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What can we do about my stepson? Nothing seems to work!


Forum: Blended Families

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  #1  
September 12th, 2011, 12:43 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1
Brandon, my step son lose his mother about half a year ago and doesnít want to move in with us at all. But we made him move in with us. We have been trying everything to help him out as much as possible. We have been trying really hard to keep him as happy as possible, but nothing seems to work.

We have a large house, two large flat screen tv for everyone to use, Netflix account, wireless internet, nearly every video game systems and tons of games available, and everyone have their own laptop and tv in their room as well.
We thought Brandon would be so excitied about this since back home, his family doesnít have a tv and have to share one laptop. It was totally opposite, he havenít touched any video game systems, never sat down to watch tv, use laptop only for a hour or two at night, and even took his brand new flat screen tv apart to make a ceiling mounted projector for his laptop so he can use wireless keyboard and mouse!

Brandon keep asking for membership to rock climbing gym or mixed martial arts gym since he use to have both back home.We donít want to pay for it because if we did, all kids will want this or that and it would get expensive and become difficult to transport everyone and we really donít have time to drive them around all day.

Brandon end up always stay in garage tinkering with things if heís not out running around. Heís never home either. He also really hate school now since it doesnít provide ROTC program like as his old school did. He have been known to manipulate kids into things as well. We just found out the rumor of him being responsible for getting four kids arrested was true and he got away!

He have been sneaking out for a long time and it is always incredibly hard to catch him. We have caught him only twice and even then it wasnít easy and take a lot of works and efforts.

We also just found out that he was making a lot of things we donít approve of in garage! He have been making lock picking kit, firework materials, climbing gears, night vision goggle that actually work, and other things.

He also doesnít seems to have any friend or anything. Heís always lone and distant. Punishing him doesnít work at all either. He just keep say he donít even want to be here and hate living here.

It is extremely hard and stressful. This is just tip of iceberg, there are so much more going on and that is just what we found out. We donít know what to do any more.
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  #2  
September 12th, 2011, 01:57 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NYC
Posts: 13,499
Run don't walk with him to a professional. That boy needs someone OUTSIDE of the home to talk to. He's going through something big and trying to pacify him materialistically will not do the trick. He need real help. Not the kind you can buy at a store. He needs to talk about the loss of his mother and the subsequent move that he did not want.
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  #3  
September 12th, 2011, 04:56 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 2,394
Please don't take offense to this, because I totally get your reasons. However, I think it is a BIG mistake to not let him continue to be involved in activities that he used to be involved in. I really believe letting him get involved in things that he used to be involved in. Maybe have him choose which he'd rather since you can't afford to do both rock climbing and martial arts, but I really think that an effort should be made to get him into one or the other. (not to mention so much healthier than sitting in front of the mounds of video games you are offering him)

I also think it's awesome that he doesn't want to spend all day tied to electronics and stuff but would rather tinker and use his mind. Granted, what he's tinkering with leaves a lot to be desired. Maybe find a way to focus his tinkering on more appropriate things. See if his school has a shop class. Since his school doesn't have a ROTC program, check if there is a Civil Air Patrol in your area. (it's an auxiliary of the Air Force) CAP is nationwide, so I'd bet there is one local. (Civil Air Patrol - United States Air Force Auxiliary)

Lastly, I do agree wholeheartedly with KAT about seeking professional help. I'm sure it's a lot to lose a parent at any age, but ESPECIALLY as a teen. And to go to a house that sounds DRASTICALLY different.....
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  #4  
September 13th, 2011, 05:47 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 972
Get him some professional help. He will hopefully benefit from it.

Let him be in at least one activity he enjoys. He may not like TV and Video games.
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  #5  
September 13th, 2011, 02:26 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,310
I totally agree that he needs some counseling. And that all of your fancy electronics WILL NOT replace his mother. I had my dd in counseling with a child therapist for a year with all the stuff her bio dad put us through & it helped tremendously!

And I personally am thrilled that my kids don't sit around playing video games & watching tv all day. I love that we don't even own a video gaming system & my kids are 5 & 9. My 9 year old barely goes on the computer. What are they doing? Well when not in T-ball & basketball (ds 5), Dance - tap, ballet, hip hop, poms & gymnastics (dd 9) they are either outside playing with their friends, playing imaginative games by themselves (cars, dolls etc) or doing art projects.

But I do get that you thought he'd like the freedom & perks of your house. I experienced that with my Dh's oldest. I thought she'd love coming to visit with us because we let her do things (within reason) that her mother didn't. But she hated it. She wasn't used to having any freedom or making any decisions for herself - seriously at 12 years old her mother picked out her clothes every day & told her how to wear her hair. She couldn't adjust. So I can imagine adjusting to an entirely different household on top of losing your mom would be too much for a kid to handle on his own.
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  #6  
September 17th, 2011, 12:41 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
Run don't walk with him to a professional. That boy needs someone OUTSIDE of the home to talk to. He's going through something big and trying to pacify him materialistically will not do the trick. He need real help. Not the kind you can buy at a store. He needs to talk about the loss of his mother and the subsequent move that he did not want.
I agree with K.A.T. my DS is in therapy and has been since my divorce with my ex and when I remarried to DH and we had so many changes in our lives he needed more therapy and we see a counselor, a psyhcitrist and an at home therapist who comes to see what really goes on at home and school. It's been 3 years since my divorce and 1 year married to DH and DS is thriving and I love it! I am very happy with his changes he has made big leaps and bounds.

Only thing is DH doesn't acknowledge them and still is always on his case. When you see DSS progressing please make sure you let him know how proud you are of him. He is going through a lot and this blending families thing isn't for the weak of heart. It's hard on us all! GL. (((HUGS)))
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  #7  
September 22nd, 2011, 05:03 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 555
I agree with everyone else. Get professional help. I am starting that process with DSD right now.
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