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  #1  
July 23rd, 2011, 09:28 AM
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If your stepchildren arrived to spend the summer at your house and their biomom didnt pack them a suitcase of clothes??? Yeah, my SO three other children arrived here with nothing.. she actually sent them for 8 weeks and no clothing... Is that normal?? I dont get it, its so frustrating, we are struggling financially and had to pick up clothes for 3 children, for 8 weeks. And yes, we hit up the thrift stores.. (which I do for my own children too)!
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  #2  
July 23rd, 2011, 10:02 AM
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I suppose it would depend on the situation, but I don't think it's unreasonable for BOTH parents to have suitable clothing for their children in their homes. I know of grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc... that only see their grandchildren/nieces/nephews a few times a year and they keep extra clothes there for the kids, so even if one parent only has brief visits throughout the year, it would still be a good idea to be prepared with extra clothes, IMO.

And nothing wrong with thrift stores. I shop them frequently for play clothes for both kids.
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  #3  
July 23rd, 2011, 10:04 AM
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I would be very very pissed off. That's just not something you do. How can you send kids away with no clothing? I sent my kids to my moms for 3 weeks and packed two weeks worth of clothes for the both of them. Sorry bio mom pulled that on you.
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  #4  
July 23rd, 2011, 10:23 AM
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I see a point that all family usually keeps changes of clothing and pj's, unfortunately his children live across the country, and so we only get them for 8 weeks and dont really know their sizes until we see them.. then they are only here for 8 weeks so buying clothing seems like such a waste when the next year they come they will be a completely new size... kwim??

Its just frustrating and the kids feel bad they dont have their "own" clothes from home here either..
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  #5  
July 23rd, 2011, 11:41 AM
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In your situation, bio mom definitely should have sent clothes! My sd lives 4 hours away & she brings clothes when she visits with us. We only see her 3-4 times/year so it doesn't pay to have an entire wardrobe for her at our house. She'd wear something once & then grow out of it before the next visit. (now I won't talk about the quality & sizing of the clothes but at least she has clothes)
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  #6  
July 23rd, 2011, 12:12 PM
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Yeah, I can see your point if it's a once a year type thing.

Have you or DH talked to BM and confronted her with the fact that she didn't send any clothing for her kids?
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  #7  
July 23rd, 2011, 02:11 PM
momma2011's Avatar Shannon
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If it is a cross country thing I can see being upset by it. I know a lot of parents who don't send clothes though because what they send is never returned. I'm fine either way, if SD shows up without clothes then at least we don't have to worry about her trying to wear clothing that we find inappropriate. Honestly, if she brings clothes I still end up buying new stuff.
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  #8  
July 23rd, 2011, 07:15 PM
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Before my stepson moved out of state, we never received clothing for him (well we did at the very start of DH receiving visitation until he could get a surplus of clothing at our house too). We had him every other weekend, a month in the summer, and almost a week at Christmas. Because we had him so frequently, it was not unreasonable for us to have clothing here as well.

Now that he's in another state, DH had it put in court papers that seasonally appropriate clothing that fits is to be sent on all visitations. This is because it is no longer reasonable for us to provide a wardrobe here when we only see him a grand total of 5 or 6 weeks per year (depending on the year).
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  #9  
July 23rd, 2011, 07:47 PM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
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Ya I think if he's seeing them once a year and pays child support, the clothes should come with the kids. His CS helps to pay for those clothes.
When sd8 lived in another state from dh, her mom always always sent plenty of clothes , nightclothes, shoes, and bathing suits.
We bought her some new stuff too and anything we bought as far as clothes and toys and what not all went home w her.
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  #10  
July 23rd, 2011, 09:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2princes2princesses View Post
Before my stepson moved out of state, we never received clothing for him (well we did at the very start of DH receiving visitation until he could get a surplus of clothing at our house too). We had him every other weekend, a month in the summer, and almost a week at Christmas. Because we had him so frequently, it was not unreasonable for us to have clothing here as well.

Now that he's in another state, DH had it put in court papers that seasonally appropriate clothing that fits is to be sent on all visitations. This is because it is no longer reasonable for us to provide a wardrobe here when we only see him a grand total of 5 or 6 weeks per year (depending on the year).
Thats a great idea to have put into the papers!! He also needs to have it put in the papers that their SD in the different state is not allowed to spank the kids.. we have no spanking here!! Bio mom allows her new hubby to spank..
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  #11  
July 23rd, 2011, 11:54 PM
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We have the kids for the school year and don't send clothes to their bio mom's house for the summer... she lives in another state but is very good about checking with us a few weeks in advance so that she knows sizes and can purchase clothes for them. Also they grow so quickly that we check with her a few weeks before we get them back to make sure that we don't need to buy new clothes if they've grown.
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  #12  
July 24th, 2011, 07:47 AM
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Originally Posted by twoboys View Post
Thats a great idea to have put into the papers!! He also needs to have it put in the papers that their SD in the different state is not allowed to spank the kids.. we have no spanking here!! Bio mom allows her new hubby to spank..
Good luck with the spanking provision. Highly unlikely that you'll get it put in. Spanking isn't illegal and a judge will see that as parenting style. And even if it does get in, it will be impossible to enforce.
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  #13  
July 24th, 2011, 08:18 AM
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Not only would it be extremely difficult to enforce a "no spanking" rule, IMO that is not that reasonable of a request. As long as there is no abuse or neglect, both parents are and should be allowed to have different parenting styles. Do I agree with my DSS's BM's parenting style of "let em all run wild outside on the streets as long as they dont' bother me"? No, of course not! I believe it to be completely irresponsible and reckless, but there's not a whole lot that I can or would do about it. It's her choice on how she parents her kids.
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  #14  
July 24th, 2011, 11:25 AM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
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I think there is a diff between a BIO parent spanking a child, and a STEP parent spanking the child. And it sounds as tho the step dad here is relatively new also.
If both bio parents agree to letting steps spank, I think it's fine.
But if either disagree then it should be the bio parent giving the spankings.
IMHO

