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  #1  
July 1st, 2012, 09:21 PM
praying for our rainbow
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,550
I am new to this board but plan on visiting more often because I am at a complete loss. Little history, me and DH were taking and planning on getting married, but SD's mom decided that she would refuse him to see her because well no reason. We ended up pushing up the wedding and got married 6months earlier so by states eyes I was family and could watch her when she came. We have spent $15,000 on lawyer and court costs. Mostly my savings, which I had no problem with because I love my SD and DH and it was nothing to help see her more and have our rights. Even after going to court it was always a struggle to get SD when we were supposed to. Fast forward, she left the guy she was with(who was abusing SD) and everything has been perfect or we thought, they got along, we got her a little extra etc etc. DH seems to only care about his "angel". She turns 6 tomorrow and lie's like no tomorrow, treats me and my son like dirt and some other behaviors which DH ignores. It makes me SOOOO furious. My son is here 24-7, and we have to wait until we have SD to go to a movie, go out to eat, etc etc because he wants it done as a "family" he seems to always want to one up the momma. Today they get into it about the 4th(its our year) and our on the porch yelling at each other, so I turn the tv up LOUD because we can still hear them and the kids don't need to hear that crap. Well this woman has the nerve to start talking crap about ME. ME the person who has been nice as freaking day to her since day 1, ME who paid for 1/2 of SD preschool costs when court said it was on her to do, ME who talks DH down from the ledge on multiple issues and has given her more time with SD this summer that was OUR half. Now SD has taken up calling me a liar, telling me she hates me etc etc. I have done nothing but bust my BUTT for this girl and try to help them out whenever possible and I get treated like dirt in my OWN house. I am to the point with all this crap going on and has been going on that if it aint about my two son's i don't care anymore. I lost one baby and I can almost say to a T that was because I stressed myself out so bad before we got married over the court crap and working to get the money that I lost the baby. I am pregnant now and have NOTHING for my new son, because I am working on trying to make SD happy, which seems impossible now that I just don't give a crap anymore. I feel like this blended family thing is never going to go easy, like there is always going to be a favorite child to DH and that I am always going to be the bad guy and be talked about like im trash and treated like trash by a 6 year old. Sorry guys, just needed to vent and hopefully one of you will tell me it will get better because I can't keep going like this.
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  #2  
July 2nd, 2012, 07:17 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Near the land of cream cheese
Posts: 5,583
First of all, welcome!

It sounds to me like your dsd's behaviour is partially stemming from the fact that she's simply 6 years old as well as the fact that her parents can't seem to act like adults. I'm sorry, but that includes your dh if he willingly engages in screaming matches with the bm, especially within earshot of the kids, and cares more about playing the one-up game than building a family. He would be much better served to set a good example and focus his energy into creating a stable home with you.

I don't think that there's anything wrong with doing something fun or special without your dsd. Obviously, if you can help it, it would be better to plan big things for when everyone will be able to be part of it but there certainly isn't anything wrong with seeing a movie or going out for dinner while she's with her mom.

I'm sorry that the bm started spewing hateful things about you. For what it's worth, there are some people who you will never win with no matter how much you do. You could have paid 100% of dsd's preschool costs and taken bm for a spa day and she would *still* have something rude to say. Don't count on ever being able to do enough for her to be satisfied. Most of us here have exes or bm's of dsc who are the same way. It stinks and for someone like me who values harmony and peace, it's really difficult, but it will save you a lot of mental stress to adjust your expectations on that one.

Can I ask how your dh responds when your dsd says rude things to you? I think it's fairly clear that her words stem from her mother dumping on her (we deal with that too). I would make a point to tell her that name-calling is not appropriate and not allowed in your home, that "I hate you" is not allowed in your home and that if you're angry, you may (whatever your house rules are... say, "I'm angry right now", punch a pillow, run around the back yard, etc). You may NOT (name-call, scream, be rude, etc) and have a consequence in place if she continues to do it anyway (time out, time in her room, loss of privileges, etc. whatever you do). When she says something rude, I would rephrase for her once ("You may not speak that way. You're angry, and you may say _______ instead, but rudeness and name-calling is not allowed in our home." If she was still rude, I would go right to the consequence.

I would be careful with responding to what her mother says (so if she calls your a liar because of something her mom said to her, for example, I wouldn't get into how and why that isn't true or any of the dynamics between her mother and you and dh mostly because she doesn't need to be involved in the first place, her little brain can't process it properly in the first place. I know sometimes that's a lot easier said than done. It also really distracts from the main problem here which is not the fact that her mother can't keep her mouth shut around her daughter (which is a problem but unfortunately it isn't one you can do much about) but the fact that dsd is speaking to you (and possibly dh?) disrespectfully. You *shouldn't* be treated like dirt in your home and it sets a poor standard for the rest of the children in the home including your unborn son.

It will be A LOT easier to curb the nastiness if your dh is on board and enforces the same rules that you do.

For what it's worth, blended family life *is* hard at first and the role of a step parent can be a thankless job. It can and does get better, though, with time and as you create a niche as a family. That includes firm boundaries, which are badly needed for your dsd especially.
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Last edited by Keakie; July 2nd, 2012 at 07:20 AM.
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  #3  
July 2nd, 2012, 11:24 AM
.Katie.
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Welcome!

