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  #1  
June 7th, 2012, 10:11 PM
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I'm on other mom boards but there aren't many stepmoms so I have few people to vent to

I'm married and me and DH have been together almost 8 years, he has a 7yo DD from a previous "indiscretion". They did not have a relationship, time spent together was 2-3 weeks, she made him believe she was on the pill, she asked for money for an abortion (even though it's covered in most of Canada), she told at lease one other guy he was the father and took him to an ultrasound, etc. A lot of immature and cruel things (she was 18). DSD was born 6 months after me and DH started dating. Paternity test wasn't done until DSD was nearly a year because the BM (is that whats being used on the board? Baby Mama? haha forgive me if it's not) dragged her feet for whatever reason. Child support mediators recommended against back pay for this reason.

Fast forward.. from the age of 1 to 4 we had a relatively easy time, we had visitation every other weekend without the need of court, things were pretty smooth. Then I got pregnant and we got married. I guess this threatened her a LOT because 4 months after I got preg SHE got preg (and in between this time she had already planned a second pregnancy, but then gave the baby up for adoption when the BD flaked on her. All said and done she has had 4 kids with 4 dads in 6 years, and one long term relationship). She took DSD and changed her phone number/moved and we didn't see her for 3 months. Things got slightly better, we'd get her a weekend every 3-4 weeks. Then out of the blue she refused visitation. She even told my ILs that if they were going to see DSD they were NOT to let DH around her. After about 5 months of this arrangement they caved and brought DSD to see DH on Fathers Day. BM found out and then refused to let ILs have visitation.

Two months later we found out the reason we were being denied, BM has accused DH of molesting DSD. I'm not sure what (IF!) DSD did to make BM think this, and more accurately, I'm not sure what BM twisted into assuming this, but thats what my ILs said. BM used the specific words INVESTIGATION BY CPS when discussing the matter with my ILs. My aunt is a police officer in this city. If there was ANY official investigation by ANY child care facility, DH would be immediately detained and a TRO (temporary restraining order) issued because we have 2 daughters together, living with us. A standard question after making a claim like child abuse is "does the accused have access to any other minor children?" So automatically we know her message to my ILs is a lie because there is no investigation. And as for the claim itself, it's absolutely 100% false, I would bet my and my daughters' lives on it.

On top of this, my SIL is still being allowed to have visits with DSD, on the condition that she is not allowed to give DH or my ILs her phone number or address. And my ILs are invited over for these.

It breaks my heart that people who consider themselves caring family CONDONE this. I absolutely understand still wanting time with DSD but I cannot wrap my head around agreeing to do it all while knowing her FATHER AND SISTERS are being shut out. All I can think about is if roles were reversed, and my SIL was forbidden from seeing her children but I went behind her back for playdates. She would be devastated.

Sorry for the wall of text, and thanks for reading if you did. I have no where else to talk about this.
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  #2  
June 7th, 2012, 10:19 PM
Dhartanya's Avatar Paleo Mommy-to-be
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What are the courts saying?
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  #3  
June 7th, 2012, 10:30 PM
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He hasn't been to court yet (since the accusation at least), but that is coming in the next months. He is filing to have child support changed (just for yearly taxes, etc, maintenance enforcement can serve her by proxy) and once he sees her there he will be able to serve her with the visitation papers.

He and BM went to mediation twice in the past for visitation, and she would play nice while there but would go back to her old ways within a month, knowing there was nothing he could do.

For a very long time he was worried about making waves, and thats why he let her bypass court with mediation, but he's finally starting to want to stand his ground. His ILs are still of the mindset of wanting to make BM happy. They even let her move in for a few months, rent free, when she was in a s**tty situation (getting kicked out by live-in abusive boyfriend) and she'd leave DSD under their care without asking, be gone for hours, not return until the early morning and expect ILs to care for DSD while she nursed a hangover. My ILs took her to court a few months ago to try to get grandparents access but it didn't go well and they don't talk about it. I don't know the circumstances.

