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Is it normal??


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  #1  
July 27th, 2011, 12:04 PM
twoboys's Avatar photography co-host!!
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I am on a roll today, figured I would get all these questions out there ...

Is it normal for bio mom to expect the children to call SD "daddy"?? They have not even been married a year yet, got married, moved away and now they tell us they are to call SD "daddy".. Their ages are 9, 6 and 3.

They got here and said they didnt like having to call SD "daddy" but mommy insists they do as they are now a family.. I cant imagine how hard this is for my SO, not only did she move them across country, but now they are calling another new step dad "daddy".. And at least they tell us they dont like doing it.

He did address it with her and she went and flipped her lid saying we were interfering and putting ideas in their heads and they were fine with it when they are with her and how its all our fault and were trying to ruin their ideal family etc..

Does this drama ever end??
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  #2  
July 27th, 2011, 12:20 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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Ughh sorry you're dealing with so much drama. How long have you and your SO been together again? I'm sorry if you've said it before and I don't remember. I too would be upset if the kids were being forced to call anyone other than myself or DH mom and dad. There have been a few times where BM tried it with DSD but we quickly put an end to it. We also reminded BM that if DSD cannot call me mom, then she cannot call anyone else dad. It really pissed us off because I've been in her life longer than any guy she had been with. So if anyone has earned that right it should be me. However, I have never once asked DSD to call me mom. I allow her to call me Liz. If the day ever comes where she wants to call me mom, I won't say word one about it. But I would never ever force the issue nor ask in the first place.
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  #3  
July 27th, 2011, 12:36 PM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
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No. That's a choice the child should make. And honestly I don't encourage any of our kids to do that.
My dd5 calls dh Abagi which is Korean for daddy. But does not call him daddy.
And she did that on her own after hearing sd8 do it.
I'd b ticked.
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  #4  
July 27th, 2011, 01:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
Ughh sorry you're dealing with so much drama. How long have you and your SO been together again? I'm sorry if you've said it before and I don't remember. I too would be upset if the kids were being forced to call anyone other than myself or DH mom and dad. There have been a few times where BM tried it with DSD but we quickly put an end to it. We also reminded BM that if DSD cannot call me mom, then she cannot call anyone else dad. It really pissed us off because I've been in her life longer than any guy she had been with. So if anyone has earned that right it should be me. However, I have never once asked DSD to call me mom. I allow her to call me Liz. If the day ever comes where she wants to call me mom, I won't say word one about it. But I would never ever force the issue nor ask in the first place.
We have been together 4 years.. I know when you do the math there.. yes, he left me and went back to his ex wife and had another child with her... we have been working on this now for 2 years with no interruption and she has now moved on and moved away and remarried..

Last edited by twoboys; July 27th, 2011 at 01:04 PM.
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  #5  
July 27th, 2011, 01:18 PM
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OY such complications. (((hugs))) I agree that if both bio parents are involved is best to leave mommy & daddy as is unless the child feels strongly about it.

I know dh's ex had his dd's calling her new dh (now ex dh) dad but they were older & really tried not to say that in front of dh. But they still slipped up once in a while. Dh's dd's will never call me mom as we don't have that type of relationship. I only see the youngest 3-4 times per year.

I'd go with Liz's approach. Say "ok than they have to call me mom" See how she likes that. I know my dh's ex wanted to really erase him from their family tree and pretend that her new dh was the kids dad - even sent us Christmas cards with their family portrait in it
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  #6  
July 27th, 2011, 01:40 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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Quote:
Originally Posted by twoboys View Post
We have been together 4 years.. I know when you do the math there.. yes, he left me and went back to his ex wife and had another child with her... we have been working on this now for 2 years with no interruption and she has now moved on and moved away and remarried..
Ahhhh I see why this is all so stressful on you now. You've been a trooper thus far. Good luck with it. I really do hope it all works out.
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  #7  
July 27th, 2011, 02:06 PM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
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Oh man. I don't have any more advice than what's already given, but I'm glad to know there are other families out there with stuff going on in their lives as bad as what's going on in ours. I can totally synpathize with all your drama.
(except the part where your dh had a kid w his ex-I'd have prob put my foot so far up his arse it would come out his nose.

But seriously. I wish we were neighbors. I'd have you over for coffee !

Sometimes I get on the verge of losing it. And think man, I could just walkaway right now!!!
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  #8  
July 27th, 2011, 02:51 PM
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In my opinion, if it's the child's choice to call the step parent "mom" or "dad" then it's up to the child & should be tolerated. However, it should not be forced on them.

I know when I was in high school, I called all my friends' parents "mom" and "dad". My parents were never threatened by this.
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  #9  
July 27th, 2011, 03:48 PM
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Children should never be forced to call anyone "mom", "dad" or any other terms referring to a parental role. IMO, even if a bio parent has been out of the picture for years and then suddenly steps in, the child should still not be forced to call them "mom" or "dad".

My DSS has called me "mom" on occasion, but I've been in his life since he was 2. I've been there as a mother figure more than his own mother since my BF and I have been together and as far as I'm concerned what he calls me while he is in our care is fine with me. Most of the time he does call me "Amanda" but sometimes it's "mom" or "mommy".

There was a point in time that he was calling me "mommy" and BM by her name and not just with us. She was irrate, but he was so young at the time and at that point, I was a SAHM with him and he was with me 90% of the time. It was never something I forced or even suggested and this was before my DD was even born so it wasn't something he picked up from her.
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  #10  
July 27th, 2011, 09:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kangaroo View Post
Oh man. I don't have any more advice than what's already given, but I'm glad to know there are other families out there with stuff going on in their lives as bad as what's going on in ours. I can totally synpathize with all your drama.
(except the part where your dh had a kid w his ex-I'd have prob put my foot so far up his arse it would come out his nose.

But seriously. I wish we were neighbors. I'd have you over for coffee !

Sometimes I get on the verge of losing it. And think man, I could just walkaway right now!!!
Oh, believe me I wanted to put my foot up his arse.. It was a hard pill to swallow.. I mean the story goes on and on and on.. but I dont want to come across as the drama queen... I wish we lived next door too, I would happily take you up on that coffee..

I guess I just wonder when you do actually say when is it enough?? when do you walk away with your sanity intact?? Is it better to walk away as friends, or forcing it to work to the point of no return to being able to be civil again? Its really sad..

Just to add, before she met her current husband, she had complete meltdowns and yelling and screaming saying over her dead body would her children ever call me mom.. and we never forced the issue, I as a mother respect how strong that word is and who it should be applied to, its just now she contradicts herself by allowing her children to call the step dad "daddy"...

SO was on the phone with them one day and SD walked in the door and the kiddos said.. "daddys home".. it was crushing and I cant even imagine ...
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