I'm so sorry about your loss but congrats on your pregnancy!

The type of stuff you describe seems to be pretty typical issues for blended families to overcome. In short, yes it gets better but it takes a lot of work on yours and DH's part to become a solid unit. Aside from him sabotaging your trust when he ignores these behavioral problems his daughter is exhibiting, he is also doing her a huge disservice by not correcting them. The world doesn't need more bratty young women for sure.

This site helped me a lot in the beginning of our relationship and it's emphasis on committment of you and dh above everything else in the home has helped us create a solid foundation for our family and retain our sanity when the kids push us to our breaking point. I don't think it's wrong for you guys to not see eye to eye all the time, but you can't leave it that way once it's discovered. You leave room for resentment and it can push you apart without even realizing it.

Here's the site

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  #4  
July 2nd, 2012, 11:25 AM
praying for our rainbow
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,550
TO be honest when she says hurtful things to me or my son for the most part he seems to ignore it. It is to the point I am thinking about divorce everyday almost, DH gets mad at bm and takes it out on me, DH feels down on himself, he takes it out on me and whatever else. When sd is here she doesnt have to follow house rules, she can throw rocks, sticks call my son a pig and its whatever, she doesnt have to eat her meals here, she acts like she cant swallow her food and DH doesn't make her yet it. Yet my son has to follow the rules 24-7, eat your meals or no snack etc. If i try to talk to DH about it then he usually gets upset and starts a fight. I dont know, maybe I am just fooling myself into thinking that we can be happy and married with the kids. BM is allowed to say whatever she wants about me, and DH won't even defend me, heck anymore he treats her like a queen compared to me. I dunno Im just at the end of my rope anymore.
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  #5  
July 2nd, 2012, 11:46 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Near the land of cream cheese
Posts: 5,583
I don't have anything constructive to give you, but your husband's handling of the situation makes me really angry. I'm sorry that the person who is supposed to be your partner is dropping the ball so badly.
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  #6  
July 2nd, 2012, 10:18 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NYC
Posts: 13,499
I'm with Kayla here. Your DH is allowing this to be worse than what it needs to be. DH would never let BM say a foul word about me, let alone in front of dsd. I know she has when DH wasn't around, but to his face or mine, it won't happen. The one and only time she did speak ill of me I threatened to show her just how *insert stereotype* I can get. That never happened again. Sometimes we just have to stand our ground and put our foot down, hard. I hope it does get easier as time goes on. It's not going to be easy, especially with DH and BM using her as a pawn. That's a major part of why she's acting the way she is.
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  #7  
July 3rd, 2012, 07:19 AM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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I wanted to stop by and welcome you to the board. I don't have time to respond right now, but I'll be back!

Welcome!
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  #8  
July 3rd, 2012, 10:23 AM
stucklikeglue's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: sunny state
Posts: 2,424
I don't have much to say. I can say I've been dealing with this since the beginning and although their children were older but not by much. It is always Mostly about the daughter. He does speak up for me and he puts me in my place if I'm wrong. I don't speak with bm anymore bc of the problems she does cause between our family's. I hope that it will get better in time. And stand up for yourself, my sd is 12 right now and I think if we had met when she was younger we might have a better relationship.
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  #9  
July 3rd, 2012, 11:44 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,097
Hugs

I wish I could tell you that it will get better. But you can't control bio mom. For us, her behavior has never changed. You do need to work on your relationship with your dh. And you both have to agree on what rules both kids should follow. Rules shouldn't be different per child.

Have you considered counseling?
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  #10  
July 4th, 2012, 09:28 PM
praying for our rainbow
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 1,550
Well I finally sat down and talked to DH to got some things straightened out I hope. When they were out front fighting I didn't once hear DH talking, it was only bio mom. I guess she kept getting mad because he wouldn't raise his voice at her and argue with her etc. She kept throwing in that she has full custody and can do whatever and whenever with HER daughter when she wants. Then of course kept bringing up child support. This woman drives me NUTS about the child support, she tries to play the innocent single mom role, but yet she can go shopping for HER and out to eat at places that cost $40+ for 4 people 4 or 5 times a week. She is getting about $50 more a week than she should be getting but our judge wasn't there and we had a judge who did NOTHING but talk about how his daughter was going through the same thing when DH lost his job and we tried to get it lowered to his new pay. What she doesn't get right now is that we are getting our lawyer and going back after Isaiah is born and getting it lowered and I believe with our lawyer we will get it lowered since he will have a second child. We settled on some good ground rules for both kids, and now since I am going to be working during the day time, he will be up with the kids and will notice more of what is really going on since he used to sleep during the day. I am having a lot of drama going on with my mom, basically demanding my son this day and this day and wants to be gone with him all day etc and that's really put a strain on our marriage then of course she has to criticize how I am going to nurse and cloth diaper Isaiah when he's born so we are working through that now too. Thank you for all the comments, I really appreciate them. Im just going to ignore bio mom and focus on the kids and DH and ignore everyone else and their comments.
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