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  #1  
July 27th, 2011, 11:28 AM
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I am sorry for all the random questions here, but being new to this there are so many things I think of at night that I want to ask/address and get honest opinions. In general I just need to talk to other blending families so I can try to work this out myself, so thank you for all your responses/suggestions/help..

Another one :

So SO children come here from across the country, they bring nothing with them and as I said before this is the first summer we have all tried living together... I have become primary care giver...

How do you handle this... My son, Jack 8 has his own "special" toys, that he keeps up,(they fit in a small drawer, and each child has their own secret drawer here for "specials"). but if he brings them out, I make sure everyone at least has a turn with them, he is not allowed to keep them all to himself.. We have other toys that everyone plays with now of course Jack calls them "his" toys and by all rights they are his toys, ones he got for christmas and birthdays etc.. but he does do a good job at sharing.. We cant help that the other 3 dont live here and have their "own" toys here and we simply dont have room for 6 different toy boxes, which seems extreme to me..

I of course say, Jack does great and shares well, but he has his times and I know its hard to see everyone playing with all his toys (especially the wii, which he got for a birthday present).

SO says well its not fair for them to NOT have their own toys here.. yada yada and so it goes on and on,

Well its always Jacks toys that get broken, his new wii game, broken, his lightsabre, broken, and he gets really sensitive about it.. I cant tell the others they cant play with things here but they have never been taught to respect others belongings. SO does not have the money to replace the wii game, heck its just over a week old and already broken, so yeah, Jack is now really upset.. And once again the pressure is on our relationship..

How do you deal with situations like this? What is the right thing to do? Is there a right way to handle this.. I cant seem to make them respect Jacks toys, and then SO argues well wth?? they dont have their own here to play with.. and Jack says its not fair that he never gets to play with their toys, its always his that get broken..

UGGGHhhhh this is hard.. Thanks for advice..
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  #2  
July 27th, 2011, 11:47 AM
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I can understand the non space issue, however, for the sake of Jack, I would add just one more toy bin and have toys that just your SOs kids can play with. I would start off with cheap toys from the dollar store or thrift shops and work my way up to more expensive ones when they can take care of them.

In reality, that bin would only be there for 8 weeks a year. So to avoid the drama between everyone it might be best to just get them their own special bin that you can put away in either the attic or basement (assuming you have one or the other) when they're not there.

Since my girls are older I pretty much let them figure stuff out for themselves. The majority of things are shared but there are a few things that is not shared and I don't pressure the kids to share them either. Neither does DH.
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  #3  
July 27th, 2011, 11:55 AM
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I agree with Liz. I would also talk to Jake about putting some of his special toys away for when they are staying with you. Maybe there are a few things he coudl part with including his Wii game for the few months they are there.

Also, we have an established rule in our house that new toys are in the sole possession of the owner for at least a month before they need to be shared. It goes for everyone that they don't have to share unless they want to for that time period. After that they must share.
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  #4  
July 27th, 2011, 12:27 PM
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Oh I love the new toys are sole possessions for a month, thats a great idea!!

I also like the idea of the extra toybox.. but how would that work?? would jack have a toybox that they couldnt play with the toys in it?? and vice versa?? I am afraid that would cause problems too..

Jack is made to share all of his toys.. he just had his birthday and SO was insistent that he shared to be "fair" to the other children..

I also have to deal with taunting, because the 9,6 yr old (SO's kiddos) are "real brothers" and their bio mom tells them constantly that Jack is NOT their brother.. well they have a natural bond and tend to mentally gang up on Jack and I hate it, it bothers the h3ll out of me.. of course it would anyone..

There are fights/arguments every single day between the three boys and Jack just doesnt know how to handle it so he cries and I have become mother bear and its the worst thing I have had to deal with.. then SO complains that Jack is a cry baby.. well umm yah, hes getting picked on by YOUR two other children, I have to have eyes in the back of my head, I swear...

Jack cried last night and told me SO broke his heart bc of a whole bedtime issue... again.. and I just dont know if I can keep this up.. because its breaking my heart..
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  #5  
July 27th, 2011, 12:30 PM
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We have a rule similar to the one Kris talked about. When my kids get a toy for their birthday/Christmas/whatever, they are the ones that get to play with it first and isn't made to share it at first. Usually, they get tired of playing along and are fairly quick to share so I don't have to make a time limit on how long they get to play with it solo.

