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Advice please? Long Story i'm afraid


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  #1  
September 4th, 2012, 01:26 PM
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Ok, so my partner lives a 3 hour drive away from me, the problem is we are now having baby (after a miscarriage earlier this year) and really we need to discuss next steps. There is no way he will move away from his 4 yr old son, but expects me to maybe leave my entire life to move there, which I would happily do if I was more secure in the relationship, I have not actually met his son yet and so far my boyfriend has not been overally supportive through this pregnancy.

We have discussed that maybe I should remain where I am for a few months following the birth, but he says if that happens then he will only see the baby every three weeks. Now I do understand and I do know that in some situations it is not always possible to see your children so often, but he does have the option. He currently lives 5 mins away from his son, therefore he can see him as often as he likes, I have suggested maybe seeing the baby 2 weekends a month and his son two weekends as he does have his son two nights every week. He is not agreeing to this and expects me to travel to him with the baby as he says the driving would be too much for him. Now in my opinion this is selfish and that he should be treating all his children exactly the same, not favouring one over the other. I would really appreciate your opinion.

thanks so much.
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  #2  
September 4th, 2012, 01:58 PM
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I'm going to be brutally honest here...why are you even having a child with a man who has not introduced you to his other child? Combine that with the fact that you don't feel secure enough in your relationship to move, and I have to wonder why even more. This is the time in your relationship to decide where it's truly heading. If I were in your shoes, I would either make up my mind to move or decide to raise my child alone. If the man I was about to have a child with didn't care enough to make the drive to see our child but bends over backwards for his other child I would call that relationship a dud and be alone to raise my kid.
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  #3  
September 4th, 2012, 02:14 PM
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I would not move.. if he wants to make it work, he will make some compromises.
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  #4  
September 4th, 2012, 02:29 PM
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I would not move and I honestly wouldn't stress about how much he sees the abby at first. at first it's all about us. they don't remember if he's there, and you'll be primary care giver even if he comes every other weekend as opposed to every third. let it run its course but don't force it.
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  #5  
September 4th, 2012, 06:49 PM
mom2more's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am not trying to be rude, but why would you keep getting pregnant by a man who hasn't even made a commitment to you or introduced you to his other child?

I would not leave my entire life for a man who has not been willing to make any compromises for our relationship. And definitely not for a man who is not there for me in my pregnancy (like you mentioned on another thread).

Stay put and take care of yourself and your baby. If he comes around great, if not then you need to be able to be a good single parent.
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  #6  
September 4th, 2012, 09:32 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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As a girl who moved 2000 miles away from family, across a major border to be with a man, leaving everything and everyone behind because he had a son he wouldn't leave..... I agree with the other girls. If you weren't considering moving before, doing it now isn't the best idea out there.
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  #7  
September 4th, 2012, 09:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2more
I am not trying to be rude, but why would you keep getting pregnant by a man who hasn't even made a commitment to you or introduced you to his other child?

I would not leave my entire life for a man who has not been willing to make any compromises for our relationship. And definitely not for a man who is not there for me in my pregnancy (like you mentioned on another thread).

Stay put and take care of yourself and your baby. If he comes around great, if not then you need to be able to be a good single parent.
I'm sorry but I have to agree with this. Obviously you were trying to get pregnant if there are 2 pregnancies in the same year?
I think that alone is selfish of you both to have conceived two babies in an extremely unstable and uncommitted relationship. I don't mean to be rude and I'm far from being in a perfect marriage but dh and I *are* married and I didn't get pregnant until after HE moved 8 hours to be with ME.

