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How would you have handled this?


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  #1  
May 31st, 2012, 12:27 PM
pmdc5286's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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On Monday, the two youngest and I had picked Jonah up at work and all of us had gotten behind Dani's dad in the road. She asked why he had not called her or anything and I told her I did not know, which is true. She started crying a little and said she misses her Daddy and wants to see him. We told her we knew she missed him and got her calmed down.

When we got home, we had an evil child, very different from sweet Dani. She was yelling and screaming at Robert for everything, even looking at her. She cried because the tv remote batteries died! At first I thought nap time was in order and told her it was time to go lay down and rest. After she went to her room, she was still crying and Jonah and I talked, and wondered if it had to do with seeing her dad in the road. We brought her into our room for some cuddles and asked her what was wrong and sure enough she wanted her Daddy.

I asked her if she understood why I made the decision I did about her seeing her dad and she said no. I had only told her that she can't see her dad while he is drinking like he is. This time I went more in depth and told her about how dangerous it is to be drinking and driving and what can happen to her when her dad is drinking and driving and we talked about the incidents where she saw her dad hit his now newly divorced ex-wife while drunk and how bad that scared her. She told me how bad it scares her when her daddy gets mean when he is drunk and has hit her big sister and she gets scared he will hit her too. I explained that it is my job as her mommy to make sure she is safe.

I also told her that Daddy can see her by meeting us at the park or Chik-fil-a or somewhere like that as long as he is sober. She likes that idea too.

Would you have went as in depth with the explanation with your child or just let it go with "Daddy can't see you while he is drinking"

She calmed down a lot after the talk and hugs and is not nearly as moody as she was. She is actually going to her Nana's Sunday (Lee's mom's) for a little while. I fully trust her not to have Dani around Lee if he is drinking and know she will not jeopardize her chances to see Dani. We have worked together before when her and Lee had a fall out so she could see Dani. I told her Lee can see her, just not drunk.
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  #2  
May 31st, 2012, 01:02 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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How old is she again? Depending on age depends on my answer. If she's older like almost pre teen age, then I think I would have handled it the same way. If she's younger like say 8 or smaller, I would have probably said that Daddy is too sick right now and that's why. Once he gets better she can see him again. It's a tough situation to be in for both of you.
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  #3  
May 31st, 2012, 02:27 PM
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Yes, did it when Lucy was much, much younger. She knows exactly why I fought to keep her away from her bio dad. She knows he is bipolar & refused to get treatment so he's unsafe. It's sad that she had to know these things at 5-6 years old but it's much better than her thinking it's because there is something wrong with her.

The only thing she doesn't know is that he gave up his parental rights because he didn't want to pay child support. I told her it was because he loved her & wanted her to have the best life. Not a total lie - I believe he loves her.
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  #4  
May 31st, 2012, 03:05 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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Poor baby. It sounds like you handled it fine, and I hope he can get it together for an afternoon at the playground at the very least.

It's always hard to know how much detail to share when it comes to these kinds of things. I think a lot of it depends on the age and maturity of the child. It doesn't sound like anything you shared with her was too much, and if she's aware that he drinks and has seen him become violent and dangerous anyway, I think it's important that it be addressed.
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  #5  
May 31st, 2012, 03:28 PM
pmdc5286's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Kat,

Dani is 9, but she is very smart and sometimes too smart for her own good. I did not want to go into too much detail with her because I did not want her to think I was talking bad about her dad, but I will not lie for them. That is one thing my kids have never heard me do is talk bad about their other parent. Sean at almost 16 has made up his own mind about his bio dad, and his lack of interest in his life. The other two love their parents and I do not want to change that.
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  #6  
May 31st, 2012, 03:49 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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9 can be such a tricky age, but if she's mature, then she deserved to know.
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  #7  
May 31st, 2012, 04:58 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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I would have done the same thing. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it's necessary! ((hugs))
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  #8  
June 1st, 2012, 11:31 AM
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She's 9 so I think you handled it perfectly. Kids are smarter than we think and I truly believe it hurts children when we underestimate their intelligence and don't play straight with them. We're going through this now with M and he's suffered so much pain from adults just not being fully honest with him. He honestly thought his daddy didn't love him. And know he knows and he understand his daddy serves his country and he's a happier boy for it. I really hope Dani's dad will realize what an awesome little girl he has and quit drinking.
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