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  #1  
April 20th, 2012, 01:44 PM
MidnightMaiden's Avatar )O( Blessed Be )O(
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Kelowna, B.C
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I need to talk to some ladies who have maybe been through this before.

I'm new to this step-mom thing, and there are days where I feel I'm just not cut out for it. DSS is a handful. I'm used to my sweet little girl, who is quiet, and sweet and plays quietly on her own. DSS on the other hand, talks non stop, cops attitude, has some anger issues, has some attitude issues and DP has mentioned ADD.
It's an adjustment for me, but when he doesn't listen to me I'm never quite sure what to do. We do time-outs with him because really, he doesn't get it any other way. I'll put him in time out but I always feels bad.

He's become rather hit happy lately. He's hi DD a couple times, and of course being her mommy my first instinct is to be really angry. DP deals with it really well since not only does he not believe in hitting, but hitting girls is a whole other touchy subject. I mean DSS has even gone as far as to hit his BM's BF. Like, punched him in the nose and gave him a bloody nose.

Now there are days where he's really good. He listens and is good and there's no problems. But then there's days where he doesn't listen to a work that comes out of anyone's mouth, even his daddy's. I had talked to DP about being easier on DSS, but since he's been easier DSS had just gotten out of hand.

I just needed to vent. There's days where I'm at my wits end with DSS and I'm glad his mom is comin to get him. Which makes me feel bad. I mean, he turns 4 this summer, and if this is what he's like now, how is he gonna be as he gets older?
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  #2  
April 20th, 2012, 06:15 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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I'm not going to lie and say it will get easier. It might and it might not. I will say that with time you and he will adjust. DSD used to and still can annoy me to high heavens at times. She's very different from my DD who is very quiet and well behaved. DSD is loud extremely active and has entitlement issues. DS can be loud very active and plain old stubborn. Dealing with him has helped me deal with DSD. You and DP have to be on the same page on how to handle DS, that way if the issue arises you can deal with DS the same way. It will take time but it can improve.
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  #3  
April 23rd, 2012, 07:35 AM
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I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm not new to this at all! I've been dealing with this for about 11 years now. It takes a lot of patience to deal with a child like that! My step-son has ADHD, and I'm thinking he may have Attachment Disorder, makes life difficult for us all at times. He has anger outbursts and they were sooo much worse when he was living with BM, now in the last 3 years that he's been living with us, theres been a lot of improvement. Not eliminated, but getting better. DSS used to be very handsy too with my DD. Mind you she was just little when he would try to hit or grab her. We didn't tolerate it at all. He was in major trouble when it happened, but over time, he just started to understand that were not a family that hits. His BM hit him, she spanked him as well and not to start a debate but I think there are just some kids you shouldn't spank because they're more inept to hit others because of that form of punishment. I don't spank because of that and other reasons. I will still make my kids' lives miserable though when they behave badly lol

I think much of my SS' past behavioral issues stemmed from the turmoil he was living in. There was no consistency, a lack of stability, and bad examples all around him. His mother has always acted out of anger when she didn't get her way. She has major entitlement issues, shes very self centered. So there was sooo much to teach my DSS about how to treat others and that the world didn't revolve around him. How to control his anger. And very importantly, we tried and still try to show him he's worthy of our time, love and attention. I think his mother has made him feel otherwise by her actions. And boy has it been quite a ride! But worth it.

I think it's more difficult when all parents involved are on different pages when it comes to how a child is treated or disciplined, or how serious some behaviors are. Unfortunately, in our situation, the lines of communication aren't very open. Even if they were BM wouldn't be concerned with what were trying to accomplish, she doesn't care about anything that doesn't directly affect her. In her eyes, how DSS behaves is no longer her problem. I honestly compare her to an aunt, like a fun, I-don't-care-what-you-do kind of aunt and not a mother, it's that bad. If it's different for you and the communication is great, take advantage of that. If the bad behavior can be nipped in the bud now, it will be so much easier for you guys in the future!
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  #4  
April 23rd, 2012, 09:09 AM
pmdc5286's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I have a 12 y/o DSS who is Autistic, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Bipolar. He has his challenges. You have to find your stern mom voice. Not a light conversational "Stop doing that", but a firm, "We don't hit in our house, you are going to your room for x minutes for hitting" Be stern and firm. He will see that you mean business. When he acts out, immediately remove him from the activity. If he is playing, remove him to his room. On his return, make him apologize. If you are in a store, leave. He will get the picture, Robert did. A conversational voice did not work with him. It has to be my firm "mom" voice so he knows I mean business.


One night his dad was working and he got mad at mo over something minor ( I can't remember what it was). It was shower time. He sat down in the floor and looked at me with his "mad" face and said "I'm not taking a shower" I looked right back at him and said "Sean is bigger than you he will pick you up and put you in the shower and bathe you!" He got his tail up and Sean said he was in the shower before he could get the water adjusted for him (this was in the early days of Jonah and I living together and Robert had not learned how to start his shower water, open a car door or make a sandwich at 10)
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  #5  
April 23rd, 2012, 09:40 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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I don't really have any advice because I had no children to blend with my stepchildren, but I wanted to at least offer .
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  #6  
April 23rd, 2012, 04:18 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
I'm not going to lie and say it will get easier. It might and it might not. I will say that with time you and he will adjust. DSD used to and still can annoy me to high heavens at times. She's very different from my DD who is very quiet and well behaved. DSD is loud extremely active and has entitlement issues. DS can be loud very active and plain old stubborn. Dealing with him has helped me deal with DSD. You and DP have to be on the same page on how to handle DS, that way if the issue arises you can deal with DS the same way. It will take time but it can improve.
I agree. ((hugs))
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  #7  
April 24th, 2012, 06:44 AM
LoriLou35's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 388
Honestly, it just takes time. I find myself feeling that way sometimes, and I have found one thing that helps. I just have to tell myself (sometimes constantly) that she is JUST a kid! I was a child of divorce, and I had a stepmother that hated me. I just know that I don't want to be that person for my DSD. I am 35 years old and I have almost NO relationship with my dad because of his wife.
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  #8  
April 29th, 2012, 08:25 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 3,769
Big Hugs, I was only 19 when I got handed two kids 1 and 3 and I had NO IDEA what to do with them.
its now four years later and we've had our disaster moments and a lot of times I didn't know If I could do this, I've learned that you can't let yourself feel guilty for being frustrated with them and not wanting them there, its natural. I won't tell you everything will magically get better because sometimes I feel like its harder now than ever but you will adjust and learn what works for your family.
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