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  #1  
June 12th, 2012, 08:59 PM
stucklikeglue's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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First I want to say I love my family. Now I know I introduced myself but didn't go into great detail. How do you deal being alone with your sk? I hats it. They don't listen they lie so I pretty much try to ignore them until their dad gets home. Don't get me wrong. I have been here almost 4 yrs this August, I have tried to make a relationship with all of them. What it really comes down to is their bms. Dp asked me to talk to dsd about tampons bc she asked him about them. I did that and also spoke with her about ppl touching her inappropriately. Dp asked that I spoke with her about that as well. So I did. The next day bm picks her up and then texts dp that I am not allowed to talk to her about stuff like that bc it HER job. ( this was 2 years ago) I let it go. Well a couple months ago I was lurking on bm1 fb and saw she posted some nasty crap about dp. My dsd is on her mom's fb and can see that. So I talked to dsd about it. Saying I don't think its appropriate and asked if she believed it. Well bm text me that night to tell me I need to leave her alone and that its none of my business. It got pretty heated between us. So pretty much anything I say to any of my sk is on Watch. I feel like if I tell them to do something its not my job. Even dp has made it seem that way. He told me to take her to go see hunger games and I'm not even comfortable doing that. I fell like an outsider to this family and its very aggravating!
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Last edited by stucklikeglue; June 12th, 2012 at 09:06 PM.
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  #2  
June 12th, 2012, 09:42 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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I love spending time with Reme. he's a sweet and creative little boy who loves to get and give affection. He might drive me insane with his incessant question asking sometimes, but I just try and drown him out while still paying attention to him.

I also have a good relationship with his mom, and that probably makes all the difference in the world. She and DH do a lot of communicating so it makes it really easy on me. If their mom's have a problem, I suggest they speak to your DP since HE is the one asking you to talk to them. But for the time being, I might tell him that you're not comfortable with it until he's spoken with the moms.
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  #3  
June 13th, 2012, 06:16 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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If every interaction I had with my dsc ended with a nasty text from bm, I would be wary of hanging out with them too. For what it's worth, I don't think anything you said or did was out of line and I *despise* parents who spew venom about their exes in front of the kids (whether that's in person or on the internet), because it's the kids who are hurt and put in the middle when that happens. My dsc's bm badmouths dh every chance she gets, and I'm tossed in there fairly often. It frustrates us because it's often blatant lies, but it doesn't hurt *our* feelings if she doesn't like us. She's only hurting the kids by placing them in the middle of something they don't need to be involved in on an adult level and dumping her baggage on them.

She also drills the kids every time they spend time with us and so I completely hear you feeling like you're on Watch. Whatever - if she wants to drag out information about us being happy and moving forward with our lives, she's welcome to. I just wish she wouldn't turn her children into spies. I'm sorry your dsc's bm(s?) are doing the same.

Have you talked to your dp about it? Can you block their phone numbers from your phone so they can't text you? They really have no right or reason to address you directly, and if it's becoming a problem you would be within your rights to end it. I wonder if that would help you feel more relaxed with interacting with your dsc.
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  #4  
June 13th, 2012, 06:56 AM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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Well you're partner should support you 100% and not give in to his ex's whims and irrationality. If he doesn't, then you need to chat with him about it. I agree that you didn't do anything out of line with your step kids and their mom needs to get over herself and her need to control.

