________

Jade Ja Kang
1-18-12
10:52 a.m.
18.5 inches
6lb 10 oz

Reply With Quote
  #12  
June 13th, 2011, 02:08 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,032
Quote:
What is the "schedule" for the 50/50?
In reality, there is no 50-50, that's just what they have in their agreement. There hasn't been 50-50 parenting since I've been around at the very least. Their custody papers say shared parenting, but we have him most of the time. I even did the math at one point, keeping track of the specific drop off and pick up times and our time with him has at the very least always been in the high 80 percentile.


Quote:
Your boyfriend really needs to get the custody arrangement official.
I agree, but I wonder if it's too late. What they have in writing now is a shared parenting agreement. If she's trying to "get involved" now, I don't see her agreeing to anything at this point. I have encouraged him to at the very least seek the advice of an attorney.

Quote:
Is there a chance that bm might be able to actually do a good job half the time?
From what I've seen, no. There are two other boys in her household, one is older and one is the same age as Meyson, but built smaller. Meyson doesn't get clothes of his own, he is either dressed in clothes that are way too big and hang off of him, making it difficult to play and other normal activities or the clothes are way too small and he walks around in pants that he is unable to button or shirts that come way up on him and are basically belly shirts (maybe cute if you're a 20 year old woman, but not so cute on a 5 year old boy). Not that they're anything wrong with hand-me-downs, but they should at the very least fit properly. Also, we get phone calls on a regular basis when she does have Meyson that someone needs to pick him up immediately because she cannot "handle" him. I'm not going to lie and say that he's an easy kid, because he's not, but shouldn't his "real mom" be able to "handle" him?

Quote:
Anyway what I'm trying to say (in the nicest way possible) is that is great you stepped in and did all of bm's job, but that was dh's "responsibility".
I disagree with this. When I met my BF, I knew full well that he already had a child. It was my choice to move forward in the relationship so I chose to take on that responsibility. It was also a choice that he and I made together for me to be a SAHM and take primary care of both kids in the house, not just my own. Not saying that he shouldn't take any responsibility, but in our situation where he works and I don't, why wouldn't I have more responsibility of the kids?

Quote:
IF bm steps back in and tries to do the right thing or "be there" , it might be better to see it as positive for the child. He kinda needs both of his bios in the pic.
This I also disagree with, more importantly than biology, kids need stability and that's not what he's getting right now. He needs to know when and where he is going, not have her call on a whim and decide that she wants him that particular day. Not saying that my BF isn't to blame in this, because there are times when he needs to put his foot down, but as a mother aren't you supposed to create stabilty and routine instead of completely disrupting one that your child already has for no other reason but to prove that you are his "real mom".
Reply With Quote
  #13  
June 13th, 2011, 03:50 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,129
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kangaroo View Post
In all honesty, your dh should have been doing all that nurturing you did for his child.
I couldn't disagree with this more! All of the nurturing???? My children don't get all of their nurturing from their bio parents - they get nurturing from grandparents, aunts & uncles (most of whom aren't biologically related), teachers, daycare providers etc. You don't have to be a bio parent to nurture a child.

I'm sure her dh was nurturing the child as well - being dad as she was being mom. And speaking from someone who has a Dh who stepped up and parented my fatherless child, I think it's awesome. My dh was more of a dad the moment he met dd than her bio dad had been in the 2 1/2 years prior (her entire life at that time btw).

And while I do think it's ideal that both parents be involved, it doesn't always work out that way. It was not nor will it ever be a good idea for my dd's bio dad to be in her life. He leaves a path of destruction everywhere he goes. DD doesn't need that. She has a dad. A really good dad.

Back to this subject. I really do think your dh needs to get this custody situation changed legally. You & he need to provide all the proof you have that you have been the primary caregivers of this child. It may cost you but it will be worth it in the end. I spent a ton on my custody situation.
__________________
Kris

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
Reply With Quote
  #14  
June 13th, 2011, 05:00 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Taneytown, MD
Posts: 114,908
Send a message via Yahoo to Rachel
Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
I couldn't disagree with this more! All of the nurturing???? My children don't get all of their nurturing from their bio parents - they get nurturing from grandparents, aunts & uncles (most of whom aren't biologically related), teachers, daycare providers etc. You don't have to be a bio parent to nurture a child.