DH has himself dragged his feet for all of this, he expected the awful treatment from BM but he feels really beat down and depressed that his own family would treat him this way too.
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  #4  
June 8th, 2012, 04:43 AM
Mom2DyJessAva's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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be prepared for possibly a long battle...my ex (who i have two children with- he passed away in 08) was accused of molesting his oldest daughter (at the time she was 5-we had no children then)...it was a battle for 3 years and would of continued if he didnt pass away...they had NO evidence of sexual abuse..just going off of what the mother/family said..and he never got to see his daughter while fighting in court..no supervised or anything..now i hope this isnt the case but it was on this end sadly..

i should also say that..even when we had children..we never had cps involved with me or my children..
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  #5  
June 8th, 2012, 05:21 AM
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When you go to court and agree to visitation; haul her tail back for contempt when she doesn't play ball. You'll end up in a horrible situation if you continue to let her willfully ignore the rules and court orders governing your situation.
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  #6  
June 8th, 2012, 06:22 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ember Rose View Post
When you go to court and agree to visitation; haul her tail back for contempt when she doesn't play ball. You'll end up in a horrible situation if you continue to let her willfully ignore the rules and court orders governing your situation.
This. That's the point of having a legal document stating the 'rules and regulations' so to speak - so that if/when someone violates it, you have recourse. If there were truly a CPS investigation and someone's safety was on the line, that would be obvious extenuating circumstances and I can see the hesitance in that scenario, but since it looks like that was a big fat lie there's no reason that this would NOT be found to be blatant contempt of court.

Expect bm (which, btw, I read as 'bio-mom' but 'baby mama' works too ) to act like a lunatic. You can't stop that and you can't tip toe around hoping to avoid it. If she's one of those people, she's going to act like a lunatic whether you kiss her behind or not. Don't do it. Stand your ground and let her crazy implode on itself. I'd say there's enough here that your dh would have a pretty fair shot at having custody awarded to him instead of bm in the first place, if he chose to pursue that option (and frankly, by the sounds of it, you would be doing your dsd a world of good if you got her away from bm based on what you've written about her here).
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  #7  
June 8th, 2012, 07:03 AM
ShesaDreamer's Avatar If Only. If Only <3
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Have you heard anything from CPS in the time that all this is going on? My DSS's BM once tried accusing ME of molesting my youngest DSS (he has diarreah and his butt was read so she took a picture and took it to CPS) And it was the same day they called me to bring the boys in to talk to me. Didn't tell me waht it was about until I got there. After I explained the situation and took him to the DR to get her to verify it that was the end of it. She sounds like an attention hound to me and is just trying to couse trouble and get attention via her DD. If I were you I would call the CPS office and talk to them and see if they know anything about it. And if not then document it and when you go to court then she kept you from her for x amount of time with no reason.
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  #8  
June 8th, 2012, 10:12 AM
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We have never once been contacted by police, child services, nothing. BM has actually told ILs that there is a full on investigation, and that she was "instructed" not to allow contact between DSD and DH while said investigation was being conducted. She has also said that a kindergarten counsellor "court ordered" a psych evaluation for her.

Just to show a couple other glimpses to her personality, the second child (that she gave up) was a planned pregnancy with a guy she was dating a few months, and the baby was born only 17 months after DSD. Her third child was an unplanned pregnancy according to her, and she maintained all throughtout the pregnancy that she was giving that one up for adoption as well. Conveniently, it was our weekend when she was in the hospital giving birth, and we got a phone call from her friend "Please bring *DSD* to the hospital, *BM* really wants her support and to meet the baby" we refused because we thought it was cruel to introduce her to a baby sibling and she wouldn't understand (not to mention it was our weekend anyway as per mediation), and the friend said "don't tell *DSD* yet, but *BM* decided to keep the baby. It's going to be a surprise for *DSD*"

There were month long periods where we'd have her fulltime because BM was working odd hours or didn't have a permanent place to live, and when we asked her for the child tax (Canada gives you money depending on your income) and she said she made too much to make any, yet we knew her income was less than $20K and she'd get the maximum. So we were responsible for all the daily expenses, yet she pocketed all the money. We once offered to take full custody, allow her every other weekend visitation, and sign whatever was needed to allow her to not pay child support, and the first thing she said was "oooh, so I could go do whatever I wanted?"

