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  #21  
September 17th, 2012, 09:12 AM
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I'm glad I don't have to worry about this situation right now since BM lives in wyoming and DH has to fly.. when she did live close enough to drive and before I had Audrey I always went along, but they exchanged at a halfway point so I usually just stayed in the car and talked to the kids while they put bags in or talked schedules.
although she did make a few comments about she wished he wouldn't bring me.. but that was only because she wanted them to "hang out" as a family or something, so she could throw it in my face later. she was bad about that, anytime they met without me she would say more than just exchanging kids happened? I think thats why DH always wanted me to go, so she couldn't say those things and start a bunch of drama.
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  #22  
September 17th, 2012, 09:58 AM
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I can see both sides of this one. I can see the desire to want to see the child off and to greet the child. I can also see the side of not wanting the new woman around during that time. Maybe for the time being a compromise can be made. When bm picks up the child at the house is it really a must that you be outside? No, you shouldn't feel like you're trapped in you home, but if it could help the situation that you don't sit outside it might be best for the child to sacrifice those few moments and stay inside. When I went along for the exchanges, DD and myself stayed in the car unless we were going to do something like walk around the mall. It just made things simpler and it gave BM the respect of having a private discussion about their child if need be. Plus, for me, I didn't really want to be around the woman so staying in the car was easier.

I would like to address the whole gf doesn't mater theory. I would have disagree with that one. Out of the 10 years DH and I have been together I have only been a wife for the last 3. So, are you saying that I didn't matter for the last 7? I would have to deeply disagree with you if you think I didn't matter. I have been very committed to DH from day one. I have also been the primary care giver at times over those years. We even had our first ds while we were only bf/gf status. A marriage may be a huge commitment but it doesn't mean that the couple will be together any longer than the non married couple. The step parent can just as easily be gone later down the road in either situation.

Another thing that I feel needs to stop being assumed, is that the ex was a spouse. Not everyone that has kids together are or were married. Some people might have never been a couple. People tend to put a bit too much of their own personal history into another persons story. It could help to see things from the other posters eyes if one takes their own history out of the equation.

To the OP, all in all I think this could be a situation where it is best to try and find a middle road. It could make things easier down the line for the child. If the exchanges get frustrating the child could pick up on it and in turn become upset with them as well.
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  #23  
September 17th, 2012, 11:04 AM
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Liz is right. I'm D's first wife but I'll be the third woman to have a child of his. *shrug*
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  #24  
September 17th, 2012, 07:28 PM
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Wow. so much to take in.

No we aren't married but we bought a house together...I am not going anywhere. The only reason we aren't married is because BF says hes a princess and wants a wedding( which is his way of tricking me in to a wedding because I could care less)

BM is a special breed of human. I actually think she does have some good qualities and have tried to be cordial even going as far as to knowing she was actively looking for a job and suggesting somewhere I knew she would like based on past jobs. No one told me to look out for her but I did because I care about C. I do try and see the good in most people and I know deep down she is a good person at some point. I am not BM bashing.

Katie, you have no idea how much love I have for this tiny human that ISNT mine. I would go to the end of the world and back for him. so please remind me how wanting to give him a hug and help him collect acorns out of the grass is harmful to any one. Please tell me how being stuck in side MY OWN HOME is being respectful of their relationship. which is only existent because of C. BM and BF were NEVER married she cheated on him off and on the whole almost 2 years they were together. Like I said she was with her current DF while engaged to BF the night she went in to labor with C. I am BFs first SERIOUS GF since BM and BF broke up...which was the month after C was born, we started dating a few weeks before C's first birthday and I have been living with him for almost a year now.

doodlebug, she put her child in a coma due to an overdose. Please tell me thats normal for ANYONE. not just some one with BPD. I dont blame her BPD for anything. I do think shes off her rocker some times. She may have been in his life longer, keep in mind she wanted to abort him during the third trimester. I tell people all the time that she is a good mother and I KNOW she loves C, you can tell she loves him. I am not BPD bashing as you say. I was stating she had BPD as a fact, not as a reason to blame her for anything.