I totally understand your side of it that they're only going to be there a short period of time so for them to each get an entire toy box would be unreasonable, but I also understand your SO's side that it isn't fair that his kids don't get their own toys too. I suppose a compromise would be to use small boxes or totes, possibly even something you have around the house and use for them to have their own toys in. It could even be something as simple as taking a cardboard box and letting them decorate it as a project one day and using that as a toy box.
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  #6  
July 27th, 2011, 12:40 PM
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I would make it so that those toys are just for those kids and vice versa. This would be a case where once your SO sees that his kids have their own stuff too, maybe he would lay off forcing Jake to share.

As for the ganging up, I would handle it this way. The moment I saw the two boys starting in on Jake, I would give them a warning the first time. The second time I would separate them i.e. put them in a different room for a period of time, the third time all bets would be off and they would be grounded for the rest of the day.

Maybe a talk is in order with your SO but not once he gets home or once he's already upset. I would suggest sitting down with him sometime over the weekend when he seems the least stressed out.
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  #7  
July 27th, 2011, 12:57 PM
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All really good suggestions, thank you!!!! I will say this, we do have a "community toy box" that I have always had ( I used to have an in home daycare).. here lies the problem...

They dont want to play with those toys.. they want Jacks DS games, his bakuguns, and his beyblades..

We did go out and buy them each a beyblade and a few other things but Jack has "more".. and thats the constant argument.. but he will have more because he lives here, we cant go buy everyone 20 beyblades.. I have taken most of Jacks away so that now they all have the same number, but it caused HUGE issues because Jack got to build his own beyblades from his collection and the others didnt have that choice..

We cant buy everyone all the same ds games that Jack has, they are too expensive and bio mom refuses to send them with any games, just the one, and we are lucky she even sent the nintendo ds's at all!!

I know that sharing is important, and I am all for sharing, but I expect it to be respected and thanked.. just out of good manners, a simple "thanks for letting me play that game".. inistead, SO gets angry with Jack and tells him off because he has "enough games to share".. very true.. but they end up getting lost of broken and I guess when you play a ds game it saves, so he doesnt want someone playing his game and using the items he has collected/saved, if that makes sense??? ( I know nothing about these games)..

I think bottom line is they WANT to play with his toys, and I cant tell them no, I wouldnt do that.. but I just ask that they respect them, but they dont treat their own toys with respect so how can I expect them to respect his??? And if I tell them no, then its war with me and SO and I am showing favoritism to Jack.. its just a nightmare..
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  #8  
July 27th, 2011, 01:35 PM
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This sounds like a case of you must put your foot down and put it down hard. If they cannot respect Jack's toys, then they shouldn't be allowed to play with his toys at all. It's going to be a big argument, however, it's one that needs to go down. It's not fair that Jack has all his things broken. That was a huge fight with Kev and myself at first for a long time, but one day he saw the light and understood how unfair it truly was.
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  #9  
July 27th, 2011, 01:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by twoboys View Post
I also have to deal with taunting, because the 9,6 yr old (SO's kiddos) are "real brothers" and their bio mom tells them constantly that Jack is NOT their brother.. well they have a natural bond and tend to mentally gang up on Jack and I hate it, it bothers the h3ll out of me.. of course it would anyone..
This burns me to know end being in your situation with my dd. DH has 2 dds from previous marriage then we have 1 son together. DD is the odd man out. And even though Dh's oldest isn't his biologically (yup bio mom is a winner & had an affair & dh accepted the kid as his own) the whole biology thing has come up.

I personally hate the terms stepsibling, halfsibling etc. I went bolistic on a teacher at my kids daycare when she said to my then 4 year old dd that ds was her half brother We don't do halfs or steps or anything.

I had to have a long talk with youngst sd last summer. She made a comment to my dd about her & ds being daddy's biological kids. I must admit I lost it a little bit. But then I sat her down & had a long talk of why. Even though dh has adopted dd, she was 6 when it happened. So she's very well aware of the fact. Not to mention the fact that dh, ds & I all have blue eyes & dd's are brown. dd feels less than.

I don't know if this is possible but could you do the whole Super Nanny thing & make up a list of rules for all kids to follow. #1 being "We're all 1 family so no name calling" Perhaps give your stepkids a chance to come up with some of their own (as long as they are reasonable).
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  #10  
July 27th, 2011, 10:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
This burns me to know end being in your situation with my dd. DH has 2 dds from previous marriage then we have 1 son together. DD is the odd man out. And even though Dh's oldest isn't his biologically (yup bio mom is a winner & had an affair & dh accepted the kid as his own) the whole biology thing has come up.