In court to determine child support she brought a daycare receipt for one of her other children. Instead of playing it off like an accident she said "Well I was instructed to bring ALL my receipts, I didn't know it mattered" as if he'd actually pay her support for her other kids.

DSD had a conversation with DH while he picked her up "Daddy, does mommy love me?" "of course she does" "does she love the new baby if she's giving it away?" She also would say things (in my presence) like "me and mommy grow babies in our tummy and give them away. When I grow up I will grow babies to give away" and "mommy goes to the bar a lot when she doesn't have a baby in her tummy. It's ok to go to bars a lot if you don't have a baby in your tummy" It baffles me how she even know what a "bar" refers to, and these were all at 4 years old.

Sorry, I'm really bitter about everything. I'm also bitter that it's taken this long in the first place, DH should have never allowed this to happen and it is a big strain on the relationship. But it breaks my heart that my girls have a sister that they can't see. My DD1 asks for her frequently because she was old enough the last few times we saw her, but my DD2 doesn't even know she has another sister.

Last edited by srdvdsn; June 8th, 2012 at 10:39 AM.
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  #9  
June 8th, 2012, 10:40 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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Quote:
Originally Posted by srdvdsn View Post
We have never once been contacted by police, child services, nothing. BM has actually told ILs that there is a full on investigation, and that she was "instructed" not to allow contact between DSD and DH while said investigation was being conducted. She has also said that a kindergarten counsellor "court ordered" a psych evaluation for her.
Ignore her. Ask your family to do the same. She's clearly full of crap, and her lies don't deserve any more attention than they've already gotten. Roll your eyes and jog on.

As far as the rest goes, yeah. She's nuts. My heart goes out to your poor dsd. I'll say again that I think it's time for you guys to be in court. I strongly urge your dh to file a motion for contempt for the immediate refusing visitation nonsense, and to subsequently file for full custody of her. I'm not as familiar with that process, but I know we have a few ladies here who have done it/whose dh's have done it and so I'll let them chime in.

I can certainly understand the frustration. It stinks that sometimes these things get as far as they do. It's a learning curve.
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  #10  
June 8th, 2012, 10:40 AM
ShesaDreamer's Avatar If Only. If Only <3
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If I were you I would most definatly call CPS and tell them that you were told by BM that there was an investigation open against your Dh and that you want to know about the allegations. Then I would go straight to the courthouse and file for the visitation or custody or whatever it is that you feel is right.
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  #11  
June 8th, 2012, 10:43 AM
Dhartanya's Avatar Paleo Mommy-to-be
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I agree, time for full force.
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  #12  
June 8th, 2012, 10:52 AM
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It's all very sad. I have some hope because where I live is actually quite pro-father in court (assuming he isn't a bad guy). I know of several cases where court has given full custody to fathers.

It was never our intention to have full custody, we were always happy sharing holidays, and getting every other weekend (with maybe a weekday evening thrown in every few weeks).

Our best hope is getting back the weekends and once she is 12 or 13 a judge will take her opinion into consideration if she wants to live with us (assuming both households are equally "good" for her).

Sadly, his family refuse to take his "side" they would always roll their eyes when we would talk about her, as if we were exaggerating. I guess she put up a nice face for them because they thought she was one step away from an angel. My SIL is very selfish and likes the attention she gets by being the "only one" trusted enough to have access to DSD. She'd rather have playdates with the cousins (SIL has 2 kids) then support her own brother. My brother has a new baby and the idea of going behind his back if he's been denied access makes me sick.
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  #13  
June 8th, 2012, 10:56 AM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ember Rose View Post
When you go to court and agree to visitation; haul her tail back for contempt when she doesn't play ball. You'll end up in a horrible situation if you continue to let her willfully ignore the rules and court orders governing your situation.
Yes this. I'm sorry it's been so up and down up till now. One of Neely's biggest mistakes was allowing his ex to control the visitation instead of getting a court order straight away.
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  #14  
June 8th, 2012, 10:58 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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Would it be better for *her* to live with her father full time? I think so. It's more than in her best interests to have more than every other weekend and holidays away from that nut case, and the fact that your dh has a very good chance of being successful is even more cause to move forward with it.