I dont go to pick ups and I am not ALWAYS home for when BM picks him up, when I am I like to say goodbye. I do spend MUCH more time with C than BF. I feel I see patterns or notice things or what ever and I like to tell her whats going on. "Hey does C eat these at your house" Or " Have you tried playdough or finger paint yet?" It might be little stuff but he is my first kid, bio kid or not. I feel like if she and I dont talk I dont get stuff second hand and then I am left wondering. Most of the time I sit on the porch and help C peel acorns or what ever he happens to be doing. Usually its me trying to get him to collect sticks or flowers and give them to BM. I do feel it is VITAL that he understands we are ALL his parents ( even BMs DF) and that we should all get along. I know it was terrible for me growing up because my dad and step dad clashed. I want to be able to say " hey its C's 16th bday why dont we just have one BIG party?" Does that really make me a bad person or does that fall under inserting my self.

Thank god BF stood up for me and told her its my house too. It broke my heart to hear C scream as she tried to put him in the car, It hurt even more because I didnt get to say goodbye to him first. Every week he screams bloody murder when it is time to go.

If you havent caught on I am not going anywhere, I spend vital amounts of time with BF and his family and I love him and his child.

So all in all I *should* walk on eggshells so she doesnt go nutzo but I should just suck up my hurt feelings and deal with it because I am not a bio parent....got it. so glad I came here to just get something off my chest. All I asked was if I was wrong for being upset about being told by BM that I cant go outside and say goodbye.


*edited to add:* I see it both ways too I really do. I dont ever go to pick ups at HER place or any of the places that BF picks up C. Its like telling me if we were outside riding bikes I should just go inside instead of staying outside. We were all playing outside anyway.

Things had been great for MONTHS this me being there thing isnt new. Its been going on for MONTHS. so why now does it bother her. she is engaged AGAIN ( she breaks it off and then its on again, its like the 3rd time in a year) Like I said. I spend a lot of time with dss and I see stuff that BF doesnt and hes not a great communicator when it comes to getting info from her to me or vicea versa.
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Last edited by Hollydawn; September 17th, 2012 at 07:35 PM.
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  #25  
September 17th, 2012, 08:20 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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Hey, you already know I think it's a total power play. I'm glad that your bf is supportive and that he reminded her that it's your house too. I think it's totally unreasonable, especially if you're outside anyway. My dh would have a huge problem with asking me to go in the house because the ex has suddenly decided she's got an issue with occasionally seeing me in our own yard.

I hope you stick around. Even though we don't always agree around here, the ladies really are great and you're always guaranteed a large spectrum of opinions and insights.
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Last edited by Keakie; September 17th, 2012 at 08:22 PM.
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  #26  
September 17th, 2012, 08:21 PM
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Just because I dont like what a few people have to say means I am going to run off. This is the only board I have found where I dont get called a glorified babysitter.
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  #27  
September 17th, 2012, 08:22 PM
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FWIW I'd do all exchanges somewhere neutral. To heck with having CrazyPants on my property. I'm jaded today though.
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  #28  
September 17th, 2012, 08:25 PM
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I was just letting you know that you're welcome to be here and we all have differing perspectives on one thing or another. That's all! Some posters have shied away from here because of the strong opinions before.
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  #29  
September 17th, 2012, 08:42 PM
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I hate that glorified babysitter crap. Step parents, especially good and caring ones, are so much more than that. People forget that biology isn't a requirement for being family. I have to wonder if those aholes would call adoptive parents a glorified sitter?! Some people just have their heads up their arses. Kayla is right, here you will get a lot of different opinions. This is the one board where you will get support and be called on your bs at the same time. I truly respect the women on here for that. I can't stand that fake blowing smoke up the butt stuff. It's very annoying.
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  #30  
September 18th, 2012, 09:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by K.A.T View Post
I hate that glorified babysitter crap. Step parents, especially good and caring ones, are so much more than that. People forget that biology isn't a requirement for being family. I have to wonder if those aholes would call adoptive parents a glorified sitter?! Some people just have their heads up their arses. Kayla is right, here you will get a lot of different opinions. This is the one board where you will get support and be called on your bs at the same time. I truly respect the women on here for that. I can't stand that fake blowing smoke up the butt stuff. It's very annoying.
Agreed. I'm sorry if you objected to some of our opinions. You asked, we answered. We don't know the whole history from one post, so we can't take all of that into account when we first responded.
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  #31  
September 18th, 2012, 12:48 PM
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Katie, you have no idea how much love I have for this tiny human that ISNT mine. I would go to the end of the world and back for him.
If you feel that way about him after knowing him a year, how do you think his mom feels about him?

