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  • 1 Post By .Katie.
  • 3 Post By K.A.T

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  #1  
July 18th, 2012, 11:15 AM
Baby Boy Coming in March!
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Phoenix-Metro area
Posts: 1,842
My ex husband is quite a character and the father of my 2 kids. We live on opposite sides of the country (which I'm thankful for). He signed the consent decree, after a long winding road of trying to convince him, and the divorce is final. However, he doesn't know I'm dating and definitely doesn't know I'm pregnant. He's still on this kick about wanting me back and he'll do whatever it takes. Things have been pretty friendly between us, even though he didn't want the divorce, and we've been separated over 1.5 years. The kids are good and adjusting well and my SO is a trooper! The kids ADORE him...

I haven't said anything to my ex about me dating or about the pregnancy because frankly I feel it's none of his business and I think it'll turn him into a huge jerk, creating more stress for me and strife for the kids, and after all I've put up with to keep things friendly, I really would like them to stay that way....

Am I wrong for not telling him? I know he'll find out eventually, obviously, but only sees the kids once every few months... So I figure if I can go a few months without him knowing and have a few more months of keeping the peace, it would be for the best, yes?

Ugh, I'm so torn & stressing about this.
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  #2  
July 18th, 2012, 11:40 AM
.Katie.
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As long as you haven't ever given him an indication that you're also interested in getting back together I can't see why/how he could hold you moving on against you.

When I was dating DH, Julie told her dad. It resulted in him yelling at me in the driveway one day while he was picking up the girls for visit and Julie told him that she met DH. It was ugly... but it was dealt with and we have all adjusted for the most part since.

I don't think you owe him anything other than a clear statement of your disinterest in reconciling your relationship with him. He deserves that much, but beyond that is your business.
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  #3  
July 18th, 2012, 11:48 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2005
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I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I do think though you should tell him before he sees the kids. Because they will tell him. If his reaction is negative, it's best that they don't see that.

My ex went balistic after he found out I was dating - dd spilled the beans when she was only 2 1/2. He didn't want the divorce either. I made sure that I told him 1st when I got pregnant. I didn't want that on dd. Even though it was a year later I thought I owed him that much.
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  #4  
July 18th, 2012, 11:52 AM
Baby Boy Coming in March!
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Location: Phoenix-Metro area
Posts: 1,842
I've made it ABUNDANTLY clear that I have no intentions of reconciling... repeatedly so! He's just thick-headed and I think still in denial of the whole thing.

As for telling him before he sees the kids incase he reacts negatively, I do half heartedly agree with that. It's just finding the right time and way to tell him that I guess I'm stressing over. I feel like I don't owe him an explanation of my personal business, or my health unless it would negatively effect the kids. They're excited about the baby and have been saying that they wanted me to have one for a long time. He's the only one that would shed any portion of a negative light on that situation, and I really don't want him trying to brainwash the kids in any way, or "rain on their parade"....
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  #5  
July 18th, 2012, 03:03 PM
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I can understand you not wanting to tell him, but it's in the kids best interest that he knows before hand. You don't want to put them in an awkward situation where they might feel like they did something wrong by telling their dad that you moved on and are going to have another child. It could make them feel like they have to hide any excitement they would have over their younger sibling. They should be able to express all of their feelings, good or bad, about their new sibling and life in general.
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  #6  
July 19th, 2012, 11:22 AM
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I never said you owe him an explanation. You don't. It's your life. However, this is something that does affect his children. And if you know he might be upset, it will be better for you to tell him than to expect your children to.

I said I owed it to my ex to tell him instead of having him hear from dd. I didn't say I owed him an explanation. Just a courtesy so he had time to process & feel about it before he saw my then 3 year old. My Dh told his ex I was pregnant before he told his daughters. They were older & he wanted her to be aware in case they were upset. The oldest was so it helped to have her mom aware of what was going on.
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  #7  
July 19th, 2012, 01:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
I can understand you not wanting to tell him, but it's in the kids best interest that he knows before hand. You don't want to put them in an awkward situation where they might feel like they did something wrong by telling their dad that you moved on and are going to have another child. It could make them feel like they have to hide any excitement they would have over their younger sibling. They should be able to express all of their feelings, good or bad, about their new sibling and life in general.
I agree. Your dating and your pregnancy affect your children, his children. He should know about things that affect the children.
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  #8  
July 22nd, 2012, 05:19 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
I can understand you not wanting to tell him, but it's in the kids best interest that he knows before hand. You don't want to put them in an awkward situation where they might feel like they did something wrong by telling their dad that you moved on and are going to have another child. It could make them feel like they have to hide any excitement they would have over their younger sibling. They should be able to express all of their feelings, good or bad, about their new sibling and life in general.
Yeah, this. You don't have to give him all of the details (or any of the details, really) but past a certain point (i.e. if it's been longer than a couple of months and he has met the kids) I think it's perfectly reasonable to mention it.

My dsc's mother has been dating someone for about 18 months. She has never mentioned his existence to us. We know because she tells my il's all about him every time they stop by the house to see the kids or fix something (they own her house) and because she's written about him on her forums, but she has never mentioned him to us and the kids are under instruction not to mention him or their relationship ever to dh or I. I think it's inconsiderate, considering she introduced him to the children over a year ago. When dh and I started dating, she knew about it from the beginning, asked questions about me (including requesting to see pictures of me) and I introduced myself to her on Facebook after we had been dating for several months and we were planning a meeting with the kids so that she could get a feel for my personality and hopefully help her feel better about it after dh told me she threw an absolute fit over it previously. She doesn't know the ins and outs of our lives and any communication about our relationship does not go to her (anymore - briefly before we knew about the extent of the lying we felt it was safe to be open with her) but she has always known who I was and was welcome to talk to me if she wanted.

There's also no way to ask her about it without her assuming that dh must be jealous or trying to control her life or whatever other crazy she comes up with on the fly, so we just don't.
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  #9  
July 23rd, 2012, 01:47 PM
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I agree, he should learn these things from you, not hte kids.
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  #10  
July 23rd, 2012, 03:54 PM
Baby Boy Coming in March!
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I was never planning to allow him to find out from the kids. In fact that's what I want to avoid.
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