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  #1  
June 4th, 2012, 08:09 PM
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You found out your 15 year old stepdaughter was "sexting"??

We have caught her twice now with the same boy. Its a boy she has never seen or met. A neighbor girl is supposidly "dating" his friend (even though she has never met him in person) and she had the boys numbers. Not sure how this girl even knew the boy. Stepdaughter and the boy's friend started texting, but had never actually talked on the phone.

One night I walked past her room way after she was supposed to be asleep and caught her texting. So I took her phone and read the texts to see what she was doing up so late on a school night. Her and the boy had been texting eachother sexual stuff. Like really bad...sounded like it was talk in a porno stuff!! Stepdaughter has never had a boyfriend before and we are sure she has never actually done what she talked about. We talked to her about this and hubby demanded she delete the boys # and never talk to him again. He also banned her from hanging out with the neighbor girl (we already didn't like her because she just acts trashy but after seeing these texts and realizing they started earlier in the day when stepdaughter was hanging out with her it sealed our feelings about the girl).

Not even a week later we caught her again sexting the boy. I had my family over and my stepmom made a comment about how wierd stepdaughter was acting with her IPOD all day. So when my stepdaughter walked by us again I asked to see her IPOD and she tried telling me it was almost dead and she had to go charge it. I said nope, just hand it over. She actually tried running out of the room so I just moved in front of her and demanded the IPOD. She gave it to me and ran to her room.

She downloaded some free texting app and was continuing to talk to him on there thinking we would not find out. Hubby and I had some disagreement on how to handle it.

Curious....how would you have handled it?
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  #2  
June 5th, 2012, 07:08 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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That's a hard one. I'm not completely sure what I would have done.

Have you guys sat her down and had a sincere talk with her about sex? Not just what it is, but what it's meant to be for? Why this kind of thing from a 15 year old is not a great idea? Not in a shaming, angry sort of way - in a calm, loving, sincere kind of way. She needs to know that it's "safe" to come to you guys about sexual issues. I would also consider putting her on some kind of birth control whether she admits to actually having sex or whether she says it's just messages right now. It's okay to be curious. It's normal to be curious. I just don't think most kids her age realize how quickly things can escalate/how quickly they can move from just talking to actual sex.

Does she pay for her phone? If she does, there isn't a lot you can do. If you guys pay, I would consider restricting her ability to text. It may not solve the problem and may mean she just emails the guy instead, but texting is SO convenient and mobile - at least if that were removed as a possibility, she would have less opportunity.
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  #3  
June 5th, 2012, 08:21 AM
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We had the talk about sex prior to catching her texting this boy. When we caught her the first time hubby was still at work and I was unsure how to handle it. So I told her how upset I was to read her talking that way to boys and told her I would be showing it to her father in the morning.

The next morning hubby and I had a big sex talk with her. Told her that the way she was talking was a way that he and I did not even talk to eachother. We said boys will not respect a girl who talks that way, or does those things at her age.

We asked her if she wanted boyfriends that would take her to movies, malls, football games, dances, etc. She said yes and we explained to her that boys who would take her to those things and care about her would not talk to her this way. We said that girls who talk like that and do the things she was talking about get used by boys. The boys act like they like the girl and after they get what they want they are done. We told her about reputation and how hard it is when a girl gets labeled a **** at school.

We told her its normal to want boyfriends and even to kiss guys. But at her age she is not ready for sex. We also told her that sex and sexual acts are not something you do with someone you barely know. They are something you do when you are in a long term relationship and both love eachother. We talked again about the consequences of sex (emtions, std risk, babies, etc.). We told her that when she is at the point where she thinks she is ready for sex we hope she comes to us so we can help her plan protection so she is safe.

She conversed with us and seemed like she understood it all. After catching her again hubby just wanted to tell her he was upset and leave it at that. We argued privately about it and I pointed out that if she keeps talking like that to boys she doesn't know how do we know she is not going to try to meet them in person. How do we even know they are boys?? and not old dirty men?? And no matter what they are if she is talking like that what is going to happen to her if she meets them and her talking was all a game? And what if she starts talking about and doing stuff like this with boys at school. I asked him if he is prepared to deal with a grandchild, a daughter who is an outcast at school, or a daughter with an STD.

After that we sat her down again and told her how she lost our trust. We thought we had a good talk with her and she agreed to stop talking to that boy and trusted she would. She showed us she can not be trusted. So we took away all her electronics and told her until we feel she can be trusted we can't let her use them. We also talked to her about who that "boy" may really be and the dangers of meeting people through the internet. We talked to her about rape. We also asked her if she would be proud to show family members her texts (her grandparents, uncle, etc.).

