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How do you guys handle holidays?


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  #1  
October 14th, 2011, 08:09 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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For those who have your kids primarily, how does it work for holidays for you.


DH is entitled to every other holiday, with the opposite holiday the following year with his son. Now, because of the type of work he does, his ex gets to keep him for most holidays because we're not in state for them. Which is fine for most holidays... but I'm mostly interested in how you do Christmas.



DH wants to see him Christmas day, in the evening so we can do our Christmas celebration with him. How would you all feel if your ex asked to have your child Christmas night for the night. How would you feel if they would not/could not extend the same courtesy to you for their holiday?

(keep in mind this is his FIRST Christmas after the divorce)


How would you feel if on their holiday they were away/out of state/out of country?


I'm not American (yet). We won't be around every year for Christmas, as part of the agreement we made when I agreed to marry him was that every couple years (two or three) we would go home so I could see my family. We were just wondering what everyone's thoughts were about whether we should take DSS with us (and effectively take him away from his mom for the holiday's) or arrange to leave him behind and go on his holiday's with his mother instead (which I'm afraid will result in him feeling like we don't want him around, we've already had a few incidents where we've gone somewhere with out him and he's had a total breakdown).

They made an agreement that neither would interfere with the family life of the other involving their son. While she can tell him that he cannot take him with to Canada, it would go against their agreement and she'd need a court order. We're more worried about the right and wrong of taking a child from it's mother for the holidays.
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  #2  
October 15th, 2011, 09:21 AM
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T always spends the holidays with us, her bio sperm donor is not in her life. With Doni, Kev has alternate holidays just as Woody does. However, BM never abides by it and DH just allows for it to happen. So it ends up being Easter (some times), Thanksgiving (always), The day or so after Xmas through New Years, which is her birthday. On rare occasions he can get her later Xmas day. Oh and we usually get her for any and all 3 day weekends unless she's going away with her mom some where.
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  #3  
October 17th, 2011, 02:50 PM
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DSS is with us full time, but we kept the holidays the same as they were before. She gets him from the last day of school, until Christmas day @ 2, and we get the rest of the time. DSD, we get her on Christmas day as well, and then for the following week. But DSD's mom is pretty flexible, so far that's the way that it has worked, but her family does Christmas on the 24th, so if were in our week, we would let her go for sure.
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  #4  
October 17th, 2011, 08:34 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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thanks both of you!

When we're in country, christmas isn't a problem. He'd have 0 problem sharing the day for Christmas, that way they'd both get to enjoy the holiday with their son. Just tough when we'd be leaving on the 20th or 22nd and coming back a week later... And while I usually wouldn't try and pull him away from his child for the holidays... we've got my family to think of too, since it's not economically feasible to think they'll be able to take any trips down here, and we'd have nowhere to put 30 people anyway.

It wont matter for a few years, but once we have children together, I'd like my family to get to see them for an occasional holiday. I mean, we come to Illinois yearly for Thanksgiving to see his family....


it's just tough because I know how I'd feel in her place. Someone trying to take my child away from me for Christmas? I'd go postal (I'd be ok with the half day.. but not with being far away)
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  #5  
October 18th, 2011, 06:55 AM
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Dh's kids are with their mother most of the time but it sounds like the holiday schedule is similar - alternating holidays and opposite holidays every year (e.g. last year we had them for Thanksgiving and she had them for Christmas, this year she will have them for Thanksgiving and we'll have them for Christmas).

In our situation, as long as they were picked up and dropped off when they were supposed to be and as long as no one's safety was in question, I don't think their mother would object to much. This is the first Christmas in your situation so I don't know how raw things are.

Just for your knowledge...

