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  #1  
June 28th, 2012, 02:18 AM
Koti's Avatar Nugget's Mommy
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Without an entire history here's the story. My boyfriend has 3 kids. For some reason, I cannot stand to be around the youngest one, an 8 year old girl. I have even banned her from my apartment. Everything she does annoys me. I promise that I have tried and tried with her. I take her places, get her things, and occasionally let her stay. She will hug on me and I hug her back. I don't hate her but I just cannot stand to be around her. When I let boyfriend know why (she's spoiled, whiney, and aggrivating with the constant commentating of every.single.thing that happens) he compares that to my 2 year old boy. How is that even comparable? He's ridiculous. Also, she is his favorite kid, which is totally not fair. His other kids know it though. I don't know, I just feel like she is disgusting and evil and I want her to go away.

I promise I'm not evil, I don't generally dislike people, and I can't wrap my head around why I feel this way about this girl. I get along with the other two kids fine, the 13 year old girl the best and you would expect that to be unlikely.

What's wrong with me? I would not tolerate my partner feeling that way about my kids. I'm so conflicted here.
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  #2  
June 28th, 2012, 06:49 AM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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Hrm, I get irritated with my oldest step son, but to ban an 8 year old from your house? How does that work?
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  #3  
June 28th, 2012, 08:58 AM
Koti's Avatar Nugget's Mommy
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Well that kind of goes into the history that I wasn't going to get into. And not allowing her over is partly her dad's fault and its not entirely against her. You see, I wanted us to be a family and we were Google to move in and she was always included in that plan but her father is mmaking it impossible. I guess maybe some of my dislike from her is actually due to her dad and our disagreements.

I'm actually wanting some advice on what I can do myself to ease these feelings of dislike towards her. Is there any advice for that?
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  #4  
June 28th, 2012, 09:34 AM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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It would depend on why you don't like her, I guess. If she's mean or malicious to your child I can understand your feelings, but if she's just a naive, longing to be loved and included 8 year old ... ???
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  #5  
June 28th, 2012, 11:14 AM
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ok from experience ---- 8 year old girls are in general, whiney, bossy, nosey and annoying. Just saying. They have an opinion on EVERYTHING. Want to know EVERYTHING that's going on! Etc.

I worked back stage for my dd's dance recital this past weekend & was with a group of 7-10 year old girls . I actually told 1 girl - infront of her mother "Thank you but I have my own daughter to tell me what to do, I don't need you to as well" Another sassed me when I told her to go back on stage after the last show was done. She said "we don't have to that was only for the rehearsal" in a very snotty tone.

So if it's that kind of things, I'd say suck it up & deal with it. It's a phase & it does pass. (my dd is 10).
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  #6  
June 28th, 2012, 12:05 PM
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sounds just like my 7 year old Step Son. Kids are annoying. We were annoying, our kids will be annoying, our spouse's/SO's kids are annoying. Grand kids will be annoying.... get where I'm going?

What I do know is, if I tried to Ban Reme from my home, DH would put me on the first plane to "get the hell out of my life"ville. And I'm pretty sure I'd deserve it.

She's 8, you're an adult. Learn to get over it. I'm sure she finds you annoying too.. I know Reme does, he told me himself.



It's really hard for us to give advice with half a story. If you take it out on her because you're mad at her father... that's immature and just wrong.
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  #7  
June 28th, 2012, 12:24 PM
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Just want to add that Dh's oldest is banned from my house. It happened when she was 13 & it was after 3 years of very intense game play, manipulation & vicious back stabbing on her part. Dh agrees with it btw. Her behavior was out of line & affecting our family & our marriage.

So I get having issues with step children. But there is a difference from her behavior annoys me & her behavior is disruptive & destructive to your family. I agree that we need more info. Because my bio kids annoy me often too. Last night I was so frustrated with my son. I had to just keep saying "I love my son, I love my son, I love my son" He's 6 btw.

Have you considered counseling? If I had to do it all over again, I'd have us in a counsellors office as soon as we decided the relationship was going somewhere.
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  #8  
June 28th, 2012, 01:14 PM
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Well ill give some back story. He's married, and playing around getting a divorce. He pays the wife child support for the kids that she doesn't keep. He's been staying with me for a year and has not once paid any bill. I struggle. That is where the keeping her out of my house comes into play. Its actually an issue with him and we are actually on edge in our relationship due to this.

However, he will not discipline her when she acts up in my home in front of my impressionable 2.5 year old. I wont discipline her because I don't feel that its my right to do so.