I would just keep doing what you're doing and not let her reaction control your life.
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  #5  
June 13th, 2012, 07:03 AM
stucklikeglue's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Dp has spoken with bm1 I say 1 because bm2 hasn't been much of a problem with me anyways. Bm1 pretty much said I have no right to speak to her and his children and I have my own kids to raise. I came back at her saying that what goes on in her two failed marriages shouldnt be discussed with her 12 year old daughter. That started the "war " I guess but to me If I was divorced it would have been a fail marriage .. dp text her later that day when she brought up our texts and said to he'd that I'm just trying to be a stepmother, and that she keeps delaying that by doing what shes doing. She manipulative and two faced.. I went to walmart with J that two years ago to buy her bras bc her bm hadn't done it yet, and then got a text from bm saying thank you so much and she so glad that I'm there for their kids and I'm a great mom blab blab. She will manipulate dp I to giving her money when we are the ones with custody! Text him I don't have money for gas ect. But seems to have new hair put in or a new tattoo. He will give in bc he says she is the mother of my kids. That's where it bothers me. He says he has 5 women in his life his two daughters me and two ex's I tell him he shouldn't be pleasing them anymore and needs to worry about me
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  #6  
June 13th, 2012, 07:22 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stucklikeglue View Post
Dp has spoken with bm1 I say 1 because bm2 hasn't been much of a problem with me anyways. Bm1 pretty much said I have no right to speak to her and his children and I have my own kids to raise. I came back at her saying that what goes on in her two failed marriages shouldnt be discussed with her 12 year old daughter. That started the "war " I guess but to me If I was divorced it would have been a fail marriage .. dp text her later that day when she brought up our texts and said to he'd that I'm just trying to be a stepmother, and that she keeps delaying that by doing what shes doing. She manipulative and two faced.. I went to walmart with J that two years ago to buy her bras bc her bm hadn't done it yet, and then got a text from bm saying thank you so much and she so glad that I'm there for their kids and I'm a great mom blab blab. She will manipulate dp I to giving her money when we are the ones with custody! Text him I don't have money for gas ect. But seems to have new hair put in or a new tattoo. He will give in bc he says she is the mother of my kids. That's where it bothers me. He says he has 5 women in his life his two daughters me and two ex's I tell him he shouldn't be pleasing them anymore and needs to worry about me
Well, whether she likes it or not, her children are part of THEIR FATHER'S family, and by extension that means part of your family. It's completely insane and unreasonable for her to expect you not to interact with them. She needs to get over herself. Roll your eyes at her crazy and do you thing in your own home with your family.

And yes, you're absolutely right - marital issues and certainly past marital issues do not need to be discussed with children. They just don't. It serves no purpose besides to stir the pot and hurt the kids.

The more he gives into requests for extra money, the more often she's going to try it. It's not your dp's job to ensure that she uses her income properly. The "I have five women in my life" comment bothers me.
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  #7  
June 13th, 2012, 08:51 AM
mom2more's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I don't like the 5 women in my life comment either!! I understand that because he had kids with those women that they will always be in his life, to an extent. But it should not be a big part!!

When I got serious with my hubby I noticed all the games his ex would play. I let him know right away I was not putting up with it! He had custody of the kids and she didn't pay child support, which I was fine with. IT was more important for him to have his kids than get money. But what I did have a problem with was her asking him for $ for her car payment! She barely saw the kids...that car was to drive her around! She has a new bf that she lived with and all the time in the world to work. So I told hubby (who was my bf at the time) that if he paid her car payment I fully expected him to pay mine! lol

When bm would say anything about me dh would shut her down right away. And when she would play games, like we send the kids to her in nice clothes and she sends them back in old stuff she had that doesn't fit right I would hang onto those clothes. The next time she picked them up they would wear those clothes! lol She complained to dh once about the way I sent them to her (because he was at work when she picked them up). He repsonded by telling her that the clothes were good enough for her to send them to us in!

When school pics came up I told the kids we were not getting them. Instead I took them to a local portrait studio and got one of their reasonable packages. It included individual shots of each kid and ones of them together. The whole package cost the same as one of them getting school pics would have. BM was livid, she expected hubby to pay for school pics and give her some! lol She actually told him I had no right to tell her kids they could not get school pics. He of course told her that she was more than welcome to go to the school, get the picture day package info and order some pictures! We would make sure the kids looked nice on picture day for her.

Sorry...didn't mean to hijack your post...just wanted to show that lots of stepmoms go through nonsense in the early years.
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  #8  
June 13th, 2012, 10:36 AM
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((hugs)))

I don't have any contact with dh's ex. We have no communications whatsoever. He does all the communicating with her.

But we've been through it all with dh's dds. Bio mom getting jealous because they liked me, bio mom lying & telling them that Dh & I were having an affair while they were still married (we didn't even meet until after he moved out & the reason they split was her multiple affairs).

It's so frustrating. Dh's oldest opted out of our family which honestly was a huge relief to me. She was more in her mom's clutches but I still feel like I walk around on eggshells with the youngest when she comes to visit. I feel like everything I say & do will get reported back to bio mom & then be twisted into a negative.

