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Anxiety - DSS Out of control


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  • 4 Post By pmdc5286
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  #1  
July 19th, 2012, 09:24 PM
MrsRestivo's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Highlands Ranch, CO
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Hello! I am new to this group but I feel so alone, I have no one to talk to. My husband and I have been together since I was 19, now 24, and his son was 6, now 11. We have been married for 3 years, have one 2 year old together, and are pregnant again. I'm currently 33 weeks pregnant and I feel like my depresession and anxiety are completely out of control, just like my situation with my step son.

I came into the relationship with the best of intentions, but this last year or so has been really difficult. I have no say in raising him and I am completley walked all over all the time. Prior to my husband and I getting together he lived with his mother and she played a large part in raising his son. She doesn't believe in kids having resonsibility, accountability, consequences, limitations, etc. This is why she has a 33 year old daughter with no job that lives off of her. Anyway, she still plays a big part in his life and I feel like it is her and my husband raising him and she plays into his "poor me" act when he is with her. She buys him the horribly innappropriate violent R rated movies that I don't allowe here, and I have a big problem with it, but I have NO say.

He has ADHD and some big anger issues. I've had him in therapy, and I'm trying to get him to someone new but he is so manipulative he just feeds them BS and they buy it. He is extremely direspectful to me and doesn't think I should be able to tell him what to do. Anytime I say anything it's "Dad, Alyssa told me to do this" like he's telling on me for talking to him. I feel like when he is around I can't be downstairs so I end up barricading myself in my bedroom to avoid being glared at or hear the rude comments he regularly shoots both my husband and I.

Recently after getting his Xbox taken away for sneaking and lying he told my husband he was going to call the police and tell them he was molesting him so that he would go to jail. Later that night we explained the long term consequences of him doing this and had him write something down (paper trail for protection and to give to a counselor) about how he was feeling at the time and a list of both good and bad things that would happen if he followed through with it. He could only come up with good things, such as he wouldn't have to do chores, fill up my husband's water bottle or "be talked to after every incendent." Anyway, this scares me to death. I am a stay at home mom and my family is my everything. I would lose everything, my world would crumble. My husband told me to get over it, he's just a kid and didn't implement any consequences.

Things have gotten so bad lately that I don't know how to deal with it. I started therapy this week for myself but I'm afraid to tell her how I really feel. I am so depressed I cry all the time, I'm totally isolated, I have such bad anxiety attacks. Any time he is in the room I get really hot and feel like I'm going to throw up, cry or scream. I would never actually do it because of my own children but for the first time in my life I feel suicidal. When he is around I have an aching feeling to stab myself in the neck because I feel so trapped. I love my husband, I don't want a divorce but I HATE my life because of him. I cannot imagine him being a part of my life forever and being this miserable, and possibly worse as he only continues into his teenage years getting worse and worse.

I have no one to talk to. I have absolutely no support. My husband is so inconsistent with him. He doesn't ever enforce consequences, he lets him talk to both of us like dirt and just caters to him, just egging him on a path to destruction. I haven't even gotten into everything. It may sound like I'm being extremely dramatic, but I cannot summarize everything that has happened in the last 5 years to make me feel this way. I was way too young to take this on. I love my husband but I will for ever resent my decision to marry someone with a child. I'm also 33 weeks pregnant so my emotions are completely out of control. I'm not a depressed/anxious person and I'm terrified of this turning into post partum depression. Sorry this ended up being so long, but I'd really appreciate some input. I have absolutely nobody to talk to.
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  #2  
July 20th, 2012, 09:51 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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I have no advice really but I know how you feel I was 19 when I got with my husband he was 25 and had two kids and I had NO idea what I got myself into.. they were gone for the first months of our relationship but everytime we get them for the summer or something its really hard to deal with the lack of parenting their BM does.. you should tell your therapist EVERYTHING, they will understand and not judge and can probably tell you how to cope.
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  #3  
July 20th, 2012, 10:28 AM
pmdc5286's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hi! We are going to look at this one issue at a time. I will put my responses in red!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsRestivo View Post
Hello! I am new to this group but I feel so alone, you are not alone, we are here for each other! I have no one to talk to. My husband and I have been together since I was 19, now 24, and his son was 6, now 11. We have been married for 3 years, have one 2 year old together, and are pregnant again. I'm currently 33 weeks pregnant and I feel like my depresession and anxiety are completely out of control, just like my situation with my step son. Have you talked to your doctor about your depression and anxiety? A happy Mommy makes a happy baby.