I'm not asking for acceptance because I feel horrible that I can't get past this, but I'm also not looking for judgement. Advice or experiences would be great and are appreciated.
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  #9  
June 28th, 2012, 02:37 PM
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Not judging you in the least but I do have to say I'd get out of the relationship if I were you. What benefits (other than between the sheets) do you get from this relationship? He supports his other family but doesn't even contribute to yours. He mooches off of you. So basically he gets to have his cake & eat it too.

I think your issue are more with dad than dd. You need to evaluate if this relationship is worth it. And do you want this guy to be the example for your impressionable son?
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  #10  
June 28th, 2012, 03:40 PM
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I have to agree with Kris. He's using you plain and simple. You probably know that deep down inside and that's why you're taking it out on his "favorite" child. It's time to put your foot down. He needs to contribute to both your house and child support.

Also, I hate to say it but, if he hasn't gotten the divorce yet, chances are he won't any time soon and that's not fair to you. Are your two bio kids his? If they are, I don't get how he can pay support for his other kids but not contribute to you guys. Other than that, it sounds like the 8 year old is being a normal 8 year old. I'm not the biggest fan of my dsd at all times, she annoys the crap out of me and most of us, but I'm the adult so I deal. She's a part of my DH and until the day comes to where she behaves in a way that is destructive to the entire family and our marriage, I will put up with any and all annoyances.

Finally, if her dad isn't disciplining her in your home then you must do so. Not saying beat the child up or anything. But if she's acting out in your house and he's allowing it, then you need to step up and teach her to respect your house. You may feel it's not your place, but when it comes to your HOME it is your place regardless of the child's relation to you.
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  #11  
June 28th, 2012, 04:29 PM
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I actually went to a counselor today for the first time in my life. He told me I was stupid. He is so right but he feels like the relationship is salvageable and for the sake of both of us and all of our children that we could try to work it out. There are steps we have to take and we both agreed to go to counseling together. Its our first step into trying to make this right. And he actually did something to help me financially today. As for the daughter, I will try to get help with that but you are right, I think my dislike for her descends from his behaviour.
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  #12  
June 28th, 2012, 04:59 PM
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I still am not sure what your issues with the child are. It's not her fault that she's not disciplined and it's not her fault that her dad is not being supportive of his second family.

Good luck with the counseling.
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  #13  
June 28th, 2012, 05:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Koti View Post
Without an entire history here's the story. My boyfriend has 3 kids. For some reason, I cannot stand to be around the youngest one, an 8 year old girl. I have even banned her from my apartment. Everything she does annoys me. I promise that I have tried and tried with her. I take her places, get her things, and occasionally let her stay. She will hug on me and I hug her back. I don't hate her but I just cannot stand to be around her. When I let boyfriend know why (she's spoiled, whiney, and aggrivating with the constant commentating of every.single.thing that happens) he compares that to my 2 year old boy. How is that even comparable? He's ridiculous. Also, she is his favorite kid, which is totally not fair. His other kids know it though. I don't know, I just feel like she is disgusting and evil and I want her to go away.

I promise I'm not evil, I don't generally dislike people, and I can't wrap my head around why I feel this way about this girl. I get along with the other two kids fine, the 13 year old girl the best and you would expect that to be unlikely.

What's wrong with me? I would not tolerate my partner feeling that way about my kids. I'm so conflicted here.
I'm going to try to talk in a constructive manner but I will state right out... what you are saying about an innocent child is kind of disturbing to me. If you were my SO saying that about MY child... you would be out the door so quick it's not even funny.

So I will talk to you as someone who has a child and someone who is in a relationship with a man that has a son. Who can bother me at times (jeeze, all kids do, even my own!) but to be that outright mean about a child kind of disturbs me.

First off, to say you feel like she is disgusting and evil and you want her to go away is horrifying. I can guarantee that she KNOWS you feel that way about her and kids WILL act like hellions toward people that don't like them. Kids have better instincts than most adults. You might act like you like her but if it's just a front, guaranteed she is going to know that and will respond to you just as you feel about her. But I don't know how you can think a kid is disgusting or evil... it's just... wow.

Also, to ban her from your house and have part of the reason because her father doesn't pay bills is insane. Sorry, punish the GUY, not the CHILD. If he won't help you... kick him out and do things on your own! I lived with my SO for awhile and didn't pay rent. I couldn't. I helped with groceries though, but if he said "Well you don't pay rent so I really don't want your child here tonight" I'd have my **** packed that night and would leave.