So you're concerned about your dsd's well being and you want her to have a chance to know her sisters, but you only want her to be able to do it every other weekend and over holidays? Is bm somehow less damaging during those other periods of time? I understand EOWE is a standard visitation agreement and I'm not knocking families who have that set up (we have my dh's children on that schedule, as a matter of fact), but if everything you've said is true and this bm is THAT unstable and neglectful AND you live in a state that's not notoriously anti-father, why would you not want to remove that child from that situation more often than that? If you have a (good) chance of being successful, why wait until she's 12 or 13?
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  #15  
June 8th, 2012, 11:00 AM
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Yeah, this whole experience has proven to me that you need to go to court and get it dealt with WHILE you're still on good terms. I know lots of single moms who say "I'm happy with whats going on now, I don't want to rock the boat"

It's so easy to just write up what you do yourselves, go to a mediator and say "make this a court order" and it's done. If you're both amicable court isn't scary or a he-vs-she mud slinging battle.

It doesn't take much at all to go from "on good terms" to "I f***ing hate you"
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  #16  
June 8th, 2012, 11:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keakie View Post
Would it be better for *her* to live with her father full time? I think so. It's more than in her best interests to have more than every other weekend and holidays away from that nut case, and the fact that your dh has a very good chance of being successful is even more cause to move forward with it.

So you're concerned about your dsd's well being and you want her to have a chance to know her sisters, but you only want her to be able to do it every other weekend and over holidays? Is bm somehow less damaging during those other periods of time? I understand EOWE is a standard visitation agreement and I'm not knocking families who have that set up (we have my dh's children on that schedule, as a matter of fact), but if everything you've said is true and this bm is THAT unstable and neglectful AND you live in a state that's not notoriously anti-father, why would you not want to remove that child from that situation more often than that? If you have a (good) chance of being successful, why wait until she's 12 or 13?
We live in Canada
And on paper, she's not "that" bad. Very little of anything we can say about her can be proved. DSD is well fed, well socialized, has enough "things" to keep her happy, has a brother and a new baby sister there. BM is engaged to the most recent baby's father, they have a house, he supports her financially. DH was unemployed for over 2 years, has only now been working for the last 6 months, we live in a run down 2 bdr apartment and are trying to move in July. Most of our ammo is he-said-she-said, I'm not sure we would actually win a full custody battle.
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  #17  
June 8th, 2012, 11:27 AM
.Katie.
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Have you guys called CPS to verify/disprove the investigation? That seems to me like the most logical thing to do. Have them put it in writing and send it to your home so you can show the people she is claiming these things to that she is lying.

I have to admit, your DH's reaction and lack of involvement with defending his name/innocence is troubling to me.
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  #18  
June 8th, 2012, 11:44 AM
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We have been hesitant to contact CPS as we don't want THAT to cause an investigation. Police have assured me that if any actual claim was made that we would have been immediately contacted. A formal reply from CPS would be beneficial, though, and I hadn't thought of that.

His attitude towards it has been a large sore spot for us and it is troubling, but all of it, combined with his unemployment and depression over his weight (we are both overweight) have made him extremely emotionally vacant. But he is making strides now to becoming more confident and putting himself in a better head space.
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  #19  
June 8th, 2012, 11:51 AM
.Katie.
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You don't think that depression could be caused by guilt/anxiety over the possibility that something did happen that was inappropriate? All the men I have known that were accused of sexual deviancy (that were innocent) were up in arms and to that courthouse as soon as physically possible to defend their name.
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  #20  
June 8th, 2012, 12:06 PM
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No. Not even a hint. He has been depressed most of his life, the depression, weight issues, and unemployment all came before the accusation. It just all came to a head and that was his breaking point. On top of me refusing to believe it, he has literally never had that kind of alone time with DSD. While we had visitation, I was working overnights and not on the weekends, so I was home for every visit. During the times we had full care she was either still in daycare for mornings I was sleeping, or later on I was home pregnant with her. The only time he was alone with her long enough were the drives in the morning from our house to her mothers house mornings before daycare. And that period was 2 years before the accusation was made so IF she suspected then, she sure waited a long time to bring it up. When DSD was here, I was still the main caregiver. There has never been a hint of innapropriateness to our daughters, either, and I do leave them with him for significant periods of time.
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