Quote:
so please remind me how wanting to give him a hug and help him collect acorns out of the grass is harmful to any one. Please tell me how being stuck in side MY OWN HOME is being respectful of their relationship.
Because it's a small thing. A SMALL THING that would make the exchange easier and in return that child you speak of will be better off not being in a tension filled environment. If you want to pick up things with him off the ground, then do it when he's over until the cows come home. We aren't talking as if this exchange is the only time you get to see him.

Quote:
BM and BF were NEVER married she cheated on him off and on the whole almost 2 years they were together. Like I said she was with her current DF while engaged to BF the night she went in to labor with C. I am BFs first SERIOUS GF since BM and BF broke up...which was the month after C was born, we started dating a few weeks before C's first birthday and I have been living with him for almost a year now.
None of this matters as far as the child goes. I never loved my exhusband, but my children are more precious than anything else in this world.

The reason I asked how many g/fs he had was because I thought that maybe he had been parading g/fs in and out of your child's life and that could be why she didn't want you around.

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to take things day by day and choose your battles. In the big scheme of things, if your presence at the exchanges is that much of an issue for the time being, then maybe just back off for a few times. It doesn't have to be forever, but it could help show that you are willing to work for the betterment of the child and that's what it's all about right?

One of you needs to back down in this case, and when I find myself in that situation with BM, I back down. I love Chloe, and I want the best for her, but that is BM's baby, and she will always be BM's baby. As a mother I can respect that.
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  #32  
September 18th, 2012, 01:55 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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Quote:
Originally Posted by .Katie. View Post
If you feel that way about him after knowing him a year, how do you think his mom feels about him?



Because it's a small thing. A SMALL THING that would make the exchange easier and in return that child you speak of will be better off not being in a tension filled environment. If you want to pick up things with him off the ground, then do it when he's over until the cows come home. We aren't talking as if this exchange is the only time you get to see him.



None of this matters as far as the child goes. I never loved my exhusband, but my children are more precious than anything else in this world.

The reason I asked how many g/fs he had was because I thought that maybe he had been parading g/fs in and out of your child's life and that could be why she didn't want you around.

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to take things day by day and choose your battles. In the big scheme of things, if your presence at the exchanges is that much of an issue for the time being, then maybe just back off for a few times. It doesn't have to be forever, but it could help show that you are willing to work for the betterment of the child and that's what it's all about right?

One of you needs to back down in this case, and when I find myself in that situation with BM, I back down. I love Chloe, and I want the best for her, but that is BM's baby, and she will always be BM's baby. As a mother I can respect that.
I have to ditto this a thousand times over. While I might not agree with everything Katie has said in this thread, this part I agree with entirely. From what has been posted, let say you're picking acorns, flowers or sticks with him that he wants to give to bm. Why not pick that stuff with him, once she shows up hand it over to the child give him a hug and kiss good bye then go inside? This shows her that you're will to work with her and have some respect for her wishes. It will be a huge benefit to the child in the long run. I get that you're not there at all of them, but maybe something is bothering her for the moment, so why not try to be the peace maker in all of it. If it continues you can slowly start making yourself present again at later times.

