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  • 3 Post By Ember Rose

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  #1  
June 8th, 2012, 05:39 AM
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So we've got M for a visitation. He's temporarily living with his grandfather while him and my husband rebuild their relationship (before he went to his grandfather he was with his grandmother and she refused my husband access to him). We're of the mind he's got some sensory issues and even if he didn't at the very least he'd need some type of therapy to deal with all the upheaval of being switched around, told his daddy didn't love him any more and being abused by his stepdad. But no. They don't think he needs anything at all. His behavior is COMPLETELY inappropriate for public and it's obvious they never really tell him no. He runs his grandfather's house and is quite dismayed that he can't tell us what to get him and where to go and what he's going to do.

I just...I knew it was gonna be bad but I didn't realize it was gonna be that bad. When he throws tantrums he threatens to call the police, he scratches himself, kicks, hits, he's threatened to spit and says hurtful things like I'll never speak to you again if you don't let him do x. His grandfather has no neighbors and he never plays with children that he's not related to. And they think that's fine. My heart breaks to think about if he had trouble making friends in school and how that's not even a factor to be considered in their minds.
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  #2  
June 8th, 2012, 06:12 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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It's so hard when a child so clearly needs help and his other caregivers don't see it. We're familiar with that around here.

What sort of custody is in place? Does your dh share joint custody with the grandparents, or do they have full custody? How old is M again?
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  #3  
June 8th, 2012, 06:25 AM
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M is 6. His mother had full custody (legal and physical) and DH had unlimited unsupervised visitation. CPS got involved due to her husband and they removed custody from her and gave his grandpa temp. custody. We have unsupervised visitation that we could arrange on our own, but we do it through the courts so his command will give him leave because they're being very stingy with it and won't really give it to him unless he has a court order or some other reason like that why they can't deny it. Grandma and grandpa aren't married and so he'll spend the weekends with her but she's toxic and my husband would really like to see a stop come to that.
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  #4  
June 8th, 2012, 06:38 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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Can your dh file to have custody restored to him? If M has a capable, present parent available I would assume he has a fair shot at being awarded custody, especially given there are several things at hand that show M's has untreated issues. It would also give you a lot more ability to get him into therapy or some kind of evaluation so you can get an idea of exactly what is going on (i.e. how much comes from sensory processing issues, how much from general stress and upheaval, if there's anything else at hand).
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  #5  
June 8th, 2012, 06:46 AM
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He has but he's out of the state so that's supposedly the hold up. Also my husband is deploying this summer and that's also holding things up. And they've had evaluations and they say there's nothing wrong, you just have to know how to handle him aka not give him limits or medicate him to the zombie point.
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  #6  
June 8th, 2012, 07:40 AM
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I don't have much advice to offer except that you just have to stick to it. My boys have gone through this too. They would scream when we clipped their nails and say they were going to call CPS and I told them ok and handed them the phone. And then I told them that CPS wouldn't do anything about us clipping their nails because it's basic hygene and it had to be done just like baths or showers. After a time or two of telling him that it won't make any difference that these are the rules and that he has to follow them he will learn. When kids go too long without rules at one house then they think they can do it anywhere. Once your DH deploys are you going to be seeing M still? It would probably be helpful if you were because you can still work on his behavior in your house and if you are hoping to get custody get him used to being in your house and build a bond between you and him too.
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  #7  
June 8th, 2012, 08:08 AM
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I'll be going to visit him at his grandpa's as often as I can. All of this is going down in OH and we're currently stationed in FL soon to be stationed in VA again.
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  #8  
June 8th, 2012, 08:42 AM
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Wow thats a long way to travel. At least when you are in VA you will be closer to him. Where in VA will you be? I live in southern WV right now about 2.5 hours from the VA border (if that)
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  #9  
June 8th, 2012, 09:04 AM
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Hampton Roads. It's in the southeast corner a stone's throw away from NC. The FL to OH trip is SO long. SO long. It's exhausting.
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  #10  
June 8th, 2012, 10:41 AM
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I can imagine how difficult it is to be out of state and try to see and get to know a troubled child. ((hugs)) I'm sorry they don't think he needs help.
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  #11  
June 8th, 2012, 11:42 AM
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Hang in there!! Maybe you calling and arranging for some police officers to come talk to him about what happens when you try to lie and abuse the system will give him a reality check.

To be honest it sounds to me like he needs consistent guidance/discipline and lots of it. Learning authority at a young age is crucial in their behavioral developement.
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  #12  
June 8th, 2012, 12:23 PM
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No tantrums so far today. I'm excited.
Rachel, ShesaDreamer and Keakie like this.
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  #13  
June 8th, 2012, 12:43 PM
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  #14  
June 8th, 2012, 02:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by .Katie. View Post
Hang in there!! Maybe you calling and arranging for some police officers to come talk to him about what happens when you try to lie and abuse the system will give him a reality check.

To be honest it sounds to me like he needs consistent guidance/discipline and lots of it. Learning authority at a young age is crucial in their behavioral developement.
My friend who is a MA is visiting down here and she currently lives where we're moving. I might have her come over and break it down for him.
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  #15  
June 8th, 2012, 03:06 PM
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Awesome!
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  #16  
June 8th, 2012, 05:50 PM
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  #17  
June 9th, 2012, 07:02 AM
mom2more's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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How long do you have visitations wth M for? Is it long enough to start getting him some family counseling and individual counseling?

I don't know the whole situation, but I do agree that some kids are just difficult and you need to know how to handle them. Medication does not fix everything. I have seen some kids who need the medication and I have seen others who it does nothing but turn them into an emotionless lump.

It sounds like he has been mistreated in his mothers home and is now not being handled correctly in his grandparents homes. It may have a lot to do with how he behaves. At 6 years old there is still time left to change his behaviors. I think that a loving home with consistancy and boundries would help.

Good luck!!
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  #18  
June 9th, 2012, 10:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2more View Post
How long do you have visitations wth M for? Is it long enough to start getting him some family counseling and individual counseling?

I don't know the whole situation, but I do agree that some kids are just difficult and you need to know how to handle them. Medication does not fix everything. I have seen some kids who need the medication and I have seen others who it does nothing but turn them into an emotionless lump.

It sounds like he has been mistreated in his mothers home and is now not being handled correctly in his grandparents homes. It may have a lot to do with how he behaves. At 6 years old there is still time left to change his behaviors. I think that a loving home with consistancy and boundries would help.

Good luck!!
That's exactly what it is. He responded to the mistreatment with violence and so he gets his way so they can avoid him being violent. I've been with my husband since before M was born and I visited him on my own when he was younger...he didn't used to be like this. His general disposition is sweet, loving and giving. I don't know this manipulative boy.

I should probably pop into the special needs forum or the developmental delay forum. My friend's son has sensory processing disorder and some delays and M is showing some textbook signs. But the doctors they take him to keep saying he's a-ok. How a child who takes a bp medication that slows his heart to sleep can be a-ok is beyond me.

Due to my husband's deployment and our move no it won't be long enough to get him into some counseling but we go to court when we take him back and my husband is going to insist on it. He's also going to request he do some more things to socialize and ease him off of some of these meds.
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Last edited by Ember Rose; June 9th, 2012 at 10:05 AM.
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