As far as the court is concerned, I usually see them in favor of the bio parents having the communications and bio parents issuing CORPORAL punishments etc.
I've had it in mine that I deal with exh regarding my kids. Not a third party of any kind.
I didn't create those babies with my exh's wife. I created them with exh. That's who I ultimately coparent with. That's who will still be around later even if they divorce.
Their dad. Not their SM.
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  #15  
July 24th, 2011, 11:40 AM
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I completely disagree with that. As far as I'm concerned, it's my house, my rules regardless of whether I birthed them or not. I'm a SAHM to BOTH kids, not just my DD and I'm not about to wait until my BF gets home to issue some sort of punishment. If DSS misbehaves, then he is punished, as is DD.

As far as the courts not allowing a stepparent to discipline, that is outrageous! If your child goes to daycare or a babysitter, is that caregiver not supposed to punish the child if the child disobeys the rules just because that person is not their bio-parent?
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  #16  
July 24th, 2011, 12:31 PM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AMiner86 View Post
I completely disagree with that. As far as I'm concerned, it's my house, my rules regardless of whether I birthed them or not. I'm a SAHM to BOTH kids, not just my DD and I'm not about to wait until my BF gets home to issue some sort of punishment. If DSS misbehaves, then he is punished, as is DD.

As far as the courts not allowing a stepparent to discipline, that is outrageous! If your child goes to daycare or a babysitter, is that caregiver not supposed to punish the child if the child disobeys the rules just because that person is not their bio-parent?
I would never allow daycare or babysitter to physically punish my child.
What if they accidentally go too far?
I've also not ever agreed with my kids SM spanking my kids.
There are more ways for her to discipline than spanking.
My mom and exh's mom have spanked ours.
Not hard but they have.
As much as id love love love to spank sd8 as I do my own, dh doesn't want me to. Bio mom gets upset when I don't spank sd8 for something deserving it.
But since BOTH bios don't agree to it, I don't lay my hands on her.

Dd5 came home with a bruise on her back once from SM spanking her.
Never should anyone "spank" hard enough to bruise my child.
I let her know if it happened again I'd press charges for assault.
She's never laid hands on my kids again.
Another person hitting my child leaving a mark is enough to make me lose my temper and go do the same to them. I could care less if it's mine and dh's house. He won't touch my kids. He can punish them other ways. Not by hitting or spanking.
And I've definitely had this backed up by my attorney. It's well within my rights to press charges for assault for an adult such as SM to spank without permission.
The schools in our area don't use corporal punishment anymore for that reason.

Also I've never said a step should be allowed to discipline. I said spank.
There are a ton of ways to discipline besides spanking.
IMO if a spanking is the only suitable punishment, it shd b one of the bios doing it unless the bios have both agreed to let steps do it.
Just IMPO.
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  #17  
July 24th, 2011, 01:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kangaroo View Post

As far as the court is concerned, I usually see them in favor of the bio parents having the communications and bio parents issuing punishments etc.
This says issuing punishments, not specifically physical punishments.


Spanking does not leave a mark, hitting does. If an adult strikes a child with enough force to leave a mark, then it is no longer spanking. Also, location also comes into play, a pat on the butt is much different than a slap in the face even if you are using the same amount of force. So when a child comes home with a bruise on their back, I don't consider it spanking for two reasons: 1)They were struck with enough force to leave a mark and 2)They were struck in a location other than the bottom.


I agree that there are other ways to discipline other than spanking, but it should be a personal choice, not one to be decided in court.
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  #18  
July 24th, 2011, 01:23 PM
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I agree that spankings or hitting of any kind should be left to the bio parents alone. The steps, myself included, can find alternate forms of punishment.
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  #19  
July 24th, 2011, 01:28 PM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
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Yeah I must have accidentally said punishment but if you read the rest of the post it's all regarding spanking and hitting. And that's the issue the poster was addressing.
I just think no one should put their hands on a child except the bios unless they agree.
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  #20  
July 24th, 2011, 01:42 PM
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I did in fact read the rest of the post and yes the beginning was about spanking, but the second half seemed to be about how you only want to communicate and parent with your ex and not his new wife, which is fine for you if that's the relationship that you have with your ex and his wife.

My point is that, not only would it be impossible to regulate such an order, each parent should be able to use whatever parenting style they choose, and that includes being able to choose who they allow to enforce punishments of any kind. If mom wants her new husband to use corporal punishment, then that should be her choice.
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