The kids behavior is normal too. I mean the commenting on everything... come on, all kids do that! There are times my 8 year old talks talks talks TALKS nonstop and it's like "Jesus Christ I don't care about the ******* sky being blue for the 200000th time today" but thats when you smile, nod, and say "Yeah, it's nice honey!" and tune out a little. ALL parents master that slight level of tuning out. But kids are inquisitive. Being spoiled... well the youngest tend to be. It's the matter of taking it out on the PARENTS that enabled that... not the child. If she's whiny... why? Is she picking up on people really not liking her so she doesn't have fun and just complains just as much as you are in your head? And also... every parent kind of has a "favorite" kid. It may not be totally fair... but even if I have another child my lily will ALWAYS be my favorite. Just as Wesley will be Tony's favorite. I am my Moms favorite because I almost died when I was younger. My sister doesnt hold fault to me for that.

Be mad at the father for not finalizing the divorce if you want to be, but don't take it out on an innocent child. And if you can't totally separate your feelings do the CHILD a favor and leave the relationship. I'm sorry but it's just really heartbreaking to hear someone say such things about a child.

I love my future stepson, and yeah he annoys the crap out of me sometimes (so does my own child) and I parent my child differently than Tony does. But I could never fathom calling him disgusting and evil... that is just horrifying. I really suggest doing some family counseling before that poor little girl gets hurt badly. She will only treat you worse if you keep portraying those feelings (and as long as you feel it, you will exude those feelings). I always make sure I treat Wesley as I treat my own, because he deserves it. And I can guarantee that if Tony didn't treat my daughter the same... his *** would be gone.

Sorry if this is harsh, but I am just kind of in shock someone would say that about a child.
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  #14  
June 28th, 2012, 07:28 PM
Koti's Avatar Nugget's Mommy
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Well taking.g as you are thinking I'm mean to that little girl, you are wrong and maybe I should flame you for your assumptions but I wont. Its OK. I'm not mean to the girlat all. She doesn't know she's not allowed here. She never has lived with but stayed from time to time. I would never ever be mean to a kid. Not being able to be around her and being mean to her are two different things. She isn't forever banned either, just until things get better. Or should I allow her to be in an environment that is tense between her father and I? Ha, doubt that. I'm glad I have acounselor because although I clearly stated that I'm not looking for your judgment I got it anyways. I guess you're perfect t through that computer screen.
I bow out gracefully and am disappointed that I came on JM "the friendliest place for mothers" asking advice and got flamed...by an admin. Peace.

Oh and as far disgusting, I don't appreciate messes made that are preventable and then not cleaned up. It's disgusting.
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  #15  
June 28th, 2012, 07:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Koti View Post
I actually went to a counselor today for the first time in my life. He told me I was stupid. He is so right but he feels like the relationship is salvageable and for the sake of both of us and all of our children that we could try to work it out. There are steps we have to take and we both agreed to go to counseling together. Its our first step into trying to make this right. And he actually did something to help me financially today. As for the daughter, I will try to get help with that but you are right, I think my dislike for her descends from his behaviour.
Actually, the first step would be for him to actually begin the divorce process. I understand that there are circumstantial reasons why a divorce may not be final when you begin to date someone such as mandatory waiting periods and things like that (I started dating my dh while he was in that period, as a matter of fact) but it doesn't sound like that's what's going on here. He's pretty blatantly keeping one foot in the door with his wife and the other in the free roam, board and presumably, bedroom activities that you're currently providing for him.

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Well taking.g as you are thinking I'm mean to that little girl, you are wrong and maybe I should flame you for your assumptions but I wont. Its OK. I'm not mean to the girlat all. She doesn't know she's not allowed here. She never has lived with but stayed from time to time. I would never ever be mean to a kid. Not being able to be around her and being mean to her are two different things. She isn't forever banned either, just until things get better. Or should I allow her to be in an environment that is tense between her father and I? Ha, doubt that. I'm glad I have acounselor because although I clearly stated that I'm not looking for your judgment I got it anyways. I guess you're perfect t through that computer screen.
I bow out gracefully and am disappointed that I came on JM "the friendliest place for mothers" asking advice and got flamed...by an admin. Peace.

Oh and as far disgusting, I don't appreciate messes made that are preventable and then not cleaned up. It's disgusting.
Messes and annoying behaviour are kind of par for the course with pretty much any children. I'm sure that it's harder to cope with when it isn't your biological child, but I think your expectations are unrealistic and your responses to her actions are harsh. If your personalities simply don't mesh, that's okay. Everyone meets people that they don't mesh well with on a regular basis. Your job, then, is to remember that she's still a child and you are responsible for showing her how to interact with people you clash with in a way that's kind and respectful.