There will be huge ups and downs between everyone involved so it's best that you try to be the bigger person if she isn't going to be. I think we all understand the amount of love you have for that child that is not yours, remember a lot of us are stepmoms and biomoms, so if it makes things easier for him...why not try to find a middle road?
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  #33  
September 18th, 2012, 03:22 PM
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I always say good-bye to dsd before she leaves whether dh is taking her or bm is picking her up. I don't have to go outside to do it. What I usually do is saying a long good-bye several minutes before bm is scheduled to arrive. Now granted dsd is now much older but you could do the same with your little guy. Why not create you're own good-bye ritual that you do before df take him out to his mom. Then you don't have to share him with her either.
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  #34  
September 18th, 2012, 03:55 PM
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my2miracles. That would be nice if she ever showed up at the same time or near or around the same or scheduled time each week. she goes from being 20-30 mins early or late from week to week.
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  #35  
September 18th, 2012, 04:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hollydawn View Post
my2miracles. That would be nice if she ever showed up at the same time or near or around the same or scheduled time each week. she goes from being 20-30 mins early or late from week to week.
I know you're very likely tired of hearing me say what I'm getting ready to say. I'm sure I sound like a broken record. It is coming from a place of love and experience though.



If you have no legal anything then you have no way to make her do right by C. Not with pick up times (which is gonna be a pain when he gets into school), not with following through with doctor's advice, not with anything. So either he goes to court or you've GOT to figure out a way to breathe and release because she's not gonna change. It will eat you alive if you don't. She's not gonna get up one day and miraculously discover what common sense is. She's always gonna be who she is and she's always going to be all over the place ESPECIALLY if she's diagnosed BPD and refusing to medicate.
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  #36  
September 18th, 2012, 05:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Ember Rose View Post
IIf you have no legal anything then you have no way to make her do right by C. Not with pick up times (which is gonna be a pain when he gets into school), not with following through with doctor's advice, not with anything. So either he goes to court or you've GOT to figure out a way to breathe and release because she's not gonna change. It will eat you alive if you don't. She's not gonna get up one day and miraculously discover what common sense is. She's always gonna be who she is and she's always going to be all over the place ESPECIALLY if she's diagnosed BPD and refusing to medicate.
Yeah, this. I know it's court and it's stressful and costly and most people would rather cut off their thumbs with a butter knife than have to deal with it, but in these cases (these being family and custody issues) it really is in the best interests of EVERYONE to have something in writing. It eliminates the back and forth, greatly reduces the manipulation and game playing and you have recourse if she goes against what's written. Right now, you have none - in theory, if there is absolutely nothing in writing and they were never married, I'm fairly sure she could move out of state with C and your bf wouldn't be able to do a darn thing to stop her. Obviously that's an extreme example, but it is possible (especially when mental illness is involved) and it's really one of those situations where it's better to be safe than sorry. It's worth every penny and every annoying mediation date to have something in place that establishes boundaries and rules *and* gives everyone involved a way to ensure they're enforced.
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  #37  
September 19th, 2012, 08:36 AM
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You just can't mediate with some people. They suck.
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  #38  
September 19th, 2012, 09:20 AM
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I always go with the less conflict the better. If it means you have to go inside then say good bye and go in. Kids pick up on things in the air. They can sense anger.
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  #39  
September 19th, 2012, 01:58 PM
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If L and I didn't get along, I would stay inside for hand offs. But if I was already outside with Reme, I would give him a hug, and stay at a distance, but I'd make sure that I wasn't just staring at them too. If I was in the middle of something (like mowing the lawn, or weeding, or raking etc... I'd just continue what I was doing. Sitting on the porch.. I'd probably make an excuse to needing a drink or something and duck inside.
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  #40  
September 19th, 2012, 03:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Hollydawn View Post
my2miracles. That would be nice if she ever showed up at the same time or near or around the same or scheduled time each week. she goes from being 20-30 mins early or late from week to week.
We have the same issue. It's usually a 2-3 hour window. More often than not she tries to move it up. She'll say 4pm but then call at 10am & say can I pick her up in a 1/2 hour. So annoying.

But anyway, while 20-30 minutes is annoying, you can still do your ritual earlier & then do a quick hug & kiss good-bye before he goes out the door. That's what we do.
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