Quote:
They made an agreement that neither would interfere with the family life of the other involving their son. While she can tell him that he cannot take him with to Canada, it would go against their agreement and she'd need a court order. We're more worried about the right and wrong of taking a child from it's mother for the holidays.
She actually can stop him from taking him. Their settlement agreement unfortunately doesn't matter to the CBP - any child crossing the border needs to have consent from his or her parents. Your dh will be with him so his consent would be obvious, but they very likely will ask for written consent from your dss's mother and they are allowed to deny entry if you cannot provide it.

Legally, though, you could file a contempt order if she failed to provide written consent if that would go against their settlement agreement (which it sounds like it might - the wording sounds a little vague to me but I'm sure how things are worded vary from state to state) but keep in mind those things can take a lot of time sometimes and I would hate for y'all to be waiting on legislation and miss out on the holidays anyway.

I hope it isn't a problem for you when the time comes. Here's hoping it can be settled peacefully and smoothly.
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  #6  
October 18th, 2011, 08:31 AM
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You know what, I just remembered. In order to cross the Canadian border, Woody will have to get a notarized letter from Reme's mom, along with his birth certificate, in order to cross the boarder. Kev has to give one to Doni's mom when she took Doni to Canada about 2 years back.
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  #7  
October 18th, 2011, 11:41 AM
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Can you spend time after the actually holiday? Go for New Years instead?

Honestly for me, it was really important for my kids to be in their home on Christmas day. But that's just me. So if it were me, I'd leave the day after Christmas or do New Years.

In our situation, Dh is supposed to get every other holiday which we did for the 1st couple of years. Bio mom moved them 4 hours away btw. Anyway, then his oldest started causing problems and doesn't stay with us anymore. We didn't see the youngest for 1 1/2 years because bio mom was being a b & honestly dh has no balls - even though he didn't want his oldest in our house either. But last year dsd put her foot down & demanded time with us. So we settled on New Years because we didn't want to separate the sisters on Christmas.

We're not sure yet for this year. Bio mom yeared her ugly head this summer enforcing the summer schedule to the day (which we never had before) so we might go for Christmas. Dh's oldest is turning 17 & his youngest 12 so ..... But who knows.

Hopefully you can come to a happy solution for everyone!
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  #8  
October 22nd, 2011, 02:52 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keakie View Post
Dh's kids are with their mother most of the time but it sounds like the holiday schedule is similar - alternating holidays and opposite holidays every year (e.g. last year we had them for Thanksgiving and she had them for Christmas, this year she will have them for Thanksgiving and we'll have them for Christmas).

In our situation, as long as they were picked up and dropped off when they were supposed to be and as long as no one's safety was in question, I don't think their mother would object to much. This is the first Christmas in your situation so I don't know how raw things are.

Just for your knowledge...



She actually can stop him from taking him. Their settlement agreement unfortunately doesn't matter to the CBP - any child crossing the border needs to have consent from his or her parents. Your dh will be with him so his consent would be obvious, but they very likely will ask for written consent from your dss's mother and they are allowed to deny entry if you cannot provide it.

Legally, though, you could file a contempt order if she failed to provide written consent if that would go against their settlement agreement (which it sounds like it might - the wording sounds a little vague to me but I'm sure how things are worded vary from state to state) but keep in mind those things can take a lot of time sometimes and I would hate for y'all to be waiting on legislation and miss out on the holidays anyway.

I hope it isn't a problem for you when the time comes. Here's hoping it can be settled peacefully and smoothly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
You know what, I just remembered. In order to cross the Canadian border, Woody will have to get a notarized letter from Reme's mom, along with his birth certificate, in order to cross the boarder. Kev has to give one to Doni's mom when she took Doni to Canada about 2 years back.
To both of you, yes I know. They have a separate agreement in their custody regarding foreign travel. They could end up back in court if the other objected to travel. We wont make travel arrangements for DSS until we have the written permission from her, and if she won't let him go, she has to explain why he isn't spending the holiday with dad (and she has to tell him the truth).

We'll be testing her this year.. with "Can we take him to Canada for 3 weeks this summer." I hope she does let him, mostly because we do not want to have to explain why he didn't get to go to his daddy's wedding....

Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
Can you spend time after the actually holiday? Go for New Years instead?

Honestly for me, it was really important for my kids to be in their home on Christmas day. But that's just me. So if it were me, I'd leave the day after Christmas or do New Years.

In our situation, Dh is supposed to get every other holiday which we did for the 1st couple of years. Bio mom moved them 4 hours away btw. Anyway, then his oldest started causing problems and doesn't stay with us anymore. We didn't see the youngest for 1 1/2 years because bio mom was being a b & honestly dh has no balls - even though he didn't want his oldest in our house either. But last year dsd put her foot down & demanded time with us. So we settled on New Years because we didn't want to separate the sisters on Christmas.

We're not sure yet for this year. Bio mom yeared her ugly head this summer enforcing the summer schedule to the day (which we never had before) so we might go for Christmas. Dh's oldest is turning 17 & his youngest 12 so ..... But who knows.

Hopefully you can come to a happy solution for everyone!
Would be no point. The goal is to go for Christmas, my family works between the two holidays so going home then would mean the kids wouldn't get to see their grandmother for more than a few minutes at a time because she works 12hours a day. I'm my mother's only daughter, my grandparents pride and joy.. I want to give them a few opportunities to be with my kids for Christmas... and I don't want to exclude DSS because I don't want jealousy issues forming between the kids and because as challenging as that little boy is.. he won my heart over quickly.

And to think, I spent 8 years refusing to date a man with a child.. guess I was just holding out for the right man and child...
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  #9  
October 24th, 2011, 11:21 AM
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Doesn't your family get any vacation? Would it be possible for them to take time off during that period the years you'd be going. Seems to me like a fair compromise.

Sometimes you have to pick your battles. We'd love to have dsd for Christmas & be together as a whole family but we can't. So we deal. Sometime life doesn't work out the way you want it to.
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  #10  
October 27th, 2011, 10:53 AM
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How old is the child in this case?

I think honestly taking a child out of country during holidays is a little extreme.
Unless the divorce was planned around your families schedule, it would be hard to expect bio mom to be ok with all this.
And what about the Childs feelings on it as well?
As a bio, I'd be pretty upset if my ex asked to take my kids out of state or out of country just to spend the holidays with his new brides family.
Just IMHO. If it were ex husbands immediate family that my child NEEDED to see and continue a bond with, I might be a bit flexible.

For example...our arrangement is that I have them until Christmas eve one year and he has them from Christmas eve to new years.
Next year we swap.
However I allow the kids to spend Christmas eve w exh family until 9 pm at least each year bc they've always done it and it's HIS family
I'd not likely give up my holiday time w my bios just to let them do Christmas eve w their sm's family.
In return my exh gives me a few hours on Christmas day with my kids on the years I'm not supposed to have them. We do this each year and are flexible to allow as much family time as possible. Just depends on the planned events.
And its not to belittle their time w SM family but I do feel more of an importance during holidays with the bio parents and bio family.
Personally.
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  #11  
October 27th, 2011, 11:01 AM
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Also there are times my dh's family has holiday events during holiday time that bio dad has the kids. I'd not feel ok asking their dad to forfeit time with them just to allow them to be w dh's family.
Ours are sort of getting to the age though that I let them choose.
If it's my time to have them but they COME to ME and tell me they prefer to be w dad, I let them. I'm happy if they are happy.that's why I asked your Childs age bc maybe it's something the child can also have an opinion on.

Since I have two kids, I encourage them to make the choice together and not separate if they can help it but I'm thinking in the future as they get older they may start making diff choices.
Dd prefers doing a lot w dad. Bs prefers being w me.
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  #12  
November 7th, 2011, 12:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
Doesn't your family get any vacation? Would it be possible for them to take time off during that period the years you'd be going. Seems to me like a fair compromise.