To be honest, none of what you're describing sounds like a big deal to me. I think you're entirely projecting your feelings about her father onto her, and it isn't healthy. She didn't ask for any of this. Whether or not she is aware of it, you have made a rule that an 8 year old child is not allowed to be in your home because she makes messes and acts in an annoying way sometimes. You don't have to yell at her or "be mean" to her to alienate her.

I don't think anyone thinks they're "perfect" through their computer screens. You posted a question about how to NOT feel angry at your dsd, and no one really knows what to tell you because your reasons don't really make sense to any of us. You're being intentionally vague and only sharing partial information. We don't have a lot to go on, and I don't see anyone flaming here. I think the other ladies have written thoughtful, honest and respectful responses to your question. I'm sorry that they weren't the answers you were hoping for.
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  #16  
June 28th, 2012, 08:07 PM
Koti's Avatar Nugget's Mommy
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Thank you Kayla. I'm back in.

I have to be vague. This is all new to me. The relationship is.still fairly.new and I don't.know how.to.act but I promise I am not mean to the girl.

I wrote these posts while.angry and while.that doesn't make.them right or make me look any less like.a monster I was heated.

I should actually say she isn't banned but while the issues are going on with me and her father I would rather her not be physically in it. It's not to say she is never allowed ever again, but not right now. I would rather not be.mean to her and have her away than to have her here and m blow a gasket on her.

I don't know. I'm not an evil person. I just don't understand what to do. I am, and have openly admitted that my feelings spawn from the problems with her father.


I have never said to her that she is evil or disgusting. But when I'm ready and her father are ready we need to sit and go over ground rules not only.for her but for me and my children as well.

Part of the reason I decided to see a counselor is because I know the way I'm feeling is wrong.

Her father and I have a child.together and I know it may seem like I need to.dump him I would really rather work on making a stable environment for not only our child but for all of the children.
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  #17  
June 28th, 2012, 08:31 PM
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Her father and I have a child.together and I know it may seem like I need to.dump him I would really rather work on making a stable environment for not only our child but for all of the children.
I'm sure that you *would* rather work things out. I don't blame you - I would want for things to be happy and stable too. Having said that, I really don't get the impression that your boyfriend cares very much about doing the same thing and no amount of effort on your part can compensate for his lack thereof. A man who wants a future with you doesn't drag his feet and mess around with filing for divorce. A man who values you and your children (one of which is *his* biological child) contributes to the household financially. I hope for the sake of all of the children involved that I've got the wrong impression. Based on what you've shared, though, I don't see anything that says he really cares about you or a real future with you.
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  #18  
June 28th, 2012, 08:42 PM
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You are right and that's why everything blew up so big.

I may realize that this is a mistake in the future but I'm going to give it one more shot.

Mostly because he has contacted a lawyer about the divorce and custody of his kids with her and he did finally today financially provide. I just hope and pray that it isn't a fluke.

I know this wasn't initially about our relationship and I value all of the input on the relationship but I am.stubborn.

I'm also feeling really very guilty about the daughter. I've had such a long and draining day dealing with everything. Ill probably regret that I made all of this public. I just hope she never felt like I hate her because I do not. I really want to work on being understanding.
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  #19  
June 29th, 2012, 01:49 AM
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I don't know why you would flame me for my assumptions... I and anyone else can only go on what is presented to us. I mean look at it this way, if I was a friend in your life and called your children evil and disgusting what would you think? It's incredibly harsh to say that about a child.

It is also not fair to her that she is not allowed at your house because things are tense between you and the father. He still needs to establish a relationship with his children. What if you broke up, and his excuse to not see any children you had together was "Im fighting with my wife right now, I dont want the kid here." Any fights should be left behind closed doors anyways, so any tense relations between you two should have NO bearing on the child and shouldn't mean you take time away from a child and her father.

You don't want to get flamed but no one is flaming you. I'm stating my side of the situation as I have been there in a blended family and believe me we have had MANY problems. But I know **** well my *** would be to the curb if I spoke about Wesley the way you speak about that little girl... just as Tony would be kicked to the curb if he talked about Lily that way. I'm not going to pat your head and say it's okay... as I said kids WILL pick up on your feelings. You may say you don't show it, but I know that kids are very astute and pick up on more than we give them credit for.

As for disgusting... kids make messes. And yes, they don't always clean up after them. That's when teaching moments come in. My daughter used paint and I told her to wipe the clean brush on the towel but she got paint on it. It was preventable and now the towel is stained. But I said "Okay, we will keep this just for the acrylics. Now you see how they stain fabric." Use that moment to teach. I couldn't imagine calling her disgusting because hey, that mess was preventable. She spilled some mio last week right after I said to be careful carrying a full glass... again... IT HAPPENS! KIDS ARE KIDS! That doesn't make them disgusting. If she doesn't clean up, show her how, or provide a reasonable consequence. But to be all "Oh you didn't clean up after dinner!" and think a child is DISGUSTING because of it... well sorry... I just don't understand that. She's a child. She isn't an adult, her brain is still forming, and they don't rationalize like us. They are messy little creatures and they need to be taught how to grow out of that stage.

