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Hello and a vent/rant....stream of thought.


Forum: Blended Families

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  #1  
June 9th, 2012, 09:28 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Norfolk, Va
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Hello. I was nudged to this board by a good friend. I am living (and we just bought our first house) with BF and he has his son C wed night through Saturday until 6. Recently BM decided that she wants to give BF more time with C. This is a great thing to hear but she is flakey and I donít want to get my hopes up. Lately I have been struggling with adjusting; at least I think that is why I am struggling. I almost feel like it is too much to throw on anyone at any one time. I need some sort of support because I am feeling really alone and itís causing other problems in my family.
C is 21 months and the happiest little kid I have met. I love and treat C like he is my own flesh and blood. I know BF is supportive of the relationship I have developed with C. I make it a point to spend time with C, doing fun things like the park and the aquarium. I have him one day a week while his dad is at work; this gives me a great deal of time to bond with C. I feel so separate from all my friends, they canít relate with my blended family and I canít relate to their birth stories and breast feeding woes. At a play date Friday I just got up and left because I was excluded, bear in mind I am not the most social of butterflies.
Some back story I feel is needed.
C was born in a broken home. BM decided she didnít want him in the third trimester. My understanding was there was talk about abortion off and on throughout the whole pregnancy. BM cheated on BF the whole time she was PG and there was a lot of uncertainty about the paternity. C is BFs through and through. BM was on antidepressants her whole pregnancy, Zoloft and others. After C was born she overdosed and since she was breast feeding this put C in a coma not even a month after he was born. BF and BM were trying to work things out he spoon fed her what she needed to say to get through CPS. A month later she moved in with the guy she was cheating on BF with. Letís fast forward to Cís first birthday, when I came in to the picture. BF and I dated for a very short period of time before I moved in. Since then BM has tried to take BF to court for full custody, then a few months later wants to give BF primary physical custody via mediation. She claims she wants to go back to school and work full time. (She has a habit of thinking of just herself) I am sure she is a good and loving mother to C. I think her head is in the wrong place. She is leaving her current DF and moving back in with her mother.
Back to present day.
The topic of TTC came up. This conversation broke my heart. BF wants to wait a few years. I personally donít want a huge gap in Cís age with his siblings. I understand why but I canít wrap my head around why he would have a baby with a woman he never really loved at a time when they both were unstable, a woman who cheated and lied and stole from him. Yet we are in a good position in life, both have good jobs and just bought a house. We are both in generally good health and have a great support system family wise. Yet we canít have a baby. Neither of us sees marriage as super important. We have our reasons I just ask to not be judged for not being married. I am overly jealous of her and feel like she is going to try and con her way back in with BF. I know him better than that and know she doesnít stand a chance but I have the thought that she gave him something he doesnít want with me. I know the jealousy is silly but itís there.
I go out of my way to make sure we have a good family dynamic in our home we have a good routine and it works really well for us. I feel unable to talk to BF about this because of the way he handles serious conversations and I am just not ready to have my feelings hurt again. He and I have been through a lot since we started dating. I just want to have a happy loving family. It is so hard to be happy when I am holding all this mumbo jumbo in my head. I know he wants me to talk to him but I just canít bring myself to do it. The night we talked about TTC I cried while he snored. I donít think he knows how badly that conversation hurt.
I never knew getting your feelings hurt just as much as an adult as a child. I am so so so sorry for my ridiculous stream of thought drama crap. I am sure I am leaving out critical parts of my story.

Forgive me and TIA.
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  #2  
June 10th, 2012, 07:03 AM
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Now that I know the full situation, I can say that I've been where you are but with everything that's going on now I'm glad we can just focus on the business with M and making sure R doesn't feel left out in the middle of it all. I think it's just par for the course when you're with someone who has children from a previous relationship. For the sake of those kids, your timeline that you envisioned for yourself is skewed.

Also, take her to court. Take Her To Court. TAKE HER TO COURT. Official things should be official yo.
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  #3  
June 10th, 2012, 08:08 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Norfolk, Va
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If she gives BF custody, there will be mediation with legal documents giving him primary physical custody.

I cant wait for you to move back. I know you know and understand how I feel.
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  #4  
June 10th, 2012, 08:29 AM
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Don't wait for her to give you custody. D did that with M's mom and things got out of hand to the point where CPS stepped in and they weren't willing to hand M to D because he was out of state where they don't have jurisdiction. That wouldn't apply to your case obviously but start out in control of the situation before CPS gets involved because their interests won't always line up with yours.
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  #5  
June 10th, 2012, 10:29 AM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ember Rose View Post
Also, take her to court. Take Her To Court. TAKE HER TO COURT. Official things should be official yo.
Yes. This. Totally.

And as far as TTC, it's not that he doesn't WANT to have a child with you but chose to with her, it's likely that he didn't have much of a choice in it (apart from the original act, mind you). It happened. It's been a difficult situation for him and he's thinking about his future children and making good, smart decisions about the right time for them. Also, men don't have the biological desire to have children like women do. He'll come around to it, just communicate your desire to him. ((hugs))

Welcome to the board!
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  #6  
June 10th, 2012, 11:52 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Norfolk, Va
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I cant make BF take BM to court. He doesn't want to go to court if he can avoid it. In the original mediation the lawyer suggested against giving her custody at all. All I can do is sit back and watch. We have had several dozen fights about court and custody. I have learned its best if I only speak up when I am asked my thoughts on the situation.