I personally hate the terms stepsibling, halfsibling etc. I went bolistic on a teacher at my kids daycare when she said to my then 4 year old dd that ds was her half brother We don't do halfs or steps or anything.

I had to have a long talk with youngst sd last summer. She made a comment to my dd about her & ds being daddy's biological kids. I must admit I lost it a little bit. But then I sat her down & had a long talk of why. Even though dh has adopted dd, she was 6 when it happened. So she's very well aware of the fact. Not to mention the fact that dh, ds & I all have blue eyes & dd's are brown. dd feels less than.

I don't know if this is possible but could you do the whole Super Nanny thing & make up a list of rules for all kids to follow. #1 being "We're all 1 family so no name calling" Perhaps give your stepkids a chance to come up with some of their own (as long as they are reasonable).

I told his 2 other boys that Jack is now a part of their family and its okay to call him their brother too, and they said "no mommy said Jack is not our brother, and we are to call Charlie and William by name or half brothers".. Its very upsetting, I see Jack just wanting to fit in.. wanting to be a part of the "brotherhood' and its just little silly things, like say Jack and x are playing wii Y is sitting there shouting on x.. and vice versa.. (sorry but mom is a stalker and I dont want to use the names of children who are not legally related to me, must be the photographer in me with model releases and such!! so I will call his other boys x and y). No matter what jack says, x agrees with y and y agrees with x.. its draining!!!
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  #11  
July 28th, 2011, 06:28 AM
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I will admit that I did not read all the comments. My eyes are bothering me some today.
When my stepson moved out of state, we told him that once he aged out of what we have here, we're not going to keep things for him that he'll only use 3 - 4 times a year and that he'll have to pack things to do. On the flip side of it, when he gets money here (birthday, christmas, etc) he spends it on things he leaves here. We always ask him before he leaves if it is something Little Man can play with while he's gone or if he'd rather it get put up until he's here again. He's usually good about saying LM can play with it, but we do have places (above closet, top of their book shelf) that we can put things if he decides he doesn't want them messed with.
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  #12  
July 28th, 2011, 07:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by twoboys View Post
I told his 2 other boys that Jack is now a part of their family and its okay to call him their brother too, and they said "no mommy said Jack is not our brother, and we are to call Charlie and William by name or half brothers".. Its very upsetting, I see Jack just wanting to fit in.. wanting to be a part of the "brotherhood' and its just little silly things, like say Jack and x are playing wii Y is sitting there shouting on x.. and vice versa.. (sorry but mom is a stalker and I dont want to use the names of children who are not legally related to me, must be the photographer in me with model releases and such!! so I will call his other boys x and y). No matter what jack says, x agrees with y and y agrees with x.. its draining!!!
BM tried that one with DSD and my son. She had told DSD that my son was not her brother because I was his mother not BM. I flipped my lid inside but I calmly explained to DSD that DS was in deed her brother just as much as he was DD's brother. Just because they do not share a mother did not mean that they didn't share a father. And that it's blood relations from both sides, not just moms side that makes siblings. From there on out she understood and never ever said he wasn't her brother again.
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❤ Big Thanks to Vicki, trishosaurus, & Shortcake for the great siggies of my kids! ❤
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  #13  
July 28th, 2011, 08:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by twoboys View Post
I told his 2 other boys that Jack is now a part of their family and its okay to call him their brother too, and they said "no mommy said Jack is not our brother, and we are to call Charlie and William by name or half brothers".. Its very upsetting, I see Jack just wanting to fit in.. wanting to be a part of the "brotherhood' and its just little silly things, like say Jack and x are playing wii Y is sitting there shouting on x.. and vice versa.. (sorry but mom is a stalker and I dont want to use the names of children who are not legally related to me, must be the photographer in me with model releases and such!! so I will call his other boys x and y). No matter what jack says, x agrees with y and y agrees with x.. its draining!!!
I'm a meany so I would tell them that Jake, Charlie and William are their brothers or none of them are their brothers. Your 3 boys are a package deal.

That's basically what both Dh & I did to his oldest dd. She couldn't accept our marriage & really flipped a lid when Dh adopted Lucy. So when she decided she wanted nothing to do with Lucy or I - Noah came with us in the bucket. We are a package deal the 3 of us - it's all or nothing! In our case, his oldest chose not to have a relationship with her brother. Very sad but best for him since she has issues.
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  #14  
July 30th, 2011, 04:33 PM
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Thanks for all the good advice!!
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