Furthermore, to go along with the kids and adults thing... She's a kid and to not have her there because you are afraid you might blow a gasket on her because of issues with the father, that's not right. You have more maturity to know how to control yourself, and you should control yourself where you dont blow up on a kid because of problems with the father or even problems with the kid. Never once have I ever blown up on Wesley because of issues with his father... and believe me there were times I had a HARD time controlling myself! There was one night I found out Tony cheated and Wesley was at the house and he wanted to play games. Instead of blowing up I controlled myself because you have to remember it's not the kids fault. Just take a deep breath and remind yourself that every time.... it's not his fault. Hes just a kid. Take the real problem behind closed doors to your SO and take it up with him, and don't take it out on the kid. The kid has a right to be there despite you being angry, in the end. You do have the right to take a breather and walk away though to regain your senses so you don't blow up. But to eradicate the kid entirely.... that's not fair.

I hope your one more shot works and counseling works. I hope the divorce pans out soon. But if it doesn't... remember not to take it out on the kid. It's never the kids fault in equations like this and the situation will only become worse because they will understand more than we give them credit for and will act accordingly to how we feel inside.
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  #20  
June 29th, 2012, 10:43 AM
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Well taking.g as you are thinking I'm mean to that little girl, you are wrong and maybe I should flame you for your assumptions but I wont. Its OK. I'm not mean to the girlat all. She doesn't know she's not allowed here. She never has lived with but stayed from time to time. I would never ever be mean to a kid. Not being able to be around her and being mean to her are two different things. She isn't forever banned either, just until things get better. Or should I allow her to be in an environment that is tense between her father and I? Ha, doubt that. I'm glad I have acounselor because although I clearly stated that I'm not looking for your judgment I got it anyways. I guess you're perfect t through that computer screen.
I bow out gracefully and am disappointed that I came on JM "the friendliest place for mothers" asking advice and got flamed...by an admin. Peace.

Oh and as far disgusting, I don't appreciate messes made that are preventable and then not cleaned up. It's disgusting.
What? Rachel, our admin, hasn't flamed you at all. Actually, we've all given you what we think is good advice based on the little information given at first and the drips and drabs that have come out after your initial post. Blended Families is not like the rest of JM. Here emotions run very high and most, if not all, are extremely stressed out with our own blended situations. Put the shoe on the other foot, how would you feel if your SO said something like that about one of your boys? Imagine that he came across JM and found your posts about his child, this is a very public site viewable to the world, so it's very plausible.

Furthermore, we are not here to hand hold and coddle ANYONE! You asked for advice and you go it. Did some of it come with judgement? Yes. But hey step outside your box and re read what you've typed out and then say no judgment please. It would be one thing if you were a long standing blended family board member, some of us would be able to put judgment aside. But with a new bf member it's very hard. I'd venture to guess that more than one of us would give the same advice and judgment to the a long standing board member as well, I know I would and I'd bet I can name at least two others that would too.

You continue to blame this child like it's all her fault. But from what YOU YOURSELF have posted, it's really not. It truly sounds like normal age appropriate behavior. I'm about to have my 3rd bio child and have been a step mom for 10 years, all three of the kids have gone through or are starting to go through that stage. My son, whom I love dearly and has been my "favorite" since birth, has been grating my nerves because of the age and where he's at right now. An 8 year old, one who has no discipline, according to you, can only clean up so much of their own mess. It is our jobs as parents and step parents to help guide them into learning from their mistakes and cleaning up after them. I would be willing to bet if your boys, once they're that age, do anything similar to his daughter you wouldn't find it disgusting. Disturbing maybe but not disgusting. Nor would you treat them, albeit in your mind, the same way you are this child. Just because she's not around all the time doesn't mean she's not picking up on something. The fact that you refuse to be around her gives her insight into something not being right. Excluding her from your presence can be just as mean as being mean directly to her. Children get hurt very easily, especially at that age.

I'm glad you've sought counseling and your and your SO are going to go through some of it together. You two obviously have a lot to work out. Regardless of what has been posted by others, I'm sure we all wish you nothing but the best of luck for your own sake and the sake of the children involved.
Rachel and w292737 like this.
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Last edited by K.A.T; June 29th, 2012 at 11:12 AM.
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