And I know he is just trying to do right by me and C and wait to TTC, It just stings ya know?
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  #7  
June 10th, 2012, 02:07 PM
.Katie.
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Having kids is a deal breaker in many relationships. Whether you want/don't want or it's him, if you guys aren't on the same page and can't comprimise then it's going to be a problem.

I understand your feelings on wanting to be more than his ex, but if you trust him, and you really know that he loves you then be patient! These things take time.

Welcome to the board
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  #8  
June 10th, 2012, 04:40 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Norfolk, Va
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Thanks katie. BF wants at least one more. So its just me overthinking the whole issue. I am sure once we are settled in the new house and have the TTC talk again it will go over better. C needs to be older as well at least 2 ( hes 21 mths) I would prefer him to be 3
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  #9  
June 10th, 2012, 04:50 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel View Post
And as far as TTC, it's not that he doesn't WANT to have a child with you but chose to with her, it's likely that he didn't have much of a choice in it (apart from the original act, mind you). It happened. It's been a difficult situation for him and he's thinking about his future children and making good, smart decisions about the right time for them.
I think Rachel is spot on with this. I really don't think these kinds of things come down to you vs. her. There is no competition.

For what it's worth, I think your feelings are totally valid and normal. That would be a hard conversation for me to have too. How long have you been with bf? The first couple of months that I was dating dh, I sometimes had some of the same feelings - not necessarily jealousy, but almost a feeling of inadequacy that someone else has shared something with him that I haven't (yet ). It sucked. Time and a lot of open communication made a big difference, and I can honestly say it has been a VERY long time since I've felt any of those things. Your worth to your bf lies in you and your relationship with him. Which milestones you have and have not hit are not a factor in your worth as a partner, and his love for you.

Oh, and I totally agree with going to court. Seriously - it's a pain in the patoot but it is worth it to ensure that you, your bf and C are protected legally.

Welcome to the board!
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  #10  
June 10th, 2012, 05:14 PM
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When it came down to it I told D I have a unique opportunity to see how my mate is going to be with children because you have some already. And if you can't fight for what's right for the ones you have I'd be a fool to have children with you and either hope I don't die or that if I do and some thing comes along you'll magically be able to produce the appropriate action. If I can't have children with you...that's something I want from life that isn't going to change as much as I love you. So....*shrug*

He was afraid to go to court. It's been hard, we've lost money. BUT he's glad he did it when he did and he wishes he'd done it sooner.
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  #11  
June 10th, 2012, 05:52 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Norfolk, Va
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I cant force BF to go. Right now BM is being totally reasonable. We document everything and keep receipts. for now thats all we can do. BF sought legal advice about taking custody. The lawyer said there would be no case. We have no proof she is an incapable mother. we cant use her BPD or the overdose against her.
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  #12  
June 11th, 2012, 10:56 AM
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((hugs)) That's tough. I wouldn't worry too much about the age difference though. My kids are 4 years apart & super close. I have a friend who's sister is 13 years older than her & they are best friends as adults.
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  #13  
June 11th, 2012, 11:47 AM
.Katie.
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My sister (who is technically my half sister) is 8 years older than me and she is my best friend. She helped raise me and was probably more of a mother to me than my own mother, and then our relationship changed when I was in my early 20's
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  #14  
June 11th, 2012, 08:37 PM
stucklikeglue's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: sunny state
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Hugs I just wanted to say that my bf told me from the get go that he did NOT want kids. I told him I wanted one more. He had 3 I had 1. Countless time We argued and I cried Bc he wouldn't change his mind. But I decided I would rather be with him then to have another kid. We had an oopsie, I was on birthcontrol and was proscribed zcam for a cold. 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant.. anyways... bf told me he could never put another kid through what his kids are going through now. Back and fourth from our house to bm's houses. I understood that. Give it time and talk if you tell him how you feel you never know what he'll say
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  #15  
June 11th, 2012, 08:42 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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Welcome to the board. It's very hard to be in our situations. I have to agree with Rachel and Kris. It's not about you and her thing, it's about actually controlling and having a say in the matter. Also, the age gap isn't really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. All my kids bio kids are or will be 8 years apart and I haven't had any issues with the ages. Matter of fact, I have more issues with DD and DSD who are only 3 years apart.
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  #16  
June 11th, 2012, 08:42 PM
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Welcome. I have 3. The older 2 are 27 months apart and then a 7 year gap. They have a different but still a great relationship.
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  #17  
June 12th, 2012, 09:05 AM
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welcome to the board!
I went through exactly what you are, my DH has two kids and they were 1 and 3 when we got together, after a year of dating I wanted a baby(mind you I was only 20then.. so probably not the best idea) and DH still won't take BM to court, right now things are good, but they've been horrible in the past.
DH and I never TTC, our daughter was an Oopsie! lol but I'm glad we got the extra time to grow together.
my daughter is 6 and 4 years younger than her siblings and they play with her great, so age gap isn't that big of a deal( I , too was worried about the age difference)
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