I came into the relationship with the best of intentions, but this last year or so has been really difficult. Do you have full custody or weekend visits? I have no say in raising him You do have a say, Its your house, the adults are in charge and it is time the kids learn it. You need to tell this to your DH in no uncertain terms. If the child is in our home, he will house rules, whether he likes them or not. You may need to write them down on a poster board along with the consequences to breaking them. Also set up a reward system for good behavior. Small things that can lead up to big rewards, but you have to have an even balance and give him a chace to redeem himself for negative behavior. Ex. He refused to clean his room, so he lost video games for 3 days. He helped with his baby brother without being asked, so he redeemed himself and got games back early. and I am completley walked all over all the time DO NOT allow him to walk all over you. You are the adult. Put your foot down now! If you tell him to do something and he says no, take away whatever he is doing until it is done. Do not run to dad, just inform him he is in "lockdown" mode until it is done The only thing you can do in lockdown mode is go to the bathroom. Prior to my husband and I getting together he lived with his mother and she played a large part in raising his son. She doesn't believe in kids having resonsibility, accountability, consequences, limitations, etc. This is why she has a 33 year old daughter with no job that lives off of her. Anyway, she still plays a big part in his life and I feel like it is her and my husband raising him and she plays into his "poor me" act when he is with her. She buys him the horribly innappropriate violent R rated movies that I don't allowe here, and I have a big problem with it, but I have NO say. You do have a say! It is your house! We have the same problems with my DSS's mom. He plays Rated M games at her hous. Here they have to be appropriate for the child. DSS is Autistic so he and my DD usually only play E games, there are some T games but it depends on why they are rated T. My 15 y/o has his own games that are not appropriate for the younger two, but he does not play them around the kids and keeps them put up and not with the family games.

He has ADHD and some big anger issues. I've had him in therapy, and I'm trying to get him to someone new but he is so manipulative he just feeds them BS and they buy it. He is extremely direspectful You need to come up with an automatic consequence for disrespect to me and doesn't think I should be able to tell him what to do. Anytime I say anything it's "Dad, Alyssa told me to do this" like he's telling on me for talking to him. I feel like when he is around I can't be downstairs You should never feel uncomfortable in your own home! so I end up barricading myself in my bedroom to avoid being glared at or hear the rude comments he regularly shoots both my husband and I. Is he on meds for ADHD? Has his anger been evaluated? Does he hit or become extremely violent? There are several reasons to my asking. Is he acting out because he is jealous because he has to share Daddy with little brother and new sibling on the way? My ex-husband's daughter is ADHD and she was unmedicated. We were trying to work without meds by schedule and diet. This almost cost us the life of my youngest daughter. She tried to smother her with a pillow. Thankfully my son was in the room and screamed for help. She had to be hospitalized and medication was started and after a time, things were much better.
My stepson is Autistic, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Bipolar, and also has Rage-Anger Syndrome. He seems to be outgrowing some of it, but in the beginning, it was a challenge to say the least. He tried my patience on many occasions, and I had to show him who was boss, with the permission of his dad (it got entertaining at times) One night he got in one of his moods and decided he wasn't going to take a shower and sat down in the kitchen floor, crossed his arms and got his mean look on his face. I looked down at him with my "mom look" and said "Sean is bigger than you. He will pick you up and put you in the shower and bathe you!" He got right up and went and took a shower!
As far as him snowblowing the counselors about how he really feels or what his actions are, record them. Many of the cell phones or small point and shoot cameras will take videos now. Then he can't deny it happened!