Sometimes you have to pick your battles. We'd love to have dsd for Christmas & be together as a whole family but we can't. So we deal. Sometime life doesn't work out the way you want it to.
My family are fisherman and carpenters. They are guaranteed Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing day (day after in canada) off. After that live returns to normal. A Trip off is a huge loss of money and almost always occurs during the summer to go visit family in other provinces. My mom takes no time off, she can't afford to since there isn't always work to do year round and no unemployment since she's considered self employed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Doodlebug06 View Post
How old is the child in this case?

I think honestly taking a child out of country during holidays is a little extreme.
Unless the divorce was planned around your families schedule, it would be hard to expect bio mom to be ok with all this.
And what about the Childs feelings on it as well?
As a bio, I'd be pretty upset if my ex asked to take my kids out of state or out of country just to spend the holidays with his new brides family.
Just IMHO. If it were ex husbands immediate family that my child NEEDED to see and continue a bond with, I might be a bit flexible.

For example...our arrangement is that I have them until Christmas eve one year and he has them from Christmas eve to new years.
Next year we swap.
However I allow the kids to spend Christmas eve w exh family until 9 pm at least each year bc they've always done it and it's HIS family
I'd not likely give up my holiday time w my bios just to let them do Christmas eve w their sm's family.
In return my exh gives me a few hours on Christmas day with my kids on the years I'm not supposed to have them. We do this each year and are flexible to allow as much family time as possible. Just depends on the planned events.
And its not to belittle their time w SM family but I do feel more of an importance during holidays with the bio parents and bio family.
Personally.
I don't understand this.

She gets every other holiday with him. If we decide to get in the car and leave the state for every holiday that is ours there is NOTHING she can do or say about it. But to leave the country the parent that is not in attendance needs to have given written permission. And we might very well leave the state and visit his family for a holiday other than thanksgiving.

She'd technically not be losing any of her given time with him if we went away as there is no "set time" other than DH is to have him 50% of the time while not working.. which will mean his breaks and weekends since taking him to our place would disrupt his schedule for school. And of course the opposite holidays. The parent entitled to Christmas evening is the one who has them that holiday.



My sister feels different than you do, and she's a step child. She felt left out and unwanted by my mom's family for a long time because she didn't really interact with them. She didn't visit for the holidays we spent with them.. only the one's that were her blood relatives. She never said anything until she was well into her 20's. I do not want my step son to feel that way. Because of her experience, my family is extremely careful to include all the step kids in the family (there are six) as often as possible. Because of the Border, Reme risks not being included at all.
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Last edited by plan4fate; November 7th, 2011 at 12:33 PM.
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  #13  
November 7th, 2011, 02:33 PM
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With DSD, the state guidelines say one parent gets her for 1/2 the holiday and the other gets her for the other 1/2. It doesn't work well AT ALL b/c it prevents us from doing/planning anything. For example, last year, her mom had her from 6 pm on Christmas Eve until 11 am on Christmas Day. Then she came back here on Christmas Day. It didn't work well. So I talked to her mom and we are going to switch off holidays every other year. This year, we are supposed to spend Christmas with my ex and his fiancee. We are all good friends (weird, I know) and we figured it would make more sense to do one big Christmas.
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  #14  
November 8th, 2011, 10:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Tithen~ View Post
My family are fisherman and carpenters. They are guaranteed Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing day (day after in canada) off. After that live returns to normal. A Trip off is a huge loss of money and almost always occurs during the summer to go visit family in other provinces. My mom takes no time off, she can't afford to since there isn't always work to do year round and no unemployment since she's considered self employed.



I don't understand this.

She gets every other holiday with him. If we decide to get in the car and leave the state for every holiday that is ours there is NOTHING she can do or say about it. But to leave the country the parent that is not in attendance needs to have given written permission. And we might very well leave the state and visit his family for a holiday other than thanksgiving.