I'm sure her dh was nurturing the child as well - being dad as she was being mom. And speaking from someone who has a Dh who stepped up and parented my fatherless child, I think it's awesome. My dh was more of a dad the moment he met dd than her bio dad had been in the 2 1/2 years prior (her entire life at that time btw).

And while I do think it's ideal that both parents be involved, it doesn't always work out that way. It was not nor will it ever be a good idea for my dd's bio dad to be in her life. He leaves a path of destruction everywhere he goes. DD doesn't need that. She has a dad. A really good dad.

Back to this subject. I really do think your dh needs to get this custody situation changed legally. You & he need to provide all the proof you have that you have been the primary caregivers of this child. It may cost you but it will be worth it in the end. I spent a ton on my custody situation.

Reply With Quote
  #15  
June 13th, 2011, 06:23 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,032


I haven't had a chance to talk to him face-to-face today (he left this morning around 8 and between work & his class won't be home til after 10), but when I talked to him on the phone earlier, I told him flat out that he needs to find out exactly what her intentions are. He has to meet her in the morning to drop off Meyson to her for one of those appointments she scheduled, which she was upset by because it meant that she had to get up early. I recommended that he set up a later time for them to talk so that it's not in front of Meyson, no reason for him to be in that conversation because lord knows that kid hears too much already. I'm gonna wait up for him tonight and have a more in depth talk about it and hopefully he'll find out what she's really planning so that we know what we're dealing with. I just wish that she would actually do something for the best interest of Meyson for once!
Reply With Quote
  #16  
August 3rd, 2011, 03:32 PM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
Join Date: May 2011
Location: US
Posts: 1,397
Ah. Ok. This is the thread I was thinking of.
It's hard to "explain" what I'm saying when I'm typing and I'm just now seeing responses to my last post thread here.

Ok. Lemme try to explain.
When I send my bios to their dads house, it's HIM I hold responsible for my kids while they are in his custody. I KNOW his wife does most of the rearing of all the kids there. But that's his choice. HE is still who I hold responsible for my kids while in HIS care.
When I say things like this, it's NOT to degrade anyones role as an SM. Let me STRESS that. My exh CHOOSES to leave his wife to do all the rearing while he has his visitation. That's fine. But if anything goes wrong, HE will be the one answering about it.
In your case, it's understandable that you Guys chose for u to be the SAHM and do all this. And the end result is that YOU have given this child more care than either bio.
That's great. And again I'll say, he's lucky.
What if you hadnt been in the picture.
What do you think dh would have done w dss if you hadn't been around?
(curiously asking. NOT being ugly. I'm seriously wondering).

My exh had his mom care for ALL our kids needs when he had them until he got remarried. Then his wife did it. So *he's* never really given care. He's always had someone else do it. Even at night when they were sick.
Somehow I always managed to care for a sick kid at night even when I had to work the next day. Why couldn't he? All I ever had in help was daycare during the day. Period.

As far as bm. It sounds like there's way more to this story than just schooling.
If she's that neglectful, I think your dss is in much need of your dh getting custody.
If she can't handle the kid and can't parent him etc, she has no business raising him.

I *will* say this though. Since my exh had depended so much on everyone else to tend his kids, that did play a part in him not getting custody of ours.
The judge asked him ALOT of questions about the kids. Most he couldn't answer but his wife could. (doctors, illnesses , shots, etc).
The judge looked down on that a lot with exh.
If it does go to court, I'd suggest making sure dh is in the know about everything the same as you are. I'm not saying he's not. I'm just throwing that out there.
If dh is deposed, you won't likely be in the room and be able to answer stuff with or for him. My exh couldn't tell them the name of our kids teacher.
__________________

Jade Ja Kang
1-18-12
10:52 a.m.
18.5 inches
6lb 10 oz

Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:02 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0