We are still having a hard time deciding if we want her leaving the house for a while. We have let her have friends over here and let her go see a movie with friends when a parent was going to be there. I know we can't lock her up forever, but we are hoping that by showing her how strict we can get she will decide she would rather follow our rules than be on lockdown. We have never had to get really strict with her before.
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  #4  
June 5th, 2012, 10:00 AM
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I didn't read all of your post sorry but....

Her phone would be gone & her iPod would be gone! How do you even know that the person she's texting is a boy????? If no one has ever met him or his friend???? This is super scary & potentially dangerous. I'd take her iPod & phone to the police and see if they can find out who this guy/kid is. I'm guessing he's an adult.....
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  #5  
June 5th, 2012, 10:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles
I didn't read all of your post sorry but....

Her phone would be gone & her iPod would be gone! How do you even know that the person she's texting is a boy????? If no one has ever met him or his friend???? This is super scary & potentially dangerous. I'd take her iPod & phone to the police and see if they can find out who this guy/kid is. I'm guessing he's an adult.....
Agree 100%. There is no way she would have had a chance to do it a second time because the phone would be gone after the first time.
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  #6  
June 5th, 2012, 10:56 AM
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Just had time to go back & read your post and it sounds like you are addressing this the right way. I definitely would restrict her activities for a while. Be sure to know where she's going & who she's going with. She might use a friends phone to text this guy when she's with them.

This is such a scary thing to have to face as a parent. I hope you can get it under control. I am definitely not looking forward to the teenage years.
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  #7  
June 5th, 2012, 10:57 AM
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Yeah, I third the taking the phone and ipod away. If the phone is truly needed, the texting would limited. I would also seek a way to block that particular number. From there serious conversations of what is expected would be had.
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  #8  
June 5th, 2012, 02:18 PM
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Oh good call Liz. You can probably block the number she's been texting.
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  #9  
June 5th, 2012, 02:32 PM
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I ditto the ones above me. The phone and ipod (and computer) would be gone and I'd be trying to block the number.

And kayla, while I do kinda agree with you that if the kid is paying for it it's hard to say no... while said child is living with mom and dad, no matter who pays, there are still rules to be followed. or at least that's how it works in our house (and worked for dh and I growing up)
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  #10  
June 5th, 2012, 02:57 PM
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I see what you're saying. I also said it with it in mind that, at 15, she probably isn't paying for it, at least not on her own and so that likely wouldn't be an issue. I'm sure we can all agree that if she were 17 or 18 consistently sexting and working/paying for her own phone and service, it would be a different situation - not that it's ever something you want to catch your teenager doing, but I think we can agree there's a world of difference between 15 and 18.

The real issue isn't the phone - it's the fact that she's 15 and communicating in an inappropriate way with some guy no one has met. While taking the phone away stops it for the moment (and I do agree with taking it away from a 15 year old child, lest I be misunderstood ), if she's able to pay for a phone on her own there wouldn't be anything stopping her from reporting it stolen and/or simply getting a new one. She could still Facebook message or email with the guy, or worse, start hanging out with him in person. My point is that if she wants to talk to the guy, she's going to find a way, and while an immediate intervention through taking the phone away or shutting it off is a great starting point for that, it doesn't necessarily solve the problem permanently.

I am just of the mind that if something is your personal property and you cover the expenses entirely on your own, you should have the freedom to do with it what you please. I also believe that if you have the means to do things like that, it generally means you're working and paying bills, and those kinds of responsibilities often result in a more mature, responsible kid than one who hasn't taken on any real responsibilities yet. Rules are fine, and necessary. Taking away any and all opportunities to teach kids how to make good decisions isn't, and that's kind of how I see it if a child is old enough to be working and taking care of their own possessions independently and still having things taken away by Mom and Dad.

That's just though and since I don't want to rabbit trail this thread I'll leave it at that.
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Last edited by Keakie; June 5th, 2012 at 03:00 PM.
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  #11  
June 5th, 2012, 03:21 PM
mom2more's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Luckily she relies so much on her phone that she doesn't have many numbers memorized, excpet our home and cell numbers. So I did already go into her cell and IPOD and delete the number. I also went on our cell phone online account and blocked that # from her cell so even when she gets it back that person can not contact her and vice versa.

I also sent a text to the "boy", or whatever it is. I said this was her parents and we read all the messages and she no longer has texting or internet or a phone. Told them to never contact our daughter again or we would be contacting their parents and then the authorities to check on their age.