My advice is to set some boundaries asap starting with no communication with bio mom. Also, make it clear to your dp that he isn't allowed to ask you to discuss personal things with your dsd that he is to either handle it or tell her to go to her mom.
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  #9  
June 13th, 2012, 12:54 PM
.Katie.
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The more you focus on the things outside of your home the less you will live in it. Forget the other BMs and just run your home and try everyday to learn to love your stepkids. You're 4 years into what most say takes an average of 7 years to get down. I don't have this down at all and I make mistakes everyday but giving up is not an option. Ignoring your kids can be just as damaging to some as if you were abusing them.
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  #10  
June 13th, 2012, 01:03 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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I agree with Rachel.

You need to cut off all communications with her. To continue talking to her will only make things worse. For some reason a lot of men think it's easier to just please bm and get it over with. What they fail to realize is that they hurt us in the interim. Try explaining to DP that he needs to stop trying so hard to make bm happy cause it will only enable her to continue acting the way she does.

Also, you and DP need to sit down with DSD and explain to her that what goes on at your house is no one's business, even BM. It will take some time to get her to understand that but she is only learning to play everyone against each other right now and it will get worse.

For us, DSD has just started living here and it's a major adjustment for all involved. What I have done is kept my communications with BM to a minimum. We only spoke when absolutely necessary. She has never had my direct number and I've never had hers. We taught DSD that she needed to respect me, her father and our home. That doesn't always go as smoothly as we would like, but it has worked out for the most part. I've been in her life for 10 years with her living with BM for the bulk of it. It was never easy, still isn't, but the rules we've set up over the years have made her living here a bit more easy.
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  #11  
June 13th, 2012, 01:25 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
Also, you and DP need to sit down with DSD and explain to her that what goes on at your house is no one's business, even BM. It will take some time to get her to understand that but she is only learning to play everyone against each other right now and it will get worse.
This was a rule with my older two and their dad. He didn't question them about what went on here and I didn't question them about what went on there. It does take a mature person to agree to that, though.
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  #12  
June 13th, 2012, 01:36 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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I would love to implement something like that here. We don't ask about bm or what goes on at home, period, so there's that - but I'm not sure what to do about her Inquistion-ing of the kids after time with us. We could maybe say something to them about what happens at our house is no one else's business, but I'm sure she would twist that into us trying to keep secrets from her or something.
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  #13  
June 13th, 2012, 03:12 PM
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I wouldn't be talking to her after all of that. And I would let him deal with her if she has any issues with you. Also if she's trashing him HE needs to stand up for HIMSELF. Stay out of that one it'll just get ugly.

Also, I straight up told my husband I'm not here for foolishness and if I'm not his equal in this house I walk. If he thinks he can just check out because he needs a break I walk. We're a team and he needs to be present. The. End.
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Last edited by Ember Rose; June 13th, 2012 at 03:22 PM.
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  #14  
June 13th, 2012, 05:37 PM
stucklikeglue's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks ladies for all the great responses!!
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  #15  
June 13th, 2012, 07:17 PM
mom2more's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am not sure about the "what happens here is nobody else's business" and "what happens there is nobody's business" thing. We had an issue with my hubby's ex saying this to the kids when bad things happened at her house. SS was little and started telling us a story involving police coming to his mom's house and sd started telling him that what happens at their mom's is nobody's business. We had to sit them down and tell them that there are no secrets anywhere and that they should be able to talk about anything with us.

We later got the story from the kids and quite a few others that were pretty serious.
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  #16  
June 13th, 2012, 07:31 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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There will always be exceptions to that rule, case like yours in point. However, when a simple conversation with a child gets twisted, turned around and then causes drama...those things don't need to be told to the other parent. For example, if the child acts out then gets punished because of it, the other parent has no business calling/texting to start problems because of it. We've dealt with that a few times and it's not conducive to raising the child. It shows them that no matter what one parent is the only authority and always right and the other parent doesn't deserve to be respected equally.
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  #17  
June 13th, 2012, 08:30 PM
stucklikeglue's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I agree that there are always exceptions. Their bms aren't always the problem, my sons bd causes problems too. But a five yr old doesn't understand the saying g what goes on at mommy's stays at mommy's house... bd doesn't say things to dp though doesn't even have his number, and I think if bd has a problem with dp then he should take it up with me first. But there are always exceptions. Last year bm1 came to the house to drop off sd and ss and her finance was smoking g a cig dp said directly to him "you don't smoke in the vehicle with my children in there." I can understand something like that and I'm sure bm smokes with kids in her car..we just don't know it, but the kids have come home smelling like it.
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