Recently after getting his Xbox taken away for sneaking and lying he told my husband he was going to call the police and tell them he was molesting him so that he would go to jail Do you know any police officers who can talk to him about the consequences of lying to the police?. Later that night we explained the long term consequences of him doing this and had him write something down (paper trail for protection and to give to a counselor) about how he was feeling at the time and a list of both good and bad things that would happen if he followed through with it. He could only come up with good things, such as he wouldn't have to do chores, fill up my husband's water bottle or "be talked to after every incendent." Anyway, this scares me to death. I am a stay at home mom and my family is my everything. I would lose everything, my world would crumble. My husband told me to get over it, he's just a kid and didn't implement any consequences. You and your husband need a come to Jesus meeting and quick about how your household needs to be run. It needs to be run by the adults, not the kids!

Things have gotten so bad lately that I don't know how to deal with it. I started therapy this week for myself but I'm afraid to tell her how I really feel. You need to tell your counselor exactly how you feel. Maybe she can help you come up with ideas on how to help with coming up on ideas on how to get your household running smoothly I am so depressed I cry all the time, I'm totally isolated, I have such bad anxiety attacks. Any time he is in the room I get really hot and feel like I'm going to throw up, cry or scream. I would never actually do it because of my own children but for the first time in my life I feel suicidal. If you are suicidal, you need to seek help IMMEDIATELY!!!!! When he is around I have an aching feeling to stab myself in the neck because I feel so trapped. I love my husband, I don't want a divorce but I HATE my life because of him. I cannot imagine him being a part of my life forever and being this miserable, and possibly worse as he only continues into his teenage years getting worse and worse.

I have no one to talk to. I have absolutely no support. My husband is so inconsistent with him. He doesn't ever enforce consequences, he lets him talk to both of us like dirt and just caters to him, just egging him on a path to destruction. I haven't even gotten into everything. It may sound like I'm being extremely dramatic, but I cannot summarize everything that has happened in the last 5 years to make me feel this way. I was way too young to take this on. I love my husband but I will for ever resent my decision to marry someone with a child. I'm also 33 weeks pregnant so my emotions are completely out of control. I'm not a depressed/anxious person and I'm terrified of this turning into post partum depression. Sorry this ended up being so long, but I'd really appreciate some input. I have absolutely nobody to talk to.
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  #4  
July 20th, 2012, 11:17 AM
ShesaDreamer's Avatar If Only. If Only <3
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I totally agree with Patti. We have had trouble similar to this with my youngest DSS. Not to this severity. Just show him that the adults are boss in your house and he doesn't have to like it but he does have to deal with it. If he really has a problem with it and acts out take a time when he is at his moms and take everything but the bed and dresser from his room and store it at a firends, tell him that as he follows the house rules and learns respect that he will get his privledges back one by one. I have litterally had to bear hug my youngest DSS when he was having a fit and kicking and trying to hit his brother. But once he learned that I would do it and that Daddy wasn't going to do anything about it he stopped. You just need to have a serious talk with your hubby about how you feel and tell him you have to set rules and enforce them.

Good luck and someone is always here to listen and talk!
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  #5  
July 20th, 2012, 01:25 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 3,769
I had behavior problems with my two stepkids and this summer I made a reward chart, every day they are good(like no extreme fights, no lying, no fits) they get a sticker, after 7 stickers they get a reward like we bought them a small toy, took them to the zoo, took them to a museum.. things we probably would have done anyway BUT they had to act good to get them. their behavior is 100X better than the last two summers we've had them. I had to explain to DH that I needed say in the way things go in MY house... you need to do the same.
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  #6  
July 20th, 2012, 01:26 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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First of all, you totally need to talk to your counselor about EVERYTHING. That's what he or she is there for. They can't help you if they don't know all of the circumstances. I would also suggest that after some time, you bring your husband to your counseling sessions so that he has a complete understanding of the chaos he and your step son has caused for you.

((hugs)) If nothing else, we're here for you to vent with, anytime!
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  #7  
July 20th, 2012, 09:00 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
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Be upfront with your counselor. They might help you with resources for your stepson because he needs help. Hang in there mama you're not alone. If we don't get my stepson from his grandparents he'll end up in juvi or worse. They tell him nothing is his fault because he's sick. It's hard but we're here for you, you're NEVER alone.
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  #8  
July 23rd, 2012, 02:59 PM
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^^ditto
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