She'd technically not be losing any of her given time with him if we went away as there is no "set time" other than DH is to have him 50% of the time while not working.. which will mean his breaks and weekends since taking him to our place would disrupt his schedule for school. And of course the opposite holidays. The parent entitled to Christmas evening is the one who has them that holiday.



My sister feels different than you do, and she's a step child. She felt left out and unwanted by my mom's family for a long time because she didn't really interact with them. She didn't visit for the holidays we spent with them.. only the one's that were her blood relatives. She never said anything until she was well into her 20's. I do not want my step son to feel that way. Because of her experience, my family is extremely careful to include all the step kids in the family (there are six) as often as possible. Because of the Border, Reme risks not being included at all.
Interesting. My dad is a carpenter & he always had time off during the holidays. He lives in a northern climate as well so work was always slow.

I hope his bio mom agrees to let him go with you.
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November 8th, 2011, 10:30 AM
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That's sort of why I'm asking the age of said child.
If the child Is of a decent mature age, she would know her feelings on being excluded and could somewhat help make a decision on where she'd like to be on that day.
If it's a very young child, I can't say myself I'd be ok with allowing an out of country visit. That's just me. And I'm just seeing it from a bio mom or bio dad point of view.
My dh's family is from Korea. And I can say for sure my exh would absolutely not allow me to take my bios to visit inlaws in Korea even if for my whole holiday week. Mine are 5 and 10 years old though. And that's just our set up.
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  #16  
November 8th, 2011, 04:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
Interesting. My dad is a carpenter & he always had time off during the holidays. He lives in a northern climate as well so work was always slow.

I hope his bio mom agrees to let him go with you.
My uncle is a workaholic and she works for him. Since the cost of living is so high in Canada, extra time off just doesn't happen unless it's for medical reasons. I'm sort of hoping she'll give up her duplex and move somewhere more affordable when my brothers move out next year.

And I hope she does too.

1/2 of our major family vacations will be to Canada to see my family as well as the sights of the country (the other half will be seeing the sights in the US). I think it would be sad to leave DSS out of the family vacation every other year just because it's to where MY family lives just because I'm a step parent. DH has a list of places up there he wants to go (everywhere from the Viking Settlements in Newfoundland to Orca beaches in BC. Course a BC trip would mean not seeing my family... total opposite side of the country lol.
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  #17  
November 9th, 2011, 10:18 AM
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My dad's a workaholic too. He's 67 & is only semi-retired. And when he isn't working for other people, he's working on his own home. He heats his 3,500 square foot home solely with large trees he cuts down himself. Crazy! But I think if he ever stops, he will die. It's just that where he lives has a ton of snow & it prohibits some work in the winter months.

I can't imagine there being an issue with going out of the country itself. It just may be more of the Christmas thing.

Blended families are so complicated. You just never know what's going to set someone off.
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November 10th, 2011, 11:49 AM
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Our order gives her half of each major holiday and all day Mother's Day and he gets all day Father's Day. The last few years we've given her more time, but she generally doesn't ask for it.

With my ex husband, we worked things out. Our order was worded similarly to the one with Neely's ex, but we worked together and everyone was happy. Generally my kids would wake up Christmas morning with him and then come home and have a big breakfast with us before we did gifts at my house. Usually he had breakfast with us too. Now that my kids are older and drive, I let them do whatever they want to do.
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  #19  
November 11th, 2011, 12:36 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Thanks Girls.

He called to say Happy Birthday to his dad and then asked if we were going to Canada for Christmas and was he coming with. rotflmao. We've never mentioned taking him to Canada except to one day see both sides of Niagara falls (he saw them on tv and asked to go when he "gets bigger"), but since he's seen my family on Skype (during a wedding) he does nothing but ask.

His mom laughed and said "not this year buggy, maybe in a few years when daddy and Ashley have to go there for Christmas you might be able to go with."... that sounded like good possibilities!
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  #20  
November 11th, 2011, 06:25 AM
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That does sound promising! Good to hear!
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