At this point you're already pregnant so you need to focus on what's in the best interest of the baby. You'll have to determine what that step is. Rather it's with him or without him.
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  #8  
September 5th, 2012, 12:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
I'm going to be brutally honest here...why are you even having a child with a man who has not introduced you to his other child? Combine that with the fact that you don't feel secure enough in your relationship to move, and I have to wonder why even more. This is the time in your relationship to decide where it's truly heading. If I were in your shoes, I would either make up my mind to move or decide to raise my child alone. If the man I was about to have a child with didn't care enough to make the drive to see our child but bends over backwards for his other child I would call that relationship a dud and be alone to raise my kid.
This.
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  #9  
September 5th, 2012, 08:25 AM
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I agree with K.A.T!
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  #10  
September 5th, 2012, 09:59 AM
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Welcome! And as you know by now, this group is brutally honest. I hope you take the advice given. You & your baby deserve better than this guy is giving you right now. If he can't step up then you have to step away.
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  #11  
September 5th, 2012, 06:10 PM
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If you move what's to say anything will change? If you weren't looking to move before I wouldn't do it now. He hasn't shown you anything that's indicative of him being willing to meet you halfway or be an effective coparent to your baby.
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  #12  
September 11th, 2012, 10:02 AM
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hello,

Thank you all so much for the replies, they are appreciated. Well to be honest, I have now given him the choice, be there or dont bother until after the baby is born (id never prevent him from seeing his child) but I need consistency. He is now not speaking to me but is communicating via text. You are rightk the baby deserves to be just as importnant as his other little boy.

The reason I have not met the son is because his ex does not want another women around her son, likewise he refuses to let her have another man around him.
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  #13  
September 11th, 2012, 12:05 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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While I understand that they don't want random people brought in and out of the childs life... at this point you are no longer a random person, you are carrying the child's sibling. She's going to have to accept that.
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  #14  
September 11th, 2012, 12:15 PM
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thanks for your message - plan for fate, totally agree with you.

I think both parents have to accept that the LO will have others in his life, its hard for the ex though as he is adaman the LO is not to be around another guy...
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  #15  
September 11th, 2012, 12:40 PM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mummytobeMarch2013
thanks for your message - plan for fate, totally agree with you.

I think both parents have to accept that the LO will have others in his life, its hard for the ex though as he is adaman the LO is not to be around another guy...
So what happens as he leaves you and you find another mate? He'd rather you be with someone else and it's ok for the new baby to be around a new guy? Sounds very bizarre. Are you sure he and his ex don't still have feelings for each other or have something going on?
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  #16  
September 11th, 2012, 12:41 PM
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Well unfortunately, you can't control what the other parent does or who they spend time with while the child is present. Sounds to me like he is using this as an excuse to have his cake & eat it too.

Is his ex really an ex?????
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  #17  
September 11th, 2012, 12:46 PM
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That is the question I ask all the time...They are over, he actually left her when the LO was two months old, so its been over 4 yrs, but he is a control freak and she is seeing a guy but he flatly refuses another guy to be around the son. Re me, I asked him the question, he again says another man will not be present, however I will not be controlled by him
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  #18  
September 11th, 2012, 12:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mummytobeMarch2013 View Post
That is the question I ask all the time...They are over, he actually left her when the LO was two months old, so its been over 4 yrs, but he is a control freak and she is seeing a guy but he flatly refuses another guy to be around the son. Re me, I asked him the question, he again says another man will not be present, however I will not be controlled by him

As a woman who left an emotional abuser..... this makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. The whole my way or the highway too. Sounds so much like my ex.

It is completely unrealistic for him to keep his ex from having a grownup relationship. He has no say in this. Again, this is abusive, controlling behavior. I'm believing his story of her abusing him less & less. I got some stories about my ex's former relationships too. I bought them in the beginning but know know they were all untrue.

It's also completely unrealistic for him to believe you can accept 1/2 of a relationship with him especially when a child is involved.


There are soooo many red flags here. I hope you take a few giant steps back & re-evaluate this relationship. You & your baby deserve better.
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Last edited by My2miracles; September 11th, 2012 at 12:54 PM.
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  #19  
September 11th, 2012, 12:55 PM
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thanks Kris, totally, it is HIS WAY or the HIGH WAY. Emotional abuse is terrible. Its all play on words. Noah is a beautiful name by the way.

I have take a big step back, it is just so helpful to hear others opinions as friends and family will always be bias.
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  #20  
September 11th, 2012, 12:57 PM
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Thanks!

Anytime you need to talk, feel free to pm me. I've btdt & don't wish that on anyone.
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