I also told sd I did this. She looked mortified. I told her that since she could not stop herself we had no choice but to put an end to it for her and that next time she should listen to us the first time!
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  #12  
June 6th, 2012, 11:30 AM
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Sounds like you've handled it well! Keep us posted!
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  #13  
June 6th, 2012, 11:55 AM
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Good for you!!!! I do want to add that deleting his # doesn't mean he doesn't still have hers. So once she gets her phone back & he texts her it's game on again.

If she really needs a phone, you can get her the phones that restrict to only 3-5 pre-programmed #s. Then she can only have the #'s she needs.

I don't agree that if you pay for it, you can do with it as you please if you're a minor. Yes as an adult, living on your own I would agree but if your underage living in my house, I still have control over your life. JMO
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  #14  
June 6th, 2012, 01:31 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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I just don't appreciate, nor do I agree with, the insinuation that if you allow an older teenager to control belongings that they maintain entirely on their own, you don't have rules in your house. It doesn't make any sense and wasn't the case for me growing up. You can't treat your 18 year old like a grounded 7 year old and simultaneously expect that they learn how to be an adult and use their things responsibly.

It doesn't really apply to a 15 year old. I misspoke. Do we really need to over it?
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  #15  
June 6th, 2012, 02:18 PM
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umm so making 1 comment is beating a dead horse????

And living in my house there are rules whether your 15 or 18. I wouldn't allow my 18 year old to do drugs in my house even if he/she bought them with their own money. But at 18, I can kick them out.

I don't think that has anything to do with teaching them how to be a responsible adult. Actually monitor them is teaching the right from wrong.
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  #16  
June 6th, 2012, 02:29 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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No, but everyone who disagrees with me saying so and making a point to 'like' one another's comments specifically to make a point that I'm the outsider is. It's a little much. I get it.

Doing drugs in the home is entirely different than what an 18 year old chooses to do with their cell phone. I'm kind of speechless that you made the jump from cell phone usage to illegal drug consumption. I assumed it went without saying that my standpoint excluded activities that were dangerous and/or illegal and I never said that I disagreed with kicking someone out if they were unable to follow the rules. You're reading a lot of stuff into a simple statement that was never there in the first place.

Guiding and teaching is one thing. Micromanaging is another. If you treat your 18 year old like a child, expect them to act like a child.
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  #17  
June 6th, 2012, 04:22 PM
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Hun I think you're reading a bit too much into the like feature here. We just agree with all or part of what that person has said. It's not a dig against you at all. Maybe a step back from this thread might help you if you're starting to take it a bit personal.
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  #18  
June 6th, 2012, 04:49 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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My head is still spinning from the fact that me saying, "I think that an older teenager who pays for their phone entirely should have control over it" has now been convoluted to, "I think rules are bad and kids may snort cocaine off of my kitchen table as long as they pay for it."

I think I'm going to go ahead and just unsubscribe from this thread.
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  #19  
June 7th, 2012, 11:18 AM
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OMG it wasn't meant to be literal. Just an example. Relax.

It's funny that you make comments about baby kids when that's exactly what I DON'T do with mine. I've never even talked baby talk to my kids when they were babies. My 9 year has had her own cell phone for 3 years. However, I think in this day an age it's imperative to monitor a teenagers activities no matter what the source. There are so many dangers out there for teenagers these days.

I don't think that protecting my 15 year old from a sexual preditor is treating them like a baby. I don't think that even protecting my 18 year from the same is babying them.

I have a friend who's 15 year old had a relationship with a 24 year old teacher. He targeted her, abused her etc. He is now facing jail time & has is on sex offender list permanently. The damage that this has done to her dd & her family is incredible. I know she wishes she had monitored her dd more.
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  #20  
June 7th, 2012, 12:43 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Kayla I'm sorry that we've upset you *hugs* sadly that's what differences in parenting styles can do.



I'm not going to "like" Kris's comment above. But I do 100% agree with her.

Children need to EARN their independence from mom and dad. And when they do, that's when rules can change. But there should still be house rules. If my child wants to have their own set of rules because they can pay for things, *insert some mild sarcasm here* they can pay rent too.




The 15yr old in the OP hasn't earned hers, in fact she lost her phone, ignored the warnings given about the situation, then went and got a texting app for her ipod. That shows she is not mature enough to handle it on her own yet, and her parents needed to step in. It wouldn't matter who paid for the phone, or the ipod, it's about teaching children limits and boundaries and rules. Cause one day breaking the rules wont mean you lose your phone, you could lose everything going to jail.


Here are a few articles I found in a quick search:
This young man was a friend of my two brothers and my two cousins

Lost teen still lives in mom

Fake girlfriend with Halifax cover story tortured teen with love before his death | OpenFile


And one from the US.

Ohio woman pretends